Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy

I only have a moment as I'm off to bed, but can you look back at your younger self with compassion and some pride? She's a survivor.

If you can be compassionate towards other people, then try to extend that same compassion towards yourself.

Don't distain or dislike your younger self:she needs your love and compassion. She simply did the best she could to survive.

If you met a young woman in that situation today, wouldn't you try to understand and support her? Of course you would. So please do the same to yourself. 💖

[demonblaster]

Hey there our gorgeous friend 👩‍❤️‍👩 and every lovely person ☺

From an incredibly young age dear Grandy you've been treated so terribly.

And yet a beautiful good natured kind caring lady with so much kindness compassion and empathy emerged through those constant horrors.

Yes Croixy I agree and have said often to our beautiful friend here they didn't win. Grandy did! You didn't let them taint your Gold dear love. You are such a beautiful person 🤗

I love what y/our lovely friends here have said hun. You did what you had to for survival. Smart I reckon and at an early age you without maybe realising it you were defending yourself as you do now by not escalating an already hard bad situation. Lovey you found other ways to defend yourself 💜

So that dear little girl back then really is your best friend sweety. She got you through such terrible times and kept her integrity. Pretty amazing I say. It's good hearing you acknowledge some of your goods 💗

Always you're in my thoughts beautiful friend. It's so easy to love you so much. YAdimh sss pubAok sweetyheart besty 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

Sweety I often wonder too how your physical healths going too. Hoping the gearts behaving. Was thinking about a while back something in your nose/sinuses? too. Often think too about your poor hip/bursitis. Worry about you Floss

Sending you warmth 🌞 hope theres some more sun for you huns with a little warmth heard you saying 💜🗯🍫 and eternal besty- ness. You mean the world to me dear lady 🕊

Look after you too gorjy love 🤗😚💗

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Croix, Hanna, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩and everyone...🤗..

Thank you so much for your very caring posts and your understanding...

Croix, Deebi...I never looked at it the way you wrote your thoughts out here to me...

Yes if I did argue back...it would have been so much worse...I was afraid to speak up to him... maybe it was more my survival instincts kicking in and knew I had to just “take it” that caused that fear in me....Maybe I was who I am now but hid it so well back then...
Looking back I had so much love for my children...yet didn’t display that love in front of my husband...The reason was he was jealous of the connection I had with them and they had with me....No one has any idea of the hurt...the deep inner hurt I must have caused them....How can I give my former self any type of compassion?...Okay..I done what I had to, to survive...I done the best I could at that time...Now I’m looking back into it all....I am not happy with that part of me.....even though I done my best...I don’t want to think back or acknowledge that part of me....


Deebi...it makes sense to me.... “ Smart, I reckon at an early age, you without even reading it you were defending yourself as you do now by not escalating an already hard bad situation”...Croix...“ I’ve been thinking on what you said and have come to the conclusion that you have not been beaten - the original person still shines through”...I’m trying to look at it the way both of you have said to me....thank you both so very much....

I live each day as it comes....and do what I want/need to do.....some days are happy days...some days are sad days....but I am living in the here and now...the best I can.....I don’t think about the hard times anymore..if I’m triggered back into them....that’s different then that’s something that I do try hard to manage..sometimes I win...sometimes I loose...but I do get up and mostly bounce back into the present time again...

Thank you all again for your kindness and care....and things to think over...You all mean so much to me...

Deebi...physically my health is okay..hips ouchy (bursitis)...hurts a lot...I know I need to get back into bed because the lounge doesn’t help at all...Big soul love to you bbff...💙🧸🤗...pubaok...yadimh 24/7 💭..

My care, love and hugs to everyone..🦋💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🕊🌿🌳..

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy

I said your husband was taunting you and trying to get you to get angry back at him so he would have an excuse to attack you in my reply below Croix if you look. I think you have missed it.

I'm sorry if my other suggestion has upset you, I can only do the best I can at trying to help you. I just felt you were being hard on your younger self.

[Ggrand]

Dear Hanna"..🤗,

I am really sorry....that I missed your post..and also thank you as well as all the others for your very caring , kind and insightful post to me...I think..that was he was trying to as I look back....your words have helped me to see that was what he was trying to.....Thank you so much..

I think he loved to argue...his friends knew how to handle him though.....maybe because they were men, better physic then him so he was wary of getting into a fight....One Christmas a year after he kicked our son out,...My son rang early Christmas morning and asked me if he could spend Christmas with us...I said yes...I was so excited and looking forward to it so much...When he turned up my husband was nice at first...I told him them to sit down while I make a coffee for us...while I was making that coffee, out of nowhere my husband physically attacked him....I stepped inbetween him and my son and unfortunately was in the line of his (my husband’s) violence....This is his son...only 17 years old....He left in tears, with an injury that required surgery.....I will never forget the look of shock, disbelief and hurt that I saw in my sons eyes that day...

This all happened because my husband wanted to go out on his own that day.....I had suggested earlier that it was Christmas Day and we should spend it as a family....No he didn’t want my son to spend the day with me and his brother at home alone together...I should have packed my bags that day...anyone else would have...but no not me...Like the dutiful wife that I was I stayed home and cooked a Christmas dinner for when he got home...pathetic me...

No, no lovely Hanna, you didn’t upset me at all...just to give you an example I discoed one incident above....It’s just one reason why my younger self should not be even thought about...she hurt the ones she loved so much when I should have been protecting them...

I thank God, that now both my sons and I have now reconnected and have a nice loving and caring relationship with each other....So many years wasted...

Just to let you know...I’m okay...A couple of years ago, both my eldest son and I talked through this incident, when something triggered his memory of that day...

Hugs everyone...with my love and care..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...

[mmMekitty]

Hi Grandy, with ❤️❤️❤️❤️,

You get me thinking, & that's okay. I'm learning so much from you & others here.

I'm going to write offline, & maybe post in my own thread, because I'm getting tangled up in what I feel about my own younger selves, rather than thinking from your perspective.

Here & now, you are a wonderful, kind, generous, & compassionate person. These qualities shine through & so brightly, so beautiful. Maybe youare a golden yellow butterfly?

If you want, I have big hugs for you. 😺

mmMekitty

[Hanna3]

Hi Grandy

It's terribly difficult for a woman to leave a violent husband - where would you have gone back then - and how would you have been able to pack anything, your husband would have noticed... my friend here who has the abusive husband has given him the entire house and moved away... it's what he always wanted. He married her when she was in her fifties and he was in his thirties - he saw a woman he could easily dominate who owned property (he wanted the house and money). These men choose their partners carefully - your husband would not have chosen a strong minded, independent woman as she would have threatened him.

We can look back on ourselves after years of life experience and we'd do so many things differently - I wish I had spoken back to my mother more - but I remember whenever I did, her rages would get even worse, so I learned to keep quiet and hold my anger back. I wish now I hadn't, but I understand when I was a young girl I didn't have the knowledge and experience i have now.

It's been so cold here lately with no sunshine - maybe a few minutes in the afternoons - I am a bit over being this cold all the time and the house is freezing. Poor Sam is still quite unwell from the sepicaemia and I am still dealing with the wretched gastro that won't go away - I am sure the cold and lack of sunshine aren't helping.

Poor Rosemary next door - her elderly husband had a stroke recently, on top of the cancer he has - she is now washing and dressing and feeding him - she looks so tired... I wish there was more I could do for her... he has a very faithful wife.

The days are so short now, it seems to be evening and we haven't done much - I went to the library today and chatted with the nice staff there, and got a couple of books out - now I'm going to get an early dinner and settle down for the evening. How are you managing with the increased prices of groceries and everything? It's difficult on a pension. The more affordable op shop here is always busy, I have spoken to people who now avoid the expensive op shop!

Hugs from us here to you there oxoxoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello mmMeKitty, Hanna, Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 and everyone...

How true you speak Hanna....We do look back and think how much differently we could have handle that situation...When things happen in a blink of an eye...we can only do what first comes to our mind....

I am sure the intoxicated man in the shop a couple of weeks back..must have triggered a few unpleasant memories for me....That started my mind ticking again about different things that happened to me.....it’s so hard to bring myself back into living for today....Without these triggers popping up..I think I would be okay most of the time...because as I said in an earlier post, I do live each day in the here and now...not thinking about my life prior to husband’s passing..

How sad is it what happened to your friend...I feel deeply sorry for her....I can understand her actions in giving him the house...to get some peace in her life...It’s extremely sad how these people can make it their life’s work to hurt other people intentionally....

I feel really heartbroken for Rosemary...she has a lot to deal with, with her husband so sick...Just letting her know that you are their for her, would I imagine give her some comfort knowing that...

Work today was good...one of the ladies brought in some scones, jam and cream for morning tea...also seems at lunchtime or morning tea a lot more customers come into the shop...One customer today brought in her teeny weeny little puppy...and bought some baby clothes for her....She got the giggles when she found a small baby’s growth suit that was made to look like a little frog...she tried it on her puppy and we all started giggling together...she looked so sweet....We’ve had a few people bring in little puppies to dress into baby clothes....

Its so cold here, even today, even though the sun was shining their was no warmth at all from it...

I really do hope that everyone reading here had a nice day today...if not then please do remember that tomorrow is a new day....that belongs to you...to do what your beautiful heart desires to do...

My love, care and hugs everyone..💜🦋🤗..

Waves Aunty Deebi...with much l💙ve...and caring 💭 bbff 4eva..yadimh..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy 🕊🌱🌿🌳

[demonblaster]

Hi our dear Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone ☺

I was thinking there could have been a few triggers with the drunk abusive man. Hope you're ok sweetyheart. It'd be quite a lot of hard memories to deal with I'd imagine.

Oh Grandy what awful things went on. My heart goes out to you esp that was so sad that Xmas. Geez what a hard disturbed man and has left such terrible memories.

It was really good reading your eldest talked with you about that. I imagine it would have been a hard conversation but hopefully put a lot of pain to maybe not rest but eased it a bit.

How gorgeous hearing about work and those dear wee doggies all snugged up in baby clothes. Love hearing things are going well at times at work. Sounds like people are enjoying going there. That's a lot down to you sweety lady 🤗

I think it was your ear hun ? That you had/have some nasty stuff going on. I feel for your physical health and of course mh dear Grandy love. It's incredibly hard yakka isnt it.

Feel sorry for you and others living in such brutal weather conditions. Brrr. I'll have to revive my needles and get knitting... oh oh did I tell you I've been working on knitting one handed 🤣 not quite as quick ...only got a jumper done in 13.687 seconds but the needles still were quite warm.

I've quite often been thinking about your gorjy 🎁 lovey it's coming along quite well. Sorry it's taking a year to put together but the good is it'll happen.

Grandy you have no idea how much comfort I have thinking 🗯 about you and having such a beautiful bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩 in my life.

I'm so glad we met. What a lovely friendship 💜

Ok sweety here's hoping this batch of 🌞 has some warmth in it but in case not I've put long lasting love which is 4 evs anyway ... oh and a you beaut heater in our hug 🤗 which'll last till I master your pweddy huggly blanky and of course pick up all those stitches ....oopsy they're everywhere. I'll just grab a broom

PubAok dear friend ☺🤗🎁😚 yadimh 💜👩‍❤️‍👩🗯⚘

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

Yummmm... scones with jam & cream...

I loved your story of the puppy in the frog grow suit... it must be such fun helping people find things to keep their furs warm...

Woofa lives in his pj's this time of year... he got new (well pre loved but new for him) pj's today... they have frogs on them but unlike the ones in your story they don't make him look like a giant frog... though I think it would be fun if they did 😆😊

How is Peppa settling in lass?.. are your other girls getting more used to her ways?..

Stay warm

Hugs

Paws