Tears

[Neil_1]

Dear all (or dear anyone who reads this ... no bugga it, dear all ... why should I discriminate against anyone);

This is a simple post.

I want so much to cry.  I need to cry.  But I cannot cry.

Could anyone tell me, "Why can't I cry?"

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, a large chunk of my post was wiped out, and it was referring to, and I have to be careful here because it may happen again, so how do I begin, it was referring to your relationship with your brother and your Dad that you had.

The gratefulness, your aptitude and your caring that all of us really appreciate, but my comments go much much more personal to you and that's what was deleted, and I know the rules, however in times like this I can't see why someone like yourself should have these comments rubbed out.

Your precision in knowing is wrong with someone is spot on, and it goes more than this, you have compassion towards others and with this it links you with crying for help.

I want ( careful now) express the closeness that we have developed, and this closeness also applies to others, just as it does with me.

What I am trying to say to you Neil, is that we know what the pain that you are suffering, as well the grief, and by hell we want to try and make it a bit easier for you, it's not easy, but we care for you.

If for some reason this has been edited I will try again. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you my friend for the kind words as you always provide, not only to me, but to everyone.  But you know, this is around my 3rd or so year here ... ok, not consecutive, as I've taken large breaks during that time, but even going back 3 years, it was you who was the constant here (yes, there were other regulars that we remember as well), but you, Geoff were here then.  And always have been.

I think for any of us who post here for a while, there is this "bond" between us - as a collective group, absolutely, but also on a one-on-one basis;  I feel we form a bond between individuals as well.  And I feel that with quite a number on this site, but Geoff, you are definitely a strong bond for me.

It's hard to describe, as we've obviously never met or chatted ... and you've never seen me.  I see your pic every day and your gorgeous little Moo Moo (who often gets walked at 3am ... of ALL hours! - I still haven't gotten to the bottom of that particular story either?) but to me this is like people who are from an extended family.  I see you as an older brother.  Yeah, I think that's how I envisage it.  There's a mateship, a friendship and a bond ... a kind of electronically brotherly bond.  And being a bond, it means through thick and think, we're there for each other (and I'm extending this to all out there, not just Geoff - so when I say the bond and thick and thin, it's too everyone).

Wow, I don't know where this came from.  I have wanted to express this for a while but also I wanted to write down these things as they mean so much to me.

I wonder why some of your words get wiped?  Do you get messages from the forum moderator to say why??

Geoff, the bond I had with my brother and my Dad was phenomenal.  Just the most special link you could envisage and you know, I was only thinking last night about the special relationship that Dad and I had.  We would phone each other at a minimum, twice a week (we lived 3 hours away from each other) and that was over a period of some 22 years.  Our common interests were so varied, but ranged from cricket in the summer months, to AFL in the winter months and year round, our love and passion for horses was immense.  Plus things that were happening on his farm, how I was going here and other family things.

Holy ... I've rabbited on again.

I hope the above resonated, not only with you, but to others.

Cheers

Neil

ps:  the eyes are dry again.  Big surprise.  But yes, I'm also listening to you Geoff, that if you WANT something to happen, it generally doesn't;  it's gotta happen at the most inopportune times.  One day when I grow up, I wanna be just like you.

[Neil_1]

Hi Jo and Maresy

You know this site is brilliant ... but it can have it's downfalls as well.  Downfalls when wonderful people like you both should be doing everything you can to be looking after yourselves and not be worrying about others (like me).

You both are doing it so tough right now and you need to have your energies focussed on Number One, and that's you JO, for you.  And that's you Mares, for you.

But I guess that just shows out what passionate, caring and wonderful people we have on this site.  You both tick those items off completely.

My psych appointment is 13th Feb, so still a little while.  I remember the last times I used to go;  wow, some 18 months ago ... and an hour session, would just fly by.

She's a nice lady (and believe me I've had a number - of psych's dear people, psych's ... not lady's - you people with your naughty minds, I don't know!) and we have a really good repoire which is really hard to find.

We covered lots of ground in previous sessions and she's given me good things to think about afterwards and so yeah, I'm looking forward to these upcoming sessions.  And they'll be fortnightly for 4 weeks to start with ... but I think I only have 6 in this current batch.

And for me now, it's the start of a "looooong weekend" as I've got Friday day off on a flex day, and we have Monday off as a public holiday in lieu of Australia Day falling on Sunday.

To all my friends out there, THANK YOU,

Neil

[geoff]

dear Neil, my esteemed friend.

I don't discriminate between anybody, all the people here are all equal, some have different experiences to others, but this only means that we all share a common bond, we do, unfortunately it's called depression, it rots our soul, our dignity, our self worth, our honour and everything else that we may have achieved over a long period of time.

I'm probably the oldest here at the moment but this doesn't necessarily indicate that I have had depression for a longer period than some of you, maybe I have or maybe not, but that's not to be decided here, and it's not the principle of this site.

This is a place where we all come to vent our concerns, our thoughts that go around in our mind which in actual fact keep us in depression.

Neil, there's no need for you to say ' I wanna be just like you', because your're there already, a very capable and knowledgeable, caring person, in which you join all the other formidable responders.

I just want you to take it easy, because these flashbacks will occur often unfortunately, and you like the others have every right to have a relapse where they just dominate. Geoff.

[Neil_1]

Hi Geoff (and others)

I get exactly what you say Geoff, and I was meaning that everyone here, whether they post or not, if they just sit back and read, are all part of this community that we have.  It's a safe, non-judgemental place, where support is given to one and all.

But yeah, in no-way was I meaning to disassociate others from the post that I did up above.  But I still stand by the fact that I think it IS a giant community and even an extended family ... a family where we know each of us suffers from this dreadful illness and a family or a place where any of us can come to for support, can provide support and more.

That's all.   🙂  🙂  🙂

Cheers,

Neil

🙂

[Girl_Anachronism]

Hi Neil,

Not capable of posting my usual spiel today (sideeffects of new meds I am dealing with) but I felt I needed to say Ahoy Hoy and send some hugs your way. You have always been here for me on this site and I'll always be here for you if you need me.

GA

[Mares73]

Dear Neil, Geoff as usual is right-we do make connections with people & we are part of a broader type of "family" I guess. I've been thinking of you a lot the past few days, wondering how you are & feeling sad that your having such a hard time. I've had moments where I worry & wish I could talk to you but I can't so I do what I can-think of you, and leave you msgs. You are precious Neil & I really believe in you-even when you don't. I know things aren't good so I won't write an essay but you are in my heart & spirit there's no words for the bonds we share here except to say simply I care more than you would probably believe because you don't have confidence. But I do. Thinking of you, . Lve Maresy x

[geoff]

dear Mares, I can just say 'here-here'.

I really hate it when our members are indeed struggling, it's not right but all we can do is support them all the way, where they have their ups and downs we will support their basic foundations, and hopefully get them over the line once more, to start another day.

There are a lot of our friends on this site who are struggling to find their feet, as it is really a day by day proposition.

Unfortunately we have someone who none of us could help in any way, so he is leaving this site, I just wish that he could have stayed around a little longer, because by reading all the posts and replies there can be so much that something might register or be able to understand. L Geoff. x

[Neil_1]

Hi there

What is life?   Why do tears help?

You know the sad or scary part that I think of from time to time ... is that there are so many people on here who have expressed the desire to somehow hook up and meet each other in person.  You know what?  That would scare the absolute $%^# out of me.  Why?  Cause I wouldn't know what to say ... I would feel pressured to have to say 'something'.  Doesn't that sound awful.  But I believe it to be true ... this is something that I stress about (not meeting up with you guys - cause in all seriousness, that's not likely to happen), but I stress about when I have to meet people and talk.  Like in work situations etc ... because it just takes me out of my comfort zone.  I believe it's why a few of my friends have drifted away ... because of my inability to be sociable anymore.

I feel just awful that I posted this, but I have wanted to express it for sometime.  I cherish this internet friendship that we've built up - and will continue to build not only with the regulars here, but with new ones as they come along - and it's something that means so much to me.  I guess that if it ever happened, well once I was there I'd open up (I guess as I generally do) but it's just the lead up to it.  Here I am stressing about something that most probably will never happen.  But situations like this DO happen for me and these situations haunt me as well.  Because I am weak, I am very insecure, am not confident at all and this is the truth; because otherwise I wouldn't be feeling this way.

But put me behind a keyboard and a computer and it's damn hard (as you know only too well) to shut me up.

But it's all getting just so hard ... so hard ... being down for this long cannot be healthy - well physically I guess I'm ok, but mentally, I'm hopeless, and insecure and self-worth is nigh on zero.

I feel like a boxer in a title fight that everytime he gets up, the opponent comes back and throws another combination to my temple and down I go again, and each time I'm down, the struggle "just" to get to my feet is enormous.  I grab for the ropes to help me back up and then the opponent comes in and gives me a cheap shot in my kidneys and I slip down again.  The opponent stands back and then laughs.  You see this isn't an actually a monitored title fight as such.  It's about me and an opponent (my black dog) who's evil with his blood red eyes and drooling mouth with razor sharp teeth and claws.

You know, I've done things that have occupied my mind - we've got a pretty nice and neat home at the moment, the garden is looking ok, and I've cleaned up under the house this morning - doing things that I express to others to do - and even though things are ship-shape in the home of Neil, it is drastically so different in the mind of Neil

I will shut up now, otherwise I'll just take up too much of anyone's time who managed to read this.  I'm sorry folks.

Neil

ps:  if I didn't say it above, I'll say it now ... that each of you on this site mean the absolute world to me.  I mean that from deep deep down.

[Mares73]

Dear Geoff-I really hope you aren't referring to Neil??? Of course it is very sad & upsetting to hear that a member is leaving the site as he felt unable to receive support/help. And yes it's very sad that the person will miss the posts of support for him-especially when they may have given him a sense of the support & help he could have received from others on the site. It makes me very sad. I can only hope he may check the site or decide to have another look. And I hope he receives the support he needs-it's just sad he has given up on another added support-and as we know-the more support the better when you are going through this terrible illness. Mares xxx