Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Blue(s),

I just wanted to let you know I will reply properly to you later as I’ve run out of capacity to do so other than superficially at the moment. I’m dealing with a very stressful situation. But I will get back to you when I feel like I can reply better.

Hugs and kind thoughts to you (and pats to Fugl if Fugl likes them)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER+,

No problem, and no rush. I hope the stress you're under presently resolves sooner rather than later. Take care of yourself.

Kind thoughts and hugs (Fugl is quite partial to head scritches!),

Blue(s).

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue(s),

Getting to know a different breed of bird would be quite a journey in itself. Fugl is so lucky to have you and hubby and I can hear how much you cherish their presence, which is beautiful.

I saw my new GP for the second time a few days ago and she is so lovely. She really gets trauma and mental health issues and has training in that area. I totally know what you mean though about trying to find the right one. I've had many really bad experiences unfortunately. Yes, you are right, the asking about a preferred name could be for a variety of reasons. In this case it was not the intake form that asked it, but the doctor after she had seen the intake form. I imagine even people coming from DV backgrounds may have a preferred name as a kind of self-protection. There are many reasons people may want that.

Yes, parts emerge when the system organically decides for it to happen. I have a new "little" in my system who popped up a couple of days ago. I was mapping another part, or rather he was answering a mapping questionnaire our psychologist gave us. It was really fruitful to answer as he and I learned so much from his answers. But then it opened up other questions that ended up exposing him to very early trauma he had been compartmentalised from. He and I went into a somatic flashback episode then that was really intense. In the midst of that I realised this part, who is an adult in the system, has been there since a very small child as well. During this processing a little version of him emerged who I clearly recognise now and remember him being in the body from ages 2-5. The reason I can remember him so early is I remember being him just after my brother was born. Anyway, we are looking after this little one now and giving him lots of love. M wanting you to eat junk food is a pretty common thing people with DID talk bout with their teens. Interestingly I only have one teenager at present. Another one sort of appeared and disappeared, but I don't know if she'll come back or be an ongoing presence. She's a bit of a metal head who plays guitar. I recognise where she comes from within me actually. I played electric guitar from age 15.

With the takeover, that one is my primary teenager. He evolved in the system quite early and I know he was there by the age of 5. His job is to completely take over to take away the pain of severely distressing and depressing circumstances that we endured in childhood. That's why he takes over so completely and with amnesia - to kill the pain. So I've had talks with him, including about his impulsive decision making as well, but it only has minimal effect so far because it's part of our survival response for him to take over so intensely. So it's a work in progress.

I understand what you are saying about masking etc. I put that in a different category to the sort of lies I've been dealing with in the situation I've been in. Masking is a very understandable survival response, usually starting very early in life and even affecting neurodevelopment. I know it did with me. But what I have learned about myself is that although I can mask, I can't lie about data or information in the world, especially where ethical issues are concerned. This may be the sense of injustice you are talking about. I'm in a situation where everyone else around me was prepared to lie even though it was unethical and illegal. As the only person to speak up and do the right thing, I have been given a pretty nasty time. But I could never have done it any other way. Once I discovered the issue which involved lies being told to an insurance broker and two different laws being broken, I had to be completely direct and open about it. As a result of that, I have made my own life harder in some ways. It may even affect my property value and the capacity to sell it in the future (it affects this whole strata property). But I knew I had to do the right thing. I'm very literal in this way and I also can't do anything that is against the safety and well being of others, and failure to act in this situation would have been amoral and unethical in that regard. I'm still glad I am this way as I honestly think it's better and easier in the long run in life to be transparent and honest. I have had other people ask me to lie for them before too and I can't do it. So I guess I am identifying that I go against the grain and have wondered if that is in part an autistic thing, or just a core trait.

I just wrote a lot again! Anyway, I hope you, hubby and Fugl are all going well. Take care and hugs and kind thoughts to you all,

ER+

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER+,

It's definitely a learning curve. Fugl (whom we now know is a girl) is a parrot, which her brothers weren't. We certainly do love and cherish her, she makes the world brighter for us.

I'm glad to hear the new GP is good. Unfortunately I don't know anyone who hasn't had a wealth of bad experiences with GPs in general. It's unusual to be asked that by the doctor rather than the intake form. Whatever the reason, I can imagine it being reassuring.

I guess that makes a certain sense. Sounds like this mapping is really bringing up a lot of repressed memories and things to work through with your system. I hope the new little who has emerged is doing okay and responding to the safety and love you're all giving him. Can't say I'm surprised about the teens wanting junk food. Interesting experience for me, I'm not generally big on junk food these days and haven't been for quite a few years. The bigger part of it with M is processing that complete breakdown of stability and whatever was left of trust in our caregivers during that period of time, and the sense of watching the train wreck happen from the inside without being able to do anything to stop it. It was all so messed up. Who knows if your other teen will appear again? Could do, in the ongoing process of mapping. Didn't know you played electric guitar, that's pretty cool (from a metalhead who can't play an instrument).

Ah, okay, it makes sense in that context. I guess with him taking over you can't really guide him toward active work on healing and integrating when he's forward. Sounds like a tricky thing to work through.

Yeah, they are in different categories, though I guess I brought it up because to some extent active lying comes into that. For instance citing my ongoing physical health issues to get time off work rather than trying to get a medical certificate for mental health reasons which were more pressing but less likely to be taken seriously, and honesty in that instance would have likely resulted in harm for me. That's where it gets hazy. I hear you about the strata situation, and I'm certain many autistic people would take the stance you have, even against the grain and with likely negative consequences to yourself. From what you've said, your actions sound reasonable enough to me. A matter of following your conscience regardless of social/financial repercussions, which definitely fits autistic patterns regarding injustice. I guess I baulked at the phrase “categorical honesty” because I've come across a few too many people who describe themselves with words like that who mistake their opinions for facts (i.e. my brother's stance against trans people) and defend them as categorical truth and as though any form of disagreement is an injustice and morally wrong (not saying that's what you're doing). So yeah, I get what you're saying specifically about your situation, and I agree that in most instances transparency is the better option. More broadly, honesty and justice in relation to how it is employed look a lot greyer to me. In that, I think I am atypical among autistic people.

All good. Wish I could say all was well at my end, we've had a hell of a time recently. We both got sick. As we got better I sprained my ankle. As my ankle came good, we had a plumbing disaster that has deprived us of hot water. Day before the plumber was due, hubby got sick again and wound up in hospital for about a week. Recovered a bit from that, rebooked plumber, jerk didn't show. Now about 3 weeks later with no hot water. And all through it I was fighting with old trauma coming up around finding out Fugl is a girl (that's complicated, word limit is too short). I am very, very fed up and exhausted.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue(s)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Another stint in hospital for hubby. Just about have whiplash from how quick it happened again. We were barely recovered from last time. Sigh.