Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Blue(s),

I just wanted to let you know I will reply properly to you later as I’ve run out of capacity to do so other than superficially at the moment. I’m dealing with a very stressful situation. But I will get back to you when I feel like I can reply better.

Hugs and kind thoughts to you (and pats to Fugl if Fugl likes them)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER+,

No problem, and no rush. I hope the stress you're under presently resolves sooner rather than later. Take care of yourself.

Kind thoughts and hugs (Fugl is quite partial to head scritches!),

Blue(s).

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue(s),

Getting to know a different breed of bird would be quite a journey in itself. Fugl is so lucky to have you and hubby and I can hear how much you cherish their presence, which is beautiful.

I saw my new GP for the second time a few days ago and she is so lovely. She really gets trauma and mental health issues and has training in that area. I totally know what you mean though about trying to find the right one. I've had many really bad experiences unfortunately. Yes, you are right, the asking about a preferred name could be for a variety of reasons. In this case it was not the intake form that asked it, but the doctor after she had seen the intake form. I imagine even people coming from DV backgrounds may have a preferred name as a kind of self-protection. There are many reasons people may want that.

Yes, parts emerge when the system organically decides for it to happen. I have a new "little" in my system who popped up a couple of days ago. I was mapping another part, or rather he was answering a mapping questionnaire our psychologist gave us. It was really fruitful to answer as he and I learned so much from his answers. But then it opened up other questions that ended up exposing him to very early trauma he had been compartmentalised from. He and I went into a somatic flashback episode then that was really intense. In the midst of that I realised this part, who is an adult in the system, has been there since a very small child as well. During this processing a little version of him emerged who I clearly recognise now and remember him being in the body from ages 2-5. The reason I can remember him so early is I remember being him just after my brother was born. Anyway, we are looking after this little one now and giving him lots of love. M wanting you to eat junk food is a pretty common thing people with DID talk bout with their teens. Interestingly I only have one teenager at present. Another one sort of appeared and disappeared, but I don't know if she'll come back or be an ongoing presence. She's a bit of a metal head who plays guitar. I recognise where she comes from within me actually. I played electric guitar from age 15.

With the takeover, that one is my primary teenager. He evolved in the system quite early and I know he was there by the age of 5. His job is to completely take over to take away the pain of severely distressing and depressing circumstances that we endured in childhood. That's why he takes over so completely and with amnesia - to kill the pain. So I've had talks with him, including about his impulsive decision making as well, but it only has minimal effect so far because it's part of our survival response for him to take over so intensely. So it's a work in progress.

I understand what you are saying about masking etc. I put that in a different category to the sort of lies I've been dealing with in the situation I've been in. Masking is a very understandable survival response, usually starting very early in life and even affecting neurodevelopment. I know it did with me. But what I have learned about myself is that although I can mask, I can't lie about data or information in the world, especially where ethical issues are concerned. This may be the sense of injustice you are talking about. I'm in a situation where everyone else around me was prepared to lie even though it was unethical and illegal. As the only person to speak up and do the right thing, I have been given a pretty nasty time. But I could never have done it any other way. Once I discovered the issue which involved lies being told to an insurance broker and two different laws being broken, I had to be completely direct and open about it. As a result of that, I have made my own life harder in some ways. It may even affect my property value and the capacity to sell it in the future (it affects this whole strata property). But I knew I had to do the right thing. I'm very literal in this way and I also can't do anything that is against the safety and well being of others, and failure to act in this situation would have been amoral and unethical in that regard. I'm still glad I am this way as I honestly think it's better and easier in the long run in life to be transparent and honest. I have had other people ask me to lie for them before too and I can't do it. So I guess I am identifying that I go against the grain and have wondered if that is in part an autistic thing, or just a core trait.

I just wrote a lot again! Anyway, I hope you, hubby and Fugl are all going well. Take care and hugs and kind thoughts to you all,

ER+