Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Ggrand]

Hello Magic..and everyone....🤗..

Ice cream and milo....Yummmyyy....I first had that in hospital...We were given a teeny tub of ice cream each night after dinner, when someone put a pkt of milo on it..Then we all tried it..I forgot about it until you mentioned it....I will have to add to my shopping list..I suppose it’s okay if my clothes shrink a bit more😂...

The bad head space comes and goes..Emotional head space is hard to choof of...I think I’ve always been emotional but it had to stay hidden, now I can be me and feel things other then fear....I’m having a hard time managing them...Psychiatrist said because my emotions were suppressed for so long...

Fantasy is where I try to go when I am not in a good headspace...it works, but the fantasy has to end then I am back to struggling again...I don’t know any other way on how to save me when the black dog hangs around me...

I’m feeling better today I think just getting away from here has helped so much...seeing different things I haven’t seen before, has settled my thoughts down enough for me to be able to do things today...

True Magic...it doesn’t matter how many times we fall..What matters is how many times we dust ourselves off and get back up..

Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...RUOK?...Please be...Love you bbff...💜🤗🦋🌹🕊🌱🐻🤗...Look after you the best you can...goes for every person here...

My care, love and hugs everyone....🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🦋🕊🌱..💜🐻🤗..🦄👼..

[demonblaster]

Hey bbff 👩‍❤️‍👩💜

Thank you I'm ok 🤗 was sad hearing you had a couple of yukko days but so happy to hear you're feeling better and SO good looks like you have your ww back you really like her I'm so pleased for you.

Gorgeous I had a strong pain relief for shoulder neck so bbt honeyheart

Love you very deeply always 🗯 thank you for your lovely post gorgeous sss besty soul sister friend. Mwah 😚🤗

👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩💜👩‍❤️‍👩

😊⚘

[Paw Prints]

Hello Grandy,

I know you have a big day today lass with visits to your mhn & the cardiologist, so I thought I would pop by & make you a yummy breakfast & leave some roses from my garden in vases to fill your house with their perfume.

Here's a big gentle bear hug to start your day with too

Paws

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Gorgeous Grandy (& a wave to all),

I think you’re so brave to slowly learn to confront some of your suppressed emotions. But I also know it’s not easy...

I suppose that’s the tricky thing with emotions. I feel we can only ignore or distract ourselves for so long before they want to come out...I feel unprocessed/avoided emotions tend to quietly simmer beneath the surface before it eventually overflows or leaks out gradually...

You’re so courageous to try to face some of it now...

I hope the cows soon return to the paddock. I hope they’re okay...I suppose they’ll be in for a treat upon their return. Lots of fresh grass to graze on...

I’m happy your fur babies enjoyed the treats, & I hope the pumpkin soup was good comfort food for you 🙂

Lovely one, you are already a great support to me. Please don’t think otherwise. You’re welcome to visit or read any time 😉

Thank you, yes, I’m very blessed & grateful for birdy’s friendship (waves to birdy if you’re reading). I understand it’s not easy to provide that level of consistency that she does.

I’m grateful that she makes time out of her life for me, especially when I know there have been times when she’s struggling yet still checks in on me. I’m blessed & thankful.

Sending a homemade cake your way plus some biscuit treats for your fur babies.

Hugs & love,

Peppy xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩, Paws, Peppy and everyone..🤗..

Thank you all for your lovely posts....

The mhn appointment is cancelled for this morning....He is away this week, unknown to S...He will reappoint me when he gets back next week....I’m relieved about this, because it would have been too much for me today..I only hope he does reappoint next week....It’s only the Cardiologist this afternoon....I enjoyed your breakfast and the roses...I tried several times to grow roses out here without success..😢..

Peppy...Thank you for saying it’s okay to read your and add my little bits here and their..and the soup was yummy and the cake..wow I think I’ll have to stop washing my clothes though because they are constantly shrinking😂..furs are lucky they run around all day and their fur never shrinks...Thank you for their biscuits....I can’t wait for them to bring the cows back...Maybe I should offer my help to fix the fences..they are taking so long.😁..

I love watching friendships bloom into beautiful bbff’s...I’m happy for both of you..Birdy is a beautiful person and so are you....🌹🦋..

Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩...it’s so very good to hear from you..I was so concerned about you....Please and I mean this don’t listen to beasty’s lies...listen to your friends who don’t lie....We all love you...I’m sorry hun that your shoulder is giving you more grief..please can you talk to your Dr. about it🙇‍♂️..It’s important lovely bbff...Love you dearest bbff eva..💜🦋🤗🐻🌹🦄👼..

I’m doing good, right now, I hope it continues...I’m over the triggers of the past..I wish they would stay in the past and not continually rear up and cause my so much pain...I am constantly dreaming and then waking up, thinking he is in bed next to me, it gets scary then I realise it’s only my dogs leaning on my back..it takes a while to realise that it’s my dogs..

I hope everyone has a good day today. It’s a beautiful day here today..I hope it is we’re ever you are as well..

Sending my care, love and major hugs to everyone..🦋💜🤗.

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy...🦄👼🕊🌱

[monkey_magic]

Hi Grandy,

I wish I knew a good book to recommend to help you unlock the past from your soul and be free of it, or if that's even possible.

For me time and a lot of inner work healed my wounds. I still get memories here and there. I remember when I felt like I was living with boulders in my soul and I used to spill over and get emotional all the time. This did change though. I think swimming had a lot to do with it and opening up about it all. I had to talk and cry a lot.
I was pleasantly surprised when the doc weighed me today. I thought I had put on weight but I actually lost 4 kgs in a month. Was not expecting that.
It's a beautiful day here as well.
Hope U enjoy it as much as you can.

Talk again,
MMx

[demonblaster]

Hey beutiful Grandy 👩‍❤️‍👩 and everyone 😊

Dear Grandy I'm so sorry I put today in my head the other day but it choofed since then 🙃

It was too much that big day I agree completely. So pleased hearing just the one today. Nifty sometimes how it all works out isn't it. Cool 😊 🤗

You do sound good Grandz sweetyheart you're absolutely incredible look how you're getting back up so much quicker. Goodness knows you have plenty of practice hun, hey the good bit is I do believe in time we can have thoughts but only memories & not feel the pain. I find in good health it's more that way so as well as Magic 🐒 saying how she's overcome well done hun, there's more hope.

😆 good on you wanting to scoot the fences along how awesome they're coming back 🐴 is that a cow 😅 geez it's been a while. Very happy for you precious lovely ☺
Just wondered how our gorgeous gum across the Rd's going too.

I so hope your 💜 appt went ok today Grandy. I doubt they see many pure Gold ones 🤗

You poor love thinking he's still there how cruel.
I wonder if before you sleep think of flowers Deendy us and tell yourself your loving adorabubbles are laying with you. Sleeping as you are with fresh happy thoughts from the nice sounding sleep stories I believe must have a good effect on our sleeping thoughts. Well hope so anyway.

I hear you about the cptsd thoughts it's a constant downing nag isn't it. I try to reason and say yes that happened but it's not now and remember Wolfy saying try and see a positive in the situation. Easier during mania like absolutely everything of course.

Really love you deeply dear friend Geez I wish Grandy 😢. You're a constant in my 🗯.
Looked at a few lovely ✨ tonight gorgeous and thought of our beautiful virtual veranda 🤝 times.
LOVE our FRIENDSHIP LOVE and TIME sweetylove 💜💜BBFF 👩‍❤️‍👩💜💜🤝✨🗯🤗🦄 pubAok YAdimh 😚

Nigh nite lovely friends 🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..lovely Magic, and all...🤗..

It would be so handy to have a book that explain how to stop triggering downs...I’m okay mostly with thoughts of my past..I can let them go through..The harder ones are when I am triggered down, that’s when I feel the hurt , pain, hear his voice calling me names...Those I cannot stop quick enough..I suppose because it’s an immediate spiral straight down with nothing in between...

I put of DVD councilling for so long because I’m afraid of what it make make me feel....I’m starting in May this year, hoping that, that will help...If coronavirus allows it to go ahead....

My Cardiologist wants another halter monitor to be used..not until July...Gosh their uncomfortable...He hears the extra beats a lot, wants to see again how many in 24 hr..My blood pressure is good...which it usually is...Cardwas running nearly two hours late...after about half hour I was fidgeting to much and scratching my arms....S then took me outside and we walked around the private hospital he works from..There was beautiful roses growing their but no scent...

Its been happening for a while now..and it scares me..my first thought is not to move around or I’ll wake him...then I realise it’s my dogs..Then I turn my laptop on and listen to music....

Hard to find a positive in cptsd downer, because my mind is all confused messed up and it’s gone away from me...back to the then time...hearing, feeling, sensing everything that I felt back then.....Trying to get it back into the now is so hard...sometimes I think my mind wants to destroy me and keep me their...

I’m doing good, mentally.....keeping busy some days does help some..but not my tired old body.😂..Something I have to decide, body or brain...Brain wins sometimes, body wins sometimes...trying to even things out and what’s best for the day...When body wins, and I’m too sore to do things then my brain suffered and visa versa😢...

Are you really okay Deebi?...Love you bbff.....um...did you know that..👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩💜....🌜🐻🤗🌛..

Sending my care, love and hugs to everyone...🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🌜🕊🌱🌛..

[demonblaster]

Hello my/our beautiful lady 👩‍❤️‍👩🤗 and everyone

Yes it certainly helps being aware of our thoughts doesn't it. So often they've been running and then oh.

Must be such a nice relief when you realuse its your gorgeous little furs cuddling up full of love. They sound so gorgeous.

With the DVD councilling will someone be on hand for you to talk to Grandz.

Another halter monitor. I really hope it goes ok sweets. Glad your BP was/is good. I imagine meds keep it under control.

Darlin while I think you know my Oh no (omo) joke was meaning the washing powder shrunk the clothes. You probs did I just wanna be sure lovely ☺ pretty average weight gain isnt it pfftt

Sounds good the walk around the garden hun. Poor thing getting fidgety and scratching arms.

It does feel like our minds want to destroy us doesn't it. We'll get there Grandy 🤝 and yes in the midst of being in so deep it's so hard to force the mind away from pain.

Doesn't the body let us know wow. Hearing you sweetyheart 🤗

Thanks Grandy I'm ok still sleeping a lot for now sleeping the pills off. Have 3 carbuncles at once atm. Unbelievable and something with my arm.

Always you're in my thoughts 🗯 with so much love beautiful friend. I wish so much 😢

Please ubok honeyheart you mean the 🌎 👩‍❤️‍👩💜🦄🗯✨🤝😍🤗🐴

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩..and all..

Im deeply sorry about you having 3 carbuncle on your arm..that must be extremely painful..Your poor arm must be so sore to touch or move..are you going to get them lanced...

Yes..WW..S..is taking me and bringing me home after dv counciling...Bit scared doing it..then again after the last trigger I’m a bit scared not too..

Yes..Cardiologist hears a murmur (now) and ectopic beats.he wants to compare this taping to the last taping from the halter monitor..he is very thorough and caring...

Thank you Deebi...yes I understood about omo..😂 and shrinking clothes..I must start doing my little cycling wheels again soon...or change my washing powder to a stretching fabric one..😂..

I made some fried rice yesterday..last night when I decided it’s dinner time..I thought I would try something different and eat it with chop sticks..😂😂😂..It’s incredibly hard to do so...and very messy as well...I think I got more on the table and floor then I ate.😂😂...I admire anyone that can use them....might try again tonight..one good thing is I have to be very mindful when eating with chopsticks 🥢...

Its hard when we feel our minds trying to destroy us...I think because I’ve had to suppress my emotions for over 50 years..To let them show would always be worse..so I learnt how to do that, quickly for survival....now it’s become a coping tool for me..... to close my mind off and make myself feel numb when I’m hurting to much...I know it’s not good to do...as eventually the volcano erupts...my psychiatrist told me to feel what I feel, when I feel it....but sometimes it’s better not too.. Its hard when our mind goes back in time...I hate the memories, the hurt...the everything about it...so I suppress them...when it erupts so be it...I’ll deal with it then..for now I’m okay...that’s what’s important..

It’s a beautiful day here today..loving the Autumn Sunshine and warmth...

Deep love and care Deebi..😂💜🦋🤗...

My love, care and hugs to everyone...🦋💜🤗..

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy..🌜🦄👼🌛...🕊🌱