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Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

Clues_Of_Blue
Community Member

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

1,963 Replies 1,963

Blue, a loooong stretch at work, even with one less day, is sounding exhausting still.

I guess you are also in a Carers roll now also. I know you have always been, but it’s now home based, and things can charge dramatically. I don’t know how mobile your partner is, so I could have it all wrong. Whatever the situation, he is unwell, with some big reasons.

I have thought about the ‘ no casserole ‘ illness, and looking back, I’ve realised, I have never received a meal from anyone. Not even in all the different moves I’ve had. I admit to feeling both sad , and annoyed by that revelation. But, it helps me know what to do ,for someone I might come across, in the same situation.

I agree, education is good, but nothing compares to the lived experiences, absolutely nothing. I can still surprise myself with how debilitating it is, this far down the track. It can always bring new challenges , and take us off guard. Tricky stuff.

Maybe self discovery is a lifelong journey. No real end in sight. I’m reading a challenging book at the moment, hoping to put some simple things in place, to rewire my malfunctioning brain. Good luck to me.

We are mid winter Blue. I don’t know if the worst is over, or yet to come , but we are definitely in the middle. Wattle is lovely. Always a promise that spring is not far off.

I’m heading to the kettle for my second coffee. Leaving one here for you. Take care Blue.

Croix, the cheapest coffee I manage is Nescafé blend 43. Cant got past that one. I’ll never forget hospital coffee, if you could call it coffee.

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Wilma (with a wave to Blue, LM & Puffballs)

Learning about yourself is indeed life-long, right up to the last moment. I also think that education combined with lived experience is probably as good as it gets. I think that is the trouble with a lot of mental health professionals, all clinical learning, no personal experience.

You are educating yourself with that book, and many before I'd guess. Hopefully it meshes positively with your lived experience.

A couple years ago I got a spot on a lung, and having been a very heavy smoker from around 8 yrs old thought the obvious, all those cancer sticks had caught up with me. (sorry If I've mentioned this here before, sometimes I forget which people I've told)

For some inconvenient technical reason I could not have biopsy but had to wait 3 months. A funny time, not scared but sort of shrunk. Most of the things I'd thought important, or were my duty to perform, for family and elswhere, suddenly became mostly not mine at all. I'd been fooling myself into thinking I was more that I was.

So I learned and when the spot did not enlarge was pleased, but changed. Right up until what might have been the last few months there were important things to learn about myself -so you are right, a lifelong journey.

I'm really sad nobody looked after you and cooked you a meal, It would be nice to make it up to you - I'm sure Blue would be in it too. If you had your choice of home-cooked, what would it be?

You are all coffee snobs:) Mind you you are not alone. Every working copper I knew was "heaped spoon, two sugars and milk" of anything remotely resembling coffee. The ones I've kept up with after their retirement all know at least 16 different types of latte etc. I guess I just have second-class taste-buds:)

Has to hot though. Hospital coffee has sat on a trolley for the last 16 wards and is at best cool. 🥫 (pic is supposed to be an urn)

Croix

Wilma1
Community Member

He he Croix, coffee snobs indeed, and proud of it. 👍👍👍👍

I have read, and read, then read some more, and I think I understand my diagnosis better than the health professionals, or many of them. The tricky stuff for me is unlearning the twisted messagees from my past. I believed absolutely what I was told. Finding a place for me to co exist on this planet, is challenging. Believing I have value, unthinkable, but I’m beginning to believe, with hard work, I might be able to rewire, or, rewrite the blueprint on my brain. It won’t happen overnight, I can’t yet say it will happen, only hope it will.

Suffering certainly prepares us, equips us, and in a very, very twisted way, strengthens us. But it’s a different strength, I think you might have the descriptive word for that.

Life goes on, regardless of where we are at. A balancing act, always, always learning.

Take care Croix. Leaving a coffee for you and Blue. 💙💙

You bet the long stretch is exhausting, Wilma. I've been back on ADs for the last month or so (honestly, no sense of time, could be twice that for all I know), and they've done what they should, but also have sapped the little bit of energy I had. Have come now to the point where instead of being exhausted because of being miserable, it's being exhausted that makes me miserable. I've had no get up and go on my days off, just sat like a bump on a log unable to do much of anything. Looking around me at things that need doing and aren't getting done does not do good things for my mental space. Have had to cut back on my meds to function, I think they've outlived their usefulness. If today is any indication, having been more productive than I have been in any recent memory, I've made the right choice.

Whilst he certainly has an independent streak, my lovely man is semi-mobile and definitely needs a lot of help with things (i.e. a carer). He can't go far without having to stop and get his breath back, can't bend without almost passing out, there are a lot of things he just can't do any more, so I do them. Mind you, he will make me coffee, do dishes, help with feeding the birds, etc. Funny how he's rather less physically capable but does far more to help me than any of my exes ever did. Hmm...

I'm sorry to hear you have never been helped out with something as thoughtful as a meal. As Croix said, I would absolutely do such a thing for you, given the opportunity. Food is such a necessary thing, and can be hard work to deal with when you're already struggling. I have developed a new tradition of giving home-made meals or desserts as birthday/Christmas gifts - so far, it has been very well received. You deserve such a gift.

A combination of education and experience is best, methinks. As you say, there is always more to learn. As for self-discovery, of course it's a life-long journey. As you go, you are constantly changing, so the journey just doesn't end.

Still bloody cold, definitely Winter, but I saw a cherry tree in flower. Earlier than usual, quite a treat, it's ready for Spring, too.

Cheers for the coffee. Sending a hot water bottle, it's the sort of weather for burying oneself beneath a pile of them.

(*waves to Croix*) You must save a mint, not being a coffee snob, Croix. Probably for the best!

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hm, a mint does not seem that much of a saving,

Croix ("It's only wafer thin.")

I did chuckle at that. That particular line often gets bandied about at meal times among my peers. 🙂

Blue, wave to Croix.

Its certainly been cold here this week. One day our max was 9, so it lingered throughout the whole day. ☃️☃️❄️❄️

You might be in the middle of a work stretch, so sending some soup, and hotty. Every little bit helps.

Its been a long tough road these last months Blue. I understand the AD helpful/not helpful catch. Hopefully, reducing helps. It’s walking that fine line.

At least you have your LM to come home to now, and of course, those birdie kids. It’s a nice feeling, knowing you are all together.

I’ve had a curveball to work through. Life is never simple, that’s one thing we know for sure.

If only we knew when to duck, rather than get ploughed down. Oh well, life goes on.

I’m not at all a happy camper at the moment Blue, so I’ll leave a coffee, and get back under my doona with my LC.

Take care of yourself, and your little family. 💙💙💙

Hey Wilma. Cold here too, but thankfully not quite that cold. 13 was the worst daytime temperature so far, that's enough for my liking. Really should get myself some thermal undies!

Yes, work stretch now, and I'm very tired. You bet soup and a hotty are helpful, thanks Wilma.

Definitely walking a fine line with the ADs, but I can't function being that bloody exhausted all the time. I'm mostly okay on the smaller dose, though I've had another round of stupid crap happening just now and it isn't easy holding it together. Medical system failing me (can't get one of my meds, don't have time to go to the doctor to get a script for something similar), water was off in my street for most of today so couldn't do any of the jobs I needed to, TV is on the fritz, had my garage key break off in the lock and it cost a mint to sort that out. Never mind all the leaky taps, mould problems, broken door handles, etc., etc. Sick of little things piling up that I can't fix without help, as help if it ever comes, is always a long wait in coming and/or bloody expensive. I'm tired Wilma. So, so tired.

Yes, glad to have my little family to come home to. They're all I have to look forward to at the moment.

Sorry to hear that. No pressure, but if you want to talk about it, I'm listening.

I think sometimes even when we know to duck, life takes that into account and aims lower. What a jerk.

Sending you a hot chocolate, sounds like comfort food/beverage is in order at your end. Take care, Wilma. Kind thoughts to you.

Blue, the saying “ it never rains, but it pours “ is a very sound saying, in my experience, and by the sound of your post, in your experience also. All those little irritations build, and become very annoying. The med one sucks big time.

Yes, the cost of getting jobs done around home , is beyond most pockets these day. Gone are the odd job days, when labour was affordable, maybe even taken for granted.

I’m licking a few wounds Blue. I ventured back to church, hoping to find acceptance. Nothing there has changed, just me. It’s too raw to talk much about, too heartbreaking. But it is what it is. Best left alone now. Stigma is alive and well, in places it never should have been.

I’m sitting with the sun streaming through my window. A white frosty morning, but beautiful days that follow. Not complaining about the small things Blue.

I hope work is manageable, mostly, I wish things were different for both of us. But wishing never changes a things, just fills in a few blank moments during the day. Not that you have many , or any ,blank moments Blue.

My LC is sleeping peacefully beside me. I am lucky. 🐶🐶

Best wishes to your LM, pats for the kids, hug for you Blue, only online. 😂😂😂

It usually pours with me, Wilma. Frankly, I'm more than a little over it. Yeah, the thing with the meds really does suck. It took me weeks to make myself go to the doctor for that script, only for it to be no good to me. Probably take me weeks again to make another attempt, it's just too damn hard.

Yup, it's all incredibly expensive these days. Hoping my partner's dad can fix a few things, he's pretty handy, but his availability is the hard part.

Ah. Unfortunately if there's anywhere old-fashioned (moreover, necessarily outdated) ideology holds fast, churches are it. I'm sorry to hear you had that experience, Wilma.

We've had some sunny days and frosty mornings here, too. Back to defrosting my car windows before work. At least it warms up by the time I have to take out the customers' shopping.

It was a difficult day today at work. My lovely man had a bad night with his health. He's okay now, but ol' Blue got very little sleep and of course have been stressed and concerned about him, so the old depression has been kicking the crap out of me - hard to function when it's like this.

I'm glad you have your loyal companion, and that I have my little family. Times like these, we need them more than ever.

Thanks, Wilma. Virtual hug back to you, and pats for your furry friend.