I lost my mum and am finding it hard to deal with.

Jillby · ‎08-08-2016

Hi, I lost my mum suddenly to a heart attack a year ago and I was actually the one to find her in bed. She had been gone for a couple of hours which even in my shock I could comprehend, but regardless I had to follow the 000 instructions and attempt to resuscitate her until the ambulance arrived. I'm obviously grieving but it's the trauma of this event that is what I find most disturbing. I have the normal things that obviously trigger sad emotions... Anniversarys, birthdays etc but I find that it takes me back to resuscitating her, seeing her lifeless body, not to the loving, joyful memories of her and my child hood. I just relive the emotions of that day. Has anyone else been through something similar? Is this normal? It still haunts me and I think I need to talk about it more. Sometimes it builds up and I end up having an emotional purge... ie: crying/sobbing for hours until I'm exhausted and fall asleep. I do have a loving support network around me but I'm still traumatised by this. I'd like to better understand what's happening to me, maybe if anyone else has experianced this or similar it may help knowing I'm not thinly one. Maybe there's some good advice out there? I hope so.

White_Rose · ‎08-08-2016

Dear Jilby

So pleased you found your way to this forum. You are most welcome here.

Please accept my condolences on the loss of your mother. My mom died on Christmas Day 1999 and I still miss her and cry about it. Mothers are such precious people and have been with us and for us for a long time. Crying is a normal reaction. I used to come home from work and cry constantly. My mom died because of the incompetence of the hospital continuing to give her medication despite her deteriorating condition caused by the meds. It's a long story but her death was necessary at that time.

What you are talking about is normal grief coupled with a pretty traumatic event. No matter how old our parents are we still expect them to be there giving us a feeling of safety in the background. When they are no longer there it feels devastating.

I would hate to find any member of my family, or anyone for that matter, had died on their own. I can understand to a little extent why you feel like this. Have you thought of going to grief counsellor? Ask your GP to recommend a person, or go to Relationships Australia. I found it useful to talk about my mom, sometimes in tears but also remembering the happy times.

Do you siblings nearby? I know anniversaries etc bring back those bad memories, not only your mom's birthday but those of family members when your mom would be there. After someone dies there is often silence because no one knows what to say, often afraid of upsetting others. Can you have get togethers and make an effort to talk about your mom. You know the funny things one of you did and mom put right, where she liked to be or her hobbies. Any of these will bring mom closer but in a celebratory way. While you may feel a little sad you also feel happier. And you can experience both at the same time.

If you are still getting flashbacks a year after the event I urge to go and have a chat about it with your GP. Copy and print your post as it describes your distress well. Just a backup in case you find you cannot talk easily.

It may also help for you to continue to write in here.

Mary

Anony18 · ‎08-08-2016

Hi Jillby

I lost my dad 10 years ago. He was diagnosed with cancer and within the week he passed whilst all of us were around him at the hospital. I had spent a lot of time with him not only at the hospital as we took walks but also through my younger days as we had our weekly breakfasts etc. Like you I too have a great support network.

Saying that I still do have moments that the emotion overwhelms me and I cry. Sometimes it is the smell of the ocean air or stepping in the hospital as it brings me back to the image. For me I have a journal which I write at these times and I start trying write the good memories we shared. Not sure if this may be something that will help. However as Mary said if you are still getting these flashbacks definitely go see your GP.

Anony18

Lost_Girl · ‎09-08-2016

Hi Jillby,

I'm sorry for your loss. You have some great advice there from Mary and Anony. I will share a little of my experience so you know you're not alone.

I lost both my parents to cancer. I lost my Mum last in 2005 when I was 30 but the experience was more traumatic as I was with her when she died. She had lung cancer. I cared for for 18 months before she passed, the last month she spent in hospital. When she passed I was alone with her. She had been sleeping and I was just sitting with her. Her eyes opened and she started opening her mouth with a horrific wheezing sound. I pressed the buzzer then ran out to find the nurse and told her, small hospital, I knew the nurse. I ran back to Mum but noone came for ages. There was nothing I could do, her body convulsed and shuddered all the time wheezing and looking at me and in so much pain. It was just horrific. Then she suddenly went calm. I held her and kissed her and told her it was ok to let go and she closed her eyes and was gone. I realised later that she was not to be resusitated and I understand why. She lasted 15 more months that her oncologist expected, there was no quality of life and she was in constant pain or drugged up with morphine. That memory has stayed with me. I used to think about it a lot but I learnt to replace the thoughts with happier memories like from my wedding day with her there. I keep photos around so I can look at them when these memories pop up. It happens often. Anytime death is talked about, when people die on tv, especially if it's from cancer and other seemingly random moments. They always show people gracefully going to sleep when they die on tv and in movies. It makes me feel a bit angry that I had nothing to prepare me for that moment.

My suggestion would be to think through some key memories, happy ones. Remember them in your mind, think about the detail, what did the moment feel like, smell like, was it hot or cold? Think as much detail as you can and then use these memories any time you are thinking of that sad moment. Try and replace your thoughts. Perhaps carry a photo with you in case you are out.

As per Mary, see a GP if needed.

I can answer any questions if you have any about my experience. If you want to share more this is a safe place.

Kindest thoughts,

Carol

Jillby · ‎11-08-2016

Thank you... so much great advice! I have copy and pasted all so I can easily refer to them as needed. Unfortunately there is a rift between my siblings and I as our mum was the much needed glue between us as we are so very different. We are all doing our best to cope, be respectful and understanding and calmly resolve any issues with love and care. I'm sure given time we will create our own glue!!! Xx

Cold_Mirror · ‎13-08-2016

Hi there, Jillby,

I'm so sorry about your mother. The loss is bad enough, but the circumstances sound very traumatic.

I just want you to know that the feelings you have are very normal. Also, it can take a fair amount of time to feel anything like better. Having been the one to find her would extend that time, I think. Take as long as you need to process your grief and get help with it if you think you need it. I think that the others are right that you might need some help with the flashbacks.

There is a book that I liked a lot when someone close to me died in 1994. It's called Coping With grief by Mal McKissock. It is very short, but full of useful and empathic information for bereaved persons. I read it a lot of times because it was so helpful. It is still available via the ABC shop. It covers things like dealing with anniversaries as well as some common sense self care and the physiological changes that we undergo when we grieve, etc.

All the best to you.