Dear Grandy,
Firstly yes, I do know what you mean when you say that you just agreed on Thursday, rather than cause conflict. One day, I hope we will both learn to stand up for ourselves and have the confidence to tell people what we want and how we feel. Hard, I know. But one day ............. ❤️
I'm glad your psychiatrist was not angry with you, and nor should he have been. Frustration comes I guess from them wanting to do the best for you and having a desire to see progress. And if that isnt happening, then he could become frustrated. Perhaps as much with himself in being unable to help you, as with you.
If you are not happy with the meds you're on, and you dont feel they're helping, then of course you should tell him. It should have had a beneficial effect by now, if it was going to. Seemingly it hasnt, so there is nothing to be gained by continuing on it. There are alternatives, and hopefully the next one will work and is less inclined to promote weight gain. Weight is a very legitimate concern, and the MH professionals know and understand that. So dont feel afraid or bad in telling them your thoughts on this.
As for the decision you have to make about seeing your psychologist again, after whats happened in the past. Thats a tough one, and as you said, noone else can make this decision for you. But it may help to get others thoughts on it, so you can compare your own ideas and try to determine if your reluctance is valid or not.
I do not want to influence your decision however, so I am just telling you what my thoughts and actions may be if I were in your situation.
Firstly, please do not run away! It will achieve nothing. As for not being smart at living? With your background and experience Grandy, you havent ever had the chance to live, not had the chance to make decisions for yourself, your power to decide was taken away. You havent yet even experienced true living! Thats something for you to still strive for, a treat remaining for you to look forward to.
My immediate thought would be immense hurt. I'd then feel angry and abandoned, very much like you. I can be stubborn, and would make the decision that there is no way I'm ever going back. But Grandy, you have explained there are no alternatives to this psych. To not go back is to hurt you, and to set back the progress you have already made. Once I settled down I would likely decide to go .. stuff 'em, out of spite I'd go. Just remember you're going for YOU, not to please THEM.
Amanda 💜
