Twelve months ago my mum died and I'm still struggling

feathers · ‎25-07-2016

Hi all,

14th of July 2015 , my best friend in this world died. My mum was 66yrs old. We found out in December 2014 two weeks before Xmas that she had cancer. I thought that was the worst day of my life, but when she got an appointment with the oncologist in late January 2015 we were told it was terminal . She did chemo to buy some time but I feel it didn't really help. I took care of her and never left her side,I was so distraught at the prospect of her dying. I cried every single day ,I tried to be strong but couldn't. Eventually it went to her brain an no more treatment was an option,so she was sent home to die.we had hospice come in when needed. I watched the woman that I loved with every fibre of my being die .

I'm 42 years old and I'm severely agarophobic along with other anxiety issues. My brother is 45 and schizophrenic and we both live in our family home. We have no other family, my father has never been part of our lives even tho he is alive and well. In February this year I had a heart attack and was in hospital for three days,the same hospital I spent so much time at with my mum. I begged them to let me die if I had another heart attack, I just want to be with my mum. They sent a psychiatrist to see me in hospital and diagnosed me with major depressive disorder. I feel so alone even tho I know others are going through the same. I am a mess and truly wish everyday I could join my mum.

Thanks for listening.

white knight · ‎25-07-2016

Hi feathers, welcome.

Actually you qualify for a special welcome. Why?

Because I've been here for over two years. During that time and nearly 3000 posts, every now and then along comes a special person that inspires Me. You are one.

To nurse your dear mum to her time comes is remarkable.

My dad passed in 1992, he was 64. He was the best dad. How have I coped.?

I have written countless poems. And letters to him. And I've allowed time for the grief to drift.

Take as long as you need to grieve. I still do, 24years later. Honour your mum by being the woman she loved.

Here us a poem I've written for you.

Drifted away

It seems like only yesterday

That you lay to rest

Surrounded by your kin

And friends that were your best

You drift away so slowly

You drifted from us then

But we will be together again

Its just a matter of when

But did you drift away?

Your heart...where is your care?

Then I realised its inside of me

I carry you everywhere...

Tony WK

Lost_Girl · ‎25-07-2016

Hi feathers,

My heart aches for you. I read your story and I know how you feel because I have been there too. I am 41 years old. I lost my Mum 11 years ago to lung cancer. She was 67 when she passed. She was given 3 mths but lasted 18mths. I moved State to live and care for her during that time having already lost Dad to cancer 9 years before that. My Mum went through chemo and radiation treatment too.

I feel for you so much. I wrote a lot after she passed, poems and letters in a journal. It helps a little but I still miss her everday but the grief for me has changed to a softer sorrow that is a bit easier to bear. It has taken a long time.

I have depression at the moment too but for an unrelated reason, I have a chronic illness.

Are you receiving treatment for the depression and still seeing a psych?

I wonder too if you're feeling a bit lonely due to your agorophobia? It can't be easy.

I hope to hear back from you.

Kindest thoughts,

Carol

Fairywings · ‎26-07-2016

Hi feathers and welcome im so sorry to hear of ur loss. I def agree with tony here for what u have endured u r truly remarkable bless your beautiful soul. Write to her talk to her she will hear and listen to you she may even give u a sign that her presence is near. Her spirit will always be with you that I can assure you. Time is the healer of all things don't be too hard on urself allow urself to grieve cry as much as you need to this will help your soul to heal. I really love the poem tony has written for u it made me cry and think about my best friend really she was like a sister to me we did everything together. I lost her to addiction when we were just 17yrs old im now 36yrs old. There is never a day in don't think of her talk to her but one thing in so know as the yrs go by it gets easier xx and Tony so sorry to hear of ur loss 2xx feelfree to chat to us anytime we r all here for you xx Venessa

feathers · ‎30-07-2016

Thanks to all of you that replied and sorry in just responding now. I thought thepoem was awesome, and I have written a lot of poems since my mum's death and also have kept a journal for the last few years. My mum died from lung cancer also,she was a smoker most of her life. Funny how people think that because you smoke you deserve what you get. Maybe that's true in a way , I don't know.

I do see a psychologist for my issues but I find it terribly hard to be open and honest, and clam up a lot and feel like a failure.

Looking after my mum and watching her deteriorate so rapidly absolutely broke my heart. I spent most nights when she was asleep googling ways to die.I felt so desperate and so alone and did not want to live. I still wish I had the courage to leave this life but I'm such a coward and afraid of my own shadow. I often feel my mum was the lucky one to die , as terrible as that sounds, but to be left behind feeling such emptiness and depression, I wish it had of been me.

Thanks again to all of you.xx

Lost_Girl · ‎30-07-2016

Hi feathers,

Media, especially tv and movies tend to glamourise death, often with people very peacefully passing away. Even with the shows I have seen depicting cancer they don't show the horrors of deterioration. I understand how you feel I have been through it and I know how heart breaking it is.

The thing that got me through and still helps me now was how much she loved me. How she hoped for a good life for me. Did your Mum have dreams for you?

Perhaps you can write your feelings in a letter and ask your psych to read it? I know some people who have done this.

You haven't mentioned if you take medication for your depression. I worry for you only because this illness can make us feel very low and you sound very low right now. Sometimes we need the meds to help lift us out of a dark place. I have just had to start them again myself.

Are you able to leave the house to get food or do anything else with having agorophobia? I am just interested to understand your limitations as I know it differs between people.

Kind thoughts,

Carol

Fairywings · ‎31-07-2016

That's ok def no need to apologize you take as much time as u need. Cancer takes many beautiful lives and I am just sorry it took ur mum. No one deserves to be at the hands of death. I know a mother can never be replaced but she will always be with you no matter what xx about ur psychologist write letters to her and take them into therapy with u it works trust me u don't have to be the first to talk xx it isn't your time to go sweety there is a purpose for you in life u may have not found it yet but u will. Time and patience are the two hardest qualities in life to endure but as yrs go by it gets easier xx please keep writing to us we are all here to help you get thru this xx

geoff · ‎31-07-2016

dear Feathers, I too am so sorry for your loss and offer my sincere condolences.
The reason why parents have children is to see them grow up, to love and to be a listening ear, but more so they want you to carry their name into another generation the best way you can, hoping that your life will cherish and that no hardship will hover over you, that unfortunately is nothing that can be guaranteed.
Can I give you an analogy, if the food we eat only came in cans the only way to survive is that we have to open the tin can so that we can eat, now compare this with talking to your psychologist, the only way to get help is to open up to him/her, there must be so much bottled up inside you that you need to lease some tension, this may not stop your sadness and mourning but it may help you cope a little bit better. Geoff. x

Emmy. · ‎31-07-2016

Dear Feathers,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. I'm so sorry your loss.

I understand how you are feeling - I lost my Mum just over 2 years ago very suddenly (she was 62. I was 31). I saw her Mothers Day 2014, then spoke with her Monday, then Tuesday she was gone 😞 I still haven't come to terms with it and to be honest I don't think I ever will.

Feathers you need to be kind and gentle on yourself. Grief is such an individual journey and can take years to accept the loss of a loved one.

Like you I wanted to join my Mum (still do some days) but I know she wouldn't want that - nor would your mother. So I try to challenge myself, live my life to honour Mum. It's hard.

I also suffer from some symptoms of agoraphobia, anxiety and depression. Last year my sisters and I went to China and took a trip that Mum had always wanted to do but never got there. Once in China the panic attacks took over me but I thought to myself even if I just stayed in the hotel rooms at least I'd made it there - Mum would be proud. Is there something that your Mum loved or you could do to honour her. I know it's a challenge but you'll feel proud of yourself for doing it.

Sorry for rambling on. Just be gentle on yourself hun. One day at a time.

Can I share a quote with you ...

I had my own idea of grief.  I thought it was the sad time  that followed the death of someone you love.  And you had to push through it  to get to the other side.  But I'm learning there is no other side. There is no pushing through.  But rather,  there is absorption.  Adjustment.  Acceptance.  And grief is not something you complete,  but rather, you endure.  Grief is not a task to finish  and move on,  but an element of yourself-  an alteration of your being.  A new way of seeing.  A new definition of self.

Thinking of you Feathers and here for you. Hugs. Emmy x

feathers · ‎16-08-2016

Hi lostgirl, I do take meds for the depression and anxiety but nothing is working very well. I do leave the house to walk to my local coles which is a five minute walk but even then I get what I need and get out of there as fast as I can. I feel so alone and each day feels like I miss my mother more than the day before. I feel desperate most days for this feeling to end and try keep myself busy when the dark thoughts invade my head.

Thanks to everyone for your kind words.

X