Supporting my partner with depresion

[Vannnnn]

Hi

When I first met my partner everything was perfect the last 6 months he has had depression. I battled mental health myself about 2.5 years ago and some days I still suffer I’m still on medication from it. I still do counselling etc. This was from a bad break up after 7 years and I pulled through. However my recent partner now works fifo as well as I work fifo. We cross over only every 5 weeks. When we are together everything is amazing

however when he goes to work it is the complete opposite. He doesn’t want to speak to me, a lot of things I say trigger him even though it is just a normal conversation, he just wants to be left alone,  he doesn’t want help he only wants to do it himself. He’s lost and when I ask what can I do for you in this moment his response is I don’t know. It makes it difficult for me to navigate when he doesn’t have any answers or want any support or help. Im putting more into the relationship then he is as obviously his mind his else where. He always tells me about he thinks about being on his own because it’s easier as he doesn’t have to worry about anyone else but himself or the pressure a relationship puts onto him. I’m at a cross roads and he knows I am here for him and support him. When he asks for space I respect it and he can go days without speaking even though we already do the 5 weeks apart. I’m at a crossroads. I feel like I’m loosing myself when all I want to do is make it easy for him  

[therising]

Hi Vannnnn

My heart goes out to you as you find yourself in an incredibly challenging and tough situation. Given how much work you've put into self development, you'd know that self development can be far from easy at times, far far from easy. While it would be easier to be able to work things out on your own, as opposed to having to search for the right guide (such as a counselor), you did the hard work and searched for the right kind of guidance. While it would be easier to be able to emotionally detach and not feel so much, including feeling inner dialogue, you've been doing the hard work when it comes to better understanding and managing emotions and inner dialogue. And while it would be much easier to have a carefree relationship without problems, especially after your past experience, you're putting so much hard work into trying to manage evolving your current relationship. Without a doubt, you're a hard worker.

I can understand that while depression's hard enough to manage at times, doing the hard work on top of that can feel like the last thing we want to do. Perhaps this is how your partner feels. The problem with our partner not wanting to do the work it takes to best serve themself and the relationship they're in with us is we can end up doing a lot of the work. I found this to be the case with my own relationship, with my husband. I've found when someone in a relationship doesn't want to evolve in a variety of ways (beyond what doesn't serve the relationship), it can take a lot of work to accommodate that. You definitely lose parts of yourself along the way. It's like if they don't want to face certain emotional challenges that can lead the relationship to become a little more carefree, we don't get to experience our carefree sense of self. Or maybe if it involves them not wanting to develop the adventurer in themself for one reason or another. We can miss out of experiencing our adventurous sense of self with them. There can be a long list of facets that go toward making up who we are as a whole that we don't get to experience or we need to suppress for the sake of making things easier for our partner.

I can recall my husband saying to me years ago something along the lines of 'You don't need to do all this work', when it came to trialing various medications for depression or seeing professionals for guidance of some nature or sitting trying to analyse the hell out of life. My response to him was 'I have to do this because my depression doesn't just involve me, it involves you and our kids and it's not fair if I do nothing'.

If your partner doesn't want to face the work it takes for his own growth and the growth of the relationship you share, perhaps the tough discussion needs to be along the lines of 'If you choose to make no difference, I can't lose myself in the process of you making no difference. Let me know now if you intend to make a difference and I'll fully support you in that'.

[Vannnnn]

Hi thersing 

I see you there.

Thanks for the big reply I really appreciate it. 
I’m trying very hard to understand depression and navigate my way through it. You are right I’m doing everything I can from my end to understand it, I watch and listen to a lot of podcasts for depression, I’m going to my own counselling as well as a support group councillor. I think the thing that gets me and this is hard, his mates get the best version of him and unfortunately it’s the masked version where I see reality and it’s hard. I’m afraid when he has extra bad days and asks for space I’m afraid he will want to break it off because life could be easier without the pressure of a relationship which I completely understand. However I’m trying my best to let him know i support him and I am here for him. It’s day 3 of not speaking tomorrow and I’m trying my hardest to not reach out because this isn’t about me, it’s about him. I know in his head he doesn’t hav the energy for a relationship because he can’t even give himself the energy but you know I feel like that’s the depression speaking and I refuse to let it win. 

its good to know the more I understand it and it is all normal and partners who support there person are going through the same struggles. However in terms of getting better my councillor suggested sometimes less is more which means  sometimes doing nothing can mean eveything because it is not my job to heal or fix. I’m here for the support from a distance. He knows he can message me anytime. But it’s hard! 
but also I need some compromise that he’s doing something to get better. I don’t even want to say anything because I have learnt the hard way that it’s triggering. It’s so

complicated and my anxiety creeps up so bad especially when I wake up and it’s hard to function so indefinitely will be going back to the doctor to help me through the anxiety attacks. I just want to be supportive without the pressure and make this as easy as possible and I hope he realises that 

[rossodelgiorno]

Love is so brutal but worth it if it's meant to be. Don't take so much responsibility for someone else's happiness though. It's up to him to manage his own mental health. Focus on yourself and your self care and self love will rub off on him if it's meant to be. Depression causes you to push people away and men are terrible at talking about their feelings. Try and encourage positive activities together e.g. going out for a nice dinner, seeing a good movie, going for a picnic. I feel with men doing things is easier than talking and a lovely way to connect. Just talking from my own personal experience supporting a partner who struggles with his mental health (along with myself). I think what finally helped me was taking the pressure of myself to fix his issues, and letting him lean into his support system outside of the relationship.