Alone..Depressed..Sad..

[Ggrand]

Hi..I'm new here..just need to put my feeling down..no one to talk to makes depression and anxiety so hard...the last 4 days I have either been in bed crying or on the lounge crying..I can't seem to get out of this...I am becoming a prisioner in my own home as its getting progressively difficult to go out.. I have to go out Tuesdays so I do everthing on that day but it's like I'm holding my breathe all day until I get back to the safety of my home then I can let go and that starts the cycle again of spending the next 6 days at home either in bed or on the lounge sad and depressed...I really feel like just giving up.. My husband passed away 4 years on This coming Thursday. My children live 6 hours drive away and have small children so I don't see them that much.Bad mum and grandmum I am on there last visit i was pleased to see them but I just wanted them to go home. I feel so aweful and numb atm..

[Speak Your Truth]

You’re right randomx - it’s about what suits you, what you relate to, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with quotes - they just come from other people’s life experiences. And very often they make so much sense.

As for your travelling experience - it sounds interesting - but often what we are looking for is at home, or inside of us, and as you say, for others it was where you were looking. It can be amazing what we find and where we find it.

Curious to know - what were you searching for over 13 1/2 years - is it in your thread ?

😄

[smallwolf]

Back again for Part II...

I mentioned in the previous post how puzzles do not give me much satisfaction once solved. In particular I do Sudoku puzzles, and whether it is an easy, hard, or expert level of difficulty, once solved, I would/am would be like "Meh!", Next! I spent my Friday's at parents place to chat, lunch, etc. My dad also does Sudoku puzzles. So we had a race to solve a puzzle the fastest. That did give me a little buzz. When it comes to sport I was/am not competitive. I suspect this "race" is more because you are doing it with someone else. When I mentioned this to my psychologist she wondered whether were places online you do similar things; it might be a virtual space, but you might get the same level of excitement or challenge. I am not sure how you might get a group going but worth thinking about? Alternatively, for those arty activities you like, are there groups you could join, if only so that you might take photos of your creation and submit/upload for others to view. Or create a blog site where you do the same thing. I cannot remember where I read this, but someone created a blog for their own benefit, but after a while others started to the follow that person and comment on their entries or photos etc. Of course that is only if you are comfortable with such things.

When you have a talent, and use that talent, but nobody can see it, you feel down, alone (and every other negative feeling)? But when someone else can see and recognise that talent, and smiles and says "that's good" you get a positive feeling.

So. Firstly, recognise that you have a talent that not everybody has! Secondly, if you can make cushion covers, make some more and sell locally (at markets?), or on ebay or similar? Create a little business out of it? This last bit I thought of as I was writing this.

Will have write part III shortly, as space will stop me here...

[smallwolf]

Part III...

Six weeks ago, my psychologist "made" me start to log or journal. In the journal I had to write (for each day) a pleasure, accomplishment and gratitude.

When I went back after two weeks, went through what I had written and one of my comments was that I found it very hard to find things to be thankful for. I had to use google to find ideas, and then apply those ideas to my day(s). At that session, she added the following items to add the following items to each entry - find three things to look forward to each day, and find three positives of that day. And if I ruminated over things had to write that down as well.With the positives, I would also have to write down the positive qualities displayed.

Next session went through it all again. At the end, I said that I would continue to maintain these entries (daily). There were/are days where this is hard to do.

Tomorrow I go back to the psych and review again. And this will be the six week mark. I won't say that it is the easiest thing to do. It can take me 30min or so to do it all. Because I find some things hard to find. Other days it is easy to do. But slowly, positives are starting to overcome the negatives. Negative thoughts and failure can still get me, but I am starting to find the positive in things.

So I am wondering... Could you, or would you start to maintain a similar journal? Even what you think might be the dumbest things can be a positive. A positive can be sunshine, or sunset, or appreciating a flower or garden. Or if you wanted to and needed some help, I could start a new thread, to give you ideas or inspiration in creating your own list(s). I suspect that I will continue creating these lists after tomorrow. Why? Because that offer me hope. And might offer you hope also?

Let me know,

Tim

[Guest_1584]

Yeah exactly , and so the saying goes don't chase it.

Traveling ahh , a better life , climate, town , ya know.

[startingnew]

Grandy 💜 sitting with you as always xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Cala,

Thankyou for you very kind and caring post.

The people in town. I know all of them from the shop, because I had a post office inside the shop that the town people needed to pick up their daily mail, we had no mail service to homes..A lot of these people used to vent their problems and tell me things they shouldn't have about others, this is another problem, I know to much about some people, I will never repeat anything anyone has said to me.It's scarey some things I know so I keep mostly to myself.

.A lot of the town and village people owed me money..I felt sorry for the people so I let them have accounts to be paid fortnightly, this included smokes as well as food..I asked a few times to Please pay your accounts but nope. By the time I had to close the shop I had a few thousand dollars owing to me, no on paid up. They still havent so that's another reason they are avoiding me, but I honestly don't care about the money..I never have..they needed help I gave it to them.

The lady that took my arm lives 3 doors down from mine, I had a meltdown while I was walking and her son saw me, and took me to hers, now everyone around town knows what happened to me.

These people are old school, they have lived her all their lives, and have mostly old fashioned ideas..There is only around 50 homes in the village part where I live. Some neighbour to neighbour but on 1-3 acre blocks..The village is so isolated and laid back...the village has unemployment at 100%..most are aged pensioners others, Newstart oh and quiet a few for disability pension for being alcoholics, I couldn't believe that you get disability pension for drinking.

I have two neighbours, One of them yelled at me the day I was moving in because my dogs went into her yard..she hasn't spoke to me since..she hasn't been home now for nearly two months,,The other neighbour, is husband,wife and mum..I never see them..only when they drive their car in and out.

Iused to go to bingo, on Tuesday nights, until I heard whispering, (loud enough for me to here).. "She really dragged the value of our town, shutting the shop..I held back the tears, then when I got home they fell, and I never went back again ( that was nearly a year ago now..I have a close friend Betty around the corner from me about a 5 minute walk.

Cala, though I might update you on my little village.

Night all,

Grandy..🤗🌹💜.

[demonblaster]

Hi Grandy and all

Pftt People at their best 😤 but thank goodness we know there are good out there too which hun I believe out number bad/nasty ones though you'd be forgiven where you live and what you've been through in life to not believe that. You're a prime example of good. By doing in your own time getting out there I believe you'll attract good people. Many follow leaders and the crowd unfortunately whether right or not in fear of standing out and becoming a target too. With luck though a hard one to accept some of those people that have good in them like Mrs Arm might approach you in time and be nice. Bit bloody late but better than not at all. You've had an atrocious life, thank God for the few good bits and more to come. Wonder if Betty might be keen to go out somewhere with you on occasion through the day. Being elderly she may not want night outs or might.

Old school frustrates me tbh. Have experience past/present with some public activity I'm connected with so understand what you're up against to a degree 🤗

Well done sleeping in bed for a bit night before. Hope tonight's easier as you said. Sprinkling some of your angel dust ☄I prepared over 4 mths with a special 😴 💤 potion 😚🤗 your cosy warm, fur buddies and cutey stuffed animal friends cuddling up to you. Light 😚 on top of your head, turning lights out leaving a soft glow of a lavender candle giving you peace light and comfort. Nigh nite darlin see you tomorrow ☺

Love you darlin that won't ever change just deepen 💜👀👂🏻💑🍫

🕊 for tomorrow everyone 🌿

[Peppermintbach]

Hi wonderful Grandy and all,

Your earlier post made a lot of sense. ...I feel you’re showing a lot of personal insight into your own situation and thought process...more freedom must feel so frightening and unsettling because you’re not used to making your own decisions or doing things for yourself...

I agree with the others about taking your time with things. I’m sure, over time, you’ll “find” Grandy but I feel the process can’t be rushed. It isn’t an overnight thing...

The bingo comments must have really hurt. Grandy, you have done nothing wrong. All you ever did was treat your neighbours and townspeople with kindness and generosity...

Sending warm hugs and replenishing your picnics basket with an apple pie, scones, sandwiches, crackers, veggie sticks with dip, chocolate muffins and choccies bars..

Love and care,

Peppy xoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Deebi, Peppy,

Thank you both for your posts..

Deebi.. Firstly , I hope your doing okay today sweetheart, I am used to the people here they don't upset me anymore, most of them have never left this area, they have no idea at all about city life, some have never been their....I never hold grudges, or things like that. If any of the towns people knocked on my door I would welcome them with open arms, and a cuppa of course...

Your right about following the leader, we have two in town...Mrs arm, (village)....Publican (Town).... funny story (well not funny). Silly story about how that came about and what a shame they can't work together for the good of the town/village.......later maybe..

The bingo comments did hurt, it wasn't long after I shut up shop..They were there at biggest Morning tea...People are so silly sometimes...I don't know, never understood why people can be so cruel, mean or hurtful to others... Well I knew with hubby The why was power he was the law? Is it the same with all...Idk..

Yes I layed in bed the other night, again last night, and I fell asleep in bed, I slept 4 hours, I woke up then straight away I got up had a cuppa, but layed on the lounge from then...I'll bed tonight...I think it's over..yay..

The lady from darts msg me that no darts today..Ok...she said 3 people are not coming..Its very cold and windy here today..I made a cake last night for darts I will take it into work tomorrow ....

My lawn needs a mow soon, oh how I hate mowing, it takes me around 3 hours...maybe one day this week, need to find some motivation. mines run away somewhere..

Peppy...Thank you for saying I will find Grandy, Im not rushing it, I'm taking things day by day....Grandy will find herself one day....that means a lot to me...

I hope your day is a good day everyone..enjoy the day given to you, 💜🦄🌹..

Grandy.👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩🌹..

[Ggrand]

Hello Tim,

Thank you very much for your kindness,

Ive read your posts to me a few times, and now understand it properly,

I have started journaling before, but never seem to continue with it..I have no one to talk to about what I've written down, and because my thoughts were repeating themselves over and over again, I stopped, because they were starting to upset me.

Your idea sounds good, writing down 3 things to look forward to the next day.. also a pleasure , accomplishment , and gratitude.. daily, sound really hard to do Tim..I will give it a try and see how I go.... I'm not sure if I can find 3 different things that I'm looking forward to daily that are different each day...

.Okay, today is not a good day to start, already I'm feeling a big negative for the day because darts was canceled and I don't know what I'm doing as yet... Tomorrow I will buy a book and start to do what you have suggested, I hope I can continue without giving up.....I can do this, I can try....I appreciate your help a lot. Thank you..

Kind and caringbthoughts.

Grandy..