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BeyondBlue Welcome to the Grief and Loss section
  • replies: 0

Hey there,Welcome to the Grief and Loss section of the Beyond Blue Forums. This section is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you- providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and annivers... View more

Hey there,Welcome to the Grief and Loss section of the Beyond Blue Forums. This section is for all discussions relating to how grief and loss has affected you- providing a space for you to express your feelings, discuss difficult moments and anniversaries, and honour the memories of your lost loved ones. Everyone’s experience of grief or loss is unique. You might experience all kinds of difficult or overwhelming emotions, and you might sometimes wonder if the sadness will ever end. This - and anything in between - is a normal reaction to loss. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but it can help to allow yourself to share your grief, and let others support you. Please be aware that discussions in this section of the Forums may include references to self-harm and suicide. Treat yourself gently as you read through this section. If need more immediate support, we recommend reaching out to the following: Beyond Blue Support Service – any time, chat online to a counsellor or call 1300 22 4636 Griefline – between 8am and 8pm (AEST), call 1300 845 745 to chat with a specially trained volunteer You are not alone in this, and we are here to support one another. Thank you for being here. Kind regards,Beyond Blue

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Cornstarch Grieving an abusive parent
  • replies: 15

I am being slammed by complex grief.My father was an extremely abusive man, a depressed narcissist in fact that terrorised his wife and kids.He took his own life 6 years ago.My grief has been protracted because life wasn't polite and didn't give me s... View more

I am being slammed by complex grief.My father was an extremely abusive man, a depressed narcissist in fact that terrorised his wife and kids.He took his own life 6 years ago.My grief has been protracted because life wasn't polite and didn't give me space to grieve straight away like other people can. I had to hold up my traumatised Mum who has a psychotic illness, quit my job, leave my friends to ensure she didn't go the same way. When I was little I was certain it would be her to do it - but I was wrong.12 months later our Nana died. And then 9 months later Mum's best friend died, who was my "earth mother" that looked after me when I was little whenever Mum was hospitalised. Everyone was gone.I am haunted by my fathers death. Haunted.He was so abusive.............................but he was my Dad.

I_am_Alice_where_is_wonde Looking for the light in the dark tunnel
  • replies: 2

Firstly I would like to say I'm not the best at spelling , I'm actually not the best at many things to be honest , I am here because I feel like it's the only place out of my head were I can actually tell someone what's on my mind , I am 23 years old... View more

Firstly I would like to say I'm not the best at spelling , I'm actually not the best at many things to be honest , I am here because I feel like it's the only place out of my head were I can actually tell someone what's on my mind , I am 23 years old , I have a 18 month old son and I also am off and on with his father for the passed 3 years , I struggle with anxiety to the point I can't sometimes leave my house or cross a road alone , I have depression even writing this I am laying in my bed anyways that's a short idea about me .. so here goes a little bit of my last 3 weeks,First started off like any other day I have been feeling abit sick so I went to the doctors only to find out I was 3 months pregnant , I was scared because I can barely handle my son at the moment , I told my partner he told me he wanted to be a family again and pretty much painted a picture that we would live happy ever after , i started to get really depressed I was none stop crying for two days with the stress of having another baby when I live in a small two bedroom unit with my son and his father , then Couple days later I started to see that we would do it we can be a family again and just enjoy life but if only it was that easy, I went to the doctors because I felt like something was wrong with the baby the doctor told me the baby wasn't eating and a lot of different things , I can't see him telling me this I just see black and hear his voice , my baby was slowing dying inside me and nothing I could do about it , after hearing this I walked out his office I got home put my key in my door and broke down crying , I crawled into bed to see a letter it was from my landlord saying I had 24 days to move out , I started to think very dark I started to think nothing else could go wrong but I spoke to soon , me and my partner had a fight he blames me for the death of the baby because I wasn't happy at the start because I stressed to much because I don't do enough , today he his packing his things and leaving, I feel like my whole world is falling apart , that I'm hurting myself on the shattered peices of what's left of me , my heart is broken , only thing I have left is my son and even then I think he deserves someone better I try so hard and still not good enough , still not doing enough , I feel like I'm losing myself , I know no one really cares what I have to say I am a shadow fading into the dark

Missing_Akaboo I Miss You
  • replies: 7

I miss my father in law. He represented the goodness and humanity of a man who encouraged community. He reminds me that Father's Day is about good men. His son, my husband is also an exceptional man and a wonderful father. He has survived and endures... View more

I miss my father in law. He represented the goodness and humanity of a man who encouraged community. He reminds me that Father's Day is about good men. His son, my husband is also an exceptional man and a wonderful father. He has survived and endures living with me and my ongoing fight with my past. I struggle to get through Father's Day, but I suck in my grief for my wonderful husband and our incredible children. I see them and am reminded that I must focus on the beauty of life now as it should be. But I am miserable and I am furious. In the 10 years my husband has been a father, he knows of my struggle and that just ruins his day. He lost his dad 6 years ago and that just ruins his day. I have let him be cheated of what is rightfully his, what he has truly earned. A wonderful and meaningful Father's Day. I am sickened and revolted by thoughts that my childhood rape gave a paedophile 11 Father's Day's. I am heartbroken for the beautiful people in my life who are affected by the pain that I let out and I hate myself so much for letting my past affect those I love. I realize now that I can't move on because I don't know where he is and it angers me that he continues to celebrate Father's Day. Why is he not dead? Why do I let him ruin Father's Day for my beautiful gentle husband? How do I push all his ugly aside and make space for someone who truly deserves it? Help me

LonelyBreeze Lost a brother in a road accident and a close friend to cancer
  • replies: 4

I don't want sympathy but I feel like I haven't had the easiest of lives! There is a family history of depression and I have also lost a sister to cancer, my father to suicide, a child who was stilborn, a brother in a road accident and a very close f... View more

I don't want sympathy but I feel like I haven't had the easiest of lives! There is a family history of depression and I have also lost a sister to cancer, my father to suicide, a child who was stilborn, a brother in a road accident and a very close friend to cancer. The last two within the last two months! I am a firm believer in life goes on (not in a heartless way) but sometimes I feel like I should be cut some slack! My husband seems so cold, like I just make excuses for not cleaning! I believe I am depressed but I have been like this my whole life, on and off medication, so I just keep doing what needs to be done... I finally found a job that I look forward. I'm not perfect! I'm not the most motivated person but I think I do my best... I don't even know what I am asking, I just wish I had someone who understood that I'm not lazy! I'm just tired! I'm tired of losing people! I'm tired of being afraid of talking about it because I think people will think I'm fishing for sympathy or not believe me.. I Just wish he knew... Thank you

thegreenghostie Been told to get over it 2 months after my fathers death
  • replies: 3

Hi all, I would consider myself a mentally well adjusted person in general. I lost my father who lives overseas to a sudden cardiac arrest on July 16th of this year. I went home for the funeral, and to help mum sort out his affairs, and came back to ... View more

Hi all, I would consider myself a mentally well adjusted person in general. I lost my father who lives overseas to a sudden cardiac arrest on July 16th of this year. I went home for the funeral, and to help mum sort out his affairs, and came back to australia about three weeks after that. I was very close to my father (I was his first born and a daddy's girl), and losing him at the age of 66 (I am 32) was crap. No other way to put it. After the initial horrible crying all the time of the first three weeks, I tried to pull myself together and sunk myself into work and the gym, rather than wallowing in it. I have a dog and found that walking him was very therapeutic. My partner is from country vic and a bit of a blokes bloke, so I know that emotional support can be limited. Last night, as I was putting clothes away in our bedroom, I saw a jumper of dads. It just hit me then, and I couldnt control the tears. I quickly went to my office as I didn't want to bawl in front of my partner, I am pretty private in general with this, even with him. I had a good cry and went back to the bedroom where he was reading the news in bed, but couldnt shake the feeling of sadness. I said to my partner that I was feeling shit, and that I missed my father, and that I tried not to be a debbie downer by going and crying it out in my office but I still couldnt shake it. He looked at me and said "you have been a debbie downer for the last 3 months, I'm tired of your shit. First world problems, you need to get over it, theres people with bigger problems!" I was aghast. He stabbed his finger at me as he talked, his face contorted. He had bigger problems than me he said, but when I asked him what they were he told me that he wouldn't tell me as I was useless! Then he stomped off to the spare bedroom. So here I am. I'm being told to get over my fathers death like its the death of a cat, and I have a partner who is a dickhead. I feel shit. Just writing it all out to get it out. Thanks for reading.

Cymru Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).
  • replies: 28

Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family; with brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and various others who loved and confused him with equal measure.As ... View more

Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family; with brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and various others who loved and confused him with equal measure.As a child Nick was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. This meant that Nick's experience of the world was more confusing than for most of us, as the analytical stream of his brain and the emotional stream were less interconnected.He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents' divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life.Nick had a powerful memory. Before he started school he could name each of the Thomas-The-Tank-Engines. But while he could place one or two of his toy trains away in his toy box, when faced with too many he was unable to comprehend a solution. As an adolescent Nick mastered catching after back-flipping at trapeze.He had abundant patience, which he drew on when working as a personal care attendant. He cooked meals for his brothers and father. Nick enjoyed drawing, as did his grandfather and great-grandfather who shared a family curse of depression. Nick could be maddening to live with; he might tidy up but not completely, staying up late and expressing decided opinions. He often preferred activities that were familiar, with people he knew; especially his brothers and cousins.He joined a drawing group at a burlesque club, and few months ago went to the Russian Film Festival, with musicians, dancers, vodka shots and pretty girls. Nick had sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. He accepted a referral to a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments.Nick had also enrolled in a TAFE course in bakery. He had not been shy about early hours, hard work.We cannot know what was in Nick's mind on the evening he died and why he so hastened into this good night. His family is earnestly reflected on how we might have better supported Nick.Nick is buried with his mother.Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).

feathers Twelve months ago my mum died and I'm still struggling
  • replies: 11

Hi all, 14th of July 2015 , my best friend in this world died. My mum was 66yrs old. We found out in December 2014 two weeks before Xmas that she had cancer. I thought that was the worst day of my life, but when she got an appointment with the oncolo... View more

Hi all, 14th of July 2015 , my best friend in this world died. My mum was 66yrs old. We found out in December 2014 two weeks before Xmas that she had cancer. I thought that was the worst day of my life, but when she got an appointment with the oncologist in late January 2015 we were told it was terminal . She did chemo to buy some time but I feel it didn't really help. I took care of her and never left her side,I was so distraught at the prospect of her dying. I cried every single day ,I tried to be strong but couldn't. Eventually it went to her brain an no more treatment was an option,so she was sent home to die.we had hospice come in when needed. I watched the woman that I loved with every fibre of my being die . I'm 42 years old and I'm severely agarophobic along with other anxiety issues. My brother is 45 and schizophrenic and we both live in our family home. We have no other family, my father has never been part of our lives even tho he is alive and well. In February this year I had a heart attack and was in hospital for three days,the same hospital I spent so much time at with my mum. I begged them to let me die if I had another heart attack, I just want to be with my mum. They sent a psychiatrist to see me in hospital and diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. I feel so alone even tho I know others are going through the same. I am a mess and truly wish everyday I could join my mum. Thanks for listening.

Jillby I lost my mum and am finding it hard to deal with.
  • replies: 5

Hi, I lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack a year ago and I was actually the one to find her in bed. She had been gone for a couple of hours which even in my shock I could comprehend, but regardless I had to follow the 000 instructions and attempt ... View more

Hi, I lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack a year ago and I was actually the one to find her in bed. She had been gone for a couple of hours which even in my shock I could comprehend, but regardless I had to follow the 000 instructions and attempt to resuscitate her until the ambulance arrived. I'm obviously grieving but it's the trauma of this event that is what I find most disturbing. I have the normal things that obviously trigger sad emotions... Anniversarys, birthdays etc but I find that it takes me back to resuscitating her, seeing her lifeless body, not to the loving, joyful memories of her and my child hood. I just relive the emotions of that day. Has anyone else been through something similar? Is this normal? It still haunts me and I think I need to talk about it more. Sometimes it builds up and I end up having an emotional purge... ie: crying/sobbing for hours until I'm exhausted and fall asleep. I do have a loving support network around me but I'm still traumatised by this. I'd like to better understand what's happening to me, maybe if anyone else has experianced this or similar it may help knowing I'm not thinly one. Maybe there's some good advice out there? I hope so.

Tennison Trying to cope
  • replies: 4

I recently lost my mom who I was very close to. We were best friends and shared a lifetime of experiences. Losing her is the toughest experience I have ever had to face. If it was that alone I know I would eventually learn to live with her loss but f... View more

I recently lost my mom who I was very close to. We were best friends and shared a lifetime of experiences. Losing her is the toughest experience I have ever had to face. If it was that alone I know I would eventually learn to live with her loss but for now it is very raw. To complicate my journey I am trying to cope with my husband who had been suffering depression for a long time and has not been able to provide much support. Because of his illness we have almost no friends and family rarely visit. He refuses all help and rarely tells me what he is thinking. I can't lean on him as my not coping is making him worse. I feel quite trapped.

Helpmepleaseee keep losing friends to suicide
  • replies: 3

Ive just lost another close friend of mine and my partners to suicide. A week away from itbeing 1 yearsince another close friends suicide. This is the 6th person i know over a few years to have committed suicide. I have two young children and I feel ... View more

Ive just lost another close friend of mine and my partners to suicide. A week away from itbeing 1 yearsince another close friends suicide. This is the 6th person i know over a few years to have committed suicide. I have two young children and I feel like I can never grieve properly because I dont want to cry infront of them. Does anyone have advice for me? What am i supposed to say to my toddler when we go to his funeral. He is two years old. Why does this keep happening? All males too? How can i help my partner get through this? this is another one of his best friends.

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