But how? I thought that there was nothing more for me.

[JamesCarer]

I remember the moment Mum slipped away at home next to me under my palliative care. The images are still sharp, crisp, intense and visceral. My bodies response was just as potent. The strength of the bonds I built with my mum due to me being her only carer for 15 years were unbreakable but they were also the reason things were about to get real bad.

My physical reaction to grief was immediate. That night, I remember waking on my bed in another room, being held and comforted by my younger brother. I couldn't remember how I got there. He informed me that I smashed a TV and a console while I had a seizure. 

But I don't have seizures or suffer from epilepsy. In the coming weeks, scans would show that there was nothing wrong with my brain yet I continued to have seizures including a sharp, sleep-depriving increase in hypnic jerks. The diagnosis was psychgenic epilepsy. So this was happening because of grief? 

I didn't know that grief could be so physical. I mean, I'd heard some things but not to this extent. Over the coming weeks things became worse and worse. Sleep deprived and missing my mum's words of wisdom and comforting cuddles, my mental health took a dive. 

Despite being around some family, I started to think that the world had forgotten about me. I didn't feel just alone, I felt isolated from everything I thought I knew. A stranger in a world that didn't have a place for me. You see, 15 years of intense, full-time caring meant I rarely left the house. Friendships fell apart and my needs often were never even an afterthought. 

Then, suddenly, I had to return to the professional setting. My job, a secondary school teacher, had changed so much and I was lacking in training. My experience with government support was so abysmal that I lived without a wage due to the compounding stress the system was adding to my mental health. Long term carers are falling through the cracks but that's a story for another time. 

I also had to sell the house because of greedy family members (another story). So in a the space of a few months, I'd lost my mother, my house, my job and a number of people that I thought appreciated what I did for Mum. Things weren't looking good and I began contemplating the end. I knew it wasn't a solution so I created a safety plan using the Beyond Now application. 

A few months ago, something changed. It wasn't much but it was enough for me to decide to go for a walk. Seeing people outside living their lives, cars driving by and the sun, you know, the simple things in life, had a profound effect on me. I honestly can't explain how this change came about. Grief was so powerful I thought I'd be stuck in this cycle of torment forever. 

But I'm not. I started visiting the beach, I started playing the piano again - for me. I started taking care of myself. Slowly, my confidence returned. Instead of feeling worthless, I started believing that I had so much to give, I had value and I was worth something more. For the first time in a while the sun was shining for me. The world hadn't forgotten me. I'd forgotten the world and how to live for ME. People were noticing. I was being noticed because I wasn't psychologically huddled in a dark corner. I was proclaiming that I exist. 

I even met someone truly special and we are building a healthy relationship based on love, trust, compassion and understanding. I thought I was going to die a lonely old man. I was convinced. I still ask myself what the hell is happening and how was I able to recover from this. 

But I recovered. I still miss Mum but I miss her with a smile. She smiles right back because I kept my promise of living for me. I'm under no illusion that everything will be perfect but I now also have the skills and self-worth to deal with future trials better.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello JamesCarer

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can see how very hard it is for you and it's really good that you find a way how to recover. It's a very inspiring story and I really appreciate you sharing it. I myself enjoy walking as well when it gets too bad. I find it very relaxing and grounding. It helps me to get out of my head and see the good things around me.

Thank you again

[JamesCarer]

Hi TrueSeeker,

I guess that's why I wanted to share it. A few months ago I never thought this would happen. I thought that I was too far down the rabbit hole to ever come back from this. People here said it would get better but I didn't believe them much. 

I'm sorry for your loss, grief, pain and anything that might be too painful to mention. I haven't cried for Mum in about 2 months. There are times when I'm close but the difference in how I mourn her now and the helplessness and isolation I felt then is profound. 

I sincerely hope you keep enjoying those walks and maybe one day, the good will become visible to you again. It's so hard to see, I know. It has to be there, though, waiting for the moment when you're ready to take it with you.

[TrueSeeker]

Hello James Carer

Thank you very much for your interest. We all have a story here and I do believe that with the right effort things can become much better.

I've been abused most of my life and dealt with cancer treatment. I've pretty well been pushing through all of it, just putting on brave face, ignoring bad things and focusing on creating good things. It worked till late forties when it got all too much and I fell apart. I was a mess, I felt lost and thought that I could not trust my mind again, it all got scrambled and whole life trauma got released all at once. I had to face all the things that I locked away and didn't want to face. All the pain of my life came crushing on me. I had horrible panic attacks, night terrors, derealisation, depersonalisation and disassociation. Fight or flight instinct kept being triggered and caused a lot of intrusive thoughts.

I had to learn how to face my distressing memories in a calm way and process everything to make sense out of it all so I can feel half normal again. I decided that I want to face it all and never lock anything away again as it will eventually surface anyway in a very uncontrolled painful way. It took me a year to desensitise all the traumas and probably hundreds of kilometres walking to keep myself calm and grounded. To fix my mind, I decided to only focus on what actually happened and remove all the opinions and unhealthy coping mechanisms. I wanted my mind being fully aligned with reality to avoid confusion and to be able to learn lessons from what happened. I'm still processing and making sense out of a lot of things but I found that all I need to do is to let my mind calmly face all the reality (not just the good parts of it) and it's slowly organising it, seeing patterns, learning lessons and accepting the world as it is on its own. No more escaping for me. The aim is to focus on getting good things from life while knowing how to protect myself from the bad things.

I'm really happy that you found a way how to get through it all and start seeing good things again. I start having good moments too and I'm very grateful for that. It does help to keep going.

Thank you again, I wish you all the best and I hope that we will hear more stories and strategies from you
whenever you feel like sharing them

[Eagle Ray]

Dear JamesCarer and wave to TrueSeeker,

Thank you so much for sharing your inspiring post, and you too TrueSeeker for sharing your story. Grief really can have those extreme effects. I was a sole carer too and at the end of it my mental and physical health both collapsed, especially after more stressful incidents following my mother's death. I am still, 5 years later, slowly working my way out of it all, but things are indeed looking up and it's just so wonderful to hear your story and that you are building a new life with someone special. These stories of recovery and healing are so beneficial for others to read. And that living for you is so important - I am beginning to learn to do this for myself now and your post is so encouraging on that journey.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray