Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[melodica]

This is one of those days where the weight of everything lands all at once. Progress is visible, the work is real and exhausting. I know this pattern myself.
Depression can sit in the background for weeks, then surge back in a way that makes you doubt your healing.

What you described reflects alot of effort over a long period. Ending a relationship, disentangling finances, reclaiming time and mental space, rediscovering enjoyment, and learning to be with yourself again.
From my own experience, depression does not respond to effort in a linear way.

The loneliness is important to address.  What has helped me is time outside, singing or humming to regulate my body, or simple routines that carry me when motivation disappears. These don’t solve the day, but they can reduce the intensity enough to get through it.

Days like this are part of living with depression. They may feel overwhelming, then they pass. Venting here makes sense.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hi ER and Melodica,

Thanks both of you for checking in on me. I'll have to come back to answering your messages properly, this week has been hell on wheels. Hospital stay for hubby, now a nice little dental emergency for me, all the while with NDIS very persistently poking me about a meeting and a bunch of paperwork I seriously don't have the capacity for right now (they have been told very clearly that won't be happening when they want it to). So for now, damage control and regroup. I'll be back after that.

Kind thoughts to you both,

Blue. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue and wave to melodica,

Blue, I'm sorry to hear about hubby being in hospital again and the dental emergency, plus the challenge of NDIS stuff in the midst of that. I was wondering whether there are any options of help through the NDIS when it comes to situations where maybe you need some support getting to appointments or hubby to hospital? I'm not sure what kind of support is available to you? I know it's so hard with all you are dealing with, with your own challenges plus those hubby is going through. Anyway, don't worry about replying to this right now, but just thinking about what structures might be able to be in place to best support you. It's good you've put a boundary around the paperwork for now and I really hope the dental situation is easily resolved. I went through a dental emergency a month ago and had a tooth extracted but it's all healed up and good now.

Melodica, those are some nice thoughts about managing depression. I like the singing and humming you mention to regulate the body. I know singing can be quite transformative for me, so you've reminded me to do it.

Take care both,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER (waves to Melodica),

Thanks. Tooth is sorted, but cost me as much as a low-tier used car. NDIS' idea of help with that sort of thing would be to maybe give me cheap public transport or a lift, neither of which is in any way better than driving myself and having my car as a space separate from other humans and agency to go where I need to when I need to in privacy. As for appointments, I deal with my own mostly by video call and the best support around hubby's appointments is simply being with him. The useful thing I get from NDIS is access to my psychologist, which is unaffordable otherwise but very necessary. I asked the coordinator to push for a postponement of the meeting the LAC wants, haven't heard from her since. Kinda don't care. Meanwhile, two more dear little pigeons have become victims of the virus I mentioned. Averaging one a week so far this year, it's horrific. I can't look at a pigeon in the yard now without expecting them to be next, it's utterly heartbreaking and nothing I do makes it any better.

Melodica, you're right. There's nothing linear about healing. I work hard at it, I see progress, I get knocked off my feet and I start again. Since our little bird - our son - Mr Feisty, died last year, everything has been harder. Motivation lacking, meaning in life lost, everything I once enjoyed drained of colour. I keep trying to get back up and it isn't going very well this time. It's another bad day with the depression today, one of too many of late. Waiting for it to pass, trying to work out what I can do to help it do so. Not coming up with good answers just yet. May your journey be going better than mine is at present.

Kind thoughts to you both,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I’m glad the tooth is sorted but, yes, the cost involved can be disheartening 😞 I chose to have a molar with a crack in it extracted last month because the cost of saving and fiddling with it over time was going to be so much more, but it doesn’t show when I smile or impede eating etc. Sometimes it’s worth saving a tooth though, it’s just a lot though isn’t it.

I really hear what you are saying Blue about the need to preserve your autonomy in relation to any help from the NDIS. And, yes, the best support for hubby is being with him. I think with any kind of personalised support, you really need someone who gets you and your situation too. I know MmeKitty who used to write here on the forums mentioned how some support workers were much more helpful and attuned to her needs than others. I have spoken about the possibility of NDIS support with my therapist as I’ve had such a struggle with daily functioning, but the chance of getting someone who understands the switching and incredible emotional complexity of what I’m dealing with is likely remote. I think with autism too, it’s very important to have someone really intuitive about and sensitive with the challenges you face in relation to any support you might receive, otherwise it can actually be more stressful than supportive. Like you, I would find support with therapy the most helpful thing as I can only currently afford intermittent support from my psychologist. The recommended therapy for DID is 2 lots of 2 hour sessions per week according to what someone at Blue Knot told me, but that’s impossible! Anyway, I hope that maybe you are getting to speak with your psychologist soon, as everything has been so much to deal with. I am so sorry to hear about two more little pigeons not making it.

I don’t know if this will give you a lift, but I went to the David Byrne concert last might and it was so hopeful and inspiring. He has identified as autistic for some time now but hasn’t sought formal diagnosis. He started to become aware of it years ago when a friend pointed out he met the criteria. He has managed to turn it into an asset in many ways, including his ability to hyperfocus in creating new works in music, art etc. He’s always felt like an observer on the outside of the social realities that other people inhabit, but this has given him a unique perspective on how things are in the world including hopeful and insightful ways to improve things. I feel like you have many useful perspectives too Blue and an intelligence and insight that are great assets to you. I’m sure those attributes help you navigate your way, but I know it’s been so incredibly challenging for a long time with all you are dealing with.

I really hope hubby is doing ok at the moment and that you are ok and can find something peaceful and hopeful in amongst everything else. Sometimes I resort to watching favourite YouTube channels when I’m finding things too much - basically finding things that feel familiar and comforting.

Take good care Blue and thinking of you, ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

A quick one today to say I was thinking of you and I'm okay(ish). The burnout remains heavy, though. It's hard to describe what it feels like at the moment, it's like my brain is just too full. I manage so much, have to plan everything to the nth degree and keep the household running smoothly, make sure no-one runs out of meds and we have ingredients and cooked food, and... well, it's just so much. At the moment it's like my brain is a filing cabinet overflowing with files and papers sticking out everywhere and every little bit of information going in - a new appointment, an ingredient needed, the sound of the air conditioner, everything - is making the filing cabinet bulge in ways it was never meant to, like it's ready to burst. I'm so exhausted, so it's been hard to communicate (because that's managing information, too); even though I want to connect, and want to engage with your last message which is interesting and thoughtful and the sort of conversation my heart wants to have even while my brain is not allowing it. I think this kicked off with a recent emotional overload, one more disappointing interaction with my once best friend. I kinda quietly downgraded him from that status some time ago, but as time goes on there is more and more I can barely tolerate even from a more distant place. It's been a lot.

Anyway, I hope you're doing okay. I think of you often, even though I struggle to talk. Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I am glad you are feeling okay-ish but really understand too about the burnout. It's really not surprising as you are dealing with a lot. And, yes, sensory processing with things like air conditioners can really be a challenge added into the mix. Years ago I read an interesting book called The Tuning of the World about the history of sound. The author mentioned how things like air conditioners, factories, machinery etc have a kind of flatline continuity that just does not occur in nature and that is not natural to the human ear and brain. For most of human history such sounds didn't exist. Then along came the Industrial Revolution and changed everything, so those constant sounds that lack natural fluctuations are all around us now. He queried the effect this has on people over time. And of course for neurodiverse folk with sensory sensitivity, there can be a really exquisite level of sensitivity to such things.

I'm really sorry to hear about your friend. Friendships can certainly change over time. I had a best friend from high school, but then the friendship went through some tumultuous episodes over the years as we clashed a bit on certain values and ways of being. Eventually it all came to an end 8 years ago after 30 years of friendship before that. But sometimes it represents a kind of growth. For me that friendship needed to end because certain things weren't changing and I could only do so much. But it is painful to be in the spot where you are now, where it is now more distant but still sort of hanging on, but not feeling right. So be kind to yourself. I think sometimes as our energy begins to withdraw from one situation, it opens up a bit more of a door and maybe a little more energy in other directions. I know energy is in short supply right now, so I hope you can experience some good human interactions that are those ones that boost you a bit. I have found just one person being kind to me can improve things so much.

I am sort of doing okay. Just went through making a difficult decision and got to the other side. So I feel much better now in relation to that. At times I feel a total mess, at other times I feel some hope and some new directions emerging. I'm learning to ride the rollercoaster.

No worries at all about struggling to talk. Just focus on what you most need. Kind thoughts and hugs to you too,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER, 

Thanks. Yeah, it would be fair to say I've been dealing with an unsustainable load for a very long time. Of course I'm burnt out. Unfortunately the load is very difficult to lighten. Air conditioning and similar man-made sounds really are hell for me, and they've been required a lot, lately. Everything you've said about that book makes sense, the lack of natural rhythms in the sounds is a big factor for me, droning sounds are especially harrowing. I did read some studies at some point that highlighted the health impacts of living in loud urban environments - I don't recall all of them but sleep problems and depression were right up there, unsurprisingly, both of which have a lot of knock-on health implications.

Sorry to hear you went through this too. As in your case, this person has been in my life over 30 years. He got me my first job, among other things that helped me gain independence from my dysfunctional family, so it's dismaying to find myself at this point with him. This is a pattern, though, observable in both your life and mine. As we progress in our healing, we lose tolerance for behaviours and values clashes we once let slide or dissociated from. I gave him the option to grow with me, but it hasn't yielded results - and that's part of the pattern, many people in our lives simply can't join us, either by overt choice or lack of capacity, so it can be healthier for us to move on than stay and resent the mismatch. You're right about the shift in energy, though there's a midpoint where making and implementing the decision to leave the friendship is a huge energy sink that leaves you heavily depleted and forces a certain amount of isolation and recovery before better horizons can be chased. I'm slowly dragging myself out of that place, now.

I'm glad you're on the far side of the difficult decision you had to make. I get how it can be a big relief to have the decision made, but there are still waves of emotional turbulence between the hopeful moments as you process what has happened. I think the roller-coaster is normal.

Thank you for always meeting me where I am, you are a good friend. Kind thoughts and hugs as always, 

Blue. 

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I often feel like the sensory sensitivity that's found in conditions like autism to things in the environment, like the constant unvarying noise of an air conditioner, is actually a kind of warning sign about what is actually unhealthy. It's like some people are picking up on what is not really good for most people, but most people become kind of partially shut off to that sensory stimuli, while the person with autism cannot shut off from it. The author of the above book I mentioned, R. Murray Schafer, referred to the surrounding environment as the soundscape. He was concerned that we have gotten used to continuous noise and therefore not able to truly hear anymore. He also talked about the recording of sound, a relatively recent invention in human history, and how we can now hear the exact same thing played over and over again. In the past that wasn't possible, so there was a kind of specialness to or reverence for sound. I have worked with children with both autism and ADHD in schools, and often once they are outside the classroom and say, doing a lesson in the local bushland by the school, they become a totally different child. They often really settle and all the so called deficits of their condition disappear or become much less. I think it begs the question is sitting in classrooms most of the time even normal or healthy, and perhaps neurodiverse kids can teach us something about that.

I really hear you about that huge energy sink when you realise a friendship is probably coming to an end, but it has meant a lot to you and it hurts emotionally. You are absolutely right that there can be a need for isolation and recovery, to process the experience and recalibrate. I have learned everything is somatic and like an organic process that works through the body, not just mental or psychological. So you don't just sort of make a mental decision to leave a friendship and cognitively reorient. You have to go through the deep feelings in the body as well. That working through the body kind of has its own timescale, but there is an innate intelligence to it and I'm slowly learning myself to work with the more primal processes in my brain and body when working through something like a loss or difficult decision. With my recent decision-making, as a DID system it was interesting as I see the parts in my mind's eye and they all have their own unique responses. One may be showing signs of devastation, another is sort of stunned, another is sternly advising to go in a particular direction, others are not particular invested in the outcome but supportive and kind, etc etc. I think for non-DID folk they are dealing with similar parts of self, just not as separate identities. But I literally see the different parts as different people going through different aspects of the process. I was able to talk things through with them and that helped enormously.

Anyway, I hope you feel a bit better soon about the friendship situation. It is so true what you say about the emotional turbulence between the hopeful moments. It is all part of the process. I have occasional sudden pangs of, "Did I make the right decision?", followed by my body answering with, "Yes, you did" and a sense of relief and release.

You are a kind friend too and also really hear me when I am communicating, which I really appreciate. Much kindness and hugs to you too,

ER

[Eagle Ray]

P.S. I just thought I'd add that all my parts are at peace with the decision we made too. The one who was experiencing devastation was experiencing it initially either way we went. He'd be begging me not to do something (i.e. continue with the study), only to then be extremely upset that I wasn't doing it. But he was just going through that pain of the in between stage. Last night when going to bed I could just see all of them relaxing and they are all ok, which is so important. So internal communication and co-operation is everything and we all worked together to get a result. I have been reflecting how neurodiversity in its various forms really has a lot to offer with different perspectives on ways of being. In the DID community there is a saying that you cannot go faster than the slowest part, which means all parts have to be seen, heard and cared for. I feel like that is a good approach to take into everyday life as well.