Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hey there our beautiful appreciated dear friend to many 😀🤗 and to y/our lovelies here to reading or in presence 💗

Darling Grandy it's SOOO good to see you, well hear you...well you know what I mean aye 😆. 
I knew the horrible stuff at the shop would have a big impact which is totally understandable poor love. 
Well done getting on to some counselling hun. It's a process isn't it. 
Yes the spiralling thoughts are very hard work. I guess the mind trying to help us come to terms with what happened which is so hard until we know how to do that which I'm hopeful the counselling will be of benefit.
It's good hearing you're having some moments of seeing some light and hope which are both essential for healing. It sounds like you're finding your way even if in patches it's a positive start. 

Wow and a support worker being there for you is sounding fantastic too. That's that beautiful Grandy we all know and love feeling for them being bored. That's ok hun they're getting paid for it and whether they realise or not they're seeing another area of life which I think is a good thing at the same time helping our precious you. 

I'm being a lil negative here but about time they opened their eyes to looking after you girls there. On that note great they have, that'd be a good comfort and also ease the burden lifting the heavy bags. 

I was wondering how the rest of your bodies behaving now days Grandy, the shoulders I often think of and mean to ask and your hip area and feet?.

I'm in slow recovery from a pretty rough back out needing strong meds which I don't like taking with pain as most of us know is very taxing mentally and physically affecting sleep which tends to bring on negative thinking. 
If I can get around to it I'm going to make a big list of all good parts of my life as a psych once advised me in extreme poor MH which helped enough to lift a bit. It's very hard in downs to think of good times or even future activities.
Remembering goods can trigger even a little happiness which is not only a break from our minds but a distraction too.

Grandy darling you've been having a really hard time. I'm sure pretty much everyone would understand how difficult it can be to post. In your own time honeyheart.

I so often think about your verandah and our stars at yours. The display sounds spectacular hun. And of course the birdies oh what a pleasure although I will say as much as we love the Currawong sound when there's a few it's hands over ears. 
Think the butcher and Maggies are amongst the best I've heard. Magic.

I'll be keeping an eye on you precious friend as always darlin. 
Always wishing good for you in my thoughts and sending much love dear friend. 

Thanks for letting us know how you're going too lovey. 

Cya and everyone 🤗👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩👀💜💫

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy, Deebi, Paws and Everyone,

I'm really glad you have reached out for some support Grandy. It's lovely to hear from you. It's so understandable, like Deebi says, that you feel vulnerable about the shop and really good that there is support there for you now. It's definitely a process working through these things but it feels like, from what you say, you are easing back into things gradually.

It's so okay to only post when you feel up to it. Also, please don't worry about supporting others when you are here. If all you need to do is just express your feelings about how you are going, that is perfectly fine and you don't need to feel obligated to help others. By all means do if it helps you, but don't feel any pressure. You have done so much to help others and we are here to help and support you.

Deebi, I really hope the back pain eases soon. I know pain can be so trying and test our mental health. Grandy, I hope the pain things you have been dealing with are doing better too. 

I loved hearing about the beautiful birds Deebi. We get the Grey Butcher Birds here, but while travelling two years ago I heard the Pied Butcher Birds and I found them especially beautiful. Another of my favourite bird calls is the Grey Shrike Thrush which we get here. It is so melodious and resonant.

Sending you warm hugs Grandy, and Deebi and Paws too 🤗

Take care,

ER

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

I've been thinking a lot about you & wondering how you are lass.  I do know how sometimes we get into a mind space where it is too hard to post, the words won't come or even if they do, often they just seem a jumble & not worth hitting enter on.

I just wanted to pop in & remind you that you do matter very much lass & you are missed.  I hope your furs are keeping you on your toes & providing lots of doggy love.

Biggest 🐻 hug

Paws

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Eagle Ray, Paws and everyone….🤗🩷🌹..

Sorry it’s been a while since I posted, I haven’t been very well physically, which has impacted my mh…for well over a couple of months now, I’ve been totally exhausted from coughing…thinking it was my asthma playing up, I let it go…until my Cardiologist heard a lot of crackling in my lungs….and suggested to my Dr to get me a CT scan asap…that asap took  over 2 months to even get an appointment with my gp…

Got the CT done and the results came back as “Pulmonary fibrosis” which is a terminal illness, it can be either a slow or fast progressing disease, depending on many factors and the cause of the disease, which is from, long term exposure to asbestos, mould, dust, chemicals..all except for mould, I’ve had long term exposure to, growing up in asbestos houses, working years in a paper napkin manufacturing factory, harsh cleaning chemicals, over the years with bike/car restoration…had a huge amount of blood tests done to try to find out the cause, won’t know until February next year, what those tests reveal….so many things we do in our younger days can be  detrimental for our older age….

Trying to accept my diagnosis and continue as normal as possible is hard, I have to tell my children, but how?   

I stop working at Christmas, I decided that I don’t want to be nursing a constantly sore back, hips and legs as well as whatever else I’ll be going through with this illness…

Not looking for sympathy by disclosing, but maybe for some support if I need it at times…

Sending my love, with some hugs for everyone….🤗🩷🌹..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy…

[Paw Prints]

Dearest Grandy,

Of course your friends here will give you all the love & support we can.  This must be a worrying time for you as you learn to navigate this disease & it's effects.  

As for telling your sons, it will be hard for you as you are still trying to take it all in yourself.  Remember they do love you & will want to know about this.  Try explaining it to them as you have explained it to us here, from having the cough, then the tests & then the diagnosis etc.  It is ok to do it over the phone lass if that is worrying you.  Remind them & yourself that it is early days & there probably be lots of questions you will all have & that it is ok to take the time to let it sink in.  Lass it won't get any easier by putting off telling them, in fact it will just make it harder, so hold in your thoughts how much you would want them to tell you if they had this & give them a call.  

I'm always here lass if you want to talk or to lose ourselves in a bit of fantasy with some pet dragons.

Love & big  🐻 hugs

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy and Everyone,

Grandy, I’m really sorry to hear of the diagnosis. From what I’ve read of pulmonary fibrosis, the progression can be slowed in some cases and the symptoms managed, but I realise it is a lot to take in, and it sounds like you have a bit of a wait until February to get a sense of where things are at from the tests. I agree with Paws that it’s important for your sons to know so they can support you and know what is happening for you. You could start by telling one of them and then have him tell the others, if that’s easier (I can’t remember how many children you have). It’s important for you to not carry the load of the diagnosis alone and allow family to be there for you. I think those of us with past trauma issues can so often not want to bother anyone (when in fact we’re not a bother at all), like we don’t reach out for support even when we most need it. You are such a beautiful person Grandy and you deserve the kindest support and love. We will certainly listen to you here and support you 💖💗🌸

Take care and let us know how you’re going and feeling whenever you want to.

Love and hugs,

ER

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, Eagle Ray, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone……🤗🩷🌹…

Thank you so much for your posts, I really do appreciate them…

I decided I will tell my children in February, when I know more…it’s Christmas soon and I want them to enjoy Christmas with their family without me burdening them with my problems…and them fussing over me…

Yes Eagle Ray, my respiratory specialist has said that the disease can be lowed down, but the side effects of treatment can make me really sick and I could loose a lot of quality of life….Its something that I will discuss with my specialist more in February I guess…I’m waiting on an appointment date at the respiratory clinic in the big hospital for more tests….my oxygen saturation level hovers around 85-78 which is well below what it should be…which makes me extremely tired….

I don’t think I’m afraid of what’s ahead for me….time will tell I suppose…I have known for nearly a month now and I was just feeling very tired and so alone when I posted this here….In a way I’m sorry I did, because burdening others is something I don’t like doing….Then in the other way, I feel a bit lighter by posting….

I did work Saturday, then slept when I got home…will be working tomorrow and a few more Saturdays and Mondays until the shop closes for Christmas…Then I’m not going back ever…hopefully they will find more volunteers to take my place…if not, I am not going to worry about it anymore….I have a lot off things I want to do here at home….just need to motivate myself first to do them 😂..

I hope everyone had a good weekend…I really wish it would rain here, my grass has turned to dust and my fur girls just love rolling in the dead grass and running inside full of dust🙃..

Lots of hugs, love and care everyone…🤗🩷🌷.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Hello Dear Grandy and Everyone 🤗💗

Grandy, it sounds like you are handling things quite well. Please don’t feel sorry for sharing what is happening here. We are here to support you and it’s times like these where reaching out on a support forum can be a really good thing to do. I’m glad if you at least feel a bit lighter for doing it.

I wonder if there are some medicines your doctor could recommend to soothe the throat and cough? I was just reading that breathing exercises can be helpful and even music therapy. I remember that Croix has COPD which also affects the lungs, so I’m sure he’d have a lot of empathy for you Grandy. I have a disease that can lead to fibrosis and cirrhosis of the liver and it can co-occur with pulmonary fibrosis, so I’m a bit familiar with pulmonary fibrosis. I was on the edge of liver fibrosis when I did some gut microbiome testing and then was started on supplements which reversed me out of it and normalised my liver readings. I just looked up gut microbiome research in relation to pulmonary fibrosis and read that it’s a new and promising area of research, so I wonder if something like that may be able to help you too.

Yes, I think it’s good if you can no longer worry about work if you know you want to leave. It’s important you get to focus on what you really want to do. Their staffing issues are definitely not your problem to worry about.

If it feels better to wait until February to tell your children about it, then I guess you will have more knowledge then to share about things. But if you ever feel like it would help to share with them, please don’t hesitate as I think they’d want to know and be able to help and support you. I  am remembering when they bought you a washing machine. I know they would care and would want to be there for you in ways that they can.

Anyway, take good care Grandy. I’m glad you’ve got your fur girls around, even if they are bringing dust inside 🙈

Lots of love and hugs to you and everyone 🤗💕🥰