Chronic suicidality

[Idontevenknow]

Hi everyone,

I have had chronically suicidal for over two years. It has led to a few attempts and hospitalisations. I'm currently receiving treatment/therapy but it's a long process. Its kind of getting tough because unfortunately you can't just pause life. I'm under a lot of stress from school (zillions of grade 12 assessments), my anxiety has skyrocketed and I'm trying to continue functioning as a normal human being despite being very depressed. Does anyone have any tips on how to keep going in those times between treatment and living a relatively normal life or just with dealing with chronic suicidality in general?

Thanks heaps

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Croix,

The day at the clinic was okay. I hung out with a few of the patients, it was interesting to go back because there was quite a different atmosphere. Overall, it didn't go too well. I was extremely anxious the whole time and really tired for a lot of it (side effect of the meds) despite having a rest while there. Got to catch up with a few of the staff and see what had changed in the building which was good. The main negative thing was that I realised how much worse I've gotten since the time I was there (not just from staying there but a few months ago in general). My anxiety, self harm habits and social life have gotten a lot worse despite the immense therapy I'm receiving.

Next time I see my case manager we'll discuss possibly another day or overnight stay there in the future. Like you said, the strangeness of the situation probably triggered a lot of the anxiety so the more I go, the better it'll hopefully get. Although this first experience wasn't great I'll follow your advice and keep trying it to hopefully see some improvement. My DBT therapist also pointed out I probably felt a bit shitty after leaving too because I wasn't used to the change from the "circuit breaker" to the "real world" again.

I tried Smiling Mind but it didn't work too well for me, the breathing thing on Calm Harm sometimes helps. I started DBT group this week and I've already gained two skills to help me which I'll try more often when I'm distressed. So far, they've worked pretty well. However, haven't found a new mindfulness exercise that works for me yet but I'm sure one is coming.

I agree with you on that, I probably won't realise how ill I am until I improve later on. I find that already with when I'm improving I don't realise I was improving until I'm getting worse again.

My suicidal ideation has gotten a lot worse but my two "reasons to live" are:

- it's an "inconvenient" time to die or end up in hospital

- not to "fail" again

So far these things are keeping me going because they both go against my urges. They will probably stop me over the next few weeks too because of all the stuff going on, it'll still be an inconvenient time. I've also put a plan in place that I have to complete all four different safety plans I have in my room until I try anything; they are very long so its very hard to finish them all in a day/night.

Thanks for all of your advice and support,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello AS,

I'm glad my story is helping you and your teens and other people in your life with learning and managing mental health. It is so important that everyone understands how to care for their mental health and how to get support if they need. I can say at least 50% of my school grade have experienced a mental illness or unpleasant symptoms of a mental illness but there is no one that is open about it. We have learnt very little about it in school too, it's kinda crazy considering how common and damaging the problem is. I try and reach out to people who look like they're going through a tough time because through my experiences, their symptoms and behaviours stand out to me very clearly a majority of the time.

My mental health team coming together has been very helpful. I can't believe how lucky I am to have so many people supporting me. I can remember a time when I had what felt like no one and had no idea what was happening to me. It was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced.

In the future I'm hoping whatever I do can at least help people struggling with their mental health at least a bit like a doctor, nurse, paramedic, counsellor, social worker, AIN, support worker etc.

Going for walks is still pretty nice. I live near the beach and my parents LOVE to go for walks along the beach in the morning or early evening. I like it too but I get bored and tired sometimes.

I hope you're having a great weekend,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Going for walks is good, if it tires you that is good too, as you are finding you are getting fitter. I would be bored witless to just go for a walk. When I could walk properly there was my partner to natter on with, or Zeppelin Dog pulling every whichway, or my headphones. I often listened to hear a books as I went. It was amazing, I'd reach home so quickly.

Suicidal ideation gets less and less potent - look at me. It never went away entirely but became easier and easier to deal with until now I see it like one of your express passing trains, quickly gone, not real enough to worry about.

Try adding waste to your list. Ever see somebody throw somethng away that was perfectly good? Always grates in me to see that happen, a working useful or decorative item trashed.

You are worth a lot, to discard all those years of experience, wisdom and caring would indeed be a waste.

Your experience is already helping others, as AS points out. Imagine how much richer it would feel when you have someone close in your life and you can help, advise, be strong. It turns around completely how you regard yourself.

I hope that makes sense because that is what has happened to me.

Croix

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

I'll try out going for a walk with some sort of entertainment, when I get a dog I can walk them and we can keep eachother company.

I feel like its the other way around with waste. I feel like I'm completely useless at everything and get in the way of perfectly good things and waste space. Maybe those feelings will go away eventually because your explanation does kind of make sense.

Do you have any tips on how to combat fatigue? When I'm getting worse one of the things that drops quite drastically is my energy. I'm already getting the side effect of tiredness from the medication. Now I can hardly get up and going, when I do I can only do stuff for a few hours maximum then I need a rest or nap. It's really annoying and the next few weeks ahead of me are crazy busy with not much extra time for resting. Hopefully it'll go away soon.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Your tiredness may indeed be due to meds, so talk to you doctor, apart from that the usual -a healthy diet, day broken into sessions with rest between each. Small steps if getting up is impossible just aim for brushing teeth and then reviewing how you feel.

Do you easy homework first, that gives feelings of accomplished.

Try for humor, something funny, the net is full of stuff, so find what you like and watch a little, keep more for later. As you dance consider mime too, it takes skill to represent actions in a way others can follow, ideal dance material .

Have a look for the video clip "MARCEL MARCEAU Le petit café parisien", it will give you an idea. You would have your own ideas.

Depression narrows our minds down, mine has blanked out everything except guilt and uselessness often in the past. It is a distortion of the truth and throws away all that is good.

You are worth talking with, encouraging and telling the truth - which is you are worthwhile and doing more good than you know simply be showing others how you go.

You are not alone you know.

Croix

[Aaronsis]

Hi Hannah

I actually wanted to stop in today not only to say hi and see how you are doing but to ask you a question.

You are the best person to answer this for me and as this is happening this morning to me I thought "Hannah will know what to say"

My daughter is texting me from school saying she hates it and her friends hate her. She wants to come home.

I have calmed her down and she is fine now..however...what do I say to her other than "your friends don't hate you"..they really dont hate her and I know that, they come to our house and they all get along fine. But saying this to her will be just like saying "get over it"..which we all know is the worst thing to say.

What would you think she would want to hear that would reassure her?

I know this is alot to dump on you but I felt like you would know the answer.

Hope you are finding some joy in today Hannah, hugs to you.

Sarah

[Idontevenknow]

Hello Croix,

Thanks for all of those tips, I’ll try and implement them.

As I said earlier in the thread, this time I’m trying the approach of telling people as I’m feeling worse and worse. I hoped this would help but so far I’ve just kept falling and feeling shit. I don’t know when it’s going to get better. I don’t see how it’s going to get better. It’s gotten to the point where my chronic suicidality is screaming at me in my head most of my day. My mind is telling me to hurry up and do it. Every thought or idea leads to “you should/will be dead anyway” or that kind of thing. Everyone around me is so supportive but I’m just drowning anyway. My anxiety has absolutely skyrocketed too and self harm is getting more prevalent. Everything is going to crap.

Thanks,

Hannah

[Idontevenknow]

Hi Sarah,

Its a shame your daughter feels so out of place and is hating school.

I’m sorry but I’m not exactly sure what to say either. Some of it depends on how old she is.

The best advice I can think of is maybe ask why she thinks her friends hate her. If there’s something solvable there then that’s good. But be careful, she may get defensive and aggravated if she can’t think of an answer so don’t push it if she gets like that because it might make it worse. Don’t over protective/too into it either otherwise she might feel an invasion of privacy. It’s really good that she is able to come to you when she’s feeling like that so make sure you reassure her that you are always there for her and that she can contact you anytime she needs etc.

The general encouragement (not too over the top) might help too eg. be yourself and let people like you for who you are, you are a great friend, or even I’m pretty sure they don’t hate you might be okay, really depends on the age, situation and personality. Just go with your gut in what to say, and I’m sure it’ll be good. You provide so much support here on the forums so I believe you can do it for your own daughter as well.

Best of luck,

Hannah

[Sophie_M]

Dear Hannah,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. We think you are really strong for doing so. It sounds like you're having an especially tough time at the moment and we have sent you a private message in response. Maybe it's time for you to start enacting your safety plan.

If you believe you are an immediate danger to yourself, always call 000.
You can also call the Suicide Call Back Service – 1300 659 467

Stay safe,

Sophie M.

[Croix]

Dear Hannah~

Your reply to Sarah shows care for others, practical thought and wisdom. That's rather a lot to discount as not being worth anything

As I've said before depression narrows down perception to block out all the good things, they are still there though.

You do need a circuit breaker to stop that endless circle of suicidal thoughts., what do you think might be most effective?

Croix