Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

[Cymru]

Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family; with brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and various others who loved and confused him with equal measure.

As a child Nick was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. This meant that Nick's experience of the world was more confusing than for most of us, as the analytical stream of his brain and the emotional stream were less interconnected.He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents' divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life.

Nick had a powerful memory. Before he started school he could name each of the Thomas-The-Tank-Engines. But while he could place one or two of his toy trains away in his toy box, when faced with too many he was unable to comprehend a solution. As an adolescent Nick mastered catching after back-flipping at trapeze.

He had abundant patience, which he drew on when working as a personal care attendant. He cooked meals for his brothers and father. Nick enjoyed drawing, as did his grandfather and great-grandfather who shared a family curse of depression. Nick could be maddening to live with; he might tidy up but not completely, staying up late and expressing decided opinions. He often preferred activities that were familiar, with people he knew; especially his brothers and cousins.

He joined a drawing group at a burlesque club, and few months ago went to the Russian Film Festival, with musicians, dancers, vodka shots and pretty girls. Nick had sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. He accepted a referral to a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments.

Nick had also enrolled in a TAFE course in bakery. He had not been shy about early hours, hard work.

We cannot know what was in Nick's mind on the evening he died and why he so hastened into this good night. His family is earnestly reflected on how we might have better supported Nick.

Nick is buried with his mother.

Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

[Doolhof]

Hi Russell,

It can be tough having to deal with emotions and thoughts of loved ones.

When we moved house almost 4 years ago, I came across the boxes I had put together with bits and pieces from the time I was pregnant with our babies who did not make it to life. That was tough. I was going to throw those boxes away, I am so very pleased now that I didn't do that.

Like you wanting to buy the watch, I used to have a horrible time buying baby gifts for family and friends. I did feel like I had achieved great things when I managed to walk down the baby section in a store.

The books you mentioned sound great. At school a teacher read us "James and the Giant Peach" in about grade two. One of the boys had brought the book to school. The boy also had another fantastic book, but I have forgotten now what that one was.

It sounds like your plans are coming along well. That is great.

All the best for the continuing planning!

Cheers from Mrs. D

[Doolhof]

Hi Russell,

Is this the weekend of your son's 21st? If it is, then I wish you, your son, your family and friends a wonderful celebration.

If you would like to share how it all went, I will be interested to read your thoughts and perspective on the happenings of the evening.

Happy 21st Birthday to Liam. Hope the weekend is very special in so many ways!

Kind thoughts and best wishes from Mrs. Dools

[Cymru]

My youngest son's 21st was this weekend.

It was a wonderful success...my son was beaming. Over 50 of his friends turned up. My older son was happy. He particularly said he liked the collage of photos I created. Everyone live the chocolate mud cake (it was huge). My son liked the watch I gave him. I had given each of my sons a watch on their 21st as did my own father to me. It is trick to get something in classical style that reflects the taste of that individual.

I left at 1am, and my son and a few friends adjouned to one of their homes and didn't get home to 10am.

As you could imagine the preparations and night evoked mixed feelings for me. A number of my closest friends who had knwn my sons since birth joined in and supported me. My partner adjusted my dress (but accepted my wearing a red bow tie) and greatly helped things run smoothly. She also chastised me when I reflected that none of my family choose to attend. Actually my older sister covened a seperate dinner the night before. This had my older son's anxiety show ... he feels he can't tell me what else happens. It is complex (I'm writting about it/it hurts me) but I have only sympathy for my soms and strive not to reveal my feelings or involve them. It is not that my sister won't talk to me - but she has never talked to me. I don’t need one hand to count how many times she has ever contacted me in our adult lives. I barely need a hand at all. I had invited hervand her family: as I usually do. I have visited her home.

My former wifes younger brother came. He has come to occasions for my sons over the years. Came to my mothers funeral. Again, I had invited the maternal family - sent each written invitations. I had discussed this with my sons. I wanted to try. They agreed. But the relatived arranged a seperate function.

[Cymru]

I sometimes describe that my children are the product of a Hatfield/MCoy relationship. But it really the Hatfield and MCoys against me. If I said I didn't know why I'd be lying. If I described why it would sound rediciculus in the extreem (no one gambled away family home, had an affair, violence or neglected to feed to rabbit) But my opinion is just that and worth nothing more.

My middle sons funeral was terrible because of the situation. I tried to involve the family, consulted, had a Catholic mass in memory of Nick's mother, defer to the oddest requests. And had to stand with a number of folk working by refusing to greet me. It felt like I had been blamed for my son's death ... I actually feel responsible ... I was his father and it was my duty to keep him safe. I struggle with that if I had been able to create a cooperative family environment then Nick would have had a much greater chance of surviving/prosperous. So my inaability to create a birthday party where the family would feel able to attend upsets me. My partner and friends (and doctor) advise me not to dwell on it. But I do. And am writing here to seek to dispell it a little.Below is the speech I gave.

My partner had me simplify it some. I left of the quote from the book as she said was to obscure. I had change it to simply Rosemary/Nick can't be here. Then as I spoke put back "were suppose to be here"

Thank you again for letting me write here.

[Cymru]

Liam’s 21st

I wish to thank all of you for joining in Liam’s 21st birthday party.

It pleases me to see his friends, the laughter, cheer and fun.

Liam’s mother Rosemary is supposed to be here. I can’t know what Rosemary would say. But I do know that Liam Chris and, Nick were her greatest joy.

Liam’s brother Nick is suppose to be here too. Nick would have helped me set up the party and would have loved the celebration of his younger brother’s birthday.

Liam has grown to be a kindly, enthusiastic but still mischievous young man. There are a number of folk who helped raise Liam; relatives, brothers, our friends, teachers, scout leaders; some are here tonight. I like that you can share my pride.

When Liam was younger he would come to my home every other weekend with his brothers. I’m not sure what they thought of Dad’s imposed quality time when I insisted on reading books aloud to them.

One book was a favorite of mine; boys own adventure in space called Midshipman’s Hope by David Feintuch. The tale had teenage boys and girls sailing through space, mutinous crews, tyrannical ships captains, laser guns, giant gold fish monsters, and I found not a few readers find this book absurd.

The tale also conveys a deep father/son theme. The main character is raised by his stern father, homeschooled, before going of to space academy as a teenager (on the moon) where he has to deal with instructors and senior students, then relationships with aloof ships captains and then with others youngest looking up to him.

This is short quote so might sense the flavour of the book.

“After a moment I realized I was pointing my finger like a fully charged weapon. For a moment I wondered how Philip would react if I holstered it. My lips twitched in a grin."

I have found that those with complicated relationships with their father like the novel.

It was Liam’s favourite!

Liam I am so proud of everything you have achieved and that you have grown into a warm and caring young man. I’d like to ask everyone to join in singing happy birthday

I’ll now ask Liam to perform the customary cutting of the cake and have his say too.

[geoff]

I'm so sorry I missed Liam's 21st birthday celebrations and there's a great quote that says 'out of everything bad comes something good. Geoff.

[Doolhof]

Hi Russell,

You have shared so much in your posts here. I can sense your pride in your sons and also your pain that is wrapped in your lives.

Sounds to me like the people who attended the 21st party you and others organised for Liam was a huge success. The party certainly continued on into the small hours of the morning from the sounds of it.

Despite the fact the extended family were not all present in the same place, it sounds as though they helped Liam to celebrate as well. Maybe that was the best way for it to happen with the reality of family dynamics.

It is not what you wanted at all, but for Liam it may have been the best way and the less stressful way to enjoy his 21st Birthday with such a diverse group of people.

Families and relationships are not easy to deal with, especially so when there has been a breakdown of communication for what ever reason. My husband's family is very fractured. His sister left her husband 6 months ago and hasn't told her one and only sibling where she is living.

Your speech was lovely. I'm sure Liam is going to have many wonderful memories of his 21st Birthday.

You mentioned that you blame yourself for Nick's death, that if you had been able to hold the family together, than Nick might still be alive. That is a really tough load to put on yourself.

For ages I blamed myself for the fact our babies did not make it to full term. I even had Christian "friends" tell me I hadn't prayed hard enough! That if my faith had been stronger, the babies would have lived! What rubbish. I can see that now, but then I couldn't.

My grief and depression were eating away at me to such a point I consider suicide almost daily.

It took me a long time to believe it was not my fault. Things happen. We have no control over some events that take place. I can try my hardest and still not be able to change the past. I can change how I look at the events that happened.

I can decide to remember, to reflect and to try to make the most of what I do have now.

Russell, I wish I had the words to share with you to help.

Hoping you find a little peace. From Mrs. Dools

[Cymru]

Thank you for your kind remarks.

[Doolhof]

You are more than welcome.

(This might be my shortest post ever! Ha. Ha.)