Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

I try my best in offering advice even if it’s crap because it’s a heart aching feeling when you are struggling or have a problem (big or small) and you need help but you’re not sure/don’t know who you can turn to. In this case, I hope the advice is helpful.

Usually this downhill thing ends up in hospital. I’m not sure what would be best. As far as I’m aware, my options are:

- staying at home with the support of DBT phone counselling, regular appointments and my friends and family (they don’t know and I’m not really comfortable in telling them)

- sub acute mental health place that I visited last week either for the day, a night or two, or long term (2-4 weeks)

- local hospital’s adolescent ward overnight or for a few nights, (not really any mental health support but should keep me physically safe)

- closest youth acute mental health ward for a 5 days to a month (4 hour drive away and will have to take a parent with me)

The bottom three also rely on a bed being free. And there’s also multiple more factors to each one.

So yeah, I have no idea but by Friday some sort of plan should be figured out.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

I wanted to start off by asking if you are ok as your post last night suggested that you were having a particularly hard time with " It’s gotten to the point where my chronic suicidality is screaming at me in my head most of my day. My mind is telling me to hurry up and do it. Every thought or idea leads to “you should/will be dead anyway” or that kind of thing" . I am thinking of you today and hope that you have considered activating your plan to stay safe. I know I must sound like a broken record but you are so very very worth it Hannah, you are wanted and needed and those thoughts in your head are not truths.

Thank you so much for your advice I have actually written down the points that you made, I really liked how you mentioned not to push her as this will aggravate her, I think I do that as I don't want her to slip into a mental health situation so I over compensate which could in effect push her to anxiety or depression, thank you.

My daughter is 13 so alot going on for her I know, pre puberty, year 7, new friends...but it is just so hard to see your bubbly girl start to worry and fade....just like your amazing parents, the worry you have for your children compares to nothing and you would do ANYTHING to get them to a happy place in their head.

..you are so right about gut feelings and i do live by the saying "if it feels wrong it probably is"...I am not feeling that just yet as I know her friends and I think she was just having a bad day as she had a fight in the morning with her brother and that I think started her day off on the wrong foot too.

Thanks so much for your advice Hannah, you are so helpful, wise and so mature beyond your years.

Huge hugs for you today and hope you can get some sunshine and a smile.

Thinking so much of you Hannah

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I’m okay, just unsure of how I’ll make it through each day/hour/minute. I forgot, I’ll probably also see my school counsellor tomorrow so she should be able to provide me with some support.

I’m glad those tips were helpful. I have a younger sister who’s a similar age and also in year 7. She came out with similar statements a while back. She’s very insecure. Providing you with advice has been good as it has made me more easily able to assess my own situation in helping my sister.

I think at that age most people (at least in this generation) start questioning themselves, their identity and their values. It’s usually when kids stray away and question what they’ve been told by their family and friends in order to form their own unique selves.

I remember being in grade 7. I recall it was a time where I started questioning my identity (being half English half Japanese, born and raised in Australia), my looks and just everything in general. Kind of interesting.

I wasn’t able to sense my “gut feelings” until this year. It has never done me too wrong, even in little things like choosing my lunch.

I hope you and your family are doing well,

Hannah

[Aaronsis]

Thank you for letting me know that you are ok and I am happy to hear you are meeting with the school counsellor tomorrow, I am glad she provides some support for you.

It is a very interesting time being in Year 7, finding out who you are and what you are supposed to be..that is great that you are there for your sister, she will very much be looking to her big sister for support in her time of finding herself, she is lucky to have you.

My cousin (American) and married a Japanese lady, they have 3 daughters and I must say are just stunning, they have the most sweetest faces and that Japanese character which is just so lovely too!

My family are good tonight, thank you for asking, it was very different yesterday and I am glad that day is over to be honest, my daughter and son had a huge fight in the morning and I think this really set her up for a crappy day, which is why I get those sorts of texts I am starting to see. I am also noticing that when she is hungry she is also very unreasonable and emotional so I have to remind her to eat often to prevent almost tantrum like behaviour....ah the joys!

We had a beautiful day in Melbourne today and I hope you had some fantastic weather, it makes me so happy to sit in the sun for a few minutes to soak up some happiness.

Chat soon hannah

Sarah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

I wish when I was right down I had your ability to think logically about option, I"m afraid it was more like I needed to be led by the hand.

OK so 4 things, if you were to reflect on them and just asked yourself one question"

Which would I feel most comfortable in -and be safe?

I'd suggest (for me) going for theone, even if getting there involves parents or other hassles.

Personally I doubt home would satisfy the second part for myself, too many familiar opportunities and events - you might disagree.

I admire the incite you have into Sarah's daughter, you have far more than most.

I value talking to you, and now would like to ask you a personal question becuse it has been on my mind - you have no obligation to answer of course, that goes without saying.

Is Hannah your name, or the one you feel suits you form a ell known Netflix program?

[Croix]

Sigh - I pressed the wrong button and the message sent before I'd completed/edited typos etc it. It realy makes no difference at all how I think of you, as it is the real you I see and talk to.

I have enough faith in you to ask the question, please take that as a compliment and a mark of respect, you are one of the very few in three years I'd have that faith in.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

I'm glad you and your family are good now. Hangriness can get quite intense in hormonal teens. I think my parents have found that with my sister and I. Hopefully the rest of your daughter's high school journey isn't too rough.

A lot of people have trouble guessing what my ethnic background is, I've got all sorts from Filipino, Indian, Chinese, Italian, Brazilian, Kiwi etc. Sometimes entertaining watching people guess!

I live in Queensland so the weather changes between sun, clouds and rain but is always very hot and humid! Recently its been quite nice though.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

A good way to think about it, which would make me feel most comfortable and safe. A bit tricky because none single option stands out. The far away hospital one would be very safe but not sure how comfortable because of how far away from home I'd be and the new environment. The local hospital option is also high in safety but not that comfortable, I don't like spending more than a night or two there. The sub-acute place is very comfortable but mediocre in safety I think. Not sure about safety there actually because my last admission there I managed to have quite a serious attempt, therefore if I stay there again I think my "security" will be very high. Home is pretty safe (I'm always in the house or accompanied by someone) and comfortable in some ways with my own familiar room and bed but uncomfortable dealing with my family.

Now I've written that down maybe the sub-acute place would be best. Still not 100% sure. When talking to my case manager tomorrow she might have some ideas such as combining two or adjusting home etc. Another quite major thing I need to consider is that I finish school in three weeks and where I live I'm still meant to be attending school daily until that final day. I can miss a bit but if I'm away or get to the point where I'm really ill I will miss important things like exams and formal. I guess it'd be the same if I were dead so I don't know.

My real name is in fact Hannah, just a weird coincidence that the 13 reasons why star is also an Aussie (the actress) suicidal high school girl. My parents named me Hannah because they both really liked that name and it is easy to say in Japanese (it translates to flower).

Thanks for your help,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Thank you for setting my mind at rest, I was really worried about that name for some reason but was hesitant to ask. Flower is lovely, and from the description you give of your background, perhaps an exotic one, rare and to be prized

There probably aren't any correct choices as to where to go, or stay. I phrase the question so it would be somewhere that was safe, but at the same time you could feel comfortable, which for me translates as less real life, more of a different world. That in itself can promote safety.

If you do live a long and increasing happy life (not impossible, look at me) you might possibly regret missing the last few days of school, though there are later alternatives. Can you hang out that long? It is not worth spending your life to achieve this.

Talking of flowers, we still have the flowers from our wedding 21 years ago in our living room (yes they are a dry arrangement now), we prize and value them as well as each other. You are valued too.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

So I had my appointment with my case manager today. We came to the conclusion that I'll probably be safe at home but I can go to the sub-acute facility during the day anytime if I feel the need to. I have exactly three weeks until I graduate so I hoping to hold on for the rest of it somehow maybe.

At the moment I'm just really confused about my emotions. I can't tell if I'm happy, sad, angry, worried etc. It's annoying as while I was trying to talk about it with my therapist, I couldn't put my finger on the thoughts, feelings and emotions I was/had been feeling. Ended up in me going to school and crying all through the day. I saw the school counsellor which is a good escape from normal school life (like less real life as you described but just for half an hour or so). I usually go there as a safer place when I'm really distressed, I get to talk to her about my everyday life as well as my mental health and get some different insight. I also get to get out of class and do random colouring and play with clay!

My appointment with my DBT therapist was good at the end of the day to wrap up an emotional mess of a day. We clarified a few of the emotions and reasons behind them but I still feel so unsure of myself. I realised I have no trust in myself and my mind is totally in control of me. I'm scared of myself and its terrifying because its the one person you're meant to have.

It's been a big week and I can't wait for it to be over.

I do love flowers,

Hannah