Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

I think you're probably right. The ways in which autism and ADHD wire us differently make us very attuned to danger before most of the rest of the population can sense it. I think evolution cast us as the ones to watch over and protect the tribe while others were handling the day-to-day maintenance (which is also very important, but not everyone is suited to or should be doing it). Not just re sensory awareness but I believe also in what presents as impulsivity in modern society - the readiness to act when there is a threat (which can turn maladaptive without nature to attune to or the threat clearly defined). Even the resistance to social norms falls into that category for me, as it protects against harmful institutions and leads us to be initiators of needed change. You make an interesting point about the recording of sound, it probably has changed the human relationship to sounds around us. I can't say I'm surprised about your experience with neurodivergent kids in outside environments vs classrooms. My personal experience aligns with that, I am a different animal in nature than in manmade settings. It has me thinking that we (NDs) are highly attuned to nature and much of our suffering comes from society's severing of much of that connection. I would say NTs also suffer but have lower attunement to the environment and therefore higher tolerance for separation from it. Ultimately, it's not healthy for any of us.

Yeah, it's a lot to adjust to, how could it not be draining? I think also because it recontextualises the past, things that were never quite right about the relationship, and surrounding factors that fed into those things being tolerated. In this instance - and it was the same with my brother - the main factors were a) a complete lack of mirroring (ignoring meaningful things I said, to talk about himself) and misogyny (not overt hate but a certain objectifying of women, casting them in roles he wanted them in rather than seeing them as whole people). I've had a lot to think about, not least about how severely misogynistic both of my parents are, and coming to terms with how hard they tried to shove me into the mould of "girl" (something I wasn't and something they hated), so they... could hate me? I'm finding that my gender identity is a big part of how I came to a state of self-trust and autonomy in the face of their neglect and the undercurrent of hostility, where my siblings did not. It's an interesting revelation.

I agree with you about the somatic processing. As I have become more present in my body this has shown itself - in cycles and rhythms, as is the way of nature. Your DID system sounds very much like trying to pull a family together around a given event, though at least a family that actually cares about each other unlike the family of origin experience we both had. Mixed emotional reactions, but a shared orientation toward the well-being of the whole. I'm glad you are finding that all of your identities are coming to a place of relaxation now that decision has been made. Your insight about all of us having different parts that act similarly but not quite so literally as your many identities seems sound to me, and fits the Internal Family Systems model. I've actually had some interesting experiences recently with inner child work and speaking directly with Little Blue. On one hand I am aware that I am still me and kind of channelling a character like when I write stories when Little Blue is responding to me, but on the other, it's like there's a barrier stripped away and I can access part of myself I can't otherwise when this is happening. It's funny that you're not the first person with DID I have known and been able to relate well to, though it's hardly a common way of being. I definitely have a conscious but fractured sense of self (or at least continuity of self - I know but don't feel that past selves were actually me) given the sheer number of times I've had to start my life over almost from scratch. Maybe it gives me a bridge of understanding that many others don't have.

Thank you. I've had some time to process the change and begin processing the things that have come up around it, and am feeling more settled - though still very tired. Certainly no questions about whether I made the right decision, I am wholly certain of it. I'm glad that your body has offered you the same reassurance when the question comes up for you.

I have wondered sometimes if things feel a bit one-sided for you when my resources are low, so your feedback is encouraging. Thank you! 🙂 Hugs and peace to you,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Yes, there definitely is that sensory awareness and perception of detail that those with autism and ADHD have. I've read a couple of Temple Grandin's books and I remember her saying something about pattern recognition in autism and the value of that in evolutionary terms. I am so into pattern recognition. It comes very naturally to me. But I feel like I've spent more than half a lifetime now trying to figure out how to make that ability useful in terms of a vocation. I think I've tried too hard to fit into structures that weren't right for me and I was always meant to go a less conventional path. The resistance to social norms is something I can also relate to. I find myself questioning everything. I have done it in all my jobs and in school as well. That's so interesting about the impulsivity and I think that really makes sense, knowing how to act quickly when required. I have heard ADHD described as the original hunter gatherer brain, and it makes sense. It may actually be more natural to the human condition as it existed for millennia until we first became sedentary and then industrialised. I am at home when just walking through the bush with my camera. I'm sort of hunting, but for photographic subjects rather than dinner. I love seeing birds and wildlife and I also can spend hours in a just a few square metres with a macro lens, finding tiny spiders on orchids, interesting fungi, iridescent moss, etc. I really think you are correct, that NTs also suffer from nature separation but are less attuned and so they tolerate the separation better. When I first really saw quite drastic impacts of climate change in the Perth hills more than a decade ago, I was literally devastated. I saw vast numbers of dead and dying plants, especially in 2014. The trees made the strangest sound in the wind because their leaves were dead. I went there later with a friend who was like, "It's just a bit dry". Having known the area since I was a small child I knew it was so much more than that, and a catastrophic forest collapse was reported shortly after that. I literally feel the environment, including the lack of oxygen from a dying habitat and plants not being able to photosynthesise. I've developed strong awareness now of what is actually happening and reached a point of radical acceptance that things are massively changing, whereas I think many NTs are in for more of a future shock as many still just see the environment the same as they always have and don't see much difference. The environment will live on in some form, but the habitats and ecosystems are changing to drier ones and it greatly impacts many species.

Both the lack of mirroring and the misogyny you describe are really painful things. Everyone needs to be understood as a whole person, not a role determined by a label. It would have been so incredibly difficult for you having your gender identity not respected and undermined. As you say, what it did give you was that self-trust and autonomy, and it shows you had a lot of inner strength to develop those attributes in the circumstances. I was speaking to my psychologist this morning about how my brother was treated as competent and intelligent. He would be consulted and engaged in tasks, like chief navigator for a family holiday, and frequently praised. I was invisible, like I didn't exist. If I evaporated into thin air, I honestly think they wouldn't have noticed for a very long time. I didn't fit into something they could feel proud of. Even my brother acted like I was an embarrassment because I was outside some kind of norm. I felt deep humiliation and invisibility from an early age. My mother in particular would enthusiastically tell others of his achievements, but if they asked about me, she'd just say, "she's alright". With my severe dissociation as well I felt like a freak and that I belonged nowhere. Thank goodness for the gradual emergence of more inclusive spaces these days.

To be continued as over word count...

[Eagle Ray]

With the DID it's very much like a family that is oriented towards healing. As the system has come into consciousness, it has amazed me how parts have naturally worked together to solve things like crises arising from trauma flashbacks and support one another. IFS is definitely helpful and interesting. It does require modification for DID because it was designed for secondary structural dissociation (core self with parts) rather than tertiary structural dissociation (multiples selves and often no core self). Some people with DID find it too restrictive as the model is a bit too prescriptive for the incredible complexity and nuances of DID, and I find that a bit myself. But it's still useful. That's interesting about how writing stories puts you in a certain kind of contact with Little Blue. I think creativity opens up a kind of bridge of consciousness between parts. The fracturing you describe, and the fact your identity was not accepted when young, I think would help you to connect more with the DID experience. Creativity is wonderful for exploring and supporting the part of you that was previously neglected by others. I'd love to hear more about how you have supported Little Blue that way, but only if you want to share.

I'm really glad you feel clear about your decision. But, yes, it's a tiring process getting there. No I haven't felt things are one-sided, especially as this is your thread. When your resources are low I completely get it. I know autistic burnout is at a whole other level and involves a profound level of sensitivity and a need to shutdown and withdraw at times. If anything I've worried I've rabbited on too much about myself on your thread, so I hope my rabbiting has been ok. I guess I have felt like you are on a similar path of neurodiversity and you also show a lot of insight and understanding. I know that DID now is being thought of as a form of neurodiversity, at least by the DID community themselves. I think it will eventually be de-pathologised, because it's actually very adaptive and logical. It happens so early in neurodevelopment that it's similar to autism in a way, as the brain's structure is fundamentally different to NT brains. Current neuroimaging studies are actually showing that. So at least we have interesting brains Blue 🙂

Take care and peace and hugs to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Yeah, pattern recognition is part of it, and very much a part of my make-up, too. It's a wildly undervalued skill in a lot of vocations, as management are big on following established rules even when those rules are no longer contextually appropriate vs when they were first implemented. My own mind is highly specialised to making or revising systems using said pattern recognition. Though it was certainly under-appreciated in the workplace, that particular skillset has been invaluable in my personal life, in terms of managing things like finances, decluttering, working around disability-related challenges, etc. Of course questioning everything feeds into that as well.

I think there are many things about the human mind/experience that have in no way caught up with how technology has changed the world. Evolution is slow, industrialisation has been rapid, so there is a profound mismatch between what we are and the environment we find ourselves in. Interesting framing, thinking of photography as hunting for subjects to photograph, though I do find it relatable. I'm the same out in nature, taking in the macro details and watching for birds and bugs. I hear you about your experience of the environmental changes around Perth, of course with your sensory profile and pattern recognition it would be obvious to you that something was very wrong. You're probably right about the future shock NTs will have, they seem so oblivious to what is clear as day to us.

Yeah, they are. But the extremity of both really did leave me relying on my own compass, as there was no real feedback to point me anywhere in most matters, and what I got about gender was so wildly mismatched with my internal experience I concluded my own compass was the best measure for that too. Ugh, I'm sorry you experienced that, it was similar with my brother too, the only boy and the only one to get any kind of positive feedback at all (infrequent though it was). I think my sister felt much as you did, and it has harmed her deeply. Me, I was more invisible still as a general rule, and the gendered stuff was a clear pattern to me that I didn't take as having anything to do with who I was.

I can understand how IFS doesn't quite suit people with DID, the system looks different for you. Something you can pull the useful bits out of, and leave or adapt the rest. I'll have to clarify what I meant about communicating with Little Blue. I don't write stories to speak with them, rather the contact itself feels akin to the way I experience a character when I am writing or even practicing a voice for one of my D&D characters. I tend to inhabit a character when I write/voice them, look at the world through their eyes and their experiences; I imagine it's not unlike how actors embody their characters for movies or stage or whatever. That's how I feel Little Blue when they have something to say. Sometimes we write letters to each other for specific conversations, other times Little Blue appears spontaneously to experience something ordinary that I had lost the sense of wonder for (like eating a strawberry), or to ask me to do something fun like play Uno or take off my shoes in the forest. It's an evolving relationship that only really started to happen in recent months.

Thanks. Yes, very. That's good to know. Yeah, it's something only another autistic person can really understand I think, so deeply debilitating. Don't worry, I've found it pretty enlightening learning about your experiences, too - and they're hardly unrelated to mine, as we've discussed. My only request around that is for a little more editing for brevity please, as large bodies of text are pretty overwhelming. Yes I do think we're on a similar path exploring our neurodivergence and trauma, learning and healing at a comparable rate. That makes sense, given a number of mental health outcomes related to developmental trauma are considered neurodivergent now; neural pathways adapt and change, DID is no exception. Though, quick fact check -  do you mean neurodivergent when you say neurodiverse, or does your system of identities actually contain different neurotypes like a physical group of people would? Generally speaking, an individual will be either NT or ND, and I'm genuinely curious about how this looks across multiple identities. Yes, certainly interesting brains!

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

Having that ability to revise systems based on pattern recognition is great and one of those attributes many autistic people bring to the workplace and other settings.

I understand more now about Little Blue. That’s really lovely you have that connection with her. What you describe is not that different from my experience with my 9 and 14 year old alters. They will appear to remind me of things from their perspective too. They got me/us to go on a great seaside walk while in Melbourne. The difference would be that they can take over the body and run it, either without me knowing or with me pushed out of the body and able to observe from a distance, but unable to control what is happening with them. Sometimes I’m only retaining a tiny bit of consciousness.

Sorry about the large bodies of text. That is B in my system who gets hyper enthusiastic and really wants to communicate and just doesn’t stop writing. I can often sense him out of control but can’t do much about it. I will try to talk to him though. Although I am a system of 18 parts there are about 3 main ones who write here. I don’t sign off as a separate name as it would be too confusing for people I think.

In my system all of my identities are some version of AuDHD, with some weighted much more towards one than the other. Some have particularly extreme levels of sensory sensitivity. Some are more robust against sensory input.

I’m not able to write much as I’ve had an extremely difficult day. I’m still getting the terror and adrenaline surges since the EMDR. It normally only affects me for a while after waking up in recent months but today it has been all day. It brings extreme despair and is very hard to take. There seems to be no end or solution as yet. I’m sitting in a cold wind out by the airstrip near sunset trying to feel something other than terror and despair to feel better.

Just now as I was typing a local I know went past with her two dogs so I got to pat them and that helped a bit.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend Blue and hugs and kind thoughts to you too!

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I'll come back to the rest later, ER, but right now I have to give some brief and concise, honest feedback. I am really upset and hurt that you just misgendered Little Blue, especially on the back of a conversation about how devastating the erasure of my gender identity and overall personhood has been. It's incredibly triggering from someone who knows how triggering that could be. Just, why? I didn't deserve that.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue, I just replied and it went to moderation because I referenced my current mental state. That may not appear.

I am so sorry. I was thinking of my little girl in my system when I read about Little Blue and I just transferred across from that without thinking. I am really sorry. I realise that would have been really hurtful. I just had my own child in my mind at the time who I was imagining being a similar age to Little Blue. My little girl’s name is Charlie actually, so a gender neutral name.

All I can do is say I’m sorry. Today I have really not been ok. I was calling crisis support this morning and I’ve had severe adrenaline surges all day, so my brain is barely working. I think I need to leave the forums for a while. I’m useless. I’m sorry.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

I see you are in a place of crisis and confusion. I can't say I don't have anger to work through, but I accept your apology. Try to remember that mistakes come with the responsibility to acknowledge and repair - which you are doing. They are not markers of self worth. Calling yourself useless is old trauma trying to protect you from the expectation that your efforts at conflict resolution won't be accepted. It may help you to remind yourself that I am a reasonable person who will work with you to restore peace, and if I were not, you are an adult with agency to walk away from people who don't resolve conflict with you. I understand if you still feel the need to take a time out from the forums, but I do want to say that what is happening between us now is a disagreement to resolve, not a suggestion from me to withdraw.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I hope you and Little Blue are going okay. Again, we are really sorry we upset you. T was primarily in the body at the time in emergency mode as we had been enduring severe adrenaline surges through the body all day in association with flashbacks. We came on the forum to try to find some human connection but really shouldn't have and stayed with calling helplines instead. T's worst nightmare is upsetting anyone and he immediately spirals into shame and severe self-recrimination. He was just already in a trauma-activated state and in attempting to connect with you through the experience of our 9 year old Charlie, for whom he is the main protector in the system, he managed to get the pronoun confused. At times we don't even know who is fronting in our system at a given point in time as we can switch rapidly and we are often blended, so it can be very hard for us to even track what is happening in real time, but I can see now it was T interacting with you and he stayed locked in the body for the next few days.

We do understand that using the wrong pronoun is distressing. The nearest we can come to comprehending your experience is that Charlie was not permitted to be her gender identity as a child. This is why T emerged when the body was 5 to be the external actor in the world and a protector for Charlie. He was more acceptable to our mother but Charlie remained underneath. However, due to additional other traumas, Charlie began to be increasingly blocked through dissociation from the age of 9, and that is why she is still that age now in the system. T in the meantime continued to grow into an adult, though one who was never parented. From the beginning Charlie had her hair cut short by our mother and was not allowed to wear clothes that would identify her as a girl. She was repeatedly mistaken as a boy for many years which was experienced as confusion and humiliation. So we can only imagine it must have been incredibly difficult for Little Blue having to live with their identity not being recognised and understood. In a society that often still doesn't recognise non-binary identity, I'm sure it must feel very isolating at times and it's that sense of others making you invisible. We want you to know that we see you for who you are.

Take care and kind thoughts to you,

ER and Team

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER and Team,

I'm glad to hear from you. We are doing okayish. Thank you, I appreciate the acknowledgement. I wouldn't say it was necessarily a bad idea to seek connection online at the time - sometimes it works out how you need and can be a real boost; other times something happens (as is the risk with all human interaction) and you don't have the resources to regulate, so I guess it can be a bit of a gamble. Unfortunately in this instance, all involved were a bit dysregulated already and it turned into a bit of a difficult experience. I understand the process going on with you/T at the time, and through my experience with you all and what you've explained, I do genuinely believe no harm was meant. My (and by extension, Little Blue's) nervous system, however, was in that moment already feeling betrayed and threatened by the friend I'd been telling you about, along with multiple instances of misgendering/disrespect that had occurred recently. There was no tolerance left in that moment, Little Blue was hurting and protecting them was and is very much at the top of my priority list. Ideally I want that to coexist with preserving a healthy relationship with you, and of course allowing for you to protect your inner family as well. I think we're pointing in the right direction for that.

I would have to say that the wrong pronoun was a few magnitudes beyond distressing. It felt like betrayal and erasure, and pulled up every similar experience I've been through in a lifetime (unfortunately that is a lot of experiences, large and small - without exaggerating, probably thousands). Bear in mind, I'm not saying I think that was your intent - it's what I was feeling, and it was very intense. I very much understand the horror of Charlie's experience, and I am deeply sorry she went through that, and that T was so hurt and unparented through trying to protect her. The direct experience was kind of the opposite for me, Mum wanted my hair long and dressed me in frilly skirts and so on. When my parents divorced I took the opportunity of the looser reins at the time to get my hair cut short and wear pants. Being seen as and called a boy was gender euphoria for me, it felt freeing. Not because I was a boy, but because I wasn't a girl, and it made me feel like I had a choice. So I relate to the feeling of being misgendered (in my case as a girl) coming with a great deal of confusion and humiliation. Confusion for me because I didn't know what I was, but I did know what I wasn't. Humiliation in that space being largely because of the misogyny in my family. When people called me a girl, it was a major mismatch between what they said and who I was, and I also felt like they were calling me inferior and weak and contemptible (not what I believe about girls/women, but what was loaded into feminine words by the people around me who were teaching me about the world at that time). Yes it was incredibly difficult not being recognised, and not even having a framework to understand my identity myself (that counts for my neurodivergence as well as my gender). It does feel isolating at times with society being hell-bent on not seeing non-binary identities, though at least now I am an adult and can advocate for and protect myself, and choose who gets to be close to me. That helps. Thank you for saying you see me for who I am, it really does help to see that in black and white. I hope you know I see you too, and all your parts. Including your little girl Charlie, who deserves so much to be seen for who she is and express herself as a girl - and T, who has endured so much to try and keep her safe and has been hurting as we work though this. I hope you are all doing a little better regarding both this conversation, and the things that have been happening for you outside of it.

Hopefully what I've said is coherent and makes sense, my brain feels a bit fried, and this tiny little text window to type in sucks.

Kind thoughts to you and hugs if you'd like them,

Blue.