I am unwell, will I ever get better and a mistake made has triggered a daily rumination

[Fadinghope]

I am 52 and I have been unwell for the past 10 years. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, ADHD but essentially I believe it is a form of perimenopausal extreme anxiety (intrusive thoughts). This results in a daily visceral sensation of complete fear. For the past 10 years.  I am a single mother with 2 teenage daughters. I have tried multiple therapies and medications. I've have just discovered I have a life long endocrine condition which is associated with severe MH and severe physical health issues. Most people with this condition are sub employed (sorry horrible term, but its effective in describing it). I am now on daily injections (just started) . Over the past 10 years I have left an abusive marriage, experienced post separation abuse. All whilst running a successful business helping others. This work was a distraction and was the only time I felt free-ish from the symptoms. I used to value this work. 

This past year I discovered an administrative error in my business. I had missed a renewal (and a third entity had also missed it) which resulted in me needing to take steps to address the issue. This was not a reflection of my direct work with people. Just the admin side. I was already unwell and exhausted when this discovery was made. So I became even more unwell in that period. This whole experience has completely obliterated any sense of self I was desperately holding onto. It has also triggered a remembrance of mistakes Ive made with people in the past - there are two - where I let people down in a friendship for example. I can not shake the intrusive thoughts and rumination. And the associated sense fear and terror. It's quite extreme and not rational. 

I appreciate that many would say "gosh you were going through so much, of course you missed the renewal, especially with the ADHD, trauma and now we know the illness was there as well (this illness impacts my energy and cognitive function such as memory) " however for some reason this kinder approach simply doesn't penetrate my consciousness. Also people, have said "You are so honest, many would find that error and not do anything about it" Not me. I am honest and it was imperative that I addressed it. I could not stand t not address it. My intrusive thoughts include; 

1. Have I missed something that will come at me from left of field again. (I had NO IDEA this was festering as a problem? I have done my best to put in place greater procedures etc now. But I can't shake the sensation that something else is coming. 

2. I am going to stop working on this field. I have been wanting to do so for many years however I could not as it was my main source of income. I have capacity now to take moment and find another way to earn an income.  I worry though that people will think "Oh she left when she made that bad error." - insert feelings of shame. Also am I ever going to be well enough to work again. (I have no choice at this stage) 

3. Will I ever get better? 

4. How do I live with the feelings of guilt and remorse that are disproportionate to what's happened. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for sharing so openly. Living with PTSD, ADHD, anxiety, and a chronic health condition while managing work, parenting, and past trauma would be incredibly challenging for anyone. 

It’s important to acknowledge that what you’re describing, the rumination, fear of missing something, and feelings of guilt that don’t match the situation are often part of how our nervous system responds when it’s been under prolonged stress or trauma. It doesn’t mean you’ve failed or that you can’t recover; it’s your brain trying to stay alert after years of having to protect you.

You’ve already shown huge strength by addressing the mistake honestly and continuing to reflect on how to move forward. It might help to keep working with a psychologist or trauma-informed therapist to explore ways to calm those intrusive thoughts and soften the inner critic. You could also reach out to the Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636 or beyondblue.org.au) if you’d like to talk through how you’re feeling in the moment, they’re available 24/7.

You’ve been through a lot, and yet you continue to show self-awareness and courage. Healing after so many years of carrying fear and guilt takes time, but the progress you’ve already made even just by writing this shows there’s hope for feeling more peace and balance again.

Take gentle care,
Sophie M

[Fadinghope]

Thank you Sophie M for your reply. 

I am thankfully linked in with a psychologist and will be returning for more sessions in the new year. I do need to be more patient with myself and my situation. I do feel that I've lost the past 10 years of my own life, crucial mothering years where I've not been able to feel the joy that was there (which is really a whole other post, so deeply sad).

I have not stopped in that time researching and seeking to understand what was happening to me. I eventually found the work of Prof Jayashri Kulkarni - who specialises in women, hormones and mental health. This was a major breakthrough and I started with HRT soon after which has helped to a degree. The recent discovery of a severe endocrine condition and starting on treatment has given me some hope, but of course the positive benefits can't come quick enough. I feel if I can get my biochemistry right then that will create some space for me to be able to shift my thinking. It's just been such a hard long road and of course I am exhausted. Thank you again for your kind words and post. I hope this begins to shift in the near future. 

[Ranga-1]

Hey, there. It's so easy to beat oneself up over a work error. When you say it was missed by a third party as well, it just shows it was an easy enough mistake to make. You are a HUMAN BEING and mistakes/errors are what makes us human. At the moment, you're more "human" than usual. You're feeling vulnerable.

Anxiety is an absolute torment. Your mind torments you, which is what I think is happening to you at the moment, what with the ruminating and stewing over the situation.

Please remember you are not the first person to make an error at work. I have done this, too. There are very few people who have not made a blunder in their professional lives.

I feel, based upon my own experiences with work-related anxiety, that you WILL get better. This wave of crappy anxiety will pass. Maybe, if you feel it's getting to you, tell it to go away and try an activity that will distract you.

All the best - you're a great person.