how do we just... continue?

[lostnvoid]

Hi, my names Wade, im 29 and i have a 5 year old son. This year has shaken our world and changed the outcomes of our lives.

In March, we lost our rock, our guide, the third piece of our family jigsaw puzzle. My partner of 10 years, my sons mother, passed away due to a sudden asthma attack at our family house.
Unable to help, and having to watch it all take place is a realm i wish no one enters.
Whats even worse, the paramedics came, before her fatal cardiac arrest, and mistreated my girl, because she was only 25 years old, fit and healthy in every other way, the paramedics assumed a panic attack and made her walk! to an elevator and down 6 stairs, even though she begged them not to move her, even though she told them 'i feel like i will die if you move me'
clearly if you cannot breathe, your going to panic right? this i will never understand.
The paramedics had all the information in front of them, they knew they were there for asthma, yet while inside they took no vital observations, did not monitor the heart, or even use a stethoscope. The assumption of a panic attack was made within the first minute of speaking with her, and that choice to move her without observations was fatal.
I am currently going threw investigations with the QAS and Health Ombudsman , which will prolong my experience even further.
I want to warn you all with loved ones with asthma. Asthmatics get good at living with their condition, so good they can hide and mask how bad they really are. My girl was an expert at this, and when the paramedics arrived she was able to converse in full sentences without a wheeze, this is 10 minutes before a cardiac arrest.
First assessment no one would no she had asthma, even though she said she was worried about it and wanted it checked up, but they didn't want that, they wanted her to walk to the ambulance so they could get her to hospital in case it was to progress.
Seems fair, but the moment she stood up, tears ran down her face and she knew it was not right, and begged for them to help her.
Arrogant young paramedics kept telling her to calm down, your asthma is fine there no wheeze, your just having a panic attack.
The way i see this, if she was 80 years old, and she said she feels like she will die, they would not have moved her.

The asthma was there, and always the concern, but had the paramedics spent a bit of time and done an examination, they wouldnt have moved her, and maybe avoiding the arrest.

[lostnvoid]

thought id also add, my soulmate didn't pass away from asthma, her asthma made a full recovery in hospital.
she passed away 1 week after the attack due to swelling on the brain, which could of been avoided if the correct duty of care was done.

[Swan_13]

Hi Wade,

Thank you for sharing your story with us…it must be so painful to talk about losing your partner. Reading through your post was heartbreaking so I can’t imagine what it’s like for you living it on a daily basis. I can imagine you would have shared a lot of amazing experiences together over those ten years. It sounds like you have a lot of love for her and feel a void without her.

It would be shattering to have plans for your life and have them changed in a matter of seconds. Your son sounds very important to you and seems like he makes you want to carry on. Like you said, I’m sure this has shaken his world as well as yours. What is he like?

I completely understand the anger and frustration you’re feeling towards the paramedics for jumping to conclusions that she was having a panic attack. Nobody wants to feel their loved ones have been mistreated. The fact that those assumptions shouldn’t have been made must be something you think about often. I’m so sorry that you are having to relive this pain through the investigations that are going on.

I’m hoping you find all the support you deserve on these forums and with the people in your life – you do not have to go through this alone.

Talk soon

[lostnvoid]

Thanks swan for your reply.
My boy is a wonder, and has been much stronger then me threw this, pulling me out of downward spirals, coming up to me saying its ok daddy.
His imagination runs rife still, hes little world does stop from time to time, when the realization of it all hits him, and he breaks down, he knows mum is gone, he knows she cant come back.
Hes 5, as he grows and gets used to our life now, it will be the norm to be just him and dad.

Re guarding the investigations, its going to turn nasty, as there responses to this have been a string of excuses.
i know exactly what happened, they prey on me not understanding. Lucky for me, i know how the body works, and know exactly how it transpired.
Once the body moves, it requires more oxygen to the heart, just as if we were exercising.
Her airway was so blocked, but while in bed at home, she was able to manage as her heart was getting enough oxygen, just.
but once she was made to move, the body required more oxygen to the heart, heart beats faster to account for the effort required to move.
Once the heart reached a certain BPM, the airways where to blocked to allow the extra oxygen to heart, causing it to stop. This in turn stopped the brain, at this time she was getting wheeled into the back of the ambulance on the stretcher she just walked to.
that arrest is what took her life, no blood or glucose to the brain causes damage, where ever there is damage it results in swelling on the body.
When the brain swells, people can survive, but with permanent brain damage which would require 24 hour care.
She did not pass away due to the asthma, her lungs made a full recovery in hospital, she passed away due to the swelling, which could of all been avoided, if proper duty of care was applied.

i have the rest of my life to fight this, there is nothing to go home too, no one waiting for me.
we have been robbed, but life goes on, and there is worse off then us. we will be strong.
and i refuse to back down, if i can do one last thing for her, this is it.

saying goodbye is extremely hard.
but whats worse is ill never be able to say hello again.
Thanks Swan.

[Doolhof]

Hi lostnvoid,

The death of a loved one is difficult in any circumstance. I'm sorry to read about the sad and tragic death of your partner and the understandable loneliness and grief this has caused you and your son.

Do you have family and friends around you who are supportive and caring? Are there people you can talk to about how you are feeling?

It sounds like you are possibly re-living the trauma and sense of loss and maybe hopelessness over and again with this investigation. I hope it progresses to a point where you have answers.

You have a lot to deal with at present. Would you consider some grief counselling for you and your son? It does not take all the pain away. It does not bring the person back to life. It can help with a sense of healing that may be beneficial.

One thing I found in my own time of grieving was that other people's lives keep on continuing. That seemed strange to me at the time. Our lives do continue, they are just extremely different.

Wishing you and your son well.

Sympathy from Dools

[lostnvoid]

Hi Dools and Thank you for the support.

i do have a big family, whom has helped me as much as possible, above and beyond really, but i guess theirs a cloud that covers me, that unfortunately nobody can reduce.

Closure is a strange thing, even with closure, people understandably struggle with coping and its still a daily fight. I feel currently, without my closure, without the answers i seek, this cloud will stick around, not allowing me to start my personal recovery process.

Its the things i took for granted that are the plague on my plate, knowing and seeing the concerns now, instead of when they were apparent allows the storm to continue.
But your right, peoples lives do continue, people don't freeze in time until they experience that for themselves.
Everyday that sun rises, and that lady is out exercising, this is what i found particularly difficult, the expectation to continue, to get up and adult, to be apart of the rat race and the expectation to still be professional within the work environment, just like nothing ever happened hey?

Society isn't great when it comes to death, because no one likes talking about it, and for good reason.
But to experience this first hand, when people don't know what to say, or avoid you all together this becomes evident that death is taboo. Its easier to say nothing.

There's no way i could describe my journey, or even my current state, and i think that's normal.
I do believe things will get better, but i also believe i could easily not allow it to.

Like every one says, theirs no set pattern or guidebook to walk me threw this, its the feeling you get when you strap into a roller-coaster, that feeling of, will i actually survive this?
All im hoping for is the feeling when you get off, that gosh, that was quite a ride, that rush of nerves you get when, you did it and did survive, and look back and say, well you know what... i done it.
A ride i wish im never part of again, but opportunity's that arise from it all, should never be missed.

Like these support groups, i would never of thought that online internet forums would be any use besides the banter of online gaming, but now i'm thankful, that i can write my thoughts, and not be alone.

[Doolhof]

Hi lostnvoid,

The community here is a special place! There are many people who work behind the scenes at Beyond Blue to ensure this is a safe and caring place for everyone who connects here.

You have expressed yourself amazingly well. Grief and loss hits us all differently. People may not know what to say, maybe you could tell people it is okay for them not to have any words, just being there for you is enough some days.

One thing I learned in my times of grief, is that it is okay to laugh and be happy. That may be a strange idea, but I felt like I didn't have a right to be happy at all. That is a peculiar thought as life does go on and life can be beautiful!

The roller coaster ride can be daunting. Hope you manage to survive it and keep on going, wobbly knees and all.

All the best from Dools