Dealing with a cheating ex

[There]

Hey everyone,

I’m completely new here and needing support. My ex broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I’m feeling completely lost and empty. He came into my life after my marriage broke down (another story) and helped me get back on my feet. We had so much contact, loved doing the same things and spent so much time together. We were long distance for 6 months before I moved for him and a great job opportunity. I’d been in Vic for 11 months when he decided to break it off. He’s a very supportive person who likes to help people. So I wasn’t worried when he was helping a couple of female friends. We began to have an issue when I asked for some reassurance (he had increased phone usage and turning phone on silent - my ex husband cheated on me also, so I realize that I could be hyper sensitive to that) about these ladies and I suggested that it could be in the form of meeting them or anything that was comfortable to him. He got defensive and 3 days later broke up with me saying that he wanted space, it was him and he needed to deal with his issues and fix himself. He led me on a little bit saying things like he wanted to check in, he wasn’t sure if we were over or not etc. fast forward 4 weeks later and he’s seeing one of the girls (the one he works with and not his typical type of woman he likes). I’m finding this so hard to deal with. I have no motivation, I feel empty and just so hurt. I actually don’t think he was that honest in our relationship (I’ve since found out some other lies he told me at the start of our relationship). My head knows that he is bad for me as I’ve also come to realize from self reflection that he actually isn’t that supportive and is very selfish, doesn’t truly communicate (only on his terms or when he wants/needs something). My heart just wants him to come back and work on things with me and I know that’s not going to happen. I’m so down he has just moved on and I feel like he didn’t value our relationship at all. I’m crying all the time and sometimes I don’t even know why. I feel like I have no friends here in Vic and everything I do or want to do reminds me of him because it’s the things we used to do. I’m terrified of running into them as I know he would still be doing the things we would do together (with or without her). Just feeling so lost.

Thanks x

[There]

I just don’t have the strength today. This sucks.

[Guest_1584]

Hang in there J.

Tomorrow , or the next day , or the next week , you will.

00

[There]

Thanks Rx. I just feel like this feeling isn’t going away any time soon.

Hows things with you?

How are you Nikki? Brad?

J x

[Guest_1584]

It's gonna take awhile J for sure sorry, no sugar coating or easy way with the big knocks you've had last few years. Wish l knew some quick fix , l'd be selling it eh.

Me ahh , still in conference with gf haha,

It's complicated , really , but it's just beautiful to be back where we are right now too. Things is she wants me to come over first but l'm just not sure if she's in the right place for the right reasons. And my trip will cost 3k all up so , well l can't afford to just blow that for nothing if she's not in the right place about us now.

Later she can come back or too and from for free till we sort something out so if we did work it out the 3k's a one off.

Anyway we're talkin a lot , and she's doin so well, we see. Keep ya posted.

Hang in there eh , day a time as they say . We're here for ya.

How you doin nikki. hope your ok.

rx

[There]

Thanks Rx... you’d be a very rich man if you knew a quick fix! Ha

Im so glad things are looking up for you! I get what you mean about the 3k but you can’t take it with you and if it’s the difference between you staying together or breaking up... I know which I’d take. But I guess we’ve got to try and survive money wise hey? I’m so so happy for you that things are more positive! Do you think you going over would help her get into the right place?

And thank you for still coming back to comment, I really appreciate it.

How are you Nikki?

[Guest_1584]

Thanks j.

Haha yeah l would be wouldn't l.

But ahh , gf stuff , well , not there yet we might not be so l could be re'joining ya in worse shape than before later yet , don't worry.

But it's a start , l really just dunno yet , there was stuff big before yaknow , could all come back yet and l mightn't even get there, gonna be a bit of a wait so we see how things go with us along the way too. She's doin so well though , so proud of her.

Funny how the women say that , l'd spend the 3 k in a heartbeat bla bla. Us guys think about the money l've noticed , funny really isn't it. But l must admit , been the hardest few years of my life before now so it's only really just now l could even think about it tbh. But we see what happens, trying relaly hard not to get hopes up , ain't easy though.

How are you doin today , feeling any better ?

At least it's the wkend coming right.

rx

[There]

Wait and see how it all goes. No matter what we are here for ya. I’m really glad she’s making steps and working through things. I guess it is sensible to see how things go before one of you takes that step of flying.

Haha yeah we do think like that... I think I’m a take a leap of faith and worry about the rest later. I lead with my heart rather than my head. I think you’re right, guys always think first. Mr. M is a very logical guy.

Don’t know how I’m going to get over this Rx. It’s almost been 3 months. Nothing from him except me finding out he’s with someone else. I still miss him, I still want him back even though my head says it’s a bad idea and I know I’m not going to get the chance anyway. Just hurts. I don’t want to find someone else. How do I do this?

J x

[Rhes]

Hi J,
I came across your thread and thought I’d chime in a bit late to the party. I see it’s been 2 months since you first posted and it’s great to see you’re feeling a bit better, moving forward and sticking to your guns by not leaving the town you moved to. You’re doing great things.

I’m less than a month out from a bad breakup (I moved to New Zealand for him, so coming back was the only option). It was hard because we’d gone out together over 20 years ago and reunited and I thought it was ‘meant to be’ for those reasons, instead of really observing him properly. We’d both changed but I think I was coping with my 40s a lot better than him (found out he’d been seeing a young backpacker while we were doing the long distance thing, and was keeping her up his sleeve in case it didn’t work out).

I was addicted to alcohol for a large part of my life and the beautiful people on here actually helped me quit, back in June 2016. All my previous bad relationships (and there’ve been a few) I could blame on alcohol. But this latest event made me realise it’s a lot more than that. I’ve been looking into my childhood trauma and codependent/psychopathic relationships that we put ourselves in and while it’s all a bit clinical, it is helping. And I’m so grateful to read everyone else’s experiences on here with sleeping etc. I’m posting this at 4am, man it’s hard!

I really hope you get to fulfill your dream of living overseas. I’m off in a couple of weeks to SE Asia for unlimited time. It was always my plan before I reunited with him, so I may as well not let him ruin that for me also! I’m getting all my crying and grieving out of my system at a friend’s place and in a way I’m grateful to all the past breakups because they’ve taught me about how I cope with these things.

I know something else that’s been helping me heaps is writing out all the bad stuff, all the things I’d like to say to him (which I didn’t because I cut it off completely). As I reread back on what I wrote each day, I can see I’m starting to feel differently about him and seeing things as they really are, not the fantasy that he’d cleverly concocted to keep me there. No matter how bad I feel, I always thank my lucky stars I’m not him as having to do that to people to feed his ego, is not a sustainable way to live.

Thanks for letting me share, I really appreciate the great people in this forum, it really does help to not feel so alone in this struggle.

Best wishes to you and everyone

[Guest_1584]

Ahh , money or whatever's only a tiny bit of it j, unfortunately most guys learn a few times over to be very very careful about any leaps of faith involving women.

Weird , my whole lifes been a leap of faith actually and you know what, still payin for it.

Anyway J , 3 mths , that's not very long l'm sorry to say , your divorced , you'll know that so yrah sadly there's a way to go.

l can't imagine anyone else either damn it , l just can't . But although yeah she's done some great changes , problem is l'm not really seeing what l really need to feel from her. l need to know she see's a future too with us but sadly that ones a bit sketchy and the trip seems more about a good time than us as such so l just dunno yet. Still sussing things.

l'm not sure how to get him outa that head and heart of yours , personally him seeing someone else would help me butttttt, l know that doesn't always work that way.

[There]

Hi Rhes,

Thank you for commenting and welcome to the tread. Sounds like you have had a very hectic past few years. I just wanted to say firstly well done and a huge congratulations for being sober. Addiction is a hard thing to overcome and it’s easy to slip back into. You are inspiring!

Im so sorry to hear about your recent break up but it seems like you realize it was a toxic situation. I also wanted to say go you good thing! SE Asia! So very exciting! A change is as good as anything when you come out of a relationship. I’ve made many changes. Thanks for the tips on writing things down. I have been doing that, not so much anymore but I have comments I guess you’d call them to talk to my therapist about.

Me - I am doing better but it’s still so hard. I’m having trouble coping with not doing things I’d like because I’m scared I’m going to see them or his sister and brother in law there. It’s hard.

Thank you again for your words and sharing your story. I really appreciate your feedback. Feel free to comment anytime too.

J x