Self loathing

[Katso]

I try to be happy but always compare myself - my looks my life with others. I have to get dressed virtually in dark- hate the way I look and menopause has only increased this with weight gain- I’m at the stage where I don’t want to go out- feel so lonely and always feel like everything I say is wrong so I stay at home which makes me kind of better - but then of course more lonely - I don’t want a counsellor to ask me to picture a leaf floating down a stream etc - it won’t help me - does anyone have good success with anything 

I’ve also found anti depressants not working so well

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My wife and I have tried all our lives to lose weight without success until the last 6 months. We are on a weight loss injection every fortnight and it is working. Yes there is side effects and we here are limited by what we can describe as to any medication etc, so you need to take up the topic with your GP but for example I've lost 12kg in 6 months.

At the same time at you GP, discuss your anti depressants. I found when I switched meds for depression the new ones have zero side effects.

So these two topics need investigating but I also ask you to read the following post first page. Low self esteem isnt all about body image but inner praise.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/the-best-praise-you-ll-ever-get/td-p/134999

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/anxiety/worry-worry-worry/td-p/87808

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Katso

As a super cuddly (far from slim) 53yo woman, mirrors tend to trigger some of my so called 'inner demons'. If I had to give them a name, I'd call one my harsh inner critic, another my saboteur, another the soul destroyer and the list goes on. Btw, my saboteur can sound like 'You know you'd feel so much happier with a pack of Twisties, a block of chocolate and a Netflix binge'. Next level is 'Go for the party pack and the family block as there's even more 'happiness' to be had in those'. I swear, if our inner demons were like some visible creatures standing around us as we look into the mirror (especially just before or after a shower), they be grinning from ear to ear while rubbing their hands together. Nasty depressing little things. 

I don't think people realise the full impact of inner dialogue until it becomes a serious struggle for them. What comes to mind can be so convincing at times and so painful. Before I go on with the inner dialogue factor, just want to make it clear it's not about hearing voices, it's simply about sensing words that come to mind. It can all play out in ways we're not even conscious of. All the tiny little triggers, one after the other, down, down, down, further and further into a depression. Personally, I found giving a name to where the dialogue's coming from can help. Kind of like 'I know you, you little b******d, you're my depressing inner critic'. To give you an example of how our inner critic can mess with us, I offer the following scenario... You can feel great buying an incredible outfit that looks fantastic in the mirror in the shop. You get it home and try it on again, looking for a high. You put it on and the mirror at home has you look so different. Your heart sinks or breaks as you notice some back flab, you feel yourself appearing 10 kilos heavier etc etc. Cue your inner demons, rubbing their little hands together, looking for any opportunity. 'Who were you kidding. How could you have thought you'd ever look better than what you really do. You're fat, you're old and you're ugly and what you see before you is proof'. And what was that? Get changed and go back out and get some Twisties and chocolate? Oh, my god! They're shockers!!! When it comes to our inner demons, 'Get the hell out of my head!' can be a handy mantra.

I've found inner demons don't like the 'H' word (healthy) because as a consequence of being healthier, we'll be happier. In theory anyway. If I feed my gut microbiome healthy food my microbes will thrive on, they'll help produce more serotonin for me which will lead to some sense of happiness and energy. If I feed every cell in my body more water, this will help charge every cell in my body, leading to a higher cellular vibration (higher levels of energy or a higher vibe that can be felt). If I stretch every muscle in my body, I'll release tension. If I develop ways to serve my vagus nerve, I'll feel the impact on my nervous system. If I dye my hair pink, purple or something along those lines, I will appear more colourful to myself, on reflection (in the mirror). The consequences or side effects of such changes happen to be weight loss, more energy, a calmer nervous system, a greater sense of satisfaction etc. Now, if all our inner demons got together in a round table conference, I imagine it'd sound a little like 'We have to stop all these side effects from potentially taking place because if they do take place, she'll not longer be able to hear us. We need to become louder and even more depressing'. 

Btw, from a non medical perspective, menopause can have a 'dark night of the soul' factor to it for some people. It's kinda like a 'waking up' phase. Can involve waking up to a greater level of sensitivity while coming to our senses or returning to our senses full force, which can be depressing and stressful to begin with because we're feeling everything, typically like we did when we were a kid (before being desensitised to a lot of stuff in a number of ways). Can also involve waking up to who and what we can no longer tolerate in our life (including stressful people and poor health), waking up to a need to live in more soulful and less materialistic ways, waking up to a need for a more meaningful connection to people and life in general and the list goes on. The sudden overwhelming surges of incredible hyperactivity in the body, as it works intensely through a variety of significant changes, can generate some serious heat (aka 'power surges'). Can be a powerful time in so many ways.

[Tzen]

Thank you for this answer @therising. I found it really insightful, and I'm not sure if this is possible, but I think we might share demons, perhaps on some sort of roster system! 

I especially liked what you said about menopause. I was always told I was too sensitive as a child, and so developed a tough shell for 30 or so years. Menopause blew that shell (and many other things) apart. I learnt that my sensitivity is actually a super power. I learnt I didn't need a tough exterior because I can't control others; their behaviour and beliefs are their issues. My priorities have totally changed (in fact I resigned from my job at a top of my career and travelled for six months). 

The weight gain - well, that's a hard one to see positively. Especially now in summer, when I want to do laps in the ocean pool, I'm extremely self-conscious. But I try to tell myself that I am doing everything I can to keep my body healthy. Luckily I don't have a sweet tooth, and only eat two healthy meals a day, but still the waistline is increasing. All I can do is keep stretching and moving the best way I can.

It is absolutely a time of immense change for me. At the moment I'm extremely lonely, but about to move five hours away so don't see much point in trying to make new connections here. I will start afresh in my new town, and make every effort to accept people for who and where they are, without any expectations (which is really hard for the sensitive souls - 'Why don't they like me?'), and hopefully they will do the same for me.   

@katso, one thing I found really helped was to get out in nature. You can't say anything wrong there. You just are, and that is more than enough.

[white knight]

Re: "start afresh in my new town". That's positive. Also do you have a dog? If not seek out a cute puppy, it becomes so easy to meet people with one.

I think The Rising summed up many things on your topics.

TonyWK 

[Fiatlux]

Hi Katso,

I am now a 56 year old menopausal introvert. I have only now, that it’s summer realised how much weight I have gained this year when I had a good look in the mirror in the stark broad daylight. During winter I too get dressed in the dark and as long as my comfy pants fit, I didn’t think it was all that bad. 

To be honest I never ever thought that I was pretty or beautiful even when I was young and beautiful. The realisation that I was actually pretty bloody beautiful was when I hit 52 and I found some photos of myself from my 25th Birthday. I didn’t recognise myself. I had to take a good hard look at these old photos before I realised that the beautiful bombshell in the photo was me. I just thought, wow, why didn’t I see myself when I looked in the mirror back then.

Of course now, I look back at photos of myself from when I was 52 and think wow, did I really look like that only a few years ago. I would give anything to go back to 52. I didn’t appreciate that woman.

I can’t say that I ever compared myself to others, but I do compare myself now with myself from even a year ago. I am a little conscious of my weight gain and I feel more comfortable in floaty loose clothes anyway.

I don’t think fantasy counselling would work for me either. I bet that you are probably a lot better than you think. We always judge ourselves too harshly. 

I am responding a little bit better with HRT but it’s not for everyone. It has lifted my mood and given me some inner strength and I feel more positive about my future.

I joined a friendship group for women who were over 50, Fit and fabulous, but I never ever actually attended any of their get togethers. Don’t know if something like this would interest you. 

Take care Katso and don’t be too hard on yourself. 🙏🏼 FiatLux 

[therising]

Hi Tzen

Nature is definitely a beautiful thing, offering great relief at times. Sounds a bit strange perhaps but I think there are skills involved in appreciating nature, like how to switch off from stressful stuff and just feel it, how to allow it to take hold of you and how to absorb it in multi sensory ways. The list goes on.

Yes, the inner demons on a roster. I have visions of some inner demon employment agency, where the add goes out, 'We're seriously short of harsh and brutal inner critics and we're willing to pay overtime because working overtime is exactly what you'll be doing with some people'. Get a bunch of sensitive people in a room and ask anyone to put their hand up when it comes to whose harsh and brutal inner critic works overtime on occasion. Guaranteed at least half the room will put their hand up. Then ask whose inner sage is channeled on regular occasions and at least one person in the room will call out what most people are thinking, 'I wish!', triggering everyone to laughter. Oh, to channel on command, the ultimate goal. So many different parts of us we need to channel to life more, such as the nature lover or adventurer in us.

Definitely more challenging making new friends when you're older. Not as hard for some in the school days. It was kinda like you all got thrown into this huge pool of people and everyone just sorted out who they vibed with and who they didn't. I suppose it's now about 'What kind of pool am I looking to dive into at this stage of my life?'. Give me sensitive people any day. I love them. Give me soulful kinds of people longing to evolve in some way. Give me those who thrive on feeling inspiration, whether they're giving it or gaining it. While at one point in life it used to be 'Where do all the good sorts 'hang out, in the way of finding guys/potential partners?', now it's more so 'Where do all the good sorts hang out, in the way of beautiful sensitive folk?'. My wish is for us all to easily find the types that bring us to life more and make our heart and soul sing 😊. So much nicer finding those who bring out the best in us, as opposed to those who lead us to harsh self questioning and self doubt.

[rossodelgiorno]

Just an opinion- take it or leave it. But I think you might need to focus more on your strengths outside of the way you look. Appearance is such a small part of you as a human being. I'm sure you are a beautiful person based on your choices in life (which are inside of your control) while a lot of our appearance is outside of our control. I think beautiful, kind souls shine from the inside out. There are many traditionally "good looking" people who have ugly souls and you can sense this. Be yourself, don't define yourself by your appearance and let your inner goddess shine. Kindness and integrity are more attractive than appearance because they are choices. 

Also keep in mind that being thin in a western, modern day standard of beauty. Curves are actually sexy and have been revered in plenty of cultures before us. Screw the patriarchy who defines the current societal nor for beauty.