Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Eagle Ray, Paws, mmMekitty, and everyone…..🤗..

Sorry I haven’t been here very much over the past 3 weeks….most of my town is grieving the loss of 3 beautiful people..1 lovely lady 2 weeks ago, a kind gentleman last week and 3 days ago another gentleman….all unrelated incidents…I attended a funeral in our local progress hall today…next week another funeral also in the local progress hall….I’m beginning to think this town is jinxed….

I was abused last week at work by a very regular customer who I have always been kind to and helped many times…I am over being abused for volunteering myself and have decided and told management that I’m leaving….I’ve given them 2 weeks notice, that means I’m not returning to work after I get back from visiting my children….I am slowly loosing faith in human kindness….When someone wants something from me they are kind, but when I can’t help them, the way they want me to..then I am just nothing but someone to be yelled at, and sweared to and made to feel embarrassed and stupid in front of my work colleagues and customers ….it’s happening to much lately at work….I’m done!…finished with having to interact with other people….I don’t feel safe at work anymore…

My best r/l friend Betty* has skin cancer on most of her face and she was told that they can’t do much for her…(not life threatening as yet)…but they will try skin grafts early next year…not sure what that involves though…Betty* was very vague when she told me…I’m scared for her…

Thank you all for your caring posts….Learning to live without Ebony is getting easier…I was looking at some videos I took of her over the years…and remembered how mischievous and happy she was throughout her short life…

Kind thoughts, love and hugs everyone…🦋🩷🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy.

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

Oh lass I so want to give you a comforting hug.

No you shouldn't have to put up with nasty customers, unfortunately it seems to be happening to shop staff everywhere these days.  People like that need to take a good hard look at themselves.  I hope you can still continue with the welfare side of Vinnies as it does do you good to get out of the house.

Of course you are scared about Betty's skin cancer, that is a perfectly natural reaction for you to have on hearing that news.  Those of us who are old enough tend to remember the bad old days of cancer diagnosis automatically have that reaction, but we need to remind ourselves that these days so many cancers are treatable & we can be much more positive about the outcomes.

Lass I'm so pleased you can now watch the videos you have of Ebony & remember the joy of those times.  I can look at Woofa's photos & the one very brief video I have of him & remember his daftness with more chuckles than tears now.  I'm sure Ebony would be delighted you are enjoying her shenanigans.

I hope you will be at your sons soon & can spend some time surrounded by those who love & care for you.  You are such a beautiful soul & deserve to be loved.

More hugs

Paws

[Eagle Ray]

Hello dear Grandy and Everyone 🤗

I’m so sorry to hear about all those losses happening in your town and also that you had that rude behaviour at the shop and then also the uncertainty about Betty too. Being a sensitive and caring person you will be feeling it all so much.

Perhaps one good thing about the shop is you are finding an assertiveness to say, no, I don’t wanted to be treated this way. I know for years I’d take bad treatment from people passively and not know how to assert my boundary to protect myself from such treatment. I also understand very well about people who are nice to you when they are getting what they want from you but become hostile or difficult when you can’t give them what they want. I’ve had friendships like this and I’ve moved away from them now because they were always conditional on me serving the other person the exact way they wanted and I’ve learned that’s not a real friendship. In customer service it’s so difficult as you have to deal with the customers no matter what their behaviour is like. I think it’s so important not to take on their bad energy. Perhaps you can visualise giving that back to them as it is not yours to carry, it’s their stuff.

I understand it’s particularly upsetting when you are volunteering for a charity. Years ago I was trying something on in a change room at an op shop. There was a customer I could hear being so rude to a worker in the shop over the pricing of an item that she thought should be two dollars less based on the shop signage. The worker was explaining the item had been moved by someone to the wrong section. The customer was extremely rude and threatening to complain to a manager. I wish I had come out of the change room to tell her off for making such a fuss, in a charity of all places! These days I’m getting more assertive and I think I’d actually do that, calmly but assertively.

I know you feel you are losing faith in human kindness, but try to remember there are always kind people out there. It’s just the bad experiences tend to loom large for us when they happen and can overshadow the good people and experiences. As Paws mentions, you may be able to continue with the welfare side of things, even if you don’t continue at the shop. Have a think about what makes you feel happiest and what feels rewarding.

Thinking of Betty, my mum had many skin cancers removed, mostly on her face. She had over 50 skin cancer operations. There is something called Mohs surgery she had which is less invasive. They just take small bits at a time and test them as they go and it minimises any scarring. My mum also had to have skin grafts at one stage too which were more major. They took skin from her thighs and grafted it to her face. It’s not fun at all but the technologies for the procedures have gotten better over time. If they are basal cell carcinomas, as long as they are removed the person is usually fine. It’s just the unpleasantness of having to have it done. I hope with Betty it is something like that where she’s ok as long as they’re removed. Sending a supportive hug to Betty 🤗

I’m glad you are enjoying those videos of Ebony and seeing how happy and mischievous she was 🥰 I’m sure that is a comfort. Take good care lovely Grandy and know you are a lovely good person who deserves good things 🤗💕

Hugs,

Eagle Ray

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, Eagle Ray and everyone….🤗..

The lady that yelled and swore at me…I couldn’t believe how much she changed….I discounted her a lot after she abused me about the prices and was very argumentative about some shirts…they were brand new and a very costly brand name….(I got into trouble for doing that)…my way of looking at things is…they are all donated, any sale we get is benefiting the charity and community because it’s 100% profit for the charity…

She came back earlier this week and wanted a huge discount on a beautiful antique China Cabinet that came in….Clothes are not itemised in the shops stock but furniture is….I just can’t do that…she exploded so much at me….calling me some very horrible names, while customers were in the shop….I felt totally degraded and not human at all….I just can’t do it anymore….unless they allow me to work outback, which I doubt very much because they can’t get volunteers to work the shop….then I did my last day on Tuesday…

My trip has been postponed for a week, or maybe even 2…my car didn’t start after work one day after work last week….I thought I needed a battery..so I bought one…but it still didn’t start, a tow to the mechanics, a new starter motor and just over a $1,000.00 later, my car is now working and my holiday money is gone🥲…I will still go but a bit later then I planned…I dislike going without enough money to take my grandchildren out to the movies or somewhere else entertaining for them….What else is going to go wrong in my life?.

I’m not sure if I will continue with the welfare side….I haven’t been given a job* I just go to the meeting sitting silently feeling really dumb…There are only 6 members in the conference where I work and for the past 12+ years the same 2 members do all the welfare work…so what’s the point or use of me sitting their once a month to listen to talk I don’t understand…

I don’t know anymore what direction my life is headed for…right now it looks very bleak and filled with uncertainty…Volunteers are only used for the organisation’s gain….and get absolutely nothing from management….not even support when we get abused…only told to not take it personally….how can /I we not take it personally when it’s directed towards me/us….That customer took away from me more then she will ever know…

Hugs everyone…

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy,

I totally understand why you are feeling so discouraged right now. It’s just a few too many things. One way of looking at that rude customer is that she’s someone with a lot of toxic stuff inside of her to treat you that way, and you are so much the kinder, better person Grandy. She must be an agitated, miserable person internally to bully you over the prices of items in a charity store. I know it’s really hard right now, but see if you can remember some of the kind, positive interactions with customers you have had over the years and let those good memories nourish you. Sometimes the bad things stick to us which is very understandable because I think we go into self-protection, not wanting to have more bad experiences.

I’m so sorry to hear about your car too and having to delay your trip. My car is not starting on and off because of an issue with the car’s computer scanning the engine sensor properly apparently, so I know how stressful that can be. I’m glad your car is at least running again but it’s really frustrating being $1000 out of pocket. I don’t know if there is any regional bus or train service that can get you to your family? In any case, it will still be something to look forward to when you finally get there. I guess you may want your car when there so you can take the grandkids out to some places.

I wonder if there is somewhere else you might be able to be a volunteer without dealing with difficult customers? One place I have volunteered at before is a public library. It was basically shelving books so not much task variety. But I loved seeing the kids books and sometimes you get to help a little kid find a book. Or maybe you just need a break for a while to reflect on everything and figure out what you might like to do going forward.

Whatever the case, take good care Grandy and we are here for you anytime you need to share and say how you are feeling.

Sending you a supportive hug 🤗💕

ER

[Paw Prints]

Dear Grandy,

Oh lass the last thing you needed on top of everything else was your car breaking down.  I'm so sorry you have had to postpone your trip, but of course you want to be able to do things with your grandkids so postponing is sensible.  

I think for now just focus on your upcoming trip & leave worrying about what the future holds until you get back.  After spending some time with people who love you, you will hopefully be in a better head space & can then ponder what you might like to do & whether you even want to continue in the welfare side.  There is no rush for you to decide anything.  Browsing the web page volunteers nsw might give you some options which don't involve having to deal with nasty people.  There are also lots of citizen science projects which you might like trying, some are one off, some annual & some just whenever you can.  A lot of them are nature based, which gets you out of the house & most of the contact is only online/messaging.

Have you found out what is happening with the paddock opposite you yet?  I hope it is nothing more than the pasture being worked over to improve it.  

Gentle hugs

Paws

[demonblaster]

Dear dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜 and beautiful friends 💗

Hey darlin I just read Mondays entry and your update today. 
I check to see if you’ve posted on the emails, it’s possible in blaghh headspace I miss yours but do check the headings each time. Dunno lovey but I feel bad if I’m not here for you sooner so often. 
You know your in my thoughts so much and lately interestingly there’s been stronger thoughts and look what’s going on geez darlin I really am sorry you’re going through so much. It’s really hard yakka. You’re certainly due for a good run crikey it’s been one thing after the other poor soul.

Sweety love I need to come down more atm so just popped in for you to know I’m listening and love you very much dear girl 🤗 and that’ll never change it just grows deeper 💗

I’ll be back soon Grandy love.

🌈💜🌈🕊️🌈💗🌈🌸🦋🌈🙂🌈

[Fiatlux]

Hi Grandy and all the beautiful friends who visit this post,

I have missed you all and the wonderful discussions we have here. Just reading through your posts has made me feel better. I hope you are all well! 

It has been a couple of challenging months for me and I finally feel well enough to catch up with everyone.

Late August I finally hit rock bottom and was forced to get help otherwise I don’t know if I’d survived through to September. All medical issues which I am still recovering from. 

Unfortunately, I’m alone and have nobody to call upon for help. 

A short stint in hospital made me aware of just how alone I am. The hospital system is so overwhelmed that although most staff are doing their best, I feel that I really wasn’t taken seriously by some.

My GP sent me immediately to Hospital and I  was initially told to go home as there’s nothing wrong with me. They even laughed at me and told me to get a new GP.

I arrived home at about 8pm that night, had a bit to eat and was about to go to bed when the hospital called me and asked me to return immediately that night. It appears that they received some alarming test results and felt obligated to provide me with treatment after all. Anyway 3 blood transfusions later, I had improved only slightly.

The emergency department was an awful experience and it was exhausting. I’m not normally one to complain but some staff appeared to be avoiding me. The nurse who was assigned to me was missing in action. It was their last week at the hospital and was performing her duties with very little care. My requests for help were falling on deaf ears. 

I spent a couple of nights in a hospital ward and the care was amazing. A little disorganised but still a big improvement from my experience in emergency.

It’s now September 27 and I am still waiting on a follow up from the hospital again. I may have to go back to the GP as I still have no diagnosis or treatment plan. I’m very concerned about getting very sick again. I’m about 50% back to my old self. 

I hope you are all keeping well. Have a wonderful weekend wherever you are. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Grandy, Paws, Deebi, Fiatlux and All,

Grandy, I’m so sorry that lady behaved as she did. Please try to know she is the one with issues, not you. I sent you a reply yesterday that hasn’t appeared and have no response from modsupport after emailing them, so apologies if I repeat myself with a message that may appear later.

One thing I mentioned was some volunteer work I did in a library. It was mostly shelving books, mostly kids books. It was a peaceful, friendly environment and sometimes I got to help a little kid with something. I just wonder if there is some kind of similar opportunity for you that doesn’t involve cash handling which I know can be stressful at times. You deserve to be in a kind, supportive environment. I know here in WA there are programs for helping kids with reading and writing too in schools where you do things like sit with a child and help them with their reading and writing and give them some moral support. I’m just trying to think of a few volunteer options that will allow you to feel part of something in what may hopefully feel like a more rewarding environment.

But I also think Paws is right to not worry about what the future holds and just allow yourself to look forward to the trip. I know it’s disappointing to have to delay it. It’s very frustrating. Cars are such expensive things. I did wonder if it’s possible for you to go by bus and/or train to your family, but realise you may want your own car to take the grandkids to places. Take good care Grandy and sending you a supportive hug 🤗 

Fiatlux, I’m sorry you’ve had those health issues. It sounds strange that they’ve done blood transfusions but you haven’t been given a diagnosis or treatment plan.  I think it would be a good idea to return to your GP who can hopefully decipher what is going on and to have an idea of treatment options going forward.

Emergency departments do operate in crisis mode a lot of the time. It happened when my dad was dying in hospital and it was about 6 hours before we had a doctor even come to talk with us - and we had to go out of our way to ask for that doctor while sitting with our unconscious dad. The doctor seemed like he’d never dealt with a dying patient before and was trying to follow some kind of protocol in a confused way. I think it’s important to recognise the system doesn’t work as it should a lot of the time. I’m glad you at least had a good experience on the non-emergency ward. 

Medical uncertainty is challenging but I think it helps if you can focus on this moment now and not worry about the future too much. I know easier said than done. I’ve got a biopsy for possible breast cancer coming up soon but I find if I focus on finding ways to enjoy and be immersed in the present moment I can at least temporarily forget any concerns. Yesterday I walked around town for a bit and visited a favourite beach at sunset. I also spent time patting the cat I’m looking after which is calming and comforting. I think it can help your health outcomes too. Take care and I hope you get some helpful medical support soon.

Hugs 🤗 

ER

[Fiatlux]

Hi Grandy and everyone here and thank ER for your support,

I wanted to address the issue Grandy faced with a very rude customer recently.

I am finding that people are getting more and more angry. I am putting this down to financial stress. Charities where I am are overwhelmed by the number of people who are struggling and asking for support. And these are people who are still working. It scares me when I do grocery shopping for a household of 3 and my son buys a lot of his own food, and wonder how I could afford this if I wasn’t working. 

Grandy, I feel so terrible for you. You are not a counseling service for others to vent upon. 

A few years back, I helped a young family out, but giving them some of our furniture when we were moving house. It was really good furniture that my children had aged out of. I was going to donate it but found a family who was in need. I learnt shortly after, that they had in fact sold my furniture add their poor babies were sleeping on mattresses on the floor. I also gave them the mattresses. I was relieved that they kept the mattresses for their children.

ER, I hope your biopsy results are good. 🙏🏼

I am also waiting on biopsy results. I did call the hospital last week as I was supposed to be getting a phone call from them to book a follow up, but that hasn’t happened so I called them, only to be told that I was on a waiting list. So basically, don’t call us, we’ll call you! 

Have a great week everyone and look forward to catching up. Fiatlux 🙏🏼