Depression as a result of my husband of 45 years having dementia.

[Scargill]

My husband has been in "low level" care for 14 months & 2 weeks ago, whilst I was in hospital, was transferred to a Dementia Specific Unit. I was his carer for about 4 years prior to him going into care. My own health problems were increasing & I was finding it very hard looking after him. I have had depression for sometime but it has increased greatly since my husband has been "in care". Due to me not being able to tolerate medications for depression I have been having TMS which was helping but this last lot was during my husbands transfer to the D.S.U.  I have been extremely depressed since. Let me explain a little..... my husband was the first man I went out with as I was scared of men due to assaults as a 10 year old & a teenager.  But when I met my husband it was amazing. We have had 45 years of wonderful marriage. He was my rock. But he is fast disappearing & it is heartbreaking. It was suggested to me by one of the staff at the hospital I was in to write him a letter about our life. Well, I think I'm a coward as so far I have only been able to write about 5 lines. I' m scared,I think, of feeling even worse if I go back to look at the wonderful life with him I had. So.......... any suggestions, thoughts, ideas would/could be helpful. Yes, I know I am grieving but its so damn hard. Yes I have had suicidal thoughts but so far the voice in my head has prevailed  "Ellen you have your daughters & grandchildren to think about" so you can't kill yourself.  I hope I can keep hearing that voice.

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[geoff]

dear Ellen, my apologies as I have just checked out your post, but thank you so much for explaining your difficult and worrying comment.

It's great that Neil has replied back to you, as no post should go unanswered, he's been a terrific responder to so many people, but now he deserves a holiday and from what he has described it does sound to be brilliant, and I hope so much that he and his family enjoy it.

Can I just mention and I'm sure Neil won't mind if I tell you, that even though he has replied to so many people he himself is also struggling, and perhaps I should leave it there, because it wouldn't be ethical for me to say why, but it's on his posts, and although they are long about 1997 they are there somewhere, I will stop there.

I have a friend whose husband too has dementia and they are in their 80's, and every month he goes into respite while she takes a few days off, and their friends say that she gives him a hard time, but this is the only way she can communicate with him.

There are days where he will go and change his clothes multiple times a day, or you could be talking to him, and then suddenly he loses his thoughts and stops, where it could be half way through what he wants to say, and then half an hour later he then remembers his lost thoughts and then interrupts you and continues on.

She has to mash his food in fear that he may choke, but he has a tendency to shove it in his mouth, so he has to wear a bib.

Neil, my good friend has discussed many issues with you so I don't need to duplicate what he has said.

Having dementia is such a terrible way to finish your last years of life, not only for the person but also the carer, but probably the carer is worse off, because if you have this disease you don't know what has hit you, so they don't understand what is going on.

I feel so sorry for the both of you and I do hope that stay on this site and be able to talk to us. L Geoff. x

[Scargill]

Neill  I wish you & your family a fantastic holiday. Enjoy the amazing scenery, come back safe & sound & with lots & lots of wonderful memories.

Bless you all muchly

Ellen

[Scargill]

Hello Geoff,

Thank-you so much for your supportive words & thoughts.  They are very welcome. I have found it very good being able to come to this site & talk to folk like Neill & yourself. As I live in a Retirement Village ( we came here 19 years ago )  & am in the oldest part of it, I haven't many neighbours. I am fortunate to have very good church friends who are there for me but knowing that people here have a better idea of what I'm talking about is a real blessing also. Anyone who says Christians shouldn't be depressed need their 'eads read. There are many places in in the bible that tell us of godly people being depressed. Oh dear , 'scuse me but I'm about to get "carried away". My daughter in Vic. has a Pastor who tells her that christians should'nt get depressed & as for taking anti-depressants .... well . As she is suffering with depression at the moment that is not helpful. I'm thinking of introducing her to this site. Ellen, shut up while you can !!!!

I've started going through the photo albums & all the other loose photo's. Wow what memories. I just hope that my husband can really remember some of the times they show. Amazing & wonderful memories. Okay. Time to shut up before I flood me keyboard again !!  Thanks Geoff once more.

Bless you & yours muchly

Ellen

[geoff]

dear Ellen, thanks for replying.

It's interesting I had to do a search on the net about priests who had depression, well the board just lit up, because no one is immune from having this disease, and look at all the famous great leaders of the world who have also been struck down with depression.

Your husband may have flashbacks about all the wonderful times you both had.

It's amazing when I sit here and think about what is going to happen to me in the next few years it horrifies me, so I stop, we just take it day by day, as I have known people who have kept fit everyday day of their life, but suddenly pass away,

I hope that your daughter finds some strength to be able to fight this awful illness, and I also hope that you you and hubby keep well. L Geoff. x

[Scargill]

Mornin' Geoff,

Took a photo album over to my husband this morning of the time we spent in Canada with our daughter 12 years ago. I think he truly remembered  some of it but not really sure. However, he certainly enjoyed looking at the Autumn colours. We were there in Sept. & our daughter took us all over the place. Awesome mountains, rivers, lakes etc.

I decided to go over there this morning instead of waiting for "Sundowner syndrome" to set in this afternoon. He is definately much worse in the afternoon. Also had a phone call from the staff about 9-45 last night to say he was very agitated, upset & would I / could I talk to him 'cause they weren't getting anywhere with calming him down. So, spoke to him & managed to say the right things ( I'm learning !! ) & they told me this morning he settled /calmed down after that.

All I need now is for me to calm down & feel good for a change. Now that I would really like !!!!  Ah well. See what else the day brings.

Again thanks Geoff.

Ellen

[Scargill]

Maybe I need to be phoning someone but I'll try here first. Today is a lousy day. I've cried in me cornflakes, I've cried over my book. I'm just a mess today. So damn down & depressed. Made meself go up the street to my favourite Caff as they are friends not just folk who serve me a coffee. But I'm back home & feelin' so low. There has been no "up" time since my last lot of TMS but I think that is because my husband was put in the Dementia Specific Unit whilst I was havin' the last lot. It hit me more than I realised. So................ what do I do today to improve things. Damned if I know. Okay. That'll do.

Ellen

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Ellen, 

I haven't posted to you before as I have been in a funk of my own, but I have been following silently. It certainly seems a rough spot which you are in, and I can't imagine what watching your husband detioriate can be doing to you. 

What to do on days  when dark thoughts are circling and we just can't get a breathe of air? Little things. I boff my nails, or redye my hair. If I don't have the energy for that, I make myself a cup of tea and sit outside to drink it, listening to the birds. Little things just for you, which you enjoy, or used to.  Good on you for getting out of thehouse in a mood like this, it is something that I struggle with.

So little things. A wise friend called Neil once told me they may seem like little things now, but they are big things in the bigger picture. 

GA

[Scargill]

Bless your cotton socks for your post. Like you I try & "do" something when I'm feeling really down. It usually means going up to my local Caff for a cuppa. I think I said somewhere else that they are not just folk who sell me a coffee they are really good friends. The first time I was in hospital the boss lady & her partner came to see me. It can be very hard making yourself do summat. I know I have to really make myself get up & go. There are times where it's hard to get out of bed as well. But hey, what would I do in bed all day !!  So it's tellin' meself to get goin'. Usually works. Not always. But so far I've managed to talk myself into being sensible. When I am feeling suicidal I have this voice in my head telling me " Ellen you have 2 daughters & 2 grandkids who all need you"  So far the voice in my head has been heard.

I thank-you again for your post & if it is okay with you I will ask my friends at church to pray for you. As will I. 

Bless you muchly

Ellen

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Ellen, 

Keep hearing that voice. I don't have kids, but I am a crazy cat lady in training. I have photos (many photos) of my two cats on my tablet, so when ever I look at the screen saver, or the background there are my two precious reasons  for living. 

In my worst moments, I just stare at those pictures and cry under my doona. Not a cheery or active method , but hey I'm still here. Thats if the cats aren't around themselves, in which case I pet them as long as they let me. 

I have similar friends who run a shop, who I used to do martial arts classes for. They came and visited me in hospital too. Really good friemds, though I haven't seen them since the divorce due to the shop being a bit further away then my head will let me get to on public transport. One day though, I will visit them again.

GA