Constant blues and not knowing what to do with it

[Guest_322]

Hi,

The title basically says it all. I'm something of a sad sack (have been for most of my life).

Some people's trauma seems to come out predominantly as PTSD. Not me, mine seems to show itself as a constant state of blues instead (either that or I'm turning into my mum).

I kind of just want to stay in bed all day. Luckily I'm usually good at dragging my arse of of bed.

Not sure if this thread serves any purpose other than looking for fellow sad sacks- I say this affectionately as I am one of them- who can empathise?

Also, anyone who has had a traumatic childhood but without PTSD?

Dottie x

[Guest_322]

Hi Corny,

This was certainly an unexpected surprise. For whatever reason, your post set off the water works (so now I'm holed up in my room as I don't want my housemates to see my red eyes haha).

I probably needed a good cry come to think of it...it's okay...you don't need to try to "fix" anything or have any answers or anything like that. Sometimes a simple "I get it" is enough. And because you "get it", it set off the tears. There we go, mystery solved re: tears. Understanding is powerful.

Bleakness and sharpness sums it up. Thank you for trying to find me on BB btw. I know you're going through your own stuff so I'm touched that you would still reach out.

I hope you're taking really good care of yourself. Doing or not doing whatever it is you do or don't need to do.

Thank you so much, just keep doing your thing and being the awesomeness that is you.

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

Dots,

I am a women of mystery and intrigue.

You already know this.

Just when ya' thought I forgot who you, I was like.......BOOM....BA!

You and Sara are SOOO good at BOLD and ITALICS.....it's bordering on finesse.....it is quite simply intimidating! Will I ever measure up with my silly, chequer-board brain of On Line/Off Line, Dissociative/Somewhat Coherent...Do I Understand What They Just Wrote/Hmmmm I Dunno........I probably will not.

I was just saying' to our mate Sara, I feel for you guys.............cos' I noticed that Depression seems to be quite heavy and dominate right now. Ball and chain on ya' foot, tear you down, kind of stuff.

I won't patronise you and pretend I know what that feels like, when it has to be felt, and endured in the long term. Maybe somewhere in my future I will know, once my adrenalin runs out. And we can compare scars.

I suppose, because we have made so many amazing medical advances in so many areas of health, that it could be assumed that because we are handing out lots of pills for depression, that we understand the physiological mechanics of the beast.......we don't.

Anyways Dots..................

.............I never wanted to make you cry...................all I wanted to do was to observe from afar with compassion,........and say yes!, Dots.....

I can't change it, BUT (I am so getting the hang of these bold/italics)

I understand how it feels, to feel invisible to your mother and grandmother, and to ultimately be an insignificant.

If I could attempt to sum up my childhood into one word........ it would probably be........."dispensable".

I have always felt dispensable Dots.

And I see that same hurt in you, & Sara.

I just wanted you guys to know that you are not alone, and it is my hurt too.

Corny xx

[Guest_322]

Hey Corny,

Still temporarily holed up in my room haha...

Ah that sense of humour of yours. Warm yet funny at the same time. Yes, practice makes perfect. Italics and bold is an art form.

I think you understand well enough. Besides, it's impossible to 100% understand what someone else's going through. No mind readers that I'm aware of yet.

Oh boy, I'm not sure if my blues is something that you would want. I mean, your PTSD and my blues often seem like 2 sides of a coin. Both unpleasant in their own way.

I hope if your adrenalin runs out, you'll feel stable and not have it go the other way and become depression. It's not much fun when it becomes "I don't want to get out of bed", my heart hurts, want to cry, legs feel heavy, "s***, another day to face", blah, blah...long term blues is a really repetitive bore.

Anyway...

Don't worry about it. I wasn't crying because I was upset: I was crying because I was moved.

I suppose all I've ever really wanted was to feel heard. To have a voice. Maybe that's why I'm alway harping on about choice and what not (that's a whole other story that you don't need to worry about haha).

Thanks for hearing me. It means a lot.

Dottie xxx

[Cornstarch]

My sister keeps texting me simultaneously about......#1 her Lamb Tagine she has Sloooooooow cooked all weekend, and....... #2....sending me pics/animated cartoon texts of Kim Kardashians Booty in my face.

I can't keep up.

My muddled brain is so confused.

My sister is so hetero-ignorant of lesbians are made of and what I did to Barbie.

There's one in every family Dots isn't there.

I was so tickled when I read somewhere that you thought that I was "rough around the edges"! On my Nana's side of the family they were publicans you know. The mad Irish can't shake their reputation Dots.

[Guest_322]

Corny,

I don't even know what to say to your last post haha. You really are the queen of surprises.

The good thing was your sister's texts amused you.

(laughs) And I'm glad that my comments also amused you, and that you clearly have a fun loving side. Ah so you have Irish ancestry- that's pretty cool.

Anyway, I've to unhole myself from my room pretty soon.

Enjoy your sister's texts and pics!

Dottie xxx

[Croix]

Dear Corny (wave to Dottie)~

I'm pleased you found this thread, and that you can for the moment talk.

You do not have to provide wisdom, though you have before, you do not have to meet face to face in order to make a meaningful contact. You are not one who belongs to the ranks of the useless. Just by being you inspires and gathers care.

Even so you are dispensing your insight -Irish style and all.

As I once mentioned before if meeting of any member of your family was possible, it would without question be you. You are no way 'dispensable'.

My problems with that indecent are abating, late to start, early to quieten down - thank goodness.

Croix (who is much to polite to use bold or italics in front of you 🙂

[Just Sara]

Hey D-Girl! Shout-out to Corny and Croix! and all reading;

I wanted to talk a bit on your comment re 'being heard'. This issue has plagued me since I remember. When people don't respond the way we want them to, the child who was dictated to, punished and ignored will rise to fight for recognition.

Anger and abandonment were my biggies. Being ignored or spoken over felt like I didn't exist except to take on 'their' rantings, giving them acknowledgement and validation instead.

My question to myself was; 'Why do I want to impress people I don't like or want around? It doesn't make sense.'

The answer? 'Because the little girl I used to be was invisible...to me.' I was very visible to 'them'. What happened in communication, was literally seeing them and not acknowledging me. I had it back to front.

I don't know if this makes sense, but knowing I exist in the room not just as a piece of furniture, made all the difference; it was a mind shift of magnitude. They need me!

Do I need them as much? Hell no! I have me! The one they want to agree with them. Therefore I have empowerment just by acknowledging myself. I can negotiate or debate on my own behalf; not appease them anymore to make them happy. They can agree or disagree with me now.

I hope I've made sense. Please ask me to clarify anything ok? I tried to make it simple.

Love ya...

Sara xo

[Guest_322]

Hi Sara (waves back at Croix),

Thank you so much for your insight on being heard. What you're saying makes a lot of sense. It sounds like you tried to "shrink yourself" for other people's sake, like, prioritising their needs and wants above your own (meaning your own needs were sidelined).

I guess relationships are meant to be a 2 way street and yours sounded like they were really unbalanced. They took, you gave. They talked, you listened.

I think it's beautiful that you're now starting to become your own person, and recognise that your own needs and opinions equally deserve to be acknowledged and heard. You don't have to seek anyone else's approval. You have found your voice. Hurray!

I guess in my own case, my "being heard" stance is more of a case of "don't you dare tell me what to do." I mean "you" in a general sense and not anyone in particular. I think mine has come out, in part, as an argumentative streak (that I mostly reserve for my uni lecturers haha). My faves were my philosophy lecturers back in first year.

Also, I guess in my own case, I tend not to share my problems. Keep things to myself. Don't want to "bother" other people and if I do open up, I feel guilty for taking up other people's time (especially if I know they are also struggling). Usually in those instances, I just say very little about myself. I don't want to add to people's worries and be a burden.

I know that my attachment style is mostly avoidant (no surprises there haha). People getting too close in my offline life makes me want to bolt. It's like I crave closeness but at the same time, I've a big fear of being hurt so I start emotionally withdrawing.

My ex and I used to bicker about this all the time. I swear that I ended almost every argument with him with something like "I'm not a damsel in distress- I don't need your help" or "I can take care of myself", blah, blah. Typical Dottie.

I've rambled enough. Thanks again Sara. Appreciate you, Corny and Croix you

Dottie xxx

[james1]

Hey Dottie,

Just wanted to wave and say hi, thinking of you, hoping you are doing well. I don't see you around as much now and wasn't sure if that was because you're busy or been pondering a lot or maybe I just keep missing you. Anyway, whether or not you're feeling alone or isolated, just wishing you a good day. 🙂

James

[Croix]

Dear Dottie~

I saw your Battle Symphony entry which reminded me it was the start of SwotVac in many institutions so decided to see if you were managing ok.

Swotvac preceeds exams and is a most difficult time for many, even if well prepared. It can be when one loses one's sense of proportion and self-confidence can go out the window (a polite way of saying panic!)

I'm sure none of this would apply to you:)

Take care of yourself

Croix