Looking for the light in the dark tunnel

[I_am_Alice_where_is_wonde]

Firstly I would like to say I'm not the best at spelling , I'm actually not the best at many things to be honest , I am here because I feel like it's the only place out of my head were I can actually tell someone what's on my mind , I am 23 years old , I have a 18 month old son and I also am off and on with his father for the passed 3 years , I struggle with anxiety to the point I can't sometimes leave my house or cross a road alone , I have depression even writing this I am laying in my bed anyways that's a short idea about me .. so here goes a little bit of my last 3 weeks,

First started off like any other day I have been feeling abit sick so I went to the doctors only to find out I was 3 months pregnant , I was scared because I can barely handle my son at the moment , I told my partner he told me he wanted to be a family again and pretty much painted a picture that we would live happy ever after , i started to get really depressed I was none stop crying for two days with the stress of having another baby when I live in a small two bedroom unit with my son and his father , then Couple days later I started to see that we would do it we can be a family again and just enjoy life but if only it was that easy, I went to the doctors because I felt like something was wrong with the baby the doctor told me the baby wasn't eating and a lot of different things , I can't see him telling me this I just see black and hear his voice , my baby was slowing dying inside me and nothing I could do about it , after hearing this I walked out his office I got home put my key in my door and broke down crying , I crawled into bed to see a letter it was from my landlord saying I had 24 days to move out , I started to think very dark I started to think nothing else could go wrong but I spoke to soon , me and my partner had a fight he blames me for the death of the baby because I wasn't happy at the start because I stressed to much because I don't do enough , today he his packing his things and leaving, I feel like my whole world is falling apart , that I'm hurting myself on the shattered peices of what's left of me , my heart is broken , only thing I have left is my son and even then I think he deserves someone better I try so hard and still not good enough , still not doing enough , I feel like I'm losing myself , I know no one really cares what I have to say I am a shadow fading into the dark

[Zeal]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I'm also a 23 year old female. I'm not as independent though, in that I still live at home with my parents and sister. Having a 1 and a half year old must be very busy and tiring. You are doing your best, and care about your son's welfare, so in my mind that makes you a good Mum.

Your partner leaving and blaming you for the death of your unborn child is not fair. It is not your fault - medical issues unfortunately happen, because the human body just isn't perfect. Your partner may regret placing direct blame on you once he has time to reflect. The loss would be upsetting for him too, though this does not excuse his actions.

The most important thing for you and your son right now is emotional support. Do you have family you and your son could stay with for the time being? Even an old friend may be able to help out. With the right support and with time, the darkness can be lifted. Here are some helpline numbers you can call whenever you feel distressed, or if you want information about your mental health:

Beyondblue: 1300 22 4636
Lifeline: 13 11 14
Griefline national no: 1300 845 745

http://griefline.org.au/phone-counselling/

Once you have somewhere stable to stay, it's important you see a doctor (GP) about your mental health.

It would be great to hear back from you. I really hope you are okay, and able to get support. If you want to talk further, you can post back here.

Best wishes,

SM

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi I am Alice where is wonderland,

Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry that you are struggling right now. It sounds like things are very hard for you and I can see that there is so much going on. I'm wondering if you have any support at the moment - are you in touch with friends and family that can be there for you?

SM has given a list of great resources that can help. I highly recommend that you give them a call. I think the best thing right now is to try and rally some people who you can have on your team.

I can also agree with what she said about this not being your fault. It sounds like your partner got really angry and directed this at you but this is not in your control. Stress doesn't hurt a baby. It's awful what happened but unfortunately you couldn't have stopped it. What is in your control though is what you can do now. I'm so glad you came to us because it shows me you deserve more and want to have a bit more control. Pick up the phone. You are cared about and we care about what you have to say.

If you'd like to write back again I'd love to hear back from you to see how you're getting on. We also have a grief and loss section as well as a section on depression and a section on relationships in the forums if you'd like to read other stories.