Are we kidding ourselves that things really can get better

Guest_5809 · ‎05-08-2017

I have been in this vicious cycle for so long now and nothing gets better. I am battle fatigued. Truely just numb. Single parent to 2 teens with mental health issues and a narcissistic ex ( kids father). I have experienced my ex attempt suicide, my youngest who was 10 yo at the time attempt suicide and my now 14yo attempt suicide 4 times. I live an emotional roller coaster that I vant keep up wth unless I self medicate. I have 2 inpatient admissions in 7 months cause I just can't see any light left. We exist not live. I am totally lost. We have support services in place but nothing changes . I don't know how other people seem to cope and I can't. I don't know what's wrong with my brain. I feel damaged and broken. I don't want pity and I know there are lots doing it harder than I am. I want to know how to survive this or is it possible t survive ths? And please don't advise me to self care. I truely have little or know time to myself to address my own needs as my chidrens needs are high plus I work to pay bills. Sorry to sound grumpy and selfish. I am just lost and feeling hopeless.

Thanks for taking the time to read.

Sad_Mushroom · ‎03-01-2018

Hi Dotti,

Sorry about this,,,but when one of my sons was 15yo (he is now in his 20's) I dragged him into the police station in a headlock and dropped him on the floor and told them if they did not do something I was going to hurt him.

Of course, I was not going to hurt him but I was so fed up with his bullying and attitude that I had enough. I had played nice mum for too long and no one wanted to help or said they couldn't help. My son was affecting my other kids and their right to a happy life.

I told the police he was their problem now! They took him into a room and spoke to him, locked him in a cell for a while and explained what was going to happen to him if he kept up his behaviour. It worked for a short while but it gave me time to focus and seek other support/help.

I know the feeling of thinking you did something wrong by one kid, when your other kids seem fine. I know the feeling of guilt you feel, when you think you let that one kid down.

My son is now in his 20's and he says it wasn't anything to do with me, it was about his dad. (sorry to all the dads but this is how my son felt)

My other kids handled the divorce great but this one son had issues. His dad promised him he would never leave him and promised to be there,,,,,then just disappeared. NO birthday cards, no calls no nothing. This one son took it to heart and thought something was wrong with him. He took it out on me because I was there.

Dotti, never think it is about being a bad mum. I have this son who is an alcoholic and he's been removed by police a few months ago to live more than 500km's away from me because of his abuse, even though he cries afterwards and says how sorry he is. I have to protect my other younger kids.

One of those younger kids is deaf and suffers anxiety. He works and deals with it. He began going to headspace when he was about 15yo, he is now 24yo and manages. He has OCD of which he is almost better.

I know the pain of choosing one kid over another. That's what it boils down to. YOU need to be safe and happy and so do those that you care for.

Now I'm putting myself out there, which I do not like as I would prefer everyone to think I am rosy.

SM

Guest_5809 · ‎05-01-2018

Hi sm

i appreciate your honesty in telling your situation. I don’t have the strength to make decisions. I have stuffed up both kids and my own life. I have real guilt for what our lives have become. I am being punished and have to accept this “life”. I hate it but I need to suck it up.

Guest_5809 · ‎05-01-2018

Thank you for finding the time to respond.

I have had to forgive kids dad so he can be in their lives. It’s tearing me up. I can’t trust myself let alone others. Did all this happen with my ex r am I delusional and crazy. I don’t know anymore. I just don’t know.

Sad_Mushroom · ‎05-01-2018

Dotti,

Sorry, but I just think you didn't get the support you needed and should have been given. YOU should never have been left in this position.

Somedays I am glad I have a personality disorder because if it wasn't for my disorder I would have sat at home and been just like you. I would have accepted everything and thought it was my fault. It was my disorder who changed things for me.

Dotti, I feel so sad for you because I know the feelings of horror and dread. I know what you are feeling and thinking Dotti. What happens when your son thinks he is invincible and picks on the wrong person? It's not just what is happening now that you are scared of it's what happens to him if he doesn't stop.

Do you find yourself and others hiding in a room and trying to be quiet so you do not set him off? Are you even sure what sets him off? Do you find yourself lying to others about his behaviour, making excuses for him? Do you make excuses to yourself about his behaviour? Do you try to rationalise his behaviour?

SM

Croix · ‎05-01-2018

Dear Dotti~

You can trust yourself to love, and to try. Everyone has doubts, both about themselves and others. In your case the long hard road had taken its toll and made those doubts get larger until it must be a confusing mess.

I don't know if it is a good thing you let your ex be with the kids, you said you did not trust him, what do you think he is going to do? I guess also it very much depends on their reactions. If your eldest becomes more aggressive and unmanageable and your youngest more unhappy then it might not be such a good thing anyway.

I think we have more faith in you than you do about yourself

Croix

Guest_5809 · ‎07-01-2018

Thank you for responding sm.

My youngest son has a code word for whenever 15 yo enters a room. It’s “brace”. How sad that we are always on edge waiting for the next onslaught. I do all of the things you mentioned. I really do t know how else to cope with the behaviours from him.

Guest_5809 · ‎07-01-2018

Thank you for responding Croix.

I have really just given up. No one else can manage him so I sold my soul to the devil( ex) I feel horrible lowering my self but I am over it.

Doolhof · ‎08-01-2018

Hi Dotti,

Just dropping by to say hello. Sounds like you are doing it tough.

What are the things you would like to change in your life Dotti, real or imaginary?

Is there some way you can make any of this possible? Even one small change may lead to other changes.

I'm sure you are trying your very best Dotti, I just know that sometimes it helps me to have dreams even if right now I have no idea how they will be fulfilled.

Having no hope at all is an unpleasant place to be. Even the smallest glimmer of hope is beneficial.

Dools

Guest_5809 · ‎08-01-2018

I wish!! There is no hope left. None. That’s the sad fact of my life.

Croix · ‎09-01-2018

Dear Dotti~

OK, life has forced the decision on you about your ex. When you said your 14yo had that code word I understood why you did it. It can be easy to take the blame for what life dictates, even when unjustified. Things blur and thinking bad about oneself in one area bleeds though and we think bad about ourselves all round.

We'll cross our fingers and hope it brings some improvement to your 15yo. What does your younger son think of it?

Mrs Dools is right, when life is the pits long-term a daydream can give a little rest - even if it is impractical make-believe. When in a psych ward I used to dream of being in the fantasy books I was reading.

Croix