Dealing with a friends suicide

[peking]

I'm a 54yr old male and have been sharing my accommodation with three guys in their 20's . This is not what I had in mind but something that just occurred. It seems I collect strays.

In April we moved from my two bedroom unit to a four bedroom house and all seemed to be great. One of the guys "S" had started a relationship in October last year and another started his in May this year. It was a great happy noisy house and I thought this was as close to perfect as I would ever experience.

On June 2nd S

killed himself. In no way can I understand why he did this. The pain he has left us with is at times unbearable.

Fortunately because of my history with depression and anxiety I was of a clear enough mind to organise to get professional help. Whilst this help has been of some help there are times like today when I just want to lash out at people or things or my cats or my friends.

I hurt so much I just want to hurt someone or something.

I'm close to the other guys and we talk a lot and have all been reconciling this in our own way but I'm scarred that I'm

not coping. I love to cook and can't think of a thing I want to cook and when I do I don't want to eat. I'm an avid photographer but don't want to touch my camera and it's hard to work on the photo's I have on the computer. I love listening to music but at the moment I can't stand the noise. At times I want to hurt others or me so that I feel something else. I know it's not rational but then what he did was not rational.

I love him and miss him so much. I can't see a time when this will be alright. At present I can't see a time when this will be OK. At present I just don't see a future.

Everyone keeps telling me it gets better. When? How? After dealing with my other stuff for over thirty years I wonder how I'm going to deal with this.

As some other posters have put I'm not after sympathy. It's pointless and I get enough of it at present. I guess what I'm after is to understand. Not why he did it as I don't think any of us could do that. I want to understand why such a beautiful man has left such a dark place in me. I want to understand how can I make me right.


beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

 

[JessF]

Hello peking, I think suicide affects us differently to when someone dies in another way because it seems so alien to us (when we are well, that is). OUr survival instinct is so strong, so programmed into us, that when something like this happens WHY WHY WHY is just a repeated refrain.

And it's not just WHY did this person do this, as you say, it resonates deeper into WHY am I living this life... it makes you question everything. It shakes you up.  I guess I am trying to say it is normal for you to feel like this.  Just as when someone dies it makes us think about our own mortality, when someone dies at their own hand it makes us think about our own lives and how we are living.

As someone who has attempted my own life and have had suicidal feelings, I can say that when you're in this space that all logic and rationality goes out the window. But the more I read stories like yours, I hope they sink into my brain and make me stronger for the future because we really have no idea just how it would affect everyone around us if we were to go through with it.  Even though it feels like we don't matter, we always matter to someone, even if it's someone we haven't known for that long as is the case with you and this young man.  And I hope you can see this applying to you as well.  

[white knight]

Hi Peking,

My brother left us in similar circumstances. That was in 1979...he was a teacher and 27yo. 

That dark hole that "S" left in your grieving mind was the same dark hole my brother left. I dedicated that 'hole' to him and no one person or thing has ever occupied it since.

My brother loved Elvis who had passed the year before so every time I hear an Elvis song - yep, it is placed in that hole for him like a wreath.

My brother liked Bruce Lee. So everytime I watch Olympics with judo etc its dedicated to him.

In time that process becomes automatic. My brothers own gravesite is in that hole, my devotion to his lasting memory and a place I treasure.

This also allows me to free up the rest of my mind to family and friends who need me.

Hand over your shoulder to you mate.

[AGrace]

Hi Peking,

I'm sorry for your loss. Its still so new so I imagine it still feels so raw. When I opened up to grief it felt like someone had taken off my skin and every nerve was exposed.  No doubt you, and all others touched by suicide have felt this very thing.

Every individual will have a different answer to your questions. Mine is the dark place he left inside you represents your love for one another. How do you fix you? By shining a light on that dark place in everything you do. Talk about it, let yourself feel all the feelings, consider how he would want you to go on, give that dark space time, the light wont be bright immediately,  it will start off as a delicate flicker. Do things in honor of him (posting here and sharing with others is an incredible start). Remember him for all he was not just in death. 

If you have started to see a therapist good on you. The last thing he would want from you is for you to hurt yourself or others. Keep seeing this person for as long as you need, there's no timeframe on grief so be patient with yourself. 

I hope you will continue to let us know how you're travelling,  hopefully it will help you and perhaps even someone else.

AGrace

[peking]

Thank you for your reply.

Yes I am often questioning why am I living this life?

I'm sure I matter to some people but I don't understand why.

I'm really not that good a person.

[peking]

Thank you for your reply.

I'll try what you did and try to make something memorable of that dark place he has left. It just constantly seems such a waste as he was such a loud and vibrant person.

[white knight]

Peking,

It's ok. Whatever you are feeling- it's ok. It isnt easy. Nothing in life for us grieving souls is easy. 

I've met many a tough man out there- as a warder in the 70's I met the toughest of men both prison officer and inmates. But they all grieve, they all feel what we all go through during these times, maybe silently for some, out loud for others.

Go through the process. Try not to analyise why about things. We are here to listen. Feel free to ask. Most of us have been right where you are at right now.

My outlet in times of sadness or grief is poetry. I wrote this poem in 1992 after my dad died. It is now one of 250 more, written in times of depression only. It helps, but that's my way of coping. You might find other ways to get you through this period.

DAD'S WRINKLES

Soon it became obvious

As my ol' man came of age

that the strain of life itself

did complete another page

And as his book filled up

to complete the final scene

I knew each wrinkle on his face

and which ones came from me

And as I read the last line

of the chapter not complete

it tells of his twilight years

that he knew, he'd never meet

Dad was never scared

to pass away

he faced it brave and strong

and I knew each wrinkle on his face

and which ones came from me....

WK