Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[demonblaster]

Hey Grandy 🤗 and other lovelies

Sweety I'm going back to bed soon but just wanted to say something hun

You felt fear and shame you poor darling going through that. My heart truly goes out to you Grandy. What he did was what he wanted ...not you.
The shames entirely on him!
Darlin it's not fair for you to feel this shame from someone elses wrong doing to you. You don't deserve that. You're the victim. You didn't have a choice. I'll omit what I'd like to say! Mongrels a start!

I'm guessing he put fear into you or and for you the fear of being wrongly judged and berated let alone the aftermath with your parents and him. You were copping it from them at the same time. How cruel your lifes been. Absolutely heart breaking.

And no lovey, you're not responsible for it continuing ... he was!
At any age what you went through let alone being so young.
I so hope that one day you can release that extra burden you carry. He knew what he was doing. Mutt

Love you so very much sweet Grandy 🤗 always 💗

Same takes an age doing most posts in pftt headspace and tiredness.

✨ 🤝 💑 💜 veranda

[Ggrand]

Hello dearest Amanda.

Thank you so very much for your very much needed love and support through a rough downer, your words meant a lot to me and were so appreciated and helped me..

How much I would love to be able to roll back the clock, but I know that I would have still been given the same life as I believe that our lives are planned out from our conception...

I loved the mosaic broken and put together, I understood what your were saying and thank you very much, I seem to be slowly being put back together again, gee I hope I can stay together for a long time....

When my brother was here, he gently persuaded me to go outside and even out to a pub for lunch. Now he is gone I’m inside again. I tried to go out this morning but I can’t because she spends a lot of her time outside and I am not comfortable and I’d be on edge constantly...My dogs are with me inside as well because they don’t like her and constantly bark at her, I’m scared she will hurt my dogs or worse..I love them too much for that to happen...I will take them out tonight for a nice play..I know I’m bad for keeping them in but I’m worried about them outside without me...

Thank you for being happy for me that my younger brother came for a visit, we did talk and I think it has helped, but he has forgiven my older brother and has moved on...but when he spoke of him, there was also a lot of anger and sadness in his voice, I told him no more, I want good memories now of our brother sister relationship....after I eloped and left home we lost contact up until 3 years ago when our mum passed away, we have a lot to catch up on..he never liked my hubby at all, he knew the type he was and kept away for that reason.I am pleased to see that you updated your thread, I was getting a bit worried about posting there without you posting, as I’ve been in trouble for doing that before...

I hope you have a lovely day today Amanda and please remember that I’m always here for you, anytime at all.

Love and hugs dear Amanda...💜🤗..

Grandy....🕊...it will find us all soon...

[Ggrand]

Dear Peppy and Magic..Startingnew,

Im sorry I’m replying to you allin one post...

Startingnew, my/our favourite little butterfly, thank you very much for calling in for a visit, you made me feel more relaxed knowing that your sitting with me and holding my hand..💜🕊...I hope you start to pull up soon and your health starts to improve....💚

Peppy....Your gentleness is always left on my thread after you leave and gives me a feeling of calm...thank you very much for that and also your beautiful heartwarming posts to me and your constant support and love and care. You really are a very gentle soul, Peppy, your words of beautiful comfort and suggestions are well received with love from me..I’m also sorry that your struggling so much..my heart goes out to you...💚

Magic...Thank you for extending your hand to me, I did reach out and grab it...and felt the strength, love and you compassionate to me...those words really meant a lot to me..💚..my mindfulness which I done each morning is on hold for now, the universe has always been my go to place for seeking out peace, the stars, moon, clouds, tree, birds are such a big part of my mental healing...

Thank you all for the wonderful friendship I have with you all, every single one of you on BB...B.B. is really a genuine caring place...thank you B.B....you all are just so absolutely kind, gentle, and beautiful people...

Deebi...I am going to try and sleep a little more but would like to thank you for your posts as well, I will be back later to reply..know that my love and care goes deep for you my special friend..💜🦄👼...

Love and care for you all and I’m so wishing peace for you all you all deserve it and so much more...

big hugs🤗 and much love 💚,,,

Grandy...

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi,


Thank you, yes I’m pulling out slowly but I’m concerned I might be going in a mixed episode as a migraine usually indicates that I am....oh the darkness, gee I hope I don’t go their again, no words can ever describe just how overwhelming and frightening that dark and gloomy place can get..

I did sleep better last night Deebi, 😂 maybe a drop or two again tonight, it tasted yummy, hmmmmm wonder what your sleep potion contains...

Umm, Deebi, your latest posts are very hard for me to put an answer to....I can understand what your saying to me and my mind just won’t accept it..I have looked inside me before when you talked similar and tried again last night...Deebi I do get a glimpse of it, but it’s alway overshadowed quickly by feelings of guilt, embarrassment and the darkness I carry around with me......maybe I can explain like this..


Mmm let’s say that since as young as Ann (just a name)...can remember Ann has been told how good, Kind, well behaved, helpful, brainy etc..etc...she is....Ann always good, the perfect child, she excels in academics and sports, people admire you because she is a perfect role model, very well loved, wanted, smart and perfect, and told this daily then suddenly Ann is being called lazy, useless, dumb, stupid etc...etc.. it’s hard for Ann to accept these new words because has never heard herself being describe as being those things..

I’m thinking whether to post this or not....I don’t really know how to put into words how but I think it’s so hard for our mind to be retrained into believing things we were taught not to believe in since we were toddlers it hard to explain lovely lady, but I guess I had to try sooner or later...

I hope you are doing okay and are finding some peace in your day....

Love and hugs 💜🤗...everyone..


L💜VE. Y💚U.. Deebi...
👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩Grandy🦄👼...🕊..

[Lee lee 73]

Hello lovely Grandy,

How are you today beautiful? Do you still have a migraine? Grandy, I'm not exactly sure of what you mean when you say a mixed episode but if it's what I think it means, maybe do this if you can:

Write down the things that keep you here and stick them up all around your home where they are visible. Keep holding on to these reasons ....and us beautiful. I soooo hope it is only a migraine....

Grandy lovely, it is so true that the fear and shame you felt when you were a child has stayed with you. You are so right in that it is so engrained within and has been there for so long, your thought pattern doesn't know any better. And there has been no one around you to show you otherwise I guess we, your friends here, try to reinforce the opposite, the truth - what therapy would do. I hope I'm explaining things correctly. I like demonblaster's word -mongrels.

(Grandy and demonblaster, I hope you didn't mind me butting in...)

Here is a biggggg hug for you Grandy 🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗, my beautiful caring intelligent thoughtful and big hearted friend. You mean so much to me Grandy 😘😘😊😊😍😍🤗🤗❤❤.

I hope the sun is shining for you. Sending you calming healing thoughts gorgeous. ❤❤.

Lee xx

[Guest8901]

My dear Grandy,

Thank you so much for making the effort to respond so beautifully to me, and everyone else here as well. 

It sounds like the visit from your little bro was perfectly timed and just what you needed Grandy. I am so very pleased he came for you. I'm also immensely proud of you for getting out and about as you did, with your bro's gentle encouragement and support. You did soo well! Even getting to the local pub for lunch. I actually like going to country pubs for meals, but wouldnt do it on my own. Hubby likes to go, though sadly he hasnt been well enough to go anywhere for some time now. I might try to pick a day he is a little stronger and try to get out somewhere for lunch. He would enjoy that I know. It sounds like you enjoyed your pub lunch too, so that makes it well worth the effort.

Grandy your two little dogs are wonderful little judges of character obviously. Plus they would also be feeling your tension and anxiety around your neighbour and are probably reacting to that as well.

Your profile pic is perfect for you Grandy. You are a real-life angel to so many of us here. And despite the abominable way you've been treated for most of your life, you still have immense love for everyone. This in turn causes all of us to love you in return. You really are one of the easiest persons to love Grandy. Its a testament to the wonderful person you are, that you have not allowed your past treatment to turn you into something bad. Thank you for always being here for me too Grandy. The rare occasion I've been here for you, is nothing in comparison to what you've done for me.

Thank you. I hope today is a good day for you.

Amanda 💜🤗

[Ggrand]

Hello Lee,

Im doing okay Lee, thank you for asking, my heads not to bad , I’m keeping the headaches meds in me, they have taken that horrible sharpness away from it so now it’s bearable.....

It’s really hard to explain a mixed episode, I’ll try the easiest way I can....it’s like you’ve just won millions of $ in lotto, then the next minute been told your bankrupt and owing million..it’s like an all time high and then an incredible low, like mixed in together...sometimes I’m lucky and I have normals in between for sometimes hours sometimes minutes. I can be happy and sad together, or have a few hours of happy followed by sads all happening in a single day, these can last days, weeks or months, mine usually days or weeks. but I can usually be sort of okay through these...then I usually come out of them in a downer...The higher the mania.the lower the downer I’ve heard...I’m lucky in a way that during a normal BP cycle I don’t get the ultimate highs, I feel good in mania ( without going to high thanks to meds)...my downers are deep n dark, but nothing compared to going down in a CPTSD trigger, which I am just coming up from..these are two different types of downers..everyone experiences different...I don’t know if you can understand my vague description...

Thank you for understand my difficulty in how I see myself...as in comparison to how others see me...it’s a hard ask but I’m working on it, (Deebi).. I do know what your saying you have explained clearly.🤗..

Oh lee sweetheart, you’re never ever butting in, anytime you want to talk here you’re so very much welcome..💚..

Thank you so very much for your hugs Lee, I’m definitely a hugger..First thing I asked my brother for, was a hug, and when he did, my floodgates opened so much. I felt terrible for him, but he was okay with my tears and hugged me more....Lee you also mean so very much to me as well. You are a beautiful person and I’m so really sorry your struggling so much..I wish I could help you more then I am...

Love and hugs 💚🤗 dear Lee..

Grandy..

[demonblaster]

Hey darlin and everyone

Well explained Grandy, yes I understand what you're saying too. Very hard to change thinking when we believe something for so long. Even if they're wrong because of repetition and vulnerable times let alone MI and C-PTSD making you so much more tender. Glad you did post it.

Do compliments still upset you, I can back off if they do although difficult but the point here's not to make you uncomfortable although as mentioned I don't know how else to help you believe in yourself.

btw Lee your posts are always so lovely and kind with very good ideas, putting notes around good on you. This is a public forum and here how beautiful everyone gets on so it wasn't a private conversation 🙂 Grandys so easy to love and want to wing around.

Grandy that you're starting to pull up shows amazing strength from where you've been. If you ever doubt your strength think of how many times you've pulled back up.

Oh Grandy I so hope it's not an episode starting, no way, you've been through way too much. Have you tried your cold packs?

ahaa secret potion for now, glad it helped. I might if you're a good girl tell you sometime it's ingredients, should know well, I worked on it long enough. You do realise molds an antibiotic don't you 😄

Sweety lady thank you for your lovely comments at Magics thread. She's another trooper 🙂
So a little birdy might have whispered something about your choccy magnet gripping and by God I bet it had a tug of war my last mind you choccy from my dressing gown....ah haaaa...hands on hips...tapping foot....smiling at your ingenuity... thanks always for the laughs xx

Mandy darling I'm making this my last post today but always keeping an eye on you and heart goes out to you too my love. I'll be over to give you whopping hugs and love.
Oh at mine I replied to you about mixed episodes but it was Lee that I was meant to be replying too soz lovey 🙂
Grandy loved your lotto example.

Love you darlin friend, you mean so much & to many, please don't change well only in getting better. We can (( xx ))

[Peppermintbach]

Hi gorgeous Grandy (waves to all your caring friends),

Darling Grandy, my heart breaks for the deep rooted feelings of sadness, loss and shame that was instilled in you from a young age because of others...not because of you...but because of others...

I think children are emotional and intellectual sponges. So they soak in what people tell them or absorb how they are treated (or mistreated). For better or for worse, they often then carry that same emotional weight around for years and years.

This is how I think about your childhood, dear Grandy...and now, years later, you’re learning to release some of the things that you absorbed...little by little...I think that takes guts. It takes courage to slowly unlearn and re-learn, and I think that is what you’re doing now...

Maybe you don’t see it and I really hope my saying this doesn’t upset you. I apologise if I do accidentally upset you, but I hope it’s okay for me to say that I see growth in you.

Your last 2 posts, in my eyes, were full of growing self awareness. You’re starting to understand yourself...I, and others, have seen this growing sense of self in Sez (who I know is someone that you look up to and admire), and now, I see glimpses of it in you....

I’m not saying it’s going to be easy. I’m not saying you won’t have rough days but I’m saying that I see growth...there is hope, dear Grandy.

There is hope...

Love and care,

Peppy xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Amanda,

Thank you so very much for a beautiful post.

Yes my brother came at the right time, perfect timing I am grateful for his visit, not sure I think Mental Health must have rang him, he won’t say, but that’s okay he came to see me and that’s what it was about....I’m not sure I won’t ask..

The pub lunch, oh boy was so hard to do, I am afraid of men, because they have always treated me badly, it was hard to do, but i did relax and enjoyed it. I’m pleased I did it, but I couldnt do it again without him....What a lovely surprise that would be for your husband and you to have an outing when he has a good day with his health...

My dogs love people and are really friendly towards them, all except my neighbour, they bark constantly at her while she’s out front, I bring them in when she is....

Thank you for your very kind words to me, you made me cry...I do love the people here, they are gentle and kind and I feel yours and their struggles, I’ve been there and understand how they are feeling and I want to be there for them...and you..no one should ever be treated badly, it’s just not right and it really makes me cry a lot of the time knowing that others are/ have gone through what I have, my heart is open to you and them....

I hope that you are improving daily sweetheart and looking after ourself, I know how hard taking care of ourselves can be, but it’s important to do so...

I am going into work today, the first time in a few weeks, but I have an early appointment with my mhn before work, then Thursday with the Sydney psychiatrist, a busy week this week...

I hope today is full of sunshine for you...you deserve it so very much..

Love and hugs Amanda 💚👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩 ...Take them when you need them...

Grandy...