Suggestions for a Grieving Mother?

[Lisbeth]

Dear Forum,

We lost our 29 year old son due to suicide one month ago. My internal clock stopped then. If you asked me the date I calculate it from the time he died. Outwardly I look to others like I am amazing - back at work, went to a conference last week. Internally, I am an absolute mess, foggy, teary, and really wanting to be left alone except my husband. I do have an incredibly understanding husband and a psychiatrist.

We don't want to share the details of our son's death, except with medical professionals and a very close inner family circle. I don't want to be re traumatised by retelling the story and don't want to be defined as the mother as son committed suicide in a horrendous manner. We want to control the narrative. That is 'he has been ill for some years and his death was sudden and we are all very sad?' Is this OK?

All that is important is my son is no longer with us and my heat is bleeding. Any suggestions for immediate ideas or actions from those who have been in this situation on how to cope over the next few weeks?

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Lisbeth,

I’m deeply sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine or truly understand the incredible pain you must be feeling. You sound absolutely devastated and heartbroken...

Sorry, I realise that I’m necessarily the person you would want a reply from as I haven’t been in a similar situation. But I still wanted to reach out to you because I felt very saddened by what you’re going through...I’ve lost loved ones too but for different reasons, which I understand is just not the same as what you’re going through...

I think it’s important that you’re defining the narrative. Grief and loss and coping comes out in so many different ways...

I wonder if you’ve perhaps taken a look at the Lifeline website. They specialise in this area with information, a helpline, support for grieving loved ones who have lost someone who passed by their ownn hand and a range of other services. I feel there might be ideas and specialised assistance there in terms of coping. If you’re interested, they should be fairly easy to find if you just search “Lifeline” in your browser.

I know there’s nothing that I can say that will truly offer much comfort. But I’m thinking of you and my heart goes out to you...

Kindness and care,

Pepper

[quirkywords]

Lisbeth,

I too express my deep sympathy for your loss.

I have adult children and can't begin to imagine how you are feeling at this time.

I do have a friend whose son took his own life several years ago. She told me after her sons suicide she was physically and emotionally exhausted. As you work through your grief, please be careful to protect your own well-being by seeing your doctor.

My friend said to grieve in your own way. Do what's right for you, not necessarily someone else.

Your healing will occur at its own pace. My friend said she regrets pushing herself too much in the first 6 months.

Expect setbacks. Some days will be better than others, even years after the suicide — and that's OK.

Also if you type into the search engine at top of the page you will find similar topics that may help you.

Please feel free to post here. You are not alone and there is support here.

Ending you kind thoughts

Quirky

[Lisbeth]

Thanks so much Pepper - I really appreciate your affirmation of us controlling the narrative as all of the sites talk about us needing to share our story with numerous people and the thought of that makes me feel physically ill especially at a time when we want to remember our darling as the funny loving man he was.

I will look up the Lifeline resources. To be honest there seems so little on how to manage the first weeks (apart from many suggestions to plant a rose garden which has become a rather bad joke in our house). again thank you

[Lisbeth]

Thank you so much

[quirkywords]

Lisbeth ,

Thanks for your reply.

I agree that controlling your own narrative is very important.

Thats what I meant by doing your own things your own way. There is no one way of grieving.

I am not sure if you are up to reading a book, but Mal and Dianne McKissock , have written a book now in its 5 edition about Coping with Grief. and a book by Diane McKissock , Coping with Grief after Suicide.

The author uses her own personal experience and her professional experience as a specialist bereavement counsellor over many decades.

I have read the first book and it is a general book that reassures you to do what feels right. I have not read the second book, but she like her husband Mal is a specialist bereavement counsellor.

Quirky

[Birdy77]

Dear Lisbeth,

I, too, am so deeply sorry to hear of the devastating loss of your darling, funny, loving son.

Although I've not lost a child, which is its own unique horror, I have lost a loved one by their own hand - it feels like a separate foreign country of pain, where the language of grief is unknown.

Pepper and Quirky's suggestions are sound, and I wanted to also mention a resource that I found helpful (and still do, a few years on): I found the Support After Suicide Service attached to the forensic pathologists office (or coroner) very helpful and supportive as they have specialist counsellors dedicated to supporting you.

supportaftersuicide.org.au

standbysupport.com.au

~ are two places that may help to guide you towards some specialised support.

I am sending you the warmest, most caring vibes and am glad you've come here.

❤❤❤

🌻birdy

[Birdy77]

Dear Lisbeth,

I apologise for the double post, but I wanted to mention something else to you about my understanding your wish to control the narrative as much as you can, and to give you my resounding opinion of "yes it is completely ok".

I suppose the advice to share the details with others may be to open up more avenues of compassion and support, but in my experience it is unnecessary and all it helped with doing was bringing the raw and excruciating pain to the surface again and again - as if you're not already doing enough of that.

Some of it of course is out of your control.

What I found horrendous was the enforced lack of control. As an example, in the weeks just after the devastating fact, i was given an interim death certificate that pretty candidly stated the horrible way my loved one passed. I was forced to issue this information to all and sundry: the bank, the phone company, insurance, a travel agent (!!), just to close accounts, cancel tickets etc.

I felt it was a gross violation of privacy.

So, in all other matters (in which I had a small amount if control) and as I was the person to find my loved one when they had passed, I wanted to keep the horrifying details to myself and a very, very small circle, on a strictly need-to-know basis.

It is Your grief Lisbeth, and Your devastating experience and there is no specified way that someone else can tell you to do anything at all - You do what You can cope with at any given moment as you pass through this agonising time.

Whatever you do, however you do it, as long as you are taking care of yourself and your loved ones, is absolutely 100% ok and you don't need to explain it to anybody unless you want to.

❤❤❤

🌻birdy

[Lisbeth]

Dear Birdy77, Thanks you so much, - absolutely, it a gross invasion of privacy and should not be imposed on families

I have written to the Coroner to have the death certificate to be more 'medical' and am awaiting to hear back from them. This is very normal in many cases and I have seen it done before by Coroners (who may I say in this instance have been amazing), In the meantime, the funeral director seems to want to 'finalise' everything and is putting pressure on us due to their obligations. Not my problem.

[Birdy77]

Dear Lisbeth,

I did the same thing, applied for an amended certificate, and they kindly did so once the coroner had completed all examinations and tests, which, from memory, took several weeks to be reissued, maybe a couple of months.

I wonder if you might be able to get a counsellor from the coroner's office to speak to the funeral directors on your behalf, if they are putting undue pressure on you and making things more stressful - it's so disheartening to hear that is happening: they of all people should understand what a hideous time this is for you.

Please be really, really gentle with yourself. Thinking of you and your husband.

🌻birdy