Tired of being "the strong one".

[accordingtosam]

I have led a life of being the 'strong one'. Putting everyone else's problems before my own and wanting to help is just what I have always done. It's who I am. I put on a brave face and everyone around me sees a strong, independent person. Suddenly I sit here at 31, tight in the chest, feeling lost and unsure where to look for direction. I spent too long denying my own feelings and now I feel like I am the one who is unravelling. 

I am an Aries which makes me stubborn. Stubborn to the fact that I have been experiencing waves of what I was too proud to admit is more than likely some kind of depression. It's not life threatening but sometimes it can be paralysing, even if only for a day. It comes and goes and one day I can be plodding along ok and the next I can feel down enough to not want to get out of bed.

While the emotions I am feeling are real I also take on a great amount of guilt for feeling the way I do. Yes there's been things that have hurt me in the past, a long term relationship breakdown, a life time of family drama but nothing I ever considered significant enough to justify why I feel so miserable at times.

I think about so many other things that are wrong in the world and how many less fortunate people are out their surviving and it makes me mad for feeling the way I do. Maybe I am naive but I just don't understand it. How is it possible to feel so rough when most of the time you don't even know why? 

My brother was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder which I feel was induced by his own drug addiction. He made and continues to make poor life choices and I have based my own life on working hard to be nothing like him. My mother is his saviour even though he treats her like a puppet on a string and she continually reminds me that mental health issues "runs in the family". I have never given in to the notion and sometimes I feel like our relationship would be better if I did use the Mental Health card like my brother so loosely throws around as an excuse for bad behaviour. 

I feel like I have spent my entire life trying to prove to myself that I am strong and that I would make better life choices than my siblings. I have spent so much of my energy setting such high expectations to be strong and shelving my own emotions that now I'm tired. Tired of being the together one. Tired of "fixing" everyone else and hiding behind their problems instead of facing my own. 

To those listening, thank you.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sam

First of all, welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you so much for writing in here. You are obviously a caring person who has done so much for others and now needs to be cared for yourself. Here at BB it is the 'house special' to look after everyone who comes here.

First let me reassure you. The feelings you describe are so much like those experienced by most, if not all, BB contributors. You are not alone and the thoughts and emotions you have are the result of, dare I say, not looking after yourself because you care too much for others.

You know the expression "How long is a piece of string?" I suspect you have got to the end of your emotional string and need to move back and get refreshed. It seems to me that it is always the helpers and carers of the world who collapse first.

So what can you do? First of all go and see your GP. Tell him/her all the things you have said here. Be completely open. There is no point in being 'brave' and keeping information back as there is nothing to be ashamed of, except being stubborn. Stubbornness may get you through many things, and will probably help in managing what appears to be your depression, but will not help the doctor to make a full and correct diagnosis. And without this you may well not get the help you need.

If you do not have a GP, or you are not happy with your current GP, look under "Resources' at the top of the page and follow the Health Professionals link. You will hopefully find a GP experienced in mental health in your area. Make a long appointment with whoever you see and take it from there.

Feelings of guilt, shame, anxiety and sadness are common in depression. Concern for the rest of the world and all it's troubles is good until it takes over your life and leaves you full of guilt and anger. Sad though it is, you cannot change the world and at the moment you need to focus on your needs and changing yourself. I know because I am in the same position. I am finding it hard to let go of something that is failing and concentrate on getting well. I cannot help anyone while I am unwell.

The psych I see gave me this analogy. When you are in a plane and being told what to do in an emergency you are instructed how to use the oxygen masks. You are always told to put your own mask on first, even before your children, as you cannot help others if you cannot breathe. Your first instinct is to help others. Now is the time to help yourself.

Hope you will write in again soon and bring us up to date.

LING

[Neil_1]

Hi Sam

I too would like to extend a warm welcome to you and thank you for coming to Beyond Blue and providing your post.

Let me just say that I think LING has covered things really well with her beautiful response to you.  So much so, that I don't really have too much to add but just to back LING up on the thought of:  "Now is the time to help yourself".

And I think by you coming here is a major first step of the process.  Next step to take is to seek out appropriate professional help.

I too would like to hear back from you also.

Kind regards

Neil

[accordingtosam]

Ling & Neil, thank you for your kind words and advice. It's really nice to know there's people out there who understand. You are both spot on about now being the time to start looking after myself. I didn't realise constantly being the rock for other people could eventually take its toll on me. 

Today is a better day than yesterday, I'm taking small steps in order to help myself so thank you both again for the reassurance and guidance, I really appreciate it.

I will keep you guys posted and please know I am also here to listen...after all the name Samantha means 'the listener' 🙂

[White_Rose]

Great to hear from you Sam. Also very pleased that you are starting on the road to recovery. Take care of yourself and write in here as often as you can.

LING

[geoff]

dear Sam, yes I too would like to welcome you on board.

LING has indeed covered a lot of information and she is doing an excellent job, even though she has her own problems, but that's what happens on this site, people still respond back to people offering them advice and suggestions.

What I would like to say is that when you help others first, as you have done, what sort of help do these people give you when you need it.

I can associate with what you have been doing, and the people I looked after have only said to me 'when you feel better come back and see me', so there was no offer of 'how can I help you', or 'what can I do for you', so basically it's not that you have done a great job for them, but it seems to be pointless, and it's gone down the gutter.

This is something that is learnt when overcoming depression, because we learn to know who are the people that are using us, compared to those that really appreciate our help. L Geoff. x