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Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).
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Nick died tragically early in January 2015. He was 22 years of age. Nick was part of the usual less than perfect family; with brothers, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends and various others who loved and confused him with equal measure.
As a child Nick was diagnosed as having ADHD and later this was clarified as Asperger's syndrome. This meant that Nick's experience of the world was more confusing than for most of us, as the analytical stream of his brain and the emotional stream were less interconnected.He was to experience learning difficulties, his parents' divorce, his mother dying much too soon, having to take what work might be offered and various tribulations of life.
Nick had a powerful memory. Before he started school he could name each of the Thomas-The-Tank-Engines. But while he could place one or two of his toy trains away in his toy box, when faced with too many he was unable to comprehend a solution. As an adolescent Nick mastered catching after back-flipping at trapeze.
He had abundant patience, which he drew on when working as a personal care attendant. He cooked meals for his brothers and father. Nick enjoyed drawing, as did his grandfather and great-grandfather who shared a family curse of depression. Nick could be maddening to live with; he might tidy up but not completely, staying up late and expressing decided opinions. He often preferred activities that were familiar, with people he knew; especially his brothers and cousins.
He joined a drawing group at a burlesque club, and few months ago went to the Russian Film Festival, with musicians, dancers, vodka shots and pretty girls. Nick had sought medical advice on his own initiative about the increased anxiety he was experiencing. He took the prescription medication he was prescribed. He accepted a referral to a clinical psychologist and did not miss any appointments.
Nick had also enrolled in a TAFE course in bakery. He had not been shy about early hours, hard work.
We cannot know what was in Nick's mind on the evening he died and why he so hastened into this good night. His family is earnestly reflected on how we might have better supported Nick.
Nick is buried with his mother.
Breichiau mam sy'n dynn amdanat(Mother's arms are tight around you).
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Dear Cymru
Your post is so eloquent about the love you have for your son. I am so sad and sorry that he left so young. I cannot help but cry for your loss and sadness.
I have no words to console you for this tragedy. I wish I could take away your hurt. I hope that others walking the same path as Nick will read your words and think twice or more and decide this is not the way.
I wish I had some words to comfort you Cymru.
With love and compassion
Mary
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Dear Cymru,
Mary has expressed the words I would like to share with you as well so very tenderly and beautifully.
I'm wondering if there has been an anniversary arrive that has reminded you so deeply of the loss of your precious son Nick. I understand that does not need to be the case when it comes to grief and the feeling of loss.
It really doesn't matter the date, the time, the hour does it, when the grief, the questions, maybe the regret are there, they can hit any time. Sometimes quite unheeded and generally most unwelcomed as well.
You are reaching out to us here, or maybe you just felt like you needed to honour the memory of Nick in a place where people will understand.
Please let us know how we may be of support to you. Do you want to share more of Nick's life with us?
Do you need to explore the feelings of regret and wishing you had been able to do something more for Nick?
From my own experience of grief, it can be a very tough journey and answers may never be available. We may never know why situations and terrors have happened, but they do.
The thing for me is to keep loving memories in my heart, to cherish those and help them to grow into something beautiful I can share with others.
Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools
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Doolhof, I saw a notice about sharing stories on Beyond Blue's web site.
I assume you know what I mean that there a bad days and better days. I have two other sons to support. I'm often not sure what to do for them.
But mostly I missed Nick every day. I'm resign that one day I'll be reunited or the pain ends. Meanwlhile I have my duties to my family.
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Helo Cymru,
Thankyou for telling us about Nick. He sounds a great son, and brother. Much loved and with so much to love. I relate to Nick's love of drawing, and all those habits you describe. I would be happy to hear all the stories of Nick that you you may want to tell. My family also has that streak of depression running through and so often coupled with humour, and intelligence, and a real sparkle in the eyes of the kids, it is complicated.
It is hard to be the family left behind in this world, please make time for the little things that help you through, I hope that you have the support of family and friends, you certainly have some here thinking of you. Do not go gentle into that good night.
For Nick, from all us Welshies,
Cysga'n dawel cariad bach.
Rhobat.
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Hi Cymru,
Have you asked your sons what you can do for them? Maybe they don't know what they need at times any more than you know what to give them.
I grew up knowing that I was the daughter who was born after my parents lost a son they so desired and wanted. At times it was tough knowing I could never be that son whom they wanted so desperately.
I am me. I can be no one else. Same as your two sons who are with you. They are individuals, they are their own person, they too are the brother's of Nick who is no longer with you in life. They are the son's of a Father who is grieving daily for his son.
For me, the thing is for you to just let your son's know how much you love them. You probably do that already.
Find ways to cherish Nick in your heart. Allow the bad days to be there but not to engulf you totally. I know that is not an easy thing to do.
Thinking of you. From Doolhof
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He must have been such a clever young man but forced with problems that no one could understand and unfortunately this can happen when struggling with an illness that no one can explain, as well as himself not knowing what depression was and why he felt thiis way.
People who can draw have a skill that no one else can articulate and to watch him draw must have been so exciting for those around him, but never sure whether he could feel this excitement himself, because that was just him.
He must have been very astute in seeking medical care himself, and then to join a bakery course, so deep down he was a determined man with a mission he wanted to fulfill, but how can we ever explain why someone commits suicide, sure we may know that deep down depression could be the cause, but we can't be certain.
The love and care was your best option to help Nick and I'm sure that all of this happened for him, to embrace him to understand what he was doing and realise that there might have been a few things he just wanted to do all by himself, that's a brilliant man, a determined man and a very clever man, and Nick will stay in your heart forever. Geoff.
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Hello Cymru
I just read about your son Nick. What a caring and kind hearted son. My sincere condolences for your loss. January 2015 must still be yesterday for you. My brother also passed when he was 22 as he had enough with his illness (many years ago)
my kindest and respectful thoughts for you
Paul
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Hi Cymru,
Just want to let you know I am thinking of you today. Not sure if that helps or not.
One of my girlfriends is grieving all over again for her brother who died in a car accident a couple of decades ago.
Love can last a life time. Hopefully the pain will lessen.
Each day the sun comes up and a new day begins.
We can not return to yesterday, we can stand still today, or we can move forward.
The night comes and the darkness closes in.
Tomorrow the sun comes up again...
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Gruffudd
I often repeat to myself that Nick is sleeping, he is comfortable andnot in pain.
Oh, the line if from Sou Gau. Nick liked the movie Empire of the Sun, which it featured. I like it (as does everyone), and the opening line seem fitting.
And it does seem a bit of Welsh curse.
Russell
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