My Dad is dying and I don't want to see him

[Soberlicious96]

On November 20th last year (2024) my Dad was diagnosed with a multitude of aggressive cancerous tumours all throughout his body. Doctors said he would probably die by Christmas but somehow he is still going. He can't eat, can't toilet himself, can't get out of bed ..... he's barely existing and is probably weighing in at about 40 kilos, if that. He's in palliative care 30 minutes away. My issue is that I just want it all to be over. I'm sick of watching waste away and don't want to continue to go see him every week, even though I feel I should and know that I can. Cancer sucks and is breaking my heart. I feel so guilty for not wanting to see him. I just want it to be over. Why do people have to go through this? We wouldn't let our pets suffer like that. He's asked about euthanasia and to be honest, I kind of wish it could be done now. This is tearing me up and I can't take much more. 

[Summer Rose]

Hi Soberlicious96

I’m very sorry that your Dad is suffering so much at the end of his life due to cancer. It’s a horrible, relentless, cruel disease—but you already know that. 

I lost my mum to lung cancer after her long courageous battle, so I can put myself in your shoes. I understand your pain.

From my experience, I believe that your feelings of “wanting it to be over” are not unusual. You are human and it is incredibly difficult to watch someone you love waste away.
With my mum, I reached a point where I needed a break. I was literally falling apart and barely making it in survival mode. Guilt-ridden, I saw a counsellor who essentially gave me permission to care for myself. I stepped back briefly but kept up communication to let mum know that I still loved her and had not forgotten her. My sister picked up the slack. 
The difference between my situation and yours is that mum wasn’t close to dying at the time, I knew we would have more time and we did.
When I could cope better, I resumed my carers’ role and even provided relief to my sister in her time of need. 

I can’t advise you to visit or not visit because you have to live with the consequences. I really just wanted you to know that you’re not alone with your feelings. 
Hang in there and please post any time.
Kind thoughts to you

[Soberlicious96]

He has actually mow been approved for voluntary assisted dying, due to happen next week. I don't know how to process all this and I am experiencing a whole gamut of emotions. Trying to take it one day at a time but just want to cry more and more. This is one of the hardest things to go through. I feel so helpless.

[Summer Rose]

I’m so sorry for your pain, Soberlicious96.
Of course you are crying—I’m sure your sense of grief is intense. I also understand that you are physically and emotionally exhausted.
Try to take good care of yourself.  You might find it helpful to call the beyondblue support line to talk your feelings through with a counsellor.

I’d like to encourage you to remember what you have: a compassionate outcome for your Dad that reflects his wishes and will end his suffering and bring him peace.

I understand your feeling of helplessness in the context of such inevitability. I know that I, too, would feel overwhelmed.

It’s time to breathe. Dig deep and tap into the strength inside you. This strength will help you get through what you need to do over the coming week, as you have an important opportunity to honour your father as he prepares to leave our planet. 
You can do this. 
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Hey, just touching base to let you know that I’m thinking of you and your dad. 
Sending light and kind thoughts your way💜

[Soberlicious96]

Thankyou Summer Rose. I will touch base again later in the week. 💙

[Soberlicious96]

Update: saw my Dad yesterday (as I do every Tuesday) and he was struggling to stay awake and had laboured breathing.

I had a night away from home last night, 100 kms away, and went shopping thismorning and was kind of okay until I saw all the fathers day stuff and lost my composure in the middle of a Big W store. I can't buy him a card because he can't see it, I can't buy him lollies because he can't chew or swallow. I can't buy him a book because then he'll try and 'hang on' and take his time to try and read it but he can't see properly ..... I can only ask him to relax and let go. I can only remind him, time and again that we will be okay, he just needs relax and let go. And at this stage, fathers day on Sunday, almost seems like a mega marathon for him to make it that far.

[Summer Rose]

Hello again

Not everyone gets to know what you know ahead of time. 

It can be a blessing, giving people time to prepare and say goodbye, or as you experienced at Big W, a curse. I’m sorry that you were overwhelmed in the store, it must have been very painful for you.

Yes, the best gift you can give your father now is permission to go. The words are hard to say but so important. They embody all the love and compassion you have for your father. 
Your father will let go when he is ready. Please take comfort knowing—whether you are present or not—that he will take with him all the love you have given him in life. 
Please take good care of yourself. Don’t forget to eat. Sleep when you’re tired. Try to quiet your mind by getting outside for a walk, listening to music or meditating—whatever works for you. Lean on your family and friends and post anytime. 
Kind thoughts to you

[Summer Rose]

Courage💜

[Soberlicious96]

It's happened. He's gone 😭❤️💔 Passed peacefully with us all here at his side. My Dad is finally at rest. No more pain, no more suffering.