Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[startingnew]

Hi Little Angel

If you like, i can share my experiences with hospital. I have been admitted twice once voluntarily and once involuntarily, both of which were actually ok.

I know that you are struggling so while the weather is quite dreary here, it is lovely to watch the rain from the porch. Come and sit next to me at the little table and chairs, ill make us a cup of tea or your drink of choice and put out your favourite biscuits. At the moment, my little flowers are blooming so they just add something nice.

Dont worry theres plenty of room for our friends here if they would like to join us too.

Hugs and hugs

💐🦋🌹💙❤

[Guest8901]

Hello dear Grandy,

Just a quick visit, as I feel I have been neglecting you (and others too) lately. My apologies for that, I know I've been very slack.

Grandy I am so pleased to hear that you are listening to the advice of everyone here who cares so very much for you. That much I know ... you are greatly loved, appreciated and respected here.

Yes I do understand that your first instinct is 'flight'. Understandable given the circumstances of your life. But this can be overcome Grandy, and I know you are capable of standing up for yourself. I accept that your mind is currently very 'chatty', but please do not believe the negative things which your mind is likely to be telling you. Remember the positives - the prospect of finally receiving proper treatment and care, the chance to get well.

You have spent your entire life to date by running. This is not said in a critical sense Grandy, just stating a fact. Running (or 'flight) is what you've had to do in order to survive. Its time you took a breather, and allowed someone to take care of you. You have the strength, the fortitude and the knowledge now to withstand what is likely ahead of you. Nobody will tell you its an easy path - its a huge step and a big investment of trust in your psych. But Grandy even if this treatment results in only a small improvement, surely thats worth it? Then you can get back home again and continue to work on things in your own time and your own environment. I think you just need to be pointed in the right direction in the first place, and under competent supervision. I actually have high hopes for you over this Grandy. I feel excited that you have the opportunity to receive help. Please dont run.

I'm sorry, I fear I'm rambling. My brain is a little scrambled today. Best leave it at that for now.

Sending love and lots of hugs.

Your friend,

Amanda 💖

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, Little Butterfly, Amanda,

Im really sorry that I haven’t replied to your posts, it’s just that I am struggling with all this..If my dogs will be cared for properly and I’m guaranteed 100% that I will not be even offered ect, then I will go.

I’m sorry if I sound stupid and ungrateful for this opportunity to get help, I’m not, I want and need help so badly. I know my mind has open wounds that need healing.

Since I was told about hospital admission, I have been feeling like I did when I was married..Trapped and controlled...this time by my MH team, with no “escape” but to run a way...it’s triggering memories I had for many years, like being caged up and this time theythey have the key not hubby and if I don’t do what they want I stay trapped in that cage, my mind is telling me to run before I’m put into that cage again....It’s really very hard to explain..It’s been 2 weeks today and I haven’t heard any more about it from them....My mhn was supposed to see me weekly from my last appointment, I remember my psychiatrist saying that to her....I’ve had no one contact me...Its this waiting I think that’s doing my head in, because I’m constantly on edge...and being on edge is also triggering memories that I am finding it hard to cope.. im like waiting for the unexpected, knowing something will happen but not knowing when....

My neighbour hasn’t spoken to me since I said it’s okay for her to fix the adjoining fence in her chicken coup area, 2 foot higher, again I’m on edge waiting for her to come over here and do that...I don’t know what or why she is waiting, Why did she ask me so long in advance, it’s awful waiting..expectation is not good for me.

I thought I needed to explain why it’s been hard for me to reply to you all, you all deserve that...I feel like I have two parts of me..one is my brain saying I need to go and get well, the others my body saying to run a way and when everyone forgets about all this it’s safe for me to come back home..I don’t know it’s hard to put myself and how I’m feeling into words...I am trying really hard to do what I know is the right thing to do...I suppose I’m also scared of opening up old wounds that’s hidden deep inside me....I remember my psychiatrist saying intense psychological treatment..talking about my trauma hurts deep and hard especially to strangers...even knowing they are professional doesn’t make it any easier.

Deep Love Deebi, 💜

love and hugs to everyone.💜🤗

👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄💜👼.

[Guest8901]

Grandy ... its okay ... truly. I hear what you're saying, and I understand. Please do not feel you need to try to explain your feelings to me, or us. I know its really hard for you. Its nearly impossible to understand ourselves half the time, much less explaining our feelings to others. Can I just say that your thoughts about feeling trapped and controlled, are very real to you. This is the type of thing which I'm hoping therapy in a controlled environment can help you to overcome.

Waiting is really hard, and its not something I'm good at either. I'm very much the sort of person, once my mind is made up, bang ... get it done! Get it over with as soon as possible. So the waiting and wondering is leaving you constantly on edge, waiting for that call. Can you try to think of that impending call as something to be looked forward to, rather than you dreading it?

I am sure Kya and Ebony will be well cared for ... how could anyone not adore your little pooches. Is there any way you can contact your psychiatrist to enquire further about the likely time frame for your admission to the MH facility? And at the same time, can I suggest you mention to him what you said here this morning - about feeling trapped and controlled by the prospect of your hospitalisation. I'd also like to hear you tell him about the MHN .. the non existant MHN who never shows up! Sooo disappointing Grandy! He needs to know that you are not receiving the promised support in the lead up to your hospitalisation.

Grandy ... talking about past trauma's, whether with us or with MH professionals in a therapy situation, is one of the hardest things to do. There is no question that it will bring up old wounds ... wounds you have tried to keep salved, but which are still festering below. Thats where therapy comes in ... you clean out the festering wounds, before the healing can take place. Mighty hard ... but very do-able. You ... can do it Grandy. With appropriate support and encouragement. But you will need to place your trust in your therapists.

Never for one moment have I ever thought you were stupid or ungrateful Grandy. Just a beautiful person who is hurting way too much, someone who deserves a chance in life. This could be your chance Grandy.

How about I make you a nice cup of tea? Or, since its hot, can I make you one of my special iced coffee milkshakes?

Much love and care to you Grandy. 🔑 Here is a key to represent safety and unlocking a new and better life.

Amanda 💕🌹

[demonblaster]

Darling Grandy 💜

Just ducking in to let you know I'm always keeping an 👁on you and 👂🏻. Giving you a long loving 🤗

Thanks honey for letting us know how you're feeling

Echoing our beautiful Mandys' wise and reassuring words.

Will bbl sweetheart tonight.

Deep love and care 🌜💑🌛

Hi to all the lovely people 🕊

[demonblaster]

Darling Grandy ☺ Hi Mandy and other sweeties

Your concerns are understandable hun. The unknown can be very unsettling it often also can be completely different to what we think it'll be.

I'm confident they'll make sure your gorgeous fur buddies are cared for as they said they would. Their objective is to help you. They'd be well aware of the power of pets reciprocated love being a major part of your life and mental well being.
Of course being the loving Mum you are you'd be concerned. You're so loving and lovable 😚

Darl how bout jot about fur buddies ECT and MHN as Mandy suggested down on paper and have that near your phone and any other concerns you have for when they ring. At the hospital you could ask them to ring & check on them too. You poor love feeling this way. Giving you a loving 🤗 and a nice warm frothy hot choccy or how bout some more of Mandys yum sounding Iced coffee but first here sit down pop your feet up that's the way. I'll give you a nice gentle shoulder and head massage.

Anticipations hard, it puts us in a negative mindset as well. When the time comes we go through the motions and it turns out better or differently to what we thought. I know this will be hard sweet, if you can focus on end result being free of pain and while you go through this you'll be safe and not alone
Breath deep lovey often.

I'd think they told you in advance to give you plenty of time to get packed and prepare rather than heightening your stress rushing you into it.

I'm really sorry Grandy the triggers would be terrible for you and raising your anxiety.

Also learning new coping strategies.
Darlin the difference now is these people care and want to help not hurt you like before.

Believe in yourself and them lovey and that you can will and want to get better. You'll be safe and not alone.

Neighbour might not be ready yet, maybe planning ahead or could be busy. Try not to think too much about that and that she was at least civil for a change.

I don't think at all you're ungrateful or stupid. Opposite actually you're brave and open to trying anything.

Love you dear Grandy Floss and remember we'll be with you every step of the way. 🌜💑💜🕊🤝🤗💗🌛

SO tired Grandy. Nigh nite darlin/s 🌴

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (and a wave to all),

I think Mandy absolutely DB have covered it all very nicely, so there’s little for me to add...

I’ll simply sit here quietly with you to offer some gentle company and support.

Love and care,

Peppy xoxo

[demonblaster]

Deep love for you too Grandy.

PUbok (please u be ok)

Breathe deep and often dear love, when I hear someone talking about breathing here it reminds me. So easy to forget until we habit it.

Out for a bit today. Then going to sleep a lots the plan Stan.

Hoping you're managing sleep I imagine not enough.

Leaving a 🎁 cause I've sent Peps first installment 2nds ready but will check it over again.

You're going to be ok darling lady.

[Lee lee 73]

Hello dear Grandy,

I'm just popping in to give you a big warm long comforting hug 🤗🤗 and to also say, you will be ok beautiful, it will all be ok. Your fears and concerns are valid and understandable.

Please take really good care - lots of self care dear friend. Sitting with you lovely Grandy 💕.

Love Lee

[Guest8901]

Hi dear Grandy. Just read on Deebi's thread that you are seriously unwell these past couple of days.

Migraine, nausea, dizziness, temperature - does not sound good at all. Nausea and diziness come with migraine, but not sure about the fever?

Does your GP practice open on a Sat morning? If yes, it may be worth a visit to check things out. If you just turn up, without an apt, will someone eventually see you?

In the meantime, I'm here to administer some TLC. Have you eaten today? There is an old saying of feed a cold and starve a fever. It isnt true .. starving a fever does more harm than good. Not sure about where you are, but it has been heavily overcast and cool hete all day. And some light rain last night and again this afternoon. I made some chicken soup today, and brought some for you. Lots of veges and fresh chicken. I like some chilli as well, but I can omit that for you if you'd prefer.

Right, thats heating up on the stove now. How about a nice warm shower while you wait?

I brought some special treats for Kya and Ebony too. I know they will miss you heaps when you go into hospital. Probably equally as much as you will miss them. But they are fairly self sufficient little guys arent they? Lets see now, some special toys Charli gave up for them - Mooey, her favourite soft squeeky toy that she loves to play fetch with. Oh .. and a packet of her absolute favourite treats ... dried shark cartilage pieces. She just loves them!

Okay soup is ready. Come sit at the table and eat up. I was at the shops today and bought fresh bread rolls too. Hope you enjoy.

Plenty here for you too Lee, if you'd like to join us. Sorry you're going through such a hard time at present. It should be a time of excitement and happy anticipation for you with the new home and everything. Maybe we can organise a special house warming for the big day. Thursday was it? Wow, so soon.

Grandy ... are you okay? Is there anything you need? Please take care and I will leave you now to rest. Waves to Deebi and Pepper. Hi also SN. Yet to respond to you on my thread. Ran out of words when responding to people this morning and need to wait for a reply before posting again .. sigh .. rules.

Take care Grandy, and get better soon.

Amanda 💕🐶🌹