Hello Deebi, Amanda, Peppy and all.
Yesterday was not a good day at all.
I really struggled to go to work yesterday, with very little sleep lately with my mind in overdrive. I had an appointment with my gp late morning to get back my blood test results..My psych saw me sitting down, she approached me and said don't forget we have a 4pm appointment..She was all smiley, like I seen her just last week and not over 4 months ago...My gp called me in, I tried to stayed glued. I got my results back...not good at all..High cholesterol, high sugar, Then talked about glands, ear, and jaw which has been aching on & off and my bursitis as it's getting really bad and so painful in bed and on walking... Have to go to bigger town for X-rays, This will be hard to do, I haven't been further then work for nearly 2 years..😢..I don't know how I'll go...here.
Okay Psych..I...Yeah...hard..I am a huge dissapointment to myself..but then again that's me...I don't know what happened but turns out everything was my fault...it's my fault Psych cancelled my appoint in March..Its my fault she didn't ring me back.... my fault that my mhn,gp, and psychiatrist had to keep emailing her.
She lied to me, and after a few minutes I agreed with the lie and that it was all my fault because she was looking annoyed, upset and I didn't want to hurt her feelings....How pathetic, weak and just no words to describe how empty headed I am..... My Mind, thoughts, words are never mine..oh I was angry with my psych before I went to see her, I was going to speak my mind...yeah...I like always as soon as I hear a certain tone in a voice I run away and hide in that little space in my mind that's safe.
After 45 minutes of me listening to her talk about a different type of therapy, I agreed to fortnightly appointments, then got in my car and just kept driving, trying to get rid of that trapped in my brain feeling..I drove a couple of hours then stopped and rugged up..I keep blankets in my car in case I come across injured wildlife..and just sat there looking into the blackness, until I remembered my little dogs needed feeding...I got home around midnight and sat up crying until Deebi posted asking to talk to someone...We helped each other.
My hubby was right, he always was, I now believe him....he always said that I was useless at life and if he wasn't around I wouldn't survive because I'm to much of a coward, and how useless I am when I try to do things without him..How so right he was.
Hugs,
Grandy..
