Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).

Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.

I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Another quick one, just to check in and say I was thinking of you and I'm okay. The burnout has really knocked the stuffing out of me these last couple of months, so communicating has been really hard. It's a weird feeling when you want to connect with people and just don't have the spoons to do it. Anyway, I'm still here and I still care. Hoping to catch a breather soon and get some energy back.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

No worries whatsoever Blue. I totally understand. Yes, communication is so difficult when the spoons are used up - in fact, basically impossible. It's really good that you are aware of the burnout and you are doing the self-care rather than trying to push through. 

I am doing okay. At times things are pretty difficult, especially navigating dissociative symptoms, worrying about finances and the future, and just generally trying to function. A lot of parts have emerged in my dissociative system since I last communicated with you about it. There are 11 main ones now, or 12 if you include me. It's particularly confusing figuring out who I am now, because technically all of the parts are me yet they are separate identities. My understanding of myself as having certain traits is now very confused, because those traits are now distributed among the parts (and always were, but I just didn't realise it). I have a sort of idea of myself, and I think I still exist as an identity in my own right and the other parts treat me as such. I guess I am sort of like a container for the parts, I think 🤔 The woman I did some counselling with in 2016, who had both autism and DID, described herself as a container for her parts. I knew she had DID back then, but I had no idea whatsoever that it applied to me. I only had three sessions with her before she was diagnosed with the return of her cancer, but perhaps we would have unearthed it if I'd kept working with her. At that time I was focused on trying to figure out the autistic parts of myself. The incidence of DID is higher in the autistic population, which is interesting. Originally I thought I had OSDD but it is looking more like DID now.

Anyway, no need to reply to my ramblings. I do hope that you and hubby can find some restful times amongst the various things you have been doing. Take good care and sending you much warmth and kind hugs,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

I know you understand what it's like. It can be kinda depressing when you want to connect with people in your life but just don't have the energy to manage it. You're right, though, self-care comes first. It's best to take a time out and regroup as needed.

Matters of finance and future are always a bugbear, aren't they? I can relate. Sounds like you're going through a period of significant change in your mental health at the moment, and have a lot to navigate. I'm not surprised you're grappling a bit with understanding your identity, with so many alters emerging. It does seem like DID rather than OSDD at this point, doesn't it? I didn't know DID was more common in autistic people, though I can't say it's surprising, given it's relationship with trauma and how we autistic people experience an awful lot of trauma and for various reasons (a prominent one being a significant lack of social/emotional support), struggle to process it. Take care of yourself while you process all this, it must be very draining.

The appointments have subsided, and we are taking a week to just breathe and rest before the week-end, on which we have a social engagement. There are many birds breeding in our yard at the moment, and we are taking much comfort and joy in the fledglings.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Eagle Ray]

Hey Blue,

I'm glad you and hubby are able to take a week to just breathe with the appointments subsiding. It's sometimes when things subside that we realise how much we've been pushing ourselves to keep going. It's lovely you have many birds breeding in your yard at the moment, and that you are taking much comfort and joy in the fledgelings. It's just lovely to see isn't it. Once again this year the wattlebirds have decided to strip bits of nylon thread off the line on my washing line to use as nesting material. Gradually my washing line is looking more and more threadbare. I've become philosophical about it because my attempts at distraction and protection of the washing line by wrapping up the frayed bits to stop them pecking at it hasn't worked. So instead I think well at least I am helping local birds with nesting material.

I have come to the conclusion in recent days that what I'm dealing with is definitely DID rather than OSDD. The amnesia and switching in my past and present is becoming so much more obvious to me now. I listened to a great podcast with a woman on SANE's People Like You podcast, and her experience of DID mirrored so much of my experience, including drastic changes in handwriting in childhood (e.g. very neat to very messy and back again), having to try to complete a household task a ridiculous number of times because of repeat amnesia and confusion, and suddenly waking up to the fact that at particular times someone else is running your body now (something she can pick up from her dogs by changes in their behaviour because they can recognise when she has switched). Yesterday I realised I had three fronting at once, all young ones. In DID this is called co-fronting. I tend not to realise it is happening until it already has, if that makes sense. Those 3 have higher energy levels than I usually do, and also respond differently to caffeine. That is one of the most fascinating things about DID - different alters actually have different biochemistry and physiology. The whole thing is kind of mind-blowing, and I'm discovering a lot of new things every day at the moment. It is exhausting at times, but I am finding my way through it and it is making sense of my whole life now.

I hope you are really enjoying having a restful week and that you have a lovely social engagement on the weekend. Take good care and kind thoughts and hugs to you, ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Thanks. It's been a bit of a revolving door, some weeks are quiet, others are overloaded. Whenever it's quiet I kind of slump in a heap, I definitely do push myself pretty hard to manage the unavoidable tasks, and there really are too many of those. The birds are wonderful, and with the mild Spring there have been so many babies this year. Oh dear, no luck with duct tape on the washing line? Nylon probably isn't the safest nesting material for them, but sometimes you can't stop wildlife from doing what they're gonna do.

It's certainly sounding like it. I can relate to trying to complete household tasks a bunch of times - that's the ADHD awful memory and distractability for me - but I hear what you're saying, it's a whole different kettle of fish with DID. I remember watching an interview Anthony Padilla did with some people with DID, one of them said he'd gotten into the habit of texting himself with what his destination was when he drove somewhere, so if another alter took over, they'd know where they were going. It must be pretty disorienting and perhaps scary feeling like someone else is piloting the ship, so to speak. I didn't know co-fronting was a thing (or forgot, if I did know), that sounds like something that could become pretty chaotic. Didn't know alters could respond differently to stimuli like caffeine, either. It's a whole lot to deal with for you. I hope all this new knowledge is helping you navigate life with a greater sense of peace and wholeness.

It's been a while, I don't offhand remember what social engagement I had, but I haven't had any bad ones recently, so I guess it was good, haha. It's been a quieter than usual December, my birthday has come and gone, and since they're no longer in my life, this year I didn't have to worry about my brother's, or Mum's baptism anniversary (both within a couple of days of my birthday). It was actually a huge relief not to have my day tied to anyone else's or the obligations that came with those, it was just mine. And it was a pretty good day up until my friend triggered the hell out of me and ruined the evening. Sigh. In better news, we have contacted the bird adoption agency and told them we're ready to adopt. It may be a while before we find the right bird for us, but the wheels are in motion.

Hubby and I are having a quiet Christmas at home, no family gatherings or obligations, just some nice peaceful time together. Tomorrow he will be staying with a friend, and I'll have some time to myself to watch all the new Stranger Things episodes, which I'm really looking forward to. Hope your Christmas is going okay, and you're doing it your way, and feeling at peace.

Kind thoughts and hugs,

Blue.

[Clues_Of_Blue]

This year has been off to a pretty rough start. Spent the first couple of days triggered, the heat soared soon after and left us feeling exhausted and kind of trapped (one of my worst triggers, hooray), then we took in a sick bird who didn't make it - the third similar experience now since Mr Feisty died. We went years before that without having anything like that happen; now the grief just keeps pouring in, and still no word from the bird adoption people, so there's no contact with a happy, healthy bird to counter that pain.

Not much positivity to be had in the non-binary identity space, either. It's been so hard to find gender-nonconforming people to build community with, especially locally. I'm constantly misgendered when I'm out in public, no matter how I present, sometimes even by people who know my pronouns. Never mind the whole lack of unisex toilets and various other pointlessly gendered things that quietly reinforce that what I am is not seen and not wanted. And don't even start me on the media hate campaign for trans people, it's really hard to find positive trans spaces online to fill the breach left by no enby/trans people in my in-person social circle (and when there is one, the haters are always there to try and drag it down). The whole thing leaves me feeling invisible, or like I'm not quite real, which again is trigger city for someone who grew up in severe emotional neglect. I feel so tired and angry and sad and fed up. I really am just over all of it.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Clues of Blue
Thank you for sharing your story with us and we’re sure you’ll hear from some of the community members once they spot your post.

This is a welcoming and supportive space, and I’m sure our community members will have an understanding of what you’re going through, and some of them may be able to relate. Maybe this could be a part of the postive space you describe.

If you feel like talking through how your feeling, you could give the lovely Beyond Blue support service a call on 1300 22 4636, or via online chat. As you may already know, QLife will be really good to speak to about this. You can reach them on 1800 184 527 or via webchat.

Kind regards,
Sophie M
 

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Blue,

I've been away for a while so I'm sorry I didn't respond to your earlier post. I'm so sorry to hear about your new bird not making it. That would be so hard after Mr Feisty and Sir Pecks dying. I truly hope the bird adoption people have another bird soon and you will have a feathered friend to care for. I think just having someone to care for and nurture can be so helpful and they really give back too. As you say, you went years without having to deal with such losses and now it's all happened in a short space of time. I can understand why you would feel really down right now.

When it comes to being part of any group of people who are marginalised, finding community is so important yet I really hear you when you say it is so difficult. It's really great you are being yourself but not great at all that others are not either acknowledging that or even resistant to it. There can be ignorance on the one hand, and then more conscious prejudice on another, neither is easy to deal with. I know it has been hard with your family and I'm glad at least you had the peace of not having obligations this year and making December your own.

I really hear what you say about feeling invisible and how triggering that is based on growing up with emotional neglect. I do not know what it is like to be non-binary, but I have been experiencing extreme aloneness in relation to DID. I am unable to disclose it to anyone I know in real life with the exception of my therapist, the people at Blue Knot who really get it, and a trauma-informed doctor I recently went to the city to see. But I know there is extreme risk disclosing it anywhere else because it is very highly stigmatised and people are even scared of it because of the massive distortion of what it is through the media and the wider society. I am forced to mask against my will which is more painful than I can describe in words, as I am going through multiple severe flashbacks a day at the moment and I have to act normal to the external world despite extreme distress internally. I have 16 active parts/alters now and the current flashbacks are linked to very early sexual abuse that had been hidden until the amnesiac barriers came down, which just keeps happening. But basically I just wanted to empathise with you and say I know how awful it is to have an identity/self (in my case selves) that the rest of the world mostly doesn't get and that profound impact of invisibility and lack of validation.

One source of hope I have found has been listening to podcasts, which led me to wonder if you have found any good podcasts from the non-binary community? Sometimes such podcasts are run by people in the mental health field who are also part of the community and they include things like resources as well as online meetings with others - essentially support groups. I just wondered if there is anything like that, that's at least sort of semi-professionally run in a way that screens out the trolls, haters etc? I have found listening to certain podcasts helpful, even just to hear the voices of other people describing going through the same things I have been going through. It is one of very few avenues I have to feel less alone.

I just wanted to say I watched the Anthony Padilla interview you mentioned and it was excellent. He was very respectful of the people with DID and I totally related to the story about the one who needed to text himself so he'd know where he was going. I use the Reminders app on my phone constantly. I've always had these difficulties which for song long I put down to ADHD, but it's so much clearer now. I can walk into a supermarket and then have absolutely no idea why I'm there and just wander lost.

Anyway, take care Blue and it's good you wrote out how you feel. Sending you a supportive hug,

ER

[Clues_Of_Blue]

Hey ER,

Nothing to apologise for. Thanks. I can't say he was "our bird" as such, I brought him in from the back yard after he didn't fly away from me like the rest of the birds, and seemed to be suffering heat exhaustion. It turned out to be something even worse, there seems to be a virus going through the local pigeon population, which claimed the last bird we brought in from the yard, too. We've been wanting to adopt a pigeon, but at this point we're scared to, given how easily we could accidentally expose them to this disease, so that's been a point of grief, too. Gonna have to rethink what kind of bird we will adopt. It's all so heartbreaking, especially so soon after losing Mr Feisty. At least when Sir Pecks died, Mr Feisty was there and he needed us to be present and taking care of him, he really pulled us through. Seeing him happy and healthy and responding to the love we gave nurtured us in turn, helped us to heal and grieve in a healthier way than is happening this time around. Way too much loss now in so short a time, and the need to love a little bird and see them thrive only grows stronger.

I love the emotional maturity in what you've said here, acknowledging the things that make us different, but looking for the ways our experience is similar, to connect on. I appreciate it. The non-binary experience is not super common, nor is DID, and finding community around either is difficult. I admit I came out to quickly weed out the people who believed in the stigma as much as to directly find support and, I gotta say, that worked a charm. And less people had to be weeded out than expected. I guess that is to say, is it really worth masking with quite so many people? Could be okay to let people feel what they feel, as long as they're not directly interfering with you living your life. Even if you don't reveal the DID specifically, you don't have to pretend you're just fine. I've navigated my trauma whilst among humans with simple phrases that tell no details like "I'm having a really bad day"  to make space for having brain fog or dissociation, needing help and so on. Works surprisingly well. Among closer people, that can lead to more real conversations when you're ready for them, and as a prelude to that you can feel out their conceptions of DID by talking about what they think of representations in the media (I did that around my gender stuff and got a pretty good idea of who would be okay and who wouldn't). I'm sorry you're feeling so distressed and struggling so much with traumatic memories and feeling invisible. I guess on the feeling invisible side of things, it's given me plenty of fodder for working through more of my childhood trauma. Connecting past to present, talking to the ol' inner child, blah blah. Sigh.

Haven't really thought about podcasts, they don't work so well with my auditory processing and attention, though some podcasters make videos of them for YouTube, which works okay for me. I could poke around from that angle. I'm glad you find podcasts helpful, any sign of people understanding what we're living with can help with the sense of isolation. I have, fortunately, found a forum just for trans people since I made that last post, so that is proving a positive avenue for me.

Oh good, I'm glad you found that interview positive. I actually found his interviews through my searches for trans and non-binary content, and he'd done a series of interviews with gender-diverse people, with whom he was also really respectful and engaged. He spoke with autistic people and some with ADHD as well, among a range of other groups typically pretty underrepresented and misunderstood in our society. I thought he did justice to all of them. Anyway, glad you found the interviewees relatable, and that you have some more clarity on some of the struggles you have. It's not surprising you chalked some of it up to ADHD, I can attest to how alarming the memory difficuties with that alone can be. 

Apologies if I missed anything important, or if my words have meandered oddly and become hard to make sense of. The year just keeps getting better and better, hubby is just out of a hospital stay, and my brain is scrambled as.

Kind thoughts and hugs to you,

Blue.

PS Thanks Sophie for checking in, and cheers for the reminder about QLife, I'd probably benefit from a chat with them.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Blue,

I wonder about a type of avian flu that may affect pigeons? You've probably looked into all of that. I just looked it up and read about Pigeon Paramyxovirus which is established in Australian pigeons. It does sound like another type of bird may be better, as just the worry about them potentially getting infected would probably be a bit too stressful. I can really hear how much Mr Feisty helped you after Sir Pecks died, and it must be so hard now not having another feathered family member to focus on. Thinking of pet birds, I'm remembering years ago going to a fundraising concert and there was a man there with his pet corella on his shoulder. When everyone was on the dance floor the corella got down on the ground and grooved and bopped on the dance floor like everyone else. It was hilarious. Of course everyone took care not to step on the corella, but it was just one of those moments of interspecies connectivity and shared experience that was really delightful. I just thought I'd share that memory and I remember ones you've shared about your lovely birds.

I watched the Anthony Padilla interview with people who are non-binary - "I spent a day with non-binary people". It was really good like the DID one and so nice to hear from those people explaining their experiences. It really is educational and helps to reduce stigma and I think many people would open their hearts and minds more from those kinds of sensitively done interviews. Too often people can make sweeping judgements about a whole group of people they don't even know, so the more individual stories of lived experience that get told the better. I'm really glad you've found the forum for trans people. What I am realising is how essential it is, when an identity/way of being is less common, to find others who are the same or similar. It really can make all the difference to coping and feeling better. 

With regard to masking and DID, it really is a fundamental safety and survival issue. Due to absolutely horrible and inaccurate portrayals in movies, TV series, sensationalist current affairs programs etc, many people view those with DID as disturbingly crazy through to dangerous psychopaths. People with DID are not these things and are far more likely to be victims of abuse than abusers themselves. I've heard so many stories now of people losing their jobs, most of their friends etc after their diagnosis became known. It literally can be so destructive socially and emotionally, and if you tell just one person and they share it around, there can be a lot of fallout. So I may be able to educate some people, but I have to tread very carefully. Then there is the issue of how it affects your individual alters. If people react badly I know it will bring out one of my vulnerable child alters who ends up involuntarily fronting when fear enters the system, then she gets horribly injured. This can cause her to shut down for hours, to days to weeks afterwards and really intolerable suffering. It really compounds existing trauma in the system to do with social isolation and interpersonal injury. There is so much at stake in terms of the safety of the system.

I hear what you say about saying something like "having a bad day". In some contexts that may be ok. In my town, however, it's an absolute social no to ever say you are not ok. I was once asked by a cafe manager how I was going. I had been severely not ok that week. I tried to word things positively by saying, well I've had a rough week but I'm improving. I got the response, "Well I'm not going to pump up your tires for you, pump up your own tires, no one's going to pump up your tires", which she reiterated loudly to everyone in the cafe and she walked back to the counter. Then another local asked me how I was one day. Again I tried to be honest and gave a similar answer and got, "Well deal with it then, fix it". Ironically only a few weeks ago I saw the same guy shuffling along the footpath in an obviously depressed state. There is an unwritten rule in the town you pretend to be fine no matter what. Many of the town are former farm folk who are very stoic and you are expected to be chin up and cheery, even if really struggling. I also know that if they ever found out about DID it would be social death. The reason I recently saw a new GP in the city is because he is trauma-informed and it went reasonably well, but disclosing the same info to the doctors down here would very likely harm me.

I don't think your words meandered oddly at all. Everything you wrote made total sense. Thank you for your understanding and support. Take good care and hugs to you, ER