UPDATED: Hating every minute

[Quivz]

I've got no money, no job, no real friends who i can talk to about anything more serious than TV shows, am 31 living with my parents, no car, disfiguring psoriasis and a back problem that makes it impossible to stand or sit for anything longer an hour or two. I definitely have the problem of not being able to recall having felt positive about anything in years. All my friends have settled down and got married so i never see anyone anymore and I'm bored and lonely. I'm not suicidal, but i think that's only because i know what it would do to my mum.

I've tried to get professional help, but with no money i've just been run around the public system from incompetent to no english (or both) until I'd used all my free sessions and haven't even been diagnosed yet. Well i was once, but he was one of the incompetents. He was so computer illiterate he typed with only his index fingers at around 5 words a minute. He spent most of the session typing (that slowly) what i was saying into a translator, because he couldn't understand any of the words over 3 syllables i was using (I'm a uni graduate and tend to articulate using precise language), said i was definitely suffering from depression and then totally failed to save any of the documentation onto my medical records. I found this out because he told me to go back and see my GP about seeing a specialist as it wouldn't be covered if it wasn't the GP that wrote the recommendation. The GP told me i have to see a psychiatrist and be assessed first before he could make that kind of recommendation and was extremely unhelpful when i explained that the psychiatrist had sent me to him. I think he thought i was just trying to get drugs. And that was the best of all the free psychologists and psychiatrists i was able to see.

 I've been unemployed for ages and have no references i have been able to make contact with. I cant work in any form of customer service because having to deal with strangers all the time drives me crazy enough that i would rather make myself sick than go to work (i eat off food, or have nothing but dairy for days so that i get ill. I don't know if that counts as self harm, but if it does then i do that rather than deal with people constantly). And even non-customer service jobs where i have to talk to colleagues all the time makes me feel this way too (social anxiety/introversion?).

 I don't know what to do to stop feeling so helpless. I can't even see the same GP twice in a row cos i dont have a family doctor or anything like that, just a centre where there are doctors and the first one free sees you and they never want to deal with anything more complex than a sick certificate. they wont do anything about my back except recommend a physio at $65 a session which i cant afford. My psoriasis is slowly taking over my face so nobody who doesn't already know me wants to talk to me so i cant meet anyone new. My parents are the sort of people who think mental illness is an excuse to be slack or to take drugs and tell me at least once a week that I'm slack or useless cos i cant find work.

 I truly feel like I've been backed into a corner from every direction at once. I've tried to deal with things one at a time, but life just wont let me as the other problems demand attention before i can make any headway and i just end up feeling smothered again. Please tell me how i can help myself?

[Neil_1]

Hi quivz  

Thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and sending your post and wow, it has been a difficult time for you for so long.  

The first thing that I would like to offer/suggest is to see if we can’t get you to see a decent GP.  I think this is a critically important thing for you.  Someone who you can see on a regular basis … someone who you feel comfortable with and someone who will take the time to provide with the support that you so desperately need.  On this website, there are lists of GP’s who specialise in providing specific mental health illness support and care. 

You should be able to do a search and locate a GP (as recommended by Beyond Blue) in your local area.  I don’t know if you’ve tried this before, but I hope this assists.  It does sound like you really need the appropriate professional help to get you started on a bit of a positive path forward.  

That is so unfortunate that your parents are not supportive of you … do you have any siblings who you could possibly turn to at this time?  

 I know I haven’t offered a real lot here for you Quivz, but I hope that the Beyond Blue GP recommendation might prove to be beneficial to you.  I also do hope that some of the other wonderful people on this site might come along and provide you with some advice as well.  

Kind regards  

Neil

[Quivz]

Thanks Neil... I didn't know about about the GP search. I will definitely do that.

I do have a sister who has problems. In fact she's attempted suicide before, but i dont feel comfortable talking to her about this. I don't know why, but she hasn't felt comfortable talking to me about it either. Probably our parents influence i guess. I know its wrong to be so ashamed about it, but its uncomfortable.

[MaryG]

Hi Quivz,

sorry to hear you are really struggling and finding it impossible to get the help and support that you need. I agree with Neil and think that a good GP will really help you to get started. It is so hard with medical centre one off visits. I had a similar experience with an illiterate doctor who did take me seriously, but gave me a referral to a psychologist that he pretty much googled on the spot. The referral was so full of errors that I tore it up and threw it away. A lot of medical centres are able to give you an appointment to a particular doctor so if there was anyone there that you felt any rapport with at all then maybe you could make an appointment with them. 

You say that you have some friends but you don't really see them any more. Was there anyone there that you used to be close to that you could call for a coffee or a chat? Their circumstances might have changed but that doesn't mean that they don't care about you.

And then there is this site. There are a lot of people here who will listen and support and offer advice and even laugh with you. So please keep posting and share what you are going through and we will try to help.

Take care

Mary.

[Neil_1]

Hi Quivz

I’m really pleased that I was able to provide some advice to you regarding the GP’s on this website.  I hope that you can find who will be able to assist you – and provide advice and guidance beyond that.

Quivz, you can talk or post here all that you like … because everyone who comes here is supported, cared for, given advice, assistance and I’ll say it again, supported all the way.  It’s a site where the words “ashamed”, “shame”, “uncomfortable”, “weak”, “sorry”, etc are all the nasty words and quite often we hope that they are left at the door before you enter this site.  Why?  Because no-one who is suffering from this awful illness should ever have to deal with any of those words – I do know that they are just words – but on the outside they can have damaging effects – but here they are not welcome.  🙂   I hope that came across ok … I knew what I was trying to get across, I hope my point was understood?

 I hope that your sister is getting some professional treatment also?  If you feel ok to do so, perhaps you could steer her to this site?  But that’s only a thought I had … I’m not in any way wishing to push or go beyond boundaries here.

Quivz, we’ll have your back here 100% … and you can feel confident that you’ll be supported in any way that we can.  And would also love to hear back from you.

Kind regards

Neil

[Quivz]

So i've looked everywhere and the only place that bulk bills IS the crappy centre i've been going to. I don't know what to do now... I might just have to go back and keep trying until i get a doctor who will refer me to someone less incompetent. Unless you guys here have any other suggestions. I suppose i could also expand my search to longer bus rides, but the last doctors surgery i tried was pretty sure that the place i've been going is the only one this side of the city that bulk bills. So 1 hour or more bus ride may improve my chances, but she (the receptionist) doubts it. She was sympathetic, apparently its a common question they get and they have to turn people away all the time.

[Neil_1]

Hi Quivz

I’m really sorry to hear how this has finished up for you at the current time.  Totally not satisfactory, but I’m guessing you already know that.

Dear valued members of Beyond Blue – is there someone out there who might be able to come up with a possible option/or solution to help Quivz out with regard to bulk billing or at the very least, cheaper options for qualified professional support??  I know there are kind folk out there who know, because I’m simply of no use to Quivz in this situation and for that Quivz, I’m sorry.

But I hope some kind soul will be along to rescue you with some proper advice shortly.

Kind regards

Neil

[scorch]

Hi Quivz, I don't know if this goes against the anonymity rules of BB, but I'll ask away.  What city do you live in?  I used to live on the outskirts of Melbourne and there were some good centers nearby with decent docs.  If you are anywhere near the area I could point you to a good place.  It might mean a train ride though.

I used to get charged the normal cost of a GP - but after a few visits I had an appointment with a great doc who realised I couldn't really afford to keep coming - so he decided to bulk bill even though the clinic didn't usually do it.  This was for a physical condition, not my depression, so I don't know if that would have made a difference or not... all I know is he was a pretty good guy.

I wonder if you'd be able to find a doctor like that, it's usually up to the doc's discretion if they bulk bill or not - so maybe if you talked to an actual doctor you might make more headway then just talking to the receptionist.  I ended up being referred to receive ongoing treatment at the women's hospital in Melbourne with scans at an outside lab every second day, bulked billed at the doctor's requests so I didn't have to pay for anything other than medication. (Although, to be fair, I had to use a lot of medication)

If you find an understanding doctor, they can make things happen for you.  Sometimes it just takes some explanation and patience... I think you have just had an awful selection of docs to choose from.  Hopefully you find someone soon xox

[Quivz]

So i convinced my mum to loan me the money to see a gp at the practice she goes to. Not the same doctor as her though. i told her my psoriasis is getting worse and I'm not getting the help i need at the centre (kinda true too, but not my focus at the moment), and she relented. I'm getting a bit anxious about the whole thing though. I'm not looking forward to having to tell my whole story again and then explain how poor i am and how i need help within my meager means.

 At least I'm stepping forward again finally. I cant keep going round and round getting nowhere. I cant keep lying to centrelink about looking for jobs, cos I'm too damn scared that if i apply for something i might actually get it and start the spiral again.

I want so badly to be employed and at the same time, every time i'm on the crux of applying for something i have a good shot at i back out of it, because i just know i wont last a fortnight before i'm calling in sick 3-4 days a week and trying to find new ways to fool the GP into giving me the certificate. A decent doctor probably would have commented on all the sick certificates on my medical record. Just goes to show how much the doctors at the centre are concentrating on throughput rather than quality of care. In the last 3ears i've been employed for around 4 months and I've been "sick" off work for 2 1/2 months of that 4. I quit each time pointing out that i'm trying to be reliable, but i'm just not capable at the moment. i know I'm a good worker because all 3 jobs contacted me shortly thereafter to see if i'd reconsider and come back to work for them.

Anyway, can't sleep again, because thoughts of how messed up everything is and what the doctors going to be like Thursday wont stop running around my head. maybe duymping some of it out here will let me get to sleep.

[geoff]

dear Quivz, sorry I have missed your post because you needed more support, although Neil, MaryG and Scorch have been providing this for you which is terrific.

Forgive me if I am incorrect, but to me it seems as though your psoriasis is creating a large amount of your depression and then your fear of work, plus the lack of psych's who actually bulk bill.

My psychologist would also bulk bill here in Moe Gippsland, but she has now left and moved to a country town by the beach, so I am wondering whether you are able to explain to any psych if they do bulk bill, although I know that some psychiatrists do bulk bill, so this means having to ring around where you are, or even an hour away, which is really a pain, but you can ask any counselling centre if they know of some centre where they do bulk bill.

What I am concerned about is that the doctor who you finally see on a continual basis whether they would be able to give you a certificate detailing that you have depression and are unable to work for a certain amount of time, then take this into centrelink, only because with all your sick leave you are unable to work, this then may work, or maybe not, but it's worth a try.

It's a problem not only for yourself but also for many others as well, so it's a catch-22 situation, or you could ring web chat on the above number. Geoff.