Was trying to defend someone, but they think I went behind their back

[Earth Girl]

"Lousia" and I were talking about people who we didn't get along with (a and b). I thought that if I explained more of the story to "Janet" that she would be able to see it through L's pov because she sided so much with a and b. I told her not to tell anyone and she said okay so I told her something that Louisa told me that happened and I thought Janet would think, okay, I can see why Louisa would be annoyed, but instead she just went "So what?!" She seemed kind of like she wanted to talk to people who were connected to me, Louisa and her about it because she brought them up, but I thought, surely she won't, she even said she wouldn't. 

A few months later, I messaged Louisa on Facebook and she left me on read and logged out. I wasn't sure what to think because I didn't know what that meant back then so I wasn't sure if things were okay or not. Later on, I saw on a site where people talk about me that she said that I betrayed her and I was thinking, what? How did I betray her?? I read some more things that she said about me on there and then I realized she must have meant what I said to Janet and Janet obviously told the people or one of the people about it and they then told Louisa. She also said a lot of things about how ugly I look and those were the mild things she said. Her Dad who is at least 70 now also said lots of mean things on there about me (mature). They also talked about how I judge people based on star signs (I was one of those cringey "I'm a cancer" people, but I stopped doing it one day when I was 26 because I realized how dumb it was). He says a lot of just as stupid things at his age that I don't talk about, but anyway...

I asked Janet if she told anyone about what I told her and she got really mad and said she didn't, but she has a horrible memory and she talks about me to other people all the time and quickly forgets all about it so I'm certain she did. 

I don't know what to do about this. All this happened several years ago, but they are still talking about it on that site (both her and her parents). I also deleted Facebook several years ago so I can't reach out to her on there. She's telling everyone that I betrayed her when I wasn't meaning to do that. I know it wasn't a wise idea now anyway and I shouldn't have said anything because even if Janet could see it from her pov, it could still get messy and Louisa wouldn't have wanted me to tell her anyway, but I wasn't meaning any harm. I don't know what J said or what others said to L. 

[Croix]

Dear Earth Girl~

I guess like most of us wisdom is earned at a price. It's quite clear from your closing remarks you now feel it was an unfortunate mistake to talk about others, no matter how well intentioned, the chances of things working out as you meant them to are only average.

It is only natural to wish for harmony in the people you know however it might be best to let them sort themselves out by themselves.

The other thing was you said you had stopped using Facebook.  Really it is a breading ground for untruths and malice and you are well out of it. I only use Facebook where I have to for official organizations' pages and never for any form of social interaction.

If a person is a friend, not a Facebook "friend" which is another thing entirely, and you have hurt or offended them then friendship would mean they talked to you about it, gave you a chance to explain, not cut you off dead and badmouth you from then on.

It did happen several years ago and although there can be a natural tendency to go over ones past mistakes  (I'm guilty too:( after a while it might be better to make a conscious effort to think of other things. I try comedy on YouTube.

It is better to have good intentions and kindness anyway.

Croix

[Earth Girl]

Hi Croix, thanks for your response.

Yeah, it wasn't a good idea either way. Louisa, Janet and I are actually family which is what makes this really messy. Louisa was really nice to me until I did this, now she and her Dad say really mean things about me online and I don't think they will ever move on. It's also going to be really awkward if our whole family have to have some type of gathering for some reason. 

I go over mistakes like this a lot, but it doesn't help and even if I could talk to Louisa about it, I don't know if that would help or not either. 

At least now I know why it's best not to do this sort of thing even if you're trying to help unless it's necessary (e.g. someone is in danger). 

[Croix]

Dear Earth Girl~

It may have been the fact family was involved made you feel obliged to try to start this whole thing - for the best of motives.

Actually if there was a family gathering with all face to face and you did not start to apologize or refer to the matter thus bringing it to the surface  it may all seem less important to them with the chance of it being side-stepped and amicable relations (relations? - that's a pun, sorry) start to build up. If they don't want to be friendly again I'd think that is a reflection on them and their limitations rather than you.

I'm sure this cannot be the only unhappy thing in the past that you feel responsible for and keep coming back to.  Planning for this so you become diverted away would seem sensible, that's what I try to do, if YouTube does not work I use Smiling Mind, which works surprisingly well  after some practice. It has umpteen exercise for just about anybody -even me who has to be reminded all the time:(

Smiling mind does take some practice, you cannot just log on for the first time and expect the first exercise to leave you a in a calm state. I started with children's anxiety exercises and worked up from there. As I have the attention span of a goldfish I have an exercise where I'm gently reminded OFTEN to bring my mind back and not let it wander.

Croix

[Earth Girl]

Thanks Croix. 🙂

It's going to be awkward if we have a gathering or something, but I can't really do anything about it and yes, there's a lot of regrets that I have, but I'll just try to distract myself. Youtube has a lot of funny videos and I will try Smiling Mind as well, it sounds interesting.