Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Croix]

Dear Blue (with the wave to Wilma and her early morning caffeine)~

I don't break in here much as the two of you get along so fine.

I did want to say I have fingers/flippers crossed that precautionary hospital visit by your LM turns out to be just that , a precaution. As one of you said something along the lines of having another makes life (sorry forget which) . I very much find that, and when I lost it found it again, I'm blessed.

What can I say about you dropping a day -simple, you know best.

I looked further at Cosmo D as you had mentioned one of their game tracks, I like Off-peak Soundtrack: Interlope. I like the way it goes from minimal and builds up more 'orchestration'. and the beat at the end reminds me of the start and end of Carl Finlow - Anomaly (The Time Travelers) -however you probably will not like it.

I gentle stroke for the puffballs

Croix

[Wilma1]

Blue, sorry your LM has taken a bad turn, not something you needed now, or ever, but it’s been extra tough for you lately.

I know it’s a precaution, but it’s scary, for both of you.

Deliberately keeping it short Blue. I know time and energy are minimal . I want to let you know I’m sitting with you. Take care of yourself as best you can. Sending 💙💙💙

Croix 👋👋👋👋

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Croix,

No problem, but always happy to have your company when you want to drop in.

Thanks. I imagine we've both said things along those lines at one time or another. We've definitely been blessed to have the special people we have and have had in our lives. My lovely man is out of hospital now. They're not sure what set him off this time even after a barrage of tests, but his breathing was under control and they ran out of things to check for. He is home with me now, and I've taken more time off work to take care of him until he's doing a bit better. Mostly there now, but he was weak as a kitten the first couple of days.

Budget notwithstanding, I am relieved about dropping a day, it was definitely the decision I needed to make. Got bigger priorities than work, frankly.

Glad the Off-peak soundtrack caught your fancy (I have the game that goes with, too). I had a listen to Anomaly. Sounds pleasant enough, the sort of thing I have been known to listen to when chilling out with a drink or two.

Puffballs appreciate the gentle stroke. Mr Feisty is with me now, has been on my shoulder for some while as I have checked and answered messages. He's been much more sociable with me home more, and having his dad here too. This hospital business has been an indirect positive, as it has brought our little family together a lot more. 🙂

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Thanks, Wilma. It has been a pretty rough run lately, admittedly. We're of the opinion a combination of stress, fatigue and a reaction to a minor medical procedure he had on the day put him in hospital, but no conclusive results from the tests that were run. Vague possibility of a virus but not confirmed, no infection. They put him on antibiotics anyway in case. Those have knocked him about somewhat, and after the constant tests, he came home more exhausted than ever. Doing a lot better now, though.

Appreciate you sitting with me, Wilma. Doing my best to take care of both of us (and birds, of course). Some friends of ours (who have been isolating) brought us a heap of food today to help us through. That's been a fantastic help. Delicious, too, they're good cooks.

With covid largely under control here and recent struggles, my lovely man's stay here isn't just for immediate care. In a somewhat haphazard way around everything going on, we're getting him moved in on a permanent basis. Can't begin to say how much that eases the general stress we've been under. Finally something positive to report.

[Wilma1]

Finally something positive to report. They were good words to read Blue. Also , knowing your little family are together . I know this is a different kind of tiredness, but positives might start accumulating now, I certainly hope so.

Birdies enjoying more time with you both has to be a warm feeling.

Hopefully your LM will slowly recover.

That was thoughtful of your friends to drop off some good tasting food. It relieves a little pressure in these early days.

Stay warm and safe. Take care of each other. 💙💜💞☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️☕️

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Definitely good having the little family together. Have certainly been feeling better about life in general with this change.

It is. They have both seemed a lot happier, especially Mr Feisty. I'm glad my partner will be here to play with them while I am at work, I will worry a lot less about them now.

He is doing a lot better already. Not quite back to normal, but close. It's a relief.

They spent all day cooking for us. Certainly never had friends of my own that did things like that, only the ones I have met through my partner. Seems he attracts a different kind of person, or they just respond differently to his health situation.

You too, Wilma. Hope your loyal companion is snuggling up and keeping your lap nice and warm. Sending a hot plunger coffee.

[Wilma1]

You are sounding a lot better yourself Blue. Looks like the two of you are on the mend.

I hope this change is long lasting, you have needed a break for a while, from the curveball life throws. Strange how life can happen sometimes.

I think you are right about people responding differently to your partners health issues. I read recently that mental illness is the ‘ no casserole ‘ illness. Very much misunderstood in some circles. All we can do is try and educate those willing to listen, and reach where we can.

Yes, birdies are in for some serious lovin stuff 24/7. I can imagine the weight lifted there. I rarely leave my girl, but when I do, I worry. It’s only natural, we love them.

I had a specialist appointment by phone yesterday, so pain management might be looked at as soon as the virus risks are over. It would be nice to be rid of a few, that’s for sure.

Thinking of you on these cold mornings Blue. Once the warmer weather starts, another positive for you. Hopefully, by the years end, it might turn out to be a good one. I hope so.

Thanks for the plunger coffee, I still haven’t bought one, it’s on my list though. I just need to remember. 🤔🤔

Take care of each other. 💙💙💙💙

[Croix]

Dear Blue -and Wilma who deserves more than just a wave~

You said

"we're getting him moved in on a permanent basis."

That is magic. Even if the person (and here I think I'm talking about me mostly) takes trouble and extra all sorts of things, to accomplish this makes so much difference.

Just to have them around , the chance remark, companionship, love.

It sure beats the daily after work trip to the hospital and the night phone call I needed to use for that horrible 9 months (though even that was well worth it for both of us).

I'm so pleased for you (and your LM of course)

Wilma, the plungers are good, though I have to admit I'm willing to drink anything labeled coffee -even Caterers Blend:)

Croix

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Admittedly I am feeling somewhat better, Wilma. Not perfect by any stretch, but better. We're getting there. Have just done the long stretch at work - even with a day cut out of it I find it pretty exhausting, hence belated reply.

Interesting phrase that, "no casserole illness". I think you're right - though I think even with education those who haven't been there will never really understand. Closest I came to help with food was asking my sister - she was cooking up one meal a fortnight, ingredients payed for and delivered by me, of course. Then her daughter moved in and even that stopped. Sigh.

Yes, much less worry for my puffballs. I can also crawl straight into bed after work if I need to, knowing someone is there to change their food and I don't have to do that before I can rest. Another stress lifted. Honestly, I'm glad you don't have to be away from your loyal companion much. Better to be together.

Glad to hear you had a specialist appointment. Very much hoping you can get some pain management happening sooner rather than later.

Yes, the mornings are pretty chilly still. Not too severely, haven't had to defrost my car window for a while, thankfully. First month of Winter is over, and now I have seen a few wattle trees beginning to flower. In a few weeks there should be almond trees flowering, that's when I start to relax a little with the idea there is less of Winter ahead than behind.

Plungers are cheap, but the coffee for them isn't - it's one little luxury I allow myself. No rush to run out and get one.

Kind thoughts to you and your loyal companion, Wilma. Puffballs send a song (Sir Pecks is singing his little heart out).

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey there Croix,

Thanks, I think it's magic, too. 🙂 It is wonderful to have him home, and puffballs clearly think so too. Sir Pecks has been stuck to him like glue, it's pretty adorable.

The hospital trips, however briefly they were necessary, were horrible. I wish you hadn't had to go through that, but as you say, it is worth it for those we love.

I'm glad you can cope with low quality coffee, Croix - ol' Blue has turned coffee snob, I just can't drink coffee that isn't very good quality, these days. It isn't cheap!

Hope you and the Menagerie fare well.

Blue.