BPD

[GuestYD]

Hi all

i have BPD. I have been to the emergency department multiple times due to suicidal thinking when 2 hours before I was happy. I can go from excited to depressed in an instant.

i used to self harm but I've stopped that. I am fixated by the idea of suicide even though I've got no intent. I can be impulsive.

I idealise certain people in my life, including my mental health team.

I fear that my Dr will abandon me.

i experienced brief psychosis when I was stressed and the object wasn't really there

[james1]

Hey LC I know exactly what you mean. I actually had a good day yesterday then night came and, well, my good day ended. For me I think it's reflection time, lonely time and the thought of having to get up again tomorrow and do everything. Do you know what you struggle with particularly at night?

What do you mean about your group being toxic? Not very nice people?

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I agree with what you say about night. I find that I'm a bit vulnerable while my night meds work. I don't actually remember posting last night, so I can't be entirely sure about what I'm thinking.

Re DBT the group basically competed to be the sickest and discuss things against the group guidelines during our breaks. So it was very triggering and I'd end up feeling awful afterwards.

LC

[james1]

Oh you have to take your meds at night? That's strange and really annoying. What are they if you don't mind me asking?

Eurgh that's the worst. Can't we all just accept that we're each struggling and there's no competition? Did everyone there have BPD or was it a whole range of things?

James

[GuestYD]

I take an antipsychotic at night (it's a bit sedative and it calms my thoughts) and a sleeping tablet. I have an antidepressant in the morning too. Although my Dr is taking me off the antipsychotics but I'm feeling push backs in terms of my thinking at night on lower doses so will have to discuss whether it's really worth getting rid of them.

It was really ridiculous. I was really happy to get out of the environment. Everyone had to have either BPD or BPD traits, but most have BPD.

Have you done any group therapy?

LC

[james1]

Ah that's annoying having multiple tablets to take at different times. Yeah, I think you're the best judge of how they make you feel though the Dr is probably good at getting you to push those boundaries a bit so you can see whether you want them for comfort or if they're actually good.

I've never done group therapy. I really don't want to. I can't stand judgement and I just don't trust people to not judge me. I'd like a support group though. That sounds a lot nicer. I joined meetup and signed up to a billion different groups, but only ended up going to a writer's group in the end, haha.

Do you do anything creative to help you cope? I started writing again and it helped while I was still motivated 😛 I've lost that motivation now and I'm doing exercise instead and playing clarinet, but I expect I'll drop these again pretty soon and do something else, haha.

James

[GuestYD]

The tablets at different times isn't too bad. I know to take my morning one's when I get up and as I hop into bed I grab my other tablets. It just is what it is really and I see that they help so I am happy to take them. I was lucky that I have only tried 1 different antidepressent and 1 other antipsychotic as a temporary measure (but I ended up having such low blood pressure I had to be taken off it after one night) but I have been on pretty much every sleeping tablet there is. Your body gets used to sleeping tablets, so you have to change every so often.

I've done one other group as an outpatient and I found that so slow. I think an intense 1 v 1 session is so much better, but some people find benefits in being in a group for support and knowing you aren't alone. It also gives you some structure if that's what you need.

In terms of creative stuff, in a fluke I also play clarinet. I picked it up again after not playing for some years. I ended up buying a wooden clarinet and it sounds so nice. I find it a bit harder to play. I ended up ordering SO much music from Amazon a few months ago and it's great having the variety of material. I was looking into starting clarinet lessons again, but I'm not sure where to look for a teacher.

I study so I have to do analytical writing for my degree and I am not creative at all.

I need to do more exercise. I get a sore back and so pilates really helps if I do it consistently, but it's hard to get back into it when you've been out of it a while. I do walk my dog everyday and she loves walking. She's my best friend. Do you have any pets?

Do you ever get dissociative? I do sometimes. One time I felt so disorientated and I felt a bit unstuck with time. So I lost track of what time it was and when I looked at my phone I couldn't comprehend how it was that time. I also sometimes zone out and feel like I am looking at the room from afar! It's a BPD thing too.

LC

[james1]

Hey LC,

Do you suffer from insomnia then?

Yeah i don't know what i want. To be honest, right now i just want to be left alone to do my own thing for a while. i've learnt a lot about myself from the sessions dealing with schema therapy, and i just need to let that sink in properly. i feel like i've got some semblance of control right now which is what i need.

oh that's awesome. when'd you pick it up again? yeah I've got a wooden clarinet too. I went from plastic to wooden when i was doing grade...6? maybe? they sound so much nicer 🙂 but they're heavier too. can you look on gumtree for a teacher? i live in sydney so it's easy for me. but i'm just trying to do it on my own for now and i'm just playing really basic things and doing scales.

Oh cool. What's your degree? I did economics and lots of arts (but ended up getting a job instead of finishing the arts side). Then i got really interested in the statistical side of economics so i tried to do my honours but i was doing that alongside full time work, so I had to stop after the semester from lack of sleep.

I love pets 🙂 I have a dog (maltese x silky) and he's silly. I also have a cockatiel. Both of them are 5 or 6 years old. Then when I move out I want to get 2 rats and a rabbit. The dog is living with my dad but the bird will come with me. Would you do yoga?

Haha my sense of time is either "crap what've I been doing the past few hours?" to "oh man, it's still only 5 minutes later?" I don't know whether my living is conscious or not. A lot of the time, I don't really count myself as living per se 😛 just...existing. I know someone else who's suffering from BPD and she hallucinates so I'm glad I dont' do that at least.

You mentioned before you struggle with interpersonal. What're your thoughts on them now? I feel like I can't really test myself and get better without actually trying to connect with people and face the seemingly inevitable disappointment.

James

[GuestYD]

Hi James

I probably do have insomnia, but I think about it as just a manifestation of my anxiety/depression rather than a separate thing. I presented very agitated and anxious during my first hospital admission and I needed something to settle me down.

I bought the clarinet at the start of the year and began to play again. I hated scales at school, but I'm finding I always practice them now. I've got a really broad range of things to play, so it keeps me engaged and I have fun. I was grade 5 AMEB when I stopped playing at school.

I study arts and law. I prefer law over my arts subjects. I find my study a really good outlet. I find I can still focus despite my depression, which is really lucky!

I've hullcinated before. I was really stressed and it was really scary. I was convinced that what I was seeing was real and I got distressed that nobody could see it.

I have a dog too. She's a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel and my best friend. She was trying to get me to play ball with her by dropping it at my feet. It's so cute. Not the most subtle girl. She's so friendly and loves meeting new people.

I've tried yoga, but I prefer Pilates so prioritise those classes.

Interpersonal stuff I find really confusing. I find relationships so confusing. If I like someone as a friend I can become really full on and overcommit to the relationship. I worry that the person will abandon me. I really am not good with dating either and end up feeling hurt. My best friend is wonderful though.

LC

[Zeal]

Hi LC,

I hope you don't mind me replying to the post you addressed to James! I just came across the post, and thought it would be nice to reply to you again, as I haven't for awhile.

Insomnia does often result from stress caused by mental illness. I've had insomnia since my late teens, but now I only have mild insomnia at times (unless I'm particularly stressed).

It's great that you play the clarinet. I used to play the piano when I was younger, but I never really got into it.
My sister studies law too, and she prefers it to her other area of study. I am just over 3 weeks away from being done with my psychological science degree, which I'm excited about. Next year I'm hoping to study postgrad counselling at my uni. The fact that you can focus and find study a rewarding outlet is amazing! I have OCD/anxiety, and have always battled with poor concentration. Do you have any smart strategies?

If you ever get hallucinations again, definitely see a professional. It sounds as though you are well attuned to your mental health needs, which is great 🙂

Good on you for prioritising pilates! I've also tried both yoga and pilates. I used to do pilates a fair bit at one stage, for my back, posture and general strength. I don't exercise much at all now, except for short walks and climbing stairs at uni. I haven't played a regular sport since I was 17, so for 6 years now. I find it hard to get motivated for physical activity. I stay slim even when I don't exercise, due to genetics and my dislike of fast food/most junk food. The reason I exercise (when I actually do it) is to improve my mental health and overall wellbeing.

Relationships can be hard. I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 21. I am now 23 and in a strong and happy relationship of 1.5 years, which I am so grateful for. My boyfriend accepts my OCD and the traits that come along with this. I'm so glad you have a great relationship with your best friend. There are thankfully people who accept those with mental illness, especially when they have prominent positive characteristics such as loyalty, honesty and kindness. Keep being you!

I hope your week is going well 🙂

Best wishes,

Zeal

[GuestYD]

Hi Zeal

Nice to hear from you 🙂

I'm glad that you have a supportive boyfriend. I have real trouble connecting with people on a romantic level probably because of my past and also the BPD. I am also terrible at reading the signs so have almost no idea that someone is interested in me. I think that's a bit of self confidence issues as well. I've also been in hospital a lot over the last few years so haven't really had any opportunity to find someone and I'm a bit isolated as a result.

I'm pretty skinny too but I ended up really underweight when I got sick not because of an eating disorder but just because I was too stressed to eat. That contributed to me being emotionally vulnerable and didn't help things. I managed to put on a healthy amount of weight once I started to get better.

I've always been into academics so I just find that I can focus and it calms my thinking. It is a bit like my outlet. Sorry I don't have any specific hints.

I see my dr every week and can call her in between so she'll definitely hear from me if it happens again.

Agree about exercise being good for mental health. I used to do a lot of running so it would be good to do some of that.

How is your week going?

LC