Been told to get over it 2 months after my fathers death

[thegreenghostie]

Hi all,

I would consider myself a mentally well adjusted person in general. I lost my father who lives overseas to a sudden cardiac arrest on July 16th of this year. I went home for the funeral, and to help mum sort out his affairs, and came back to australia about three weeks after that. I was very close to my father (I was his first born and a daddy's girl), and losing him at the age of 66 (I am 32) was crap. No other way to put it. After the initial horrible crying all the time of the first three weeks, I tried to pull myself together and sunk myself into work and the gym, rather than wallowing in it. I have a dog and found that walking him was very therapeutic. My partner is from country vic and a bit of a blokes bloke, so I know that emotional support can be limited.

Last night, as I was putting clothes away in our bedroom, I saw a jumper of dads. It just hit me then, and I couldnt control the tears. I quickly went to my office as I didn't want to bawl in front of my partner, I am pretty private in general with this, even with him. I had a good cry and went back to the bedroom where he was reading the news in bed, but couldnt shake the feeling of sadness. I said to my partner that I was feeling shit, and that I missed my father, and that I tried not to be a debbie downer by going and crying it out in my office but I still couldnt shake it. He looked at me and said "you have been a debbie downer for the last 3 months, I'm tired of your shit. First world problems, you need to get over it, theres people with bigger problems!"

I was aghast. He stabbed his finger at me as he talked, his face contorted. He had bigger problems than me he said, but when I asked him what they were he told me that he wouldn't tell me as I was useless! Then he stomped off to the spare bedroom.

So here I am. I'm being told to get over my fathers death like its the death of a cat, and I have a partner who is a dickhead. I feel shit. Just writing it all out to get it out. Thanks for reading.

[Alan1]

Hi

Firstly I would like to say how very sorry I am at the loss of your father, I certainly understand how hard losing a parent is as I lost my mother 2 years ago and my father 25 years ago.

I still have bouts of complete sadness at the loss of mother. Grieving is different for us all but it will take time. Maybe take time to try and talk to a friend or a doctor with helping you with your grief or even people in this environment might even be able to offer you some help and kind words. Take it from me grief at the loss of a Parent is so debilitating at times as these are the people that bought us in to the world cared for us and gave us what they could. Its not a first world issue at all, for someone to say that would be very hard to listen to and forget. But take your time the emotional feeling will come and go in waves.

Thinking of you Alan

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

First off, I am very sorry to hear of your father's passing. It's understandable that you are still in the process of grieving and have moments of utter sadness. The death of a parent would be so difficult. I am 23 and can't relate to this feeling, but I know I would be absolutely devastated if I was in this position. It is fantastic that you were able to share decades with your beloved father. Even though he lived overseas, I imagine you would still call him when you could, and were thinking of him.

The way your partner talked to you is appalling. I seriously hope that is not how he has been acting for weeks when you reach out to him. Is your partner going through a rough time at the moment? Even if he is, making you feel belittled and disrespected is unacceptable. The death of a loved one is not a first world problem. It's a universal human problem, and the only functional way for others to act is with kindness and tolerance.

Could you spend some time with your sibling/s? They are the only one/s who will understand what it's like to lose him as a father. Supporting each other, being able to cry in front of each other without judgement, and remembering the good times with fondness, is important. The latter may take time, but it will come.

It's great that walking your dog has been a therapeutic routine. Pets are great when you need cheering up. Dogs can sense when their humans are sad, and can be a great little companion (or big, if you have a large dog)! We have a Golden Retriever, who is a little overweight (he steals food when he can)! What breed is your dog?

If you feel you are in need of professional help, getting a referral to a grief counsellor by your GP is a good option.

Best wishes,

SM

[Anony18]

Hi thegreenghostie

Sorry about the loss of your father. It is understandable that you are upset. I lost mine 11 years ago and I was daddy's little girl. Till this day I still get upset at times - sometimes at just the smell of the water air as it brings back memories. It is good if you found walking the dog is therapeutic that helps. Definitely keep doing that. As hard as it is - also try to remember the good memories and cherish them.

No offence but what your partner done in my mind frame is not right. He is meant to be there to support you. He may be frustrated cause you are upset and he only wants to see happy you but asking you to "get over it" after 3 months is not the way. Grieving takes time (some more than others) and he should understand that.

Definitely keep writing if you believe getting your frustration and sadness out this way helps.

Anony