Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy and Everyone 🤗

I think that was good to tell the area manager you will rethink your decision in the Christmas break. I would say trust your intuition Grandy. If it really feels better not to go back, that sounds like what is best for you. It does sound like it is better for your health.

I am the same as you in that I had to please others as a child otherwise I was met with punishment. I was taught to neglect myself completely while taking care of others. Two days ago I went to my local supermarket and there was a charity raffle. The guy there encouraged me to pay the minimum raffle price of $25. I have regularly donated to charities but I often do so at my own expense. I was so sick that day and could hardly speak. I am also worried about my financial future. But as always, someone else wanted something so I gave it. While it is a good cause, I negated myself in the process. When I got home I burst into tears because I realised yet again I hadn't done what I really wanted in that situation. I have given to charities so many times, but then I look at myself who has no family support and debilitating chronic health conditions, and I think who is there to help me? Only me. And yet I still fail to put myself first when I need to.

So I completely understand what you are saying Grandy, that it is really, really hard to put your needs first. The irony of the above situation with the charity is that morning I was trying to find affordable places to stay in a town I want to visit in order to visit a friend in a nursing home. I was looking for the cheapest place possible, yet I automatically give my resources away to others. I think the thing that can potentially turn the pattern around is when you realise your own health and wellbeing is being seriously damaged by not putting yourself first. So Grandy perhaps even looking at it from that perspective, that you will have less pain and feel so much better in your body when you do take care of your needs. Even thinking of the vulnerable child part of yourself that didn't get the care she needed, and going in to care for that inner child now, might help. Scoop her up and give her a big hug 🤗💗

Also, you can really take heart in the fact that customers were asking about you. That shows you are valued by people Grandy, that people see the light and goodness in you. So know that you are a valued and precious human being deserving of care and respect 🌟

I hope you and everyone are going well today and you are getting some nice rest.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

[demonblaster]

Hi darlin 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and all the lovelies here too 😊

Oh I'm glad to hear at least one of the ladies apologised. Yes it would mean a lot. Good hun 🙂
And that you didn't worry about the other one is also a plus too. 
That was good of you helping out back, I'd imagine they would have appreciated the help. Sounds like it was pretty full on. 

Yip from what you've said in the past it certainly doesn't sound as though they give a toss.

Still I think it'd be a good thing to let them know. Who knows maybe someone might take heed. 
That is up to you of course lovey. I just think they need to have their eyes opened and another good towards you standing up for yourself. 
Agreed it is good you said you'll have a think over Xmas. Well done darls 🤗

That's so beautiful customers asking after you 😀 it makes you feel appreciated and cared about doesn't it. Loved hearing that. 

Dagh not good your poor leg hurting again though. Glad about the sciatica but still you don't want pain again aye. Sounds like it's been flat out too that wouldn't have helped. Good you were resting the poor thing. 

All the best with the mammogram huns I know you've had it done. I was sure we (friend) had to go last yr but she thought it was this one.

 Grandy love I really do think about you daily often and wonder how it's all going for you. I seriously hope going back isn't a constant down for you though. You don't need that on top of everything else hun. But then I'm glad you're amongst mostly anyway nice people especially customers that clearly care about you. Look how far you've come darlin.

OK precious soul, you look after yourself dear friend esp that leg. 
Always so much love sweety girl  🤗💚💗🌺💜🐥

Take good care everyone too 🕊 It's a bit pale but that's a white dove. Might need the hubble telescope to spot it 😅

See yaz 

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dear Grandy,

Just popping in with a cuppa & (I must admit I did rifle through your 💼 to find it) a cake tin that is always filled with your most favourite cake, calorie free.  I also bought along some 🍖  🍖 for the furs.  

I've been thinking about you lass & wondering how you are keeping.  You are always welcome on mine if you want to pop in, chat about anything or add to the mayhem happening on Croix's iceberg.  No pressure lass.  

Giving you a big comforting 🐻 hug

Paws

[demonblaster]

Hiya Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 Pawsy 🐾 and all other lovelies here and reading 😊

No pressure to reply Mrs lovely, just popping with our lovely Pawsy to have a nice cuppa Baileys and kahlua yummmmm. 

Hoping dear friend that things are settling down for you but sadly I very much doubt the leg and bodies improving including the shoulders how are they going darls these days I know one had eased off somewhat.
Anything physically or mentally that affects our sleep and of course the pain makes life a lot harder. 

Not long now till Xmas and then you"ll have a well earned break and I guess if you haven't decided yet to tell them if you're staying or not. Geez you've done a few yrs there haven't you there and come a long way.
I've always liked you've been around people as opposed to an empty house of humans. Of course thank goodness you have the eternal both ways love of the furs.
I know some of those have been horrids, shaking head I don't understand how people can be ok with being horrors to others. Pfttt

Ok lovely friend, we're off for a walk which we do most days around half an hr at a good pace. After that we pretty much plonk out 😄 although it doesn't really sound much it is a fair load of walking and as mentioned at pace that's covering more ground. 
It certainly is good for mh and being out amongst it's nice. 

It's as pretty much mostly a gorgeous sunny day here, I know you prefer rainy ones but sending you some sun for your beautiful heart and soul packed with vitamins and light that spreads throughout your bod. Oh OH lol it's also a slow release med so it'll last for ages and watch when you breath out it releases a Golden light vapour then goes back in when you breathe back in. 

Love you Mrs bbff please take care and don't let beasty have control. That's our job now. IT's been sacked!!!!

Cya all...same goes tc and don't let the downs control us 🤗💜💫

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Eagle Ray, Paws, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone…..🤗..

Really sorry it’s taken me a while to reply to your beautiful and caring posts..

I’ve been having a hard time since I committed myself to going back to work…mentally I’m not doing great, forcing myself on my work days to get into work is so hard…completely mentally and physically drained at the end of each day, the other 4 days doing nothing except laying around or staying in bed…I can feel myself getting unwell and really don’t care about anything that’s happening in my life…Life for me hasn’t been the same since I lost Ebony…then 2 ladies from work passed away, along with 3 people from town then 2 weeks ago a regular customer and all in a matter of a few months….my younger brother being hospitalised due to swallow syncope….all this is making me think what is the point of struggling so much, trying to find some type of happiness or meaning in life…when I in a split second, God takes us home and our entire life is erased out…happiness is very much just a quick fleeting feeling where depression drags on for what seems like forever…life can be so unfair for some people….making everyday a challenge to get through…and what for, to just have another day to get through and then another day etc, etc…..

I done something stupid on Monday, lost the shops keys outside the shop after I locked up after work…I rang the boss on Tuesday and asked her to please change at least one front door lock as the key I lost opened every door to the shop…really how dumb and stupid can one person be?…I feel so annoyed with myself…

 I wish so much that my husband was still with me….to tell me to make the bed, or clean the house or do the washing, cook something for dinner or wash up the dishes…I don’t seem to be listening to me at all….instead all I’ve been doing for the past few months when not at work is laying around with no direction in my life…

Christmas is not far away…my youngest son told me he is coming to mine for Christmas Day…it will be the first time is nearly 7 years that I will be with family for Christmas…yet I’m not looking forward to…and I don’t know why….I love my children more then anything so I should be excited and feel some type of happiness…instead I feel nothing…like my heart and soul are non existent..and I’m just living day to day in only an empty body…

Sorry for such a downer of a post…but it’s how I feel right now..

Love and hugs everyone……🩷🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy,

It's so ok to express exactly how you feel right now. I know you mentioned your physical health improving when you had the break from Vinnies and your mental health too in terms of not having to deal with certain customers. Would you say you have felt more depressed since going back? Sometimes our emotions and body give us the answers we need about what is best for us going forward. I know it isn't necessarily straight forward, as I'm sure there are mental health benefits going to work too as you get that contact with other people and are less isolated.

I think living alone is hard. I too struggle just getting through each day a lot of the time. I recently went to the city for a few days and got to see my friend and her little girl. I also stopped at another town on the way home to break up the journey. It really improved how I was feeling but even being back just a day I can feel myself slipping back. I think we do need human connections and also some variety in our lives when it comes to our mental well being. It's important to have the right people around us though who we feel truly comfortable with.

I wonder if there are any other things you might feel able to be a part of locally? I know such things are not always easy to find. I have really struggled in my town to find a sense of belonging. It would be nice for you to meet a gentle person like yourself, maybe someone with fur friends like you. You could have cuppas together and maybe do some dog walks together. I know you have mentioned not liking walking on your own. I wonder if there are any local notice boards with local activities that sound like something you would like?

In terms of not feeling excited about your son visiting at Christmas, that could just be the effect of depression. Depression has this way of taking our joy and life energy so that things we would usually look forward to we find we can't feel anything for them. So I think it's important to be kind and understanding with yourself and know you are just in a real downer at the moment. We are here for you Grandy and listening whenever you want a chat.

Sending you a warm, supportive hug 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Paw Prints]

Hello Dear Grandy,

Oh lass it sounds like beasty depression has it's claws in you & is squeezing so very hard.  You have had a lot of losses to deal with this year & of course that is something to be struggling with.  I can fully understand you are missing Ebony so much & that still having the other two furs doesn't lessen the hurt & sadness.  She held a special place in your life & in your heart.  Lass there is no time table for grief... it lasts as long as it lasts... but it can & will ease with time.  

Then to have the worry about your brother on top of everything else... it's not surprising you are finding it so very hard right now.  Lass remember you have been this low before & it you did get past it & can do so this time.  I know that right now any positive thoughts will have beasty roaring at you not to believe them... please try not to listen to beasty... yes I know that is so very hard right now, but you can do it lass... I believe in you.

I'm wondering if you might find it helpful to talk to your GP about tweaking your meds or putting you back under the outreach care of the local mental health unit.  You did do well while you had the support worker & regular home visits.

I'm going to remind you lass that you are an important person in so many peoples lives... not just on here... but most importantly in real life... you matter.

Gentlest of hugs

Paws

[demonblaster]

Hey our dear Grandy love 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and other amazing friends 💗

Ahh darlin you're really down. It's incredibly hard. Here's as many long loving hugs dear friend it's awful knowing you're hurting so much and well...we've got here so definately thankful for that. 

Such beautiful caring gentle posts from the dear girls 💗 I agree with everything they said so well.
You really have and are having a barrel full. It's been a long continuous run hasn't it which unfortunately does go that way at times.

Especially grieving which for one person is hard enough and above all y/our beloved beautiful soul Ebony. It's just snow balled from there hun aye. 

I really do think that's a very good suggestion to see what help you can get. When we're this low any help can speed up the healing process to get back to being able to cope which you will Grandy I also believe in you and of course beasty says no but if we don't back ourselves I'm learning by thinking further than accepting how we feel this is where we stay.

Nothing easy to that but it seems to get the hope wheels and survival kicking in.

Recently in a chat my counsellor said it doesn't stay this way. For the most it seems true. This helped and saying to myself apart from not wanting to feel like this also a psych said it's my thoughts. Boom. Very true. 

They say we need to hear our thoughts especially in these terrible lows is when  backing ourselves and leading by believing we can and will get through helps a lot.

Dear Ebony and these people haven't had a wasted life, they've made a difference to people like yourself that cared and love them. Major acheivements to give people pleasure and comfort just being themselves just like you do for so many people Grandy love.

Try lovey to forgive yourself with the shop keys, you didn't do it on purpose. 

Darling I'll be back soon and watching here. Talk as much as you can hun you know you have a lot of people care very deeply for many good reasons. 

Be safe beautiful lady sending the deepest love from your bbff 🤗👀✊ pubAok 😘

[Moonstruck]

dear Grandy.....I've never heard you so low and sad....how awful for you my friend who always tries to make me feel better when I am desperately sad and confused.  what can I say to make you feel a bit better? I would probably blame it on the Christmas season knowing me and my disdain for this overdone extravaganza that affects a lot of people in negative and despairing ways......I know you must love your son..he is coming to see you...hold on tight to that. You will be feeling better once you see him and your heart and soul will come into clear view again.  I do understand the way you describe your emotions just now....so try and get a tiny bit of comfort and healing from just knowing that one person...one person at least....understands what you are saying. Love and hugs from me to you Grandy....that way I know I will get hugs and love in return...which I need, big time.....Moon s.   xxxxxxxx