UPDATED: Hating every minute

[Quivz]

I've got no money, no job, no real friends who i can talk to about anything more serious than TV shows, am 31 living with my parents, no car, disfiguring psoriasis and a back problem that makes it impossible to stand or sit for anything longer an hour or two. I definitely have the problem of not being able to recall having felt positive about anything in years. All my friends have settled down and got married so i never see anyone anymore and I'm bored and lonely. I'm not suicidal, but i think that's only because i know what it would do to my mum.

I've tried to get professional help, but with no money i've just been run around the public system from incompetent to no english (or both) until I'd used all my free sessions and haven't even been diagnosed yet. Well i was once, but he was one of the incompetents. He was so computer illiterate he typed with only his index fingers at around 5 words a minute. He spent most of the session typing (that slowly) what i was saying into a translator, because he couldn't understand any of the words over 3 syllables i was using (I'm a uni graduate and tend to articulate using precise language), said i was definitely suffering from depression and then totally failed to save any of the documentation onto my medical records. I found this out because he told me to go back and see my GP about seeing a specialist as it wouldn't be covered if it wasn't the GP that wrote the recommendation. The GP told me i have to see a psychiatrist and be assessed first before he could make that kind of recommendation and was extremely unhelpful when i explained that the psychiatrist had sent me to him. I think he thought i was just trying to get drugs. And that was the best of all the free psychologists and psychiatrists i was able to see.

 I've been unemployed for ages and have no references i have been able to make contact with. I cant work in any form of customer service because having to deal with strangers all the time drives me crazy enough that i would rather make myself sick than go to work (i eat off food, or have nothing but dairy for days so that i get ill. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but if it does then i do that rather than deal with people constantly). And even non-customer service jobs where i have to talk to colleagues all the time makes me feel this way too (social anxiety/introversion?).

 I don't know what to do to stop feeling so helpless. I can't even see the same GP twice in a row cos i dont have a family doctor or anything like that, just a centre where there are doctors and the first one free sees you and they never want to deal with anything more complex than a sick certificate. they wont do anything about my back except recommend a physio at $65 a session which i cant afford. My psoriasis is slowly taking over my face so nobody who doesn't already know me wants to talk to me so i cant meet anyone new. My parents are the sort of people who think mental illness is an excuse to be slack or to take drugs and tell me at least once a week that I'm slack or useless cos i cant find work.

 I truly feel like I've been backed into a corner from every direction at once. I've tried to deal with things one at a time, but life just wont let me as the other problems demand attention before i can make any headway and i just end up feeling smothered again. Please tell me how i can help myself?

[rugbymum]

Like you, I have been suffering depression for many years but was only just recently diagnosed. I found a fantastic GP using the BB search engine and he is going to help me through this journey, so try to stay strong - help is out there. Regarding Centrelink,  you can apply for sickness benefits which basically assists you financially if you are unable to work temporarily due to sickness or injury. Depression is an illness & your treating doctor will be able to write a report to confim this. Wishing you a safe journey and a good outcome.

[Quivz]

New year, same problems...

I had a new psychologist for one session, but then i freaked out before the second session and then because i didn't go i was too ashamed to answer her phone calls. Classic example of how irrational anxiety can be. However, I intend to speak to my GP soon and get back on my mental health plan and try to see the same psychologist i skipped out on. Otherwise I'll have to go through the whole explanatory phase with yet another person and there are no words to describe how badly i don't want to do that again. It was so hard the first few times when i had high hopes of getting immediate help. Now that I'm resigned to a long struggle that may not even achieve the results i want i dread the thought of having to be that open with yet another stranger... And why do they have to have clipboards?! The feeling that someone is judging you is an anxiety staple, so how does sitting across from me writing little things i cant see on a clipboard every time i say something help?!

 I don't know if not returning her calls had anything to do with the therapy she wanted to try. Exposure therapy. i tried to explain that my whole life up to this point has been exposure therapy. I am exceptional at pretending to be cool and calm already, which is why everyone i know thinks I'm a people person even though i really hate it. What they don't know is how often i say I'm going to the toilet while I'm actually going to have a little a cry or to hyperventilate, or once i just felt the need to throw my arms around as hard as i could until i was red in the face. Before now I've been forcing myself into those situations i hate because society has been telling me all my life I'm supposed to love working in a team and socializing.

 My strongest memories are the times when i was forced (either by myself or by others) to interact when i really didn't want to. There are so many of them and they are all burned into my memory. I can recall who i was talking to, what we were talking about, where we were, the sounds going on around us, even smells. These experiences were traumatic for me and I've spent almost all my life thinking there was something wrong with me for finding them traumatic.

 Job searching has become an impossibility. I go through the lists almost everyday, because i so badly want be working and productive and self supporting. But every time i get to the "Will report to" or "as part of a team" i'm already imagining myself failing.

Back with more when it happens.

[Neil_1]

Hi Quivz

I'm sorry to hear that things are not getting any (or much) better for you at all.

With regard to your GP;  do you find that you have a good bond there and that they are trying to do as much for you as they can?   Just asking, that's all.  Wanting to try to target different aspects - and with that, I'm guessing it's been a few months since you've been on the latest medication given to you - do you feel it's ok;   and has your GP given you a review of them?

I'm guessing with the clipboard thing for the psyche, it's to jot things down as they happen during an appointment so they can remember key aspects of the conversation - then later, they'll perhaps do a more comprehensive write up;  kind of look it over and work out different strategies that they might be able to come up with for the next appointment.  That would be my guess.  My psychiatrist does that (as does my GP);  but my psychologist just sits opposite me and we chat.  I guess different people use different methods.

I know this post hasn't really been all that productive for you, but really did want to mention those couple of things and also to say "Hi" back to you again.

Neil

[Quivz]

Hi Neil,

thanks for replying. I said somewhere in this post that these replies help me clear my head, so when things feel like they're really piling on top of me it helps to come here and get it all down. None the less i do appreciate the reply.

Yes I've got a good rapport with my GP. We reviewed how i was going on the anti-depressants when i saw him last in Sept. The decision was made to up my dose to the next level. I think at this level it has been therapeutic. But there's nothing medication wise they can do to help my anxiety. I don't have attacks, which i understand is what the only real anxiety medication is for. Mines more of a cumulative stress that builds the more situations I'm in, until i cant cope anymore.

Take new years day. i was looking forward to a nice day of sitting around the house doing nothing, because Christmas eve and Christmas day had forced me into social situations i would have rather avoided and i was still recovering. Then my mum suddenly informs me we'll have guests by lunch time. And sure enough my house filled up with 20 people. I had no say in the matter and i couldn't escape to anywhere else.  They were only here for a few hours and they're all family and friends, but it still kept me in bed for the last 2 days trying to build up enough courage/effort to face other people. And there were a few people in this group that are incredibly boisterous and extroverted. I don't know if anyone's told them about my anxiety, but those exuberant, overbearing personalities are anathema to me. I was going to try and get in to see my GP on the 2nd, but after new years day, i knew it was gonna be about the 5th before i could face the world without driving myself further down.

What i do have in my favor is a plan of attack, which gives me some solace. When i do go see him (GP) I'm going to ask him to write a letter to centrelink saying that my mental health issue is permanent. Last time i only had a certificate for 4 weeks and apparently once the 4 weeks were up as far as centrlink is concerned I'm completely cured and is therefore no longer a consideration. So if i can get that letter i can be assessed for mental health disability. I don't know if I'd qualify and either way I'm still trying to get back to work, but having that permanently on my file will go a long way to getting help actually attuned to my situation.

Oh and my thoughts go out to those both fighting and trying to stay safe from the bushfires. My thoughts are with you.

[JessF]

Hello Quivz, I don't know if you have done much reading about personality types, but one of the things about introverts vs extroverts is that extroverts get more energy from being around lots of people, whereas introverts (of which I am one), being around people makes us tired.  That doesn't mean that we hate being around people, it just means that we can't do it all the time, and that after a big social gathering we need time to recharge.

Knowing this can be a big help, because you can carve out some non negotiable "me time" after big gatherings or social events. If that means you have to get out of the house altogether so you don't have to be the unwitting host at a party your family has organised, then so be it!

[Quivz]

Actually i have read a lot.. I picked up on my introversion years ago. The problem is i have little to no say about what happens in the house. And if i try to leave there's not really anywhere i can go. What am i going to do? Sit in my car for 4 hours? And what about working. The few hours between the end of a workday and going to bed is not enough time to recharge for the next day. And that's assuming my house isn't full of people when i get home.By the time i get to the weekend i'm so burned out i cant manage much more than sleep.

Please dont feel i'm attacking you. Your post is right on, but i haven't yet found any solutions that work. I tried a job where i only worked 3 days a week and i couldn't keep it up. And i tried a job where i only worked mornings and i couldn't manage that either. Even when i only worked 3 mornings a week. Which led to another dilemma that i bet you recognize, having probably felt the same yourself. I was so overstimulated from work i couldn't face any other social situations, even though i was lonely as hell. That's a paradox i think only a fellow introvert can truly understand.

Its like i'm on the opposite timeclock to everyone. Those rare times when i do feel like being around people there's no one around, and when i need my space there's some social responsibility i have to take care of. I'm already getting anxious about my sister's wedding and thats not until mid March.

For the record i'm an INFP on the myers briggs. Apparently we make up around 4% of the population.

[Quivz]

So this thread has become a bit of a journal of my progress or lack thereof and its definitely time for an update. I've been steadily marching backwards these last few months. I've been so anxious about going to my psychologist i haven't had a session in ages. I keep freaking out about it just before i have to leave for the appointment and then not going. Most of the time i'm not even able to call and make some excuse. Don't really know how i'm going to conquer this one.

 My loneliness is getting worse too. I dream often of forming new relationships and when i wake up and find the reality is completely the opposite i'm struck with a sense of longing and depression that tends to ruin my whole day.

 My GP finished his residency so I'm now seeing a new one. I've only seen him once and he seems competent if a bit businesslike. Its possible this is simply because we haven't yet built much a rapport.

The antidepressants keep me at a reasonable baseline, but i still feel useless and a slave to my anxiety, out of my conscious control.

 I've gotten matched to a disability employment services provider, rather than the regular employment services provider i was with before. This took me ages too as i was too scared to go the first appointment several times. I've now had the catch up appointment which has restarted my centrelink benefits, although with bills and necessities recently i've been extremely broke. I've hardly left the house because i haven't had the money to do much more than buy a can coke in more than a month. my next appointment with my provider is next week, which is now the first appointment that i've missed so many times and only achieved the catch up for, so i have no idea what kind of help I'll be getting or am entitled to. Fingers crossed i don't freak out again and miss that one too.

On top of all else i feel terrible that i'm getting older and older and I'm still completely unproductive, broke and alone everyday. Worthless is not strong enough of a word.

[JessF]

Hello Quivz, perhaps you are trying to do too much. When I have hit rock bottom and things feel overwhelming, I find it only spirals if I try and fix everything at once. As they say, the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Perhaps it might be worth prioritising? 

For example, it sounds like your appointments are pretty important at the moment. Have you got someone you can buddy up with that could perhaps take you to your appointments so you don't miss them? If you don't have a friend or family member to help with this, then your disability services provider should be able to put you in touch with a peer worker.

[Neil_1]

Hi there quivz

Thank you again for coming back and providing your latest update.

You say you feel worthless and also you feel unproductive.

Can I remind you here that over the last time since you posted, you have still been able to make appointments with your psyche (ok, perhaps not attending them, but you’re still making them and that’s definitely something!)

And I also hear that you’ve now taken up with a new GP – that is HUGE, because of going to someone new, someone different is a massive thing to do and I feel there might be something good coming out of that – a new GP, new insight, perhaps new methods to employ and hopefully may even be able suggest different ways of approaching things – different mechanisms to enable you to get through your days.

And you’ve been through the long-drawn out process of being set up with a disability employment services provider.  I won’t go further into this, but I do hope that some positives for you come out of this also.

So for me, you are very worthwhile and have been productive – these are all good signs.

Ok, so yes, we are all ageing and getting older, but we can do things to assist with this process – exercise, eating healthy, gosh, I’ve got other things to mention about that, but I’ve forgotten them.  I’ll have to get back to you – damn it, that’s my memory going as well !!  😞

Cheers

Neil

[Quivz]

So its been a while...

The DES was in one way better than a regular employment service, more understanding, but their hands are tied by centrelink. So while they understand, they aren't actually any better for me because the requirements are identical. I managed to keep it up till around mid july.

Since mid july i parted with centrelink. I was sick of jumping through hoops made for a very different shaped person to get not enough money to live on. So i've been stacking up a steadily increasing debt to my parents instead. I began the process of reconnecting last wee, but i have no idea how long i'll be able to maintain the circus act this time.

i reconnected with my therapist and went to 5 sessions in a row, missing the 6th for illness. That was a fortnight ago and I've ALMOST called to schedule the next session several times. I know i should go back, but i'm not really seeing any improvement so its hard to motivate myself to continue. I haven't heard anything i didn't already know about myself and my unconscious thought patterns haven't changed an iota and their recommendations of what I should be consciously thinking is what i've been trying to do since i was about 8 or 9 and first wondered if there was something wrong with me.

Having resolved nothing else i haven't made any new relationships either and in fact can probably downgrade another friend to acquaintance having not spoken to them so far this year.

 At the behest of my psychologist i saw a psychiatrist about my medication and will be trying a different anti-depressant. The one i'm on makes me very drowsy at the dosage i've required for any effect so i'm hoping for some improvement on that front.

I am now aware that it's very possible i will never recover or do so so late in life that i will be too old to do anything anyway. That's an inescapably depressing thought.

So all in all i'm no better off, possibly a little worse, than my last post. I can't claim attending therapy as an improvement because i don't feel i'm getting anything out of it and attendance isn't much different from meeting centrelink requirements. Sometimes i have the willpower, sometimes i don't.