BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

Nice to hear from you 🙂

I'm really glad you are in a supportive relationship. I find it really hard to connect with people on a romantic level. It's a bit related to my past trauma and also BPD. I'm so bad at working out that someone is interested in me. I just can't read the signs. I also have been in hospital so much in the past few years (all the admissions would add up to be quite a number of months). So I'm a bit isolated which also doesn't help. I've tried tinder but had a few bad experiences, I seem to attract the creepy ones!

I'm also naturally skinny. I don't need to exercise to stay small but like you I do it for the mental health benefits. I used to do a lot of running so maybe I should try to get back into that. Do some fun runs and just get active.

I love academics so I just find it is my outlet where I can escape from my thoughts. I don't really have any super hints except that I studied even during my worst period of depression and it made me feel a little bit better. So just keep at it!

How has your week been?

LC

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

Thanks for your message. I tried posting before, but it hasn't come up, so I am going to try again!

I am really happy to hear that you are in a supportive relationship. I find it really difficult to connect with people on a romantic level. I think it has something to do with my past and also my BPD. I find that I can't tell whether someone is interested in me and I find the whole process so confusing. I also have spent a lot of time over the last few years in hospital (I don't want to even think about how many weeks I have been in, it would be many months in total). It means I am now a bit isolated in the real world, so it's hard to even find someone to connect with. I tried tinder but I had a couple of creepy guys and I found the whole experience frightening. I think I need to get a bit better still before I am ready for a relationship.

I am also pretty skinny and find I don't need to exercise to stay small. Yay! Metabolism. When I was really unwell, I lost heaps of weight not because of an eating disorder but from not eating due to stress. I want to start running again and maybe do a fun run. I used to be a really keen runner.

I have a good relationship with my Dr so I will definitely contact her if I find myself hallucinating.

I love studying. Even when I was at my most depressed, I found I could focus. I actually spent time in hospital learning a language. It was a great distraction and made me feel productive which is something I need to help me. I really enjoy studying, so it is my outlet. I think I have always just seen studying and reading as an escape and it didn't change when I got sick. So sorry I don't have any awesome hints.

I am really proud of you for almost finishing your degree and thinking about postgraduate studies. That is pretty awesome. Well done 🙂

Anyway hope this works now.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC, I'm going to be replying to your post to me and also to Zeal, so sorry if I jump around a bit!

I'm just trying to play scales. I also hated scales back then but for some reason I always liked arpeggios. I guess it was just a matter of liking the progression of scales, but they were too long, so arpeggios struck that nice medium 🙂 Cool, I think the local community orchestra at my place takes AMEB 6 and above, so it sounds like once you get back into it, a community orchestra could be the way to go 🙂 And I think community bands would have lower requirements since they have more clarinets.

Oh I'm very impressed that you're doing arts and law and you're able to focus. What do you want to do later? I was doing economics and arts but dropped the arts when I got a job. I really liked philosophy and politics though. What language were you studying and are you keeping it up? Do you think you'd ever want to go into academia? It sounds like you really love learning which is amazing (so do I!).

Ah...I'm sorry to hear about the hallucination. I dont' know much about it. I take it it doesn't happen anymore?

Haha she sounds lovely and very cute. How old is she? My dog is such a sulker if we dont play with him. He stops dropping the toys in front of us and drops himself instead then licks the floor.

Fun runs sound like a really good idea. I've always been a fan of running because it helps me clear my head. It's mindless enough that I dont' think, but mindful enough that I'm not entirely disengaged. I've run a half marathon every year the past 3 years, but I prefer the 5-10km distance.

Yeah, I do the same as you. For me, I lump people either into my worst enemies or my best friends. Even strangers get dumped into one or the other after minutes of talking which is okay for a friendship, usually, but makes the whole dating thing almost impossible. And most of my friends just get me now, so thats okay. Everyone else ditched, haha. I tried tinder for a bit but it was really annoying. No one seemed to want to connect emotionally, but it was probably also just taht I wanted to connect too soon! I've heard about the creepiness from a female's perspective, so I'm just glad I'm male, haha. Have you tried going to any meet up groups to make new friends? I've started going to a writing meet up group and it's nice.

James

[Zeal]

Hi LC,

Technology is fickle - now three replies have been sent!

Thank you for your support and good wishes. I wasn't able to connect well with people until I had recovered from a bout of mental illness that started in 2012. The illness affected me both physically and mentally, so I lost contact with friends, and dating/romantic relationships certainly weren't on my radar. You've had a lot to contend with, so it is perfectly understandable that dating and relationships have been a bit out of reach. Woah, staying off Tinder after that experience is probably a good idea. I have never tried it - I am pretty basic when it comes to technology. I have Facebook and use this forum regularly, but I don't have or use Instagram, Snapchat, Pinterest, Twitter, and I don't play video games either, or even online shop. I also haven't upgraded my 7 year-old Nokia to a smartphone yet!

Thanks for the support! I am really excited about finishing my undergraduate studies next month! Do you have much study left? I am amazed that you are able to study no matter how you are doing psychologically - that is rare. Learning a language while in hospital - now that's smart!

Yay for fast metabolisms! I am glad that you returned to a healthy weight after your illness. I too lost a lot of weight when I was really unwell, as I had an atypical eating disorder. Getting an eating disorder was something I did not expect, and my clinical presentation didn't neatly fit into a category.
As you said, exercise is crucial for maintaining good mental health. I used to love running, up until the age of 16. I enjoyed long-distance running (cross country) the most, and I did school rowing from the age of 13 to 16. The only days we didn't have rowing training or racing were Friday and Sunday!

My week has been going fairly well, thanks! I have my last psychology assignment due tomorrow, then a major assignment for anthropology, three exams, and then I'm done! I have been working on my assignment a fair bit this morning, after having procrastinated for days! The fact that I've made it through a degree with my incredibly sub-par concentration levels surprises me sometimes! haha

I hope your week is going well 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi James

A local orchestra would be great. A good way to meet people and a regular thing too. I'll definitely look into it.

I am definitely aiming to be an academic. I like learning about the theories underpinning law and researching and writing assignments. The practical side of law in law firm is a lot of client type strategy meetings, very commercial things such as preparing a company for launching on the stock market (initial public offering) or negotiating contractual terms for the sale of a business and as a junior you do a lot of due diligence (which is basically going through documents). I have volunteered at a community legal service and I liked going to court, but I found after a while I was bored with the work. It ended up being all the same in my opinion and while seeing clients was really rewarding, I wouldn't want to do it as a career. Haha that was a very detailed answer!

I was learning Italian in hospital. I had lots of vocab everywhere in my room and I would sit and do exercises. I should continue learning, but I haven't really thought about it. It was a good distraction in hospital, but I think I was using it as a bit of an escape and not dealing with my emotional issues. I haven't done any language learning for a while. I think clarinet has replaced it for now.

I have only ever had one hallucination, but that was more than enough!

My little girl is almost 2. Her favourite thing in the world is food, followed by ball, tummy tickles and walks. She hates the beach (she literally refused to walk on the sand) and water, although she tolerates a bath. I find her so grounding - her little heart beating and feeling her breath. She is such a good mindfulness tool.

Ah yeah totally agree with what you say about people and connections. I either love or hate someone, no in between feelings. Yeah Tinder isn't a great option for me at the moment. I should do a meet up group. You obviously like writing which is awesome. I do some activities at uni, but I haven't been able to find anyone there!

LC

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

Yes, I did a bit of spam yesterday. I am actually really surprised that the first post came up as my phone indicated that the message had not been uploaded as it lost internet connection. My response to James was instantaneous just then.

Yeah I have had a lot to contend with, so it's really not that surprising that I haven't been able to focus on that aspect of my life. I am amazed that you don't have a smart phone! Once you get one, you'll never look back. But that said, it's amazing how long Nokia's last. My phone I've had to replace every few years. I have Facebook and Twitter. I follow lots of news stuff on my phone which is great.

If all goes to plan, I should finish my degrees next year. But then I'll look to do more study. I think study and me are a good mix. And yeah it's been strange, I have literally done assignments in hospital and attended exams from hospital. It's a bit of a weird situation, but I have been lucky that I can keep going with that aspect of my life.

I was a cross-country runner too. I also loved hiking. I'm too small for rowing, although I kept on getting asked to be a cox when I was at school. I wasn't attracted to the early mornings!

Well done for almost finishing your subjects! That's really awesome. I think it's great you have been able to study even with lower levels of concentration, it shows really perseverance. I have an assignment due next week and I have a lot to do for it. I'm sure I'll get it done, but it's progressing a bit slowly than it needs to at the moment.

Anyway I better get back to my assignment

LC

[Zeal]

Hi LC,

I didn't know you had a young daughter! That's great - she sounds adorable 🙂

Your smartphone comment made me smile, as others have made comments like "Once you get one, you'll never look back" haha.

I am actually astounded that you have managed to do assignments and sit exams in hospital! Academia clearly suits you well, in virtually any situation! It's cool you also liked cross country. I never tried being a coxswain actually...maybe if I was shorter. I am 3cm shy of 6 foot, so that's fairly tall for a female.

Thank you for the encouragement! The concentration issues are a pain, but I only have just over 3 weeks left now 🙂

Good luck with your assignment! I have one due tomorrow I have been adding to slowly, bit by bit!

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

My fur-daughter 😛 I view my dog as my child. Sorry for not being clear!

Haha thanks. I'm so lucky to be able to study. I'm also glad my psychiatrist understands that I need to keep doing study to make me feel ok. There is a chance I might deteriorate when uni holidays start because I'm not occupied. So I will have to do something to keep me busy! I have never been good at taking a break. I am terrible at relaxing.

Wow. You are tall. I'm 162 cm, so pretty small.

I am also slowly chipping away at my assignment. I have barely added to the word count today, but I have made the paragraphs better. Hopefully I have a good burst after dinner.

Hope you have a productive night and it doesn't drag on to late. I have had the experience of doing an all nighter before and I'd never do it again by choice.

LC

[Zeal]

Hey LC,

That's funny that I misinterpreted your "little girl" comment! The word adorable can still apply though 🙂

I know a few people who struggle to stop doing productive things and just relax. I suppose it's both a gift and a curse (as Adrian from the TV series Monk would say). In modern society, I feel that it can be more of a gift 🙂
Sometimes I will be 'relaxing', but feel stressed at the same time! That is my specialty 😛

Paragraph fixing can sometimes be the most time-consuming, as can editing. I'm hoping to have motivation after dinner too. My prac report is due by 4pm tomorrow, and I have a fair way to go yet! I definitely won't pull an all-nighter, as my brain does not function well at all in that situation. I am used to a general lack of sleep though, but not all the time 😛

Hope your night goes well both work-wise and mood-wise 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

I just put my doggie to bed. She's so sweet. You put her in her bed and then tuck her in with her pink little blanket. She's actually like a baby.

I reckon the not relaxing thing impacts me a bit. I worked full time for a bit during the summer holidays and could not switch off at all. I'd constantly think about work, my performance at work and I think my health plummeted as a result. It wasn't even a "real world job". Just a temp thing, but I just couldn't cope at all. It's funny I'm BPD, depressed, anxious, probably PTSD although not officially... so many things!

I think I understand your relaxed/stressed thing on breaks. Last holiday the only time I relaxed was when I had a cold and was sick in bed. A cloudy head is enough to calm me down!

Agree re your comment about editing and reviewing - it all takes time. I have an idea what I need to do tomorrow, so just keep at it.

Prac report sounds interesting. I have a bit of an interest in psychology due to all my stuff and I occasionally read books aimed at practitioners or academics and there is so much practical stuff out there. I find it interesting when I meet psychologists to find out what they did their thesis on as they seem to do studies on such a broad range of things.

Night

LC