Blended family and BPD Wife

[TheFarSide]

Unfortunately I find myself dealing with the fallout of separating from my BPD wife...

I met my wife through online means. She was everything I wanted and more - her values, her wit, her looks, the sex, the similarities and instant compatibility. The romance moved at record rates and seemingly without a hitch. We met each others children/family/lives and no alarm bells sounded.

Then due to matters of coincidence I found myself need to move house (I was renting at the time) and she insisted we should be together. I moved to hers and it seemed so easy. Before too long we spoke of buying a place together and then marriage.

After 12 months and one new house later we got married and this is where the fairy tale ended.

The night of our wedding came the most illogical aggressive argument about nothing. Her venom laden words seemed to morph into new topics with no time to stop and evaluate what the issues were. It was like a 3 year old tantrum. The fight finally came to a close when she uttered the words 'it's me or your child - you choose' (I am an every second weekend dad).

As soon as those words came I knew there was something much darker at work than simple unchecked emotions.

From there my wife could barely go for much more than a week without firing up at me or her youngest daughter (living with us). I started to notice the same daughter suffering - little OCD's and hurting herself behind her bedroom door to silence the pain. The oldest daughter had already been kicked out by mum to live with her dad.

The unpredictability escalated & I found out she used antidepressants.

I started to research the symptoms and behaviours and stumbled upon countless BPD forums and guides - this was it without a doubt: the love bomb tactics, everyone else is to blame, distorted facts, lies and excessive anger, the changes of subject when confronted, not answering questions, the use of whatever shouted verbal weapon would get results & the quest for forgiveness and compassion when she'd ebbed down days later.

I managed to get her to go to a Psychiatrist. She was at least honest (I was in the room). Although the assessment process seemed short the Doc said she showed enough traits to be considered mild BPD. Since then its only intensified.

In moments I know she has tried to get better and I've loved, supported & been patient with her. I've not been mentally affected but I know its time to sell and say goodbye to the dream - it was never real anyway.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks Quirky

there has only been emails and texts between us to discuss the settlement arrangements for awhile now - we haven’t even seen each other for what seems so long despite being in the same house as I type ... it’s like there is a fence dividing the house...

i know it’s part of the grieving process to miss the positive elements and the touch she provided. There is something deeply satisfying to the heart to share a moment or to just lay together as a couple. But for the most part these things were moments in time rather than consistent behaviour... the mind can play tricks - the separation despite being a really difficult time still seems the only logical path...

Like many others who’ve typed online about BPD separation - if only the person with BPD could do this or see things this way. - Why do they need to push pull so much Etc etc...

i can only control me and it’ll be One day at a time for now...

[Guest_1584]

Hi fs , so sorry about to hear the news man.

No easy way is there eh, damn. lf some know what they're doing sometimes it's like well just bloody fix it will ya. But yeah , it's so easy to suddenly be thinking of the good times isn't it. Damn rough situation for ya man , so sorry it's come about.

l've always had a hard time understanding the push pull thing and l must admit l could never quite get my head around it tbh.

l was never sure if my ex was bpd or just a nasty b@tch tbh. Well l heard from her 6wks back and we'd just talked a bit since. Not about getting back together or like, l've been with someone else a fair while now , although she has some troubles of her own right now , nother story but a bit on off and she actually wanted me to talk to ex and maybe get some closure.

Well, for awhile there l felt really proud of ex. She even admitted to a few things and we talked about others and with some very touchy stuff thrown in too , she was great, l could feel it hovering though and eventually she lost, the good old days.! She also managed to sneak in some smaller stuff a long the way but we kept the peace , until out it all came, boom . l'd also done a good job till then settling any smaller sparks, but the crap she sprouted when she finally popped was just too much and l blew a fuse and gave it both barrels. Not proud of it but the crap she was spitting , really , l mean it deserved it.

l don't know if they actually know what they're saying but l tell ya , after being with a normal healthy woman again , this just disgusted me even more. Sooo , my gf must've known what she was doing not minding us talking a bit bc l got my closure alright let me tell ya , and no way in hell l'm ever going back to that. But it's hard l know , l feel in ways almost hate for her now with stuff she said, yet that's probably not real and at the same time well , like l felt about her once too.

Anyway , l know your in such a bigger situation and l don't mean to detract from that, but l could only imagine , seeing ex again like this though , man ! No one could blame you for getting out of it .

Day ata time l guess.

[TheFarSide]

Thanks for sharing your story RX.

I think it’s great that even though the experience of seeing your ex again was a bit of a mixed bag it importantly gave you something valuable - a sense of closure on that section of life. To see your ex without the cloudiness and loving tolerance that comes while in a relationship together means you could see her for how she was the a and how she could be now... you also Have then perspective of now being in a healthy relationship to apply the litmus test to...
‘it was a good read and I appreciate the time you took to share - Hats off to you for landing in a healthy space with your current partner and for her understanding relating to the contact you had with your ex. Also I think it was great that you had the honesty with your partner so that there was no story left to unfold down the track.

When I began my first post it was with the internal understanding that I would most likely end up here where I am now... I knew at that point it would fail without change - the signs had been there for a good deal of time before that first post. I am thankful I have never lost my self value or my capacity to evaluate outside of the emotional but it doesn’t mean that trying to be supportive and caring wasn’t tested at my emotional level...

I am somewhat prepared there may or may not be a reach out of some kind - the hoovering as you put it but for now we have maintained total silence outside of necessary information exchanges on text and email. I am hoping this current way of being continues until we can physically part... I have slept well even if it’s been a little broken...

it’s funny that when you search for BPD online there are just so many videos, stories, forums and other resources available and I wonder how did I not come across or hear about this stuff before? It’s amazing how many men in particular have experiences that almost mirror what I have seen.... I am glad For the resources available tho - to be able to understand what happened and to know my own part in the mix.

thanks again for the story RX - I will keep posting coz I think there is more to tell until life becomes truly just mine again...

[TheFarSide]

Interestingly enough the centre of blame has once again been shifted through messages/texts To me as the apparent centre of all issues.

so despite my wife having being diagnosed by a physchiatrist, having seen counsellors,physcologists, been on high dose antidepressants, having admitted to having BPD issues herself along with the countless issues, the daily evidence and conflict that has occurred with those close to her - it would seem in her eyes I am the one to blame ...I guess that’s part of the journey she needs to take...

she has taken this tact I believe because I have refused to move away from my ask that she seek professional assistance to address her behaviours/anger/interactions. The clinic that does DBT and other work is only a 10 minute drive away. She has people that support and love her and it would not be a lonely life journey to do the work.

for me I see what the messages are and it doesn’t have the desired impact on me that is perhaps intended... all I have done is stay my ground and remind her that the current situation is a result of how things have been over time - particularly the consistent pattern of behaviour she has demonstrated - she has the power to change and to have a life well lived and loved.

i understand it could be confronting for her but this also isn’t the first conversation that we are having about all this. It should not a surprise to her...

last night I slept well again despite the repeat fire messages ... I am comfortable with where I am, my approach, my position and how much I have invested in her as a partner...

with some days now that I have had just to myself I certainly don’t miss the eggshell approach to life that came with her Unknown moods on a daily basis...

[Guest_1584]

Hey fs , and thanks very much for that man , it wasn't suppose to be about me really but l guess to share and maybe know someone out there understands a little , or something like that.

lnteresting you saying it's all your fault now , l thought it was always that way anyway , always was with my ex. Even though she actually did all of the very things she'd accuse me of, sometimes l thought it must've just been her projecting or something , but she was way too serious about it all for that it seemed.

l suppose in your situation you get the time and unfortunately the real day in out life with it and a first hand look at how and when everything comes about. l don't really wish l had that kind of time with the ex , hate to think actually , but it might've helped make more sense of it.

Do you think it's the abandonment thing with your wife , or ? My ex had had the worst run with men l'd ever heard of and so at 48 , l couldn't blame her in a way for sure . But the thing that never made sense to me was that now she had a good one , he wouldn't run off wouldn't end up hating her wouldn't screw around and he really felt the right stuff for her back when , yet that was how he was treated, literally driving me away. You'd think it'd be opposite.As far as l know she had a very blessed childhood back in Italy and is still very close to her parents. But strangely , we talked so much when things were good, but just never got around to much on childhood. so l don't know for sure.

Had your w had a bad run with men or have you ever figured out if something set all this off ?

[TheFarSide]

So things unfolded today that werent entirely unforeseeable - I got the message today which basically said what does she have to do to make things right... the answer was simple enough... get a mental health plan and do 12 months DBT therapy group and therapy and make things as right as you can with the people she has treated poorly... my son is on that list...

thus far she has agreed however I have made it clear short of something dramatic occurring any failure to attend and the opportunity closes... this isn’t a free ride and I had accepted that this was the end of the line...

The opportunity is now all hers to do the work, to get some balance with perspective and behaviours to allow her the skills to deal with the moments that trigger the excessive angered reaction. Best case scenario for me - she attains a better (not perfect) headspace and we can work on what we look like... worst case scenario is where I am now which is simply looking at an exit strategy so nothing to lose by trying....

[Guest_1584]

That's incredible that she's asked that of you and is willing to listen Just going from many stories l found and even my own , not many would ask something like that.

[TheFarSide]

It is the dreaded push pull and Hoover that goes with the disorder. The time will tell if there is a genuine attempt to address matters or just a another pull back.

I have contacted the clinic - got the costs - requested admission and asked her to get a referral from her Doc. This is how we proceed.

my posts are littered of course with return to relationship strategies that come unglued. But I’m not wasting time - this is the best opportunity we have had for her to seek some assistance... I am ready however for either aforementioned eventuality....

watch this space ...

[Guest_1584]

Nooo man not at all.

lt's a roller coaster because she's a roller coaster, your trying your best to make your marriage and future together work , nothing wrong with that.

My ex and l were on and off l lost count how many times, but if we were married , kids involved , property , l'd be in it for as long as it took if there were any hope at all.

[TheFarSide]

Things have travelled well thus far... behaviours have been in check, disagreements non existent and the DBT clinic is booked starting within 7 days.

It’s been such a shift and I am both hugely welcoming of this approach as well as just having a healthy edge of caution as well - It is hopeful ...

it would be nice to have a peak into the future - twelve months from now - to see if the skills they teach and counselling provided has helped her be at peace...

for now it’s a day at a time and I Will update as we go ...