I've always tried to hide my depression. It's been something I have
become quite good at doing. My struggles have been dealt with in
silence. While there are people in my life who know what I go through, I
am very good at putting on the 'I'm ok' face...
View more
I've always tried to hide my depression. It's been something I have
become quite good at doing. My struggles have been dealt with in
silence. While there are people in my life who know what I go through, I
am very good at putting on the 'I'm ok' face and just going through the
motions. However, the events of the last three days have lead me to
realise that I can no longer do that. It is not only hurting me, but
those around me. And as I feel as though the walls are closing in, I am
less able to put on the brave face that has always masked my inner
struggles. around this time last year I was admitted to hospital for an
act of self harm. While I admit that this happened, I don't like using
that word. My actions were not done toend my life, in all honesty I'm
terrified to die. I wanted the thoughts in my head to stop and I thought
that this was my only option. As I think back, it was almost an out of
body experience. Like someone else was doing it and I was just the
vehicle. I got the help I needed. I was able to work through what had
lead me to that situation. I truly felt ok. this year so far has been
good. I was enjoying work, planning an overseas holiday, actively
participating in social activities, making new friends, seeing old
friends, finding love. I could acknowledge what had happened and was
able to talk about it. I still didn't want my depression to define me
though. In the last 4 weeks I have been faced with challenges. Not
knowing if I had a job, issues at work (not solely directed at me
personally), my social activities were becoming less, my mum (my biggest
support person) went overseas, the guy I fell for told me he no longer
wanted to see me and my shifts were so erratic that I couldn't catch up
on enough sleep. It all happened at once, everything that seemed fine
was becoming harder and harder to deal with. I took myself away and put
up all the walls I had previously broken down. as I looked at myself in
the mirror all I saw was a stranger staring back. I am completely
disconnected from the person staring back. My abilities to have
conversations are clouded and I often don't even know what I say.
Talking to a friend I said 'I just want it to end'. I did. I meant it.
But I didn't want my life to end, I wanted the thoughts to end. I can
see now how my words can be heard to others. I don't blame them for what
they did. While at work, in a corner and barely able to stop crying, I
was approached by a colleague. He told me to get my bag and come with
him. As I walked down the hall I could see the police standing there. My
friend, in wanting to know my safety, had called them. I knew what was
next, as I sat in the hospital I just wanted to go home. How
embarrassing to be in this situation again. How do you explain to people
that you didn't mean it the way it sounds? It's right there in black and
white. I sat in a room with two security guards watching me. I felt like
a prisoner. The psychologist sat there asking me questions. As I
answered I felt her tone was judgemental. As I sat there becoming more
and more embarrassed, crying, she made me feel like it was my fault.
'Well clearly you need to get out more' she said. Don't you think I know
that? She finally let me go home, after telling me I should know better,
given this is my second admission.as I lay in bed the images of the
night were there every time I closed my eyes. I wanted it to be a dream.
After a few hours I had to get up. To move. And that brings me here. As
much as I feel like I am alone in my struggles, I know I'm not. I'm not
ready to talk to all my friends. But being able to unload here brings me
at least some kind of peace. I don't want to do this alone anymore. I
don't want to be a stranger to myself. I need help..
Hello! Read this if you're not sure how to get started
