Blue's terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day (life viewed through the lens of depression)
Some of you are aware of my existence by now, but for those who aren't, I'm fairly new to this forum. I've been stumbling my way along with depression for somewhere around seven years. It was triggered by a life event and exacerbated by circumstances since then, which I've done my best to eliminate where possible. About a year ago I changed track with that and made the huge decision to end the relationship I was in. Rough though that was, I finally started to see a bit of progress. I've still had a fight on my hands, to stay afloat and get control of my time and money and my peace of mind, all of which were tied up for a long time in untangling my finances from those of my ex (not his fault, the bank made it really damn hard, and my job and my own state of mind weren't helping).
Now I've started enjoying things again, and am not always instantly down when I'm on my own. I was once a (deliberately) solitary creature who enjoyed my own company and learning everything I could, so it's good to be more like that again. The depression's always there, lurking in the background, but I sometimes go a few weeks at a time without any prolonged episodes. Long enough to start feeling like I'm healing or that my emotions have some concept of cause and effect again. Then down I slam again, sometimes for a day or two, other times for weeks, and it feels like I've made no progress at all. In these periods my mind and my emotions are constantly at war, particularly when I'm alone and/or it's quiet. My mind is calm for the most part, and well aware I'm strong and capable and have strategies and I actively work on those in spite of the depression. My emotions, on the other hand, are running about with flags chock full of negative messages and even though I know it's not (or even close) I feel like everything is collapsing, that I can't deal with it and I just want everything to stop. That's where I'm at, today.
I do have an amazing partner now, who is extremely supportive, and has helped me immensely. My current problem is that I need my friends and family, too. I so rarely have time that isn't ruined by unsociable work hours and also the energy and will to socialise, but my friends are seldom available when I do. In those times I know it may be weeks or months before I can see them again, and I miss them, and that's mostly when I crash again these days. Dunno how to fix that yet, but I need to vent, and here I am. Getting better but having a really crap day.
I am really liking the censored expletives actually, because it just draws more attention to them than if they were set free.
I think I like shiny and new just as much as anyone at the centre of that particular bell curve. It spurs the momentum when in the middle of a process. Much like keeping a coin spinning on a table for as long as possible with gentle nudges. Or even inspires me to pick something up again, if only for a moment. I don't get caught up in it though, to the point where I'm constantly buying things. That just doesn't make sense.
My new job gets me out of the house but the environment doesn't really encourage socialising. Everyone eats at their desks on their own. The only reason someone talks to you is because they want something. I don't actually like my job. It's an office, desk job, which I dislike, I'm more of a hands-on person, it doesn't stimulate my brain, which I don't like, plus sitting all day actually makes my knee ache, had surgery on it and it hasn't been quite the same...But, it is a means to an end. So, I put up with it. Granted, it's been two weeks and they have been turbulent, but it has coincided with some new meds. So, I'm treating myself like an experiment.
So, I'm just trudging along. I don't know, maybe the big headphones and the sunnies don't really make one seem approachable,except to people trying to sell you subscriptions.
I was out the other day and saw someone with the same headphones, and I thought, conversation starter? Then I realised, they want to listen to music, and I want to listen to music so...
It's the best thing when someone truly appreciates you, I think.
I'm glad I made you smile
A valid point, about the expletives. I'm a fan of them in various formats. 🙂
Nothing wrong with shiny new things, but I think people get a bit too caught up in keeping up with the Joneses. If it's genuinely going to enhance your life, sure. But I've been going minimalist lately (then discovered it's actually a thing that's gaining popularity), getting rid of a lot of stuff, and putting a stop to random impulse buying. Which doesn't mean I don't buy anything, I just stop first and ask myself if I'm really going to use or enjoy it.
I found I had so much clutter around the place it was making me kind of miserable. Why have a bunch of junk you use once and it just collects dust? You can't move around it, you have to clean it or shuffle it around to find things. Nope. I still have a lot of work to do on it, but I've given away heaps of things I wasn't using, and thrown out old favourite things that just aren't in good enough shape to use any more. It's quite freeing.
It does sound like your job is a bit unsatisfying. Maybe once you settle in with your meds you could look at changing to something else? Doesn't have to be fancy, but something you get a little bit of pleasure out of. If you're already struggling with work/life balance, feeling depressed and lonely, spending a heap of hours somewhere that makes you feel even more isolated isn't great. Working in a shop has its drawbacks, but it's pretty good on a social level.
Forgive me, but I was faintly amused when you said you were treating yourself like an experiment. Sounds so much like something I'd say. Even when I first started hanging out with my other half (we were friends before we were anything else), I called it a social experiment, and him my project.
Maybe headphones aren't the best conversation starter. But at least you're socially aware... Leaving people who want to be alone to their business is just as crucial to making friends as spotting the ones who want company, I think. Just a thought.
Settled in with an episode of Duckman, now, and the company of one of my wee birdies (who is sitting atop my office door having a preen).
Ahaha, yes, expletives add colour to the conversation.
Ah, yup. I would rather do the research and get something that I would make full use of. Minimalist is a big thing. As an art movement, when it comes to running shoes, living life...I have subscribed to it for a while. A couple of years ago I also thought through the sentimentality we put on inanimate objects, leading us to hold onto it or keep it stowed away somewhere, where you never really use it. Of course, until you find it again and go through the same process. I got rid of that trait, didn't really need it and as you said, just adds to the clutter. The sentiment is always there, the object doesn't have to be. So, all the stuff I need fits in my suitcase at the moment. Except for all the books I own. I have a library that I had to leave in Aus, which I will bring over to wherever it is that I end up in this world.
I kind of expected it to be unsatisfying, considering it was well out of any area of interest of mine. But, it is hard to find a job here, plus it may actually help me move to Canada as a resident rather than a student, which will help with the bill associated with studying. So, I have reasons to put up with it. It occupies my brain, just doesnt't challenge it. I have math for that. I wouldn't say I feel more isolated, just that it isn't a social environment. Having said that, I have seen and been through worse environments when it comes to work.
No forgiveness necessary, nothing wrong with a little self experimentation. How else do we learn really? Seems like your social experiment was a success after all.
I agree, headphones aren't the best conversation starter. I also wonder how I would feel if someone came up t me randomly and started talking to me, if I looked like I wanted company and wasn't wearing my headphones. I mean, the absence of company doesn't necessarily equate to wanting company, you know?
You own birds? I haven't had the best track record with birds...I've been attacked and ***t on...And they always like sitting in my hair until they realise it isn't a nest and start flapping about caught up in all of it. I never know if I'm more harassed by that situation or the bird is. I do get caught up watching them in flight, mainly because I wish I could fly. It actually saddens me a little that even if I modified myself genetically to just grow wings, I wouldn't be aerodynamic enough or have the muscular capacity/knowledge to use them
Living on my own, I always had a bit of a minimalist thing going on. Each time I found myself living with a partner, crap kept piling up. I have a particular hatred of cleaning, and mountains of junk just add to the sense of being overwhelmed by domestic drudgery. It became a surprisingly big factor in my last break-up. To him, if the surfaces were full, stuff went on the floor, including things I'd just tidied up and he decided to move when looking for something. The clutter and the futility of cleaning and the general disrespect in that area were just overwhelming. So you can imagine there was a certain renewed vigour to my need to pare back junk when the relationship ended. That said, still got tonnes of books. Those I will always have a use for. Most of the belongings I have left that aren't utilitarian are for feeding my mind and creativity, and for general self-expression.
I guess your job is just a calculated step, then. You put your head down and bull through it in the knowledge it is finite and fits your end goals. I can understand that.
And yes, my social experiment was a brilliant success. I had a sense of his quality as a person, but he turned out even better than I expected. My friends and family are good in their way, but it's so inconstant and they get so caught up in their own stuff. He's the one person who has been consistently there and really hearing me, and his friendship changed everything for me. I didn't feel like a shade any more, like someone only half in the living world. I was in a place of really feeling like I didn't exist to anyone but myself, or at least in more than a distant, ethereal kind of way. He's been a huge source of strength for me... and it certainly doesn't hurt that he's extraordinarily attractive.
As you say, not having company and wanting it aren't the same thing. I quite often sit in a coffee shop and have a cappuccino by myself; I don't want to be approached, unless it's by someone bringing me more coffee. But it's not too hard to spot the difference between someone comfortable in their own space and someone who really just wants to be seen.
I have two birds. To be frank, they poop on me all the time, and I've had my share of pecks. Even so, I adore the little mischief makers. You haven't lived until you've woken up with a little bird standing on one foot on the tip of your nose, wobbling about because even though he's small, he's not that small relative to a human nose.
Ugh, I'm with you on that one, cleaning is a horrible activity. I can understand the liberation you feel coming out of that. I am, in general a messy person, but, I can adapt. If I'm living with a clean person, I clean more, with a messy person...so much mess around that I don't care for a while. I suppose because there's no need to think about it if who you're living with doesn't complain.
It is a calculated step. There was a checklist in my head, and I've been ticking things off in spite of this depression. I just don't like half-***ing anything, because I always know that I could have done better, so I get trapped in that cycle of "don't give yourself something else to regret" and "I can't"
You described perfectly how I feel right now. I think on some previous posts I have described it somewhat similarly. I'm happy for you that there is someone who helps you get back your substance.
Yea, I suppose if you people watch, you could notice. I tend to use my imagination to change my surroundings rather than watching them.
Don't get me wrong, I do like birds, I'm an animal lover in general. I've just been attacked by the big ones. Cockatoos, African Grey, and the magpies, crows...I used to own budgies. Well, the family. I used to come home from school at times and they would all be sitting squeezed up together making this huge noise, and immediately stop when they noticed me watching. They were totally talking about us humans. I have woken up with a dog on my face...does that count?
My Nan, had this Alsatian who, loved me as a growing pup, but then hated me afterward. I couldn't understand it. She used to play mind games with me. Attack me one minute then in the next jump on my bed while I was reading and lean on me. And she watched my every movement. while laying there. I didn't want to make any sudden movements. And every morning she would come around and like the palm of my hand, I was convinced that she was tasting me. I've never met a vindictive cow. That's something.
Don't get me wrong, I'm no neat freak, but when you're the only one who cleans and the other person undoes everything you do the minute you do it, the line has to be drawn. My weird work hours really take the stuffing out of me, so the last thing I want to do is have to unbury every surface I have to use, or wash dishes before I can cook or even have a bowl of cereal. I love cooking when I can muster the energy, but every time I wanted to do it, there was this mountain of mess to clean up get to the stove or have clean utensils. It was really sucking the life out of me.
Can't say I've shared your line of thinking about not giving yourself something else to regret, or at least not directly. I figure it's more a matter of just doing what I can toward my goals as I can handle it. I only push beyond that in situations that are utterly untenable, and it takes a lot of recovery time for each instance... Or at least I assume so. I've yet to get enough of a break from unreasonable amounts of stress to get a solid fix on what recovery really feels like.
Well, in general terms. Finally not in a crisis-ridden relationship. That's a nice change, and healing is happening that department. Most of my sense of being a shade came from my last relationship; he completely disengaged from me, and having someone in my own home treating me like I was barely there was what took it to that level. Nothing from outside was enough to counter it until I left.
I'm not really a fan of people watching, except to not trip over them, or avoid being approached in general public situations. I dislike people for the most part; but I'm decent at analysing what I see when I care to look.
I think dog on face counts. Not the Alsation, I hope? You wouldn't wake up happy with a dog that size on you. Least of all developing a taste for human flesh...
I'm in bed now, with a little bird snuggled against my face, and his head under his wing. Dunno about vindictive cows, but I wouldn't have even a friendly one in bed with me. Bird's just fine, thanks.
No, I understand. The mess and clutter puts you off, especially if you have to wash things to cook with only to wash them again an hour later. I don't particularly like cooking, or food in general. Eating is a chore I must complete. So, when it gets messy...I don't bother really.
I can't actually recall a time which I would consider "recovery." I'm thinking but not finding. I don't have something to compare it to. I suppose what you described above draws that connection of your past catching up to you when you know that you should be focusing on the present, what you have now. It is good that you are aware that there is some healing happening in an aspect of your life, so not all of it is bad. Right? Again, it is admirable that feeling the way you did, you were able to sort of legitimize yourself and leave the bad situation., physically if not yet emotionally.
People watching isn't for me either. The only people I do watch are my friends, because you learn a lot from their actions and their silence. People, in general, I dislike also, but I think it's because I don't value the same things as the majority does, from what I have seen.
Hah, no, the Alsatian was more the "growl and snap me into a corner and spend 15 minutes barking and snarling at me before calmly walking away as soon as someone else came into the room" type. This dog was a lovely dog. She was medium sized, so a bit smaller than an Alsatian. Let's be honest, it was less about me and more about getting into the warm spot on my bed. It was still love.
I am currently imagining the life version of tweety (a canary) sitting on the top bit of your face, as that is the only part of you that I have reference for. A cow would certainly ruin the sleeping experience...though for insomniacs, what more could happen really?
I was just wondering if you watched the matrix? I was thinking earlier, what if both pills were taken at the same time?