I feel like my depression will never get better

[crumbly_rain]

I've been struggling with anxiety and depression for years now and it never seems to get better. 

everytime I start new meds I feel better for like a week and then it's back to it. I know that's how meds work but it's still frustrating to get a taste of what my life could be like. 

I've done therapy and counselling and all that but I can never make myself believe I'll get better, which is probably why they don't work. 

I think about suicide all the time but I feel like my depression isn't bad enough to make me actually do it. I sometimes wish my life would get worse so I could finally get it over with.

even when my depression isn't as bad as usual I still feel like I'm just pushing back my inevitable suicide. like no matter what I do it'll eventually happen and I'm just prolonging it. 

because I feel like I'll never get better, I spend all my time hoping I'll just die. even if I do get better, I'll probably never be "normal" so it's hard to even care.

I've heard of being passively suicidal but I feel like this might be more than that idk tho. 

[Hayden]

Hey mate. I really sorry to read your struggle. Each of us are different, but your story resonates a lot with mine. Anxiety and depression for countless years. I more often than not think I’m over the worse, yet I just push it down and away until it blows up again. I don’t have the words to change your life. Most of this mental health stuff is a long road that we take. You and I are still here for some reason.

[Retronoodles]

Hi, I wanted to reach out, because I know I don't have the answers but I do know some things that help.

I had CTSD which led to a lot of severe depression , where I didn't want to face the world. Life felt clouded and hopeless

I find that the things that have helped me were that I began to make plans for the future, but started NOW. I researched clubs where I'd get out and meet people, which is because I found the instant I'm talking to anyone, personally the depression 'fog' lifted so much for me.

The more I could find local meetups where I would get out a few days a week, my mental health improved. I know that there's an allure to imagining you could just be free from it all, but just know you're not alone in this journey. Sorry for rambling, I suffer a lot still myself, so I don't know what I'm saying.

[sbella02]

Hey Crumbly_rain,

Thank you for posting here, and we warmly welcome you to the forums. I like your username.

I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling. That "coasting", or just surviving without feeling like you're thriving, must be an awful feeling to live with, day in and day out. 

Firstly, you've likely heard of Lifeline (you can give them a call on 13 11 14) but they're really good when you're feeling particularly low. Our Beyond Blue 24/7 chat feature is a useful resource to have on hand for those moments too. 

You mentioned that you've tried therapy and counselling before, may I ask what kind, or what interventions you've tried? Was it something specific, or talk therapy, or trauma therapy perhaps?

Without knowing anything else about your story, it sounds to me like you might've had something happen in your life that's still giving you some trouble, whether that's something from your childhood or something that's happened in your adult life. Trauma therapy, if you haven't tried it, could be good to look into, if you'd be willing to dive back into therapy/counselling.

I would also like to ask, why is it that you feel you cannot get better? Is this a thought of "I will never get better", or has somebody told you this, or has it just been how long the feeling has lasted for that has caused you to lose hope? This may also help give insight into what might be keeping you in that cycle of feeling terrible.

Please feel free to keep chatting with us some more, I'd love to offer more specific support if I can.

Take care, SB

[Psychdiaries2]

Hi there,

I’m so sorry to hear what you are battling today. I understand it can be really difficult to think positively sometimes when the struggle is so heavy. I relate to that. It is hard to imagine feeling happy when you are used to feeling sadness all the time. It’s like when it’s a cold day, you can’t imagine it being hot again, but it always does eventually.  I feel like depression can be like that. 

Something that has helped me through similar feelings in the past is gratitude. It really grounds you and helps you to find things in your everyday life to feel grateful for. It can be anything. I would recommend pausing a few times in your day and practicing this if you like. There’s a lot that we have to be grateful for. 

I hope this helps. Take care of yourself today ❤️