regretting ever seeking help

[Sparkles183]

A few months ago I could see myself slipping back into depression, so I went to the GP to get a mental health plan. Now I am regretting ever seeking help as everything I have tried does not seem to work which frustrates me and makes me angry inside.

 I see both a psychologist and my GP every few weeks but in reality I don’t know why I bother they both must think I am a drama queen and wasting their time it is not like they listen to me anyway. And my psychologist even told me that I am choosing to walk in depression (which annoyed me because I know that it is not true)

I tried meds a few weeks ago but had a bad reaction to them and I am not allowed to try anything else until 4 to 5 weeks after my last dose.

 This is the first time I ever reached out to get medical attention for my depression and follow through with the treatment plan, but now I am regretting it as I feel it has triggered my anxiety more than anything. I faced an 18 month battle of depression on and off and won once before without any help. Even though this depressive episode has only been for the last few months some reason it feels different and kind of worse as I can no longer cry anymore but really feel like I need to cry

 I know I need help to get through this depressive episode but when I do reach out for help no one listens to me. And they say I am choosing to walk in depression. I faced this battle once before and won without any help and I know I can do it again.

[Sparkles183]

Hi everyone

Thank you all for your encouragement

I feel like I am disappointing everyone here as I can’t bring myself to see another psychologist at the moment despite the state I am in. I do understand that each psychologist are different but I feel like if I go back to my GP and tell her what happened I may cause trouble as that psychologist works from her clinic 1 day a week and it is the clinics preferred psychologist I also feel that I be wasting her time if she has to write a new mental health plan for me. ( I know I am a people pleaser)

I feel like I am hitting rock bottom this week and can no longer take it.                        I am not suicidal (although I do get thoughts at times) as I cannot put my family and friends through that pain. And my biggest wish in the world right now is that this emotional pain will just end. I feel like I am a failure and I have failed my family I once had a plan for the future but now given up on that.  I can’t live like this anymore and I no longer know what to do. I know I need to talk someone about it but I can’t bring myself to it.

 Right now I am feeling a little bit of a relief an a slightly better mood after completing the first of my exams (3 more to go)  although I hate

failure I know I need to start thinking positive and if I do fail, maybe I can repeat the subjects when I am in a better state of mind. At least these exams are distracting me a little bit at the moment.  

I think having a positive state of mind and trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel is the best medicine for me at the moment.

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[White_Rose]

Dear Sparkles

I am so sorry that you are in this bad place. I understand what you mean by having a positive attitude. I just wonder how you are going to produce it from thin air. You do really need someone to hold your hand for a little while.

Despite your fears I believe it would be better to speak openly to your GP. They cannot talk about anything you have said to anyone else without your permission and they have probably heard what you have to say before, if not necessarily about this psych.

There is also the concern that whatever went wrong between you and the psych may happen again so your GP should know about these things. She, you will find, will not be annoyed or upset with you. Your GP wants the best for you to help you get well again. So please believe in her.

Emotional pain I think is so much harder to manage than physical pain. At least you can get pain killers for the physical. So how to manage the emotions? I am with you all the way as I am going through a similar thing at the moment. Who do I trust to talk to? Who will be honest with me? Who will hold my hand for a little while until I get back on feet?

I would like to suggest you sit down and experience your pain for no more than half an hour and explore what it is. I know that's a scary thought but you can stop anytime. Try to find where your pain is coming from. You may not know immediately, it may take a couple of ' sit-ins'. Afterwards go and do something physical to completely change your mood. Only one sit-in a day. When you work out where and why you hurt you may find a way to manage.

I can most definitely tell you that you are disappointing no one here. We all know the struggle to keep on a even keel and how seemingly impossible it is to achieve this.

Keep posting, especially if it helps

Mary

[Snoman]

Hi Sparkles,

First, I don't think I have ever replied to you before, although I have seen many of your kind, thoughtful and caring posts.  Nice to meet you. 🙂

I see that amongst the black thoughts and emotions, you can still put a positive spin on things like retaking exams when your head is doing better.

I understand you being a people pleaser.  That pleases me because I am one too.  I don't see it as a bad thing.  We just need to couch our ideas of pleasing people in the most helpful way.

Here is another way of looking at some of your concerns.  Going back to the GP for a new referral is not a waste of time because it will help you.  It also gives the GP a nice easy consult (we all need something easy in our day) - GPs just put in a new name in their template and the job is done.  You will probably be there for a short time which helps them get back to their schedule (GPs are always running late).  That helps the other patients for the rest of the day.  See you are helping many people!

I know you are concerned about your psych being put out by the implied negative feedback from you not going back.  Also psychs (should) know that they don't suit everyone.  If this one doesn't, then you are helping them learn that.

I once saw a short show on the ABC about different styles in GPs and different people.  It showed a 20 something lady seeing a GP who was very abrupt and non-cummunicative.  She didn't like him as she wanted more information and a warmer manner.  Her mother saw the same GP and liked that he was right to the point and didn't waffle around.  Different strokes for different folks.

I would love to recommend my psych to you, but then he may not be in your area, and he may not suit you.  Perhaps you can ring around to try to find one that might be more in line with your style.  Even a quick chat on the phone/email might give you a clue.  I am lucky that my wife did that for me.

My GP wanted to refer me to the psych at their practice, and I am very glad I didn't go there.

Tony

P.S.  About 5 months ago, my concentration was also too short to watch a 30min sitcom.  Now I can stay engaged with a longer than average movie.

[Sparkles183]

Just what to say thankyou to the Beyond Blue Ninjas (moderators) for your supportive emails over the last couple of weeks especially with exams being on.  Although I am still going through a hard time they have helped me understand what I am going through a little bit more and gave me strength and determination to be able to fight this. For all you amazing people who have been supporting me on this thread I just want to say thankyou. I will give a proper update tomorrow night.

[Sparkles183]

Hi Everyone

WOW everything seems so surreal right now, today was D day at TAFE the day we got our results for the exams we sat this week. What I did not tell anyone on this forum they were pretty major exams and the whole last 2 years of study counted on these exams and we had to pass them to graduate. 

 So it feels like I just went through a week of hell with high anxiety, depression , and stress level’s it felt like I could not cope at many stages throughout the week But I made it.

Wednesdays exam was ok I made it through that with a sense of relief. But yesterday’s prac exam was horrible I was basically  going into a state of panic the whole way through the exam while the examiner was observing my prac skills and I walked out of the exam and could not stop shaking for the rest of the afternoon. One of the other students asked me why am I sad as I already done my exam and the teacher said I did ok. And quietly to myself I thought people are starting to notice my mood and I am no longer and expert at hiding behind the mask.

So I had very little sleep all week and I felt like crying and shaking all day  today then the time came when we was to get our results back ( I was asking myself did all that hard work in the last 2 years pay off?) I got my first theory exam back 90% yay passed I got the prac exam feedback, back and all she did is put a big S for satisfactory on my exam and wrote I need to learn to stress less ( I had a giggle to myself as they are not the one with an anxiety disorder, but I know I do need to learn better coping skills)

I walked out of the room with weird numb emotion feeling I felt so much  weight lifted off my shoulders and I just wanted to collapse and cry at the same time. Now all I have to do is get a medical clearance to go on 160 hrs of work placement and pass placement before I graduate.   I now have a lot of Questions to ask myself if I want to pursue this career path or not as over the last 6 months my hopes and plans for the future has been very dim. I don’t know only time will tell.

to be continued on with next post……..

[Sparkles183]

continued on from last post

In other news I been looking at doing a  free CBT online course through the mind spot clinic in NOV/DEC. apparently I have to commit 4 hours a week and I will get a Psychologist  appointed to me who will call me once a week. It is not face to face but it is a start and maybe they will help me get over my fear of going to another psychologist face to face.    

Mary Thank you for being honest with me it is hard to pull that positivity out of fin air when the world  seems so dim even though I did get some positive feedback today the world still seems so dim. I wish I did have someone to hold my hand through these dark moments. But I am all alone and I don’t know anyone who will do that so I just have to work up the strength to fight this battle myself.

Tony Thank you for your reply How do you do it? It seems like you have come along I don’t know your story but you stated that your concentration was too short to watch a 30 min sitcom. What is your secret for keeping your attention engaged for a long period of time? Please share it will be relay nice to hear your story.

bzb Thank you for your reply a few days ago and I apologise that it took so long to reply as I was feeling relay low. It is nice to know that I am not alone, your encouragement has helped me the last couple of days. I am looking at doing a CBT program online I see how that goes.

DE Wow you are my hero anyone who can study while having depression demonstrates strength. I do like your comment about fake it until you make it.  I think I may use that when I am out on placement, and thank you for your encouraging words you have been a great help.    

thank you everyone for your kind words it is nice to know i am not alone in this battle.

Sparkles

[Snoman]

Hi Sparkles,

Congratulations!  You did amazingly well in your theory exam, and I am downright impressed with the prac. Despite the anxiety, you didn't walk out, and you passed!

Just to give you some background on my story, I was diagnosed and started taking ADs last December.  No idea when this recent episode started - gradual decline makes it hard to pinpoint a start.  At that stage, I was quite dysfunctional to the point that my wife had asked if I had had a mini stroke!  My memory and concentration was shot.

I have seen an awesome psychologist here in Melbourne and I am feeling pretty much done with this episode (I had a less severe episode about 20 years ago).  We are moving interstate soon, and unfortunately I can't pack my psych in a box to take with me.  I don't think I will need him though, and he did say I could do a phone session if I need it.

In the early days of treatment, I managed to learn that hippocampus will shrink when you have depression, and that it affects memory and concentration.  The good news is that as you treat depression, the hippocampus will recover.

To try to help my hippocampus return to normal, I tried to play mind games that require memory and concentration like sudoku.  I don't know if that helped speed up the process for me, but it was worth a try, and at the worst it served as a good distraction.  I would say that studying for exams is plenty in that area.

Don't be too put off by your condition.  If you want to continue with your career path, then it is no barrier.  There was a great docco on the ABC by Felicity Ward called Felicity's Mental Mission.  Check it out on iView if you get the chance.  It was part of the ABCs focus on Mental Health Week.  Nice to see some people like Felicity (and a well know Aussie singer) who are equally not held back.

I am looking forward to hearing how you fare with the online CBT.

Sno

[Sparkles183]

Hi Sno

Thank you for your encouragement and for sharing your story.

I wish you all the best in moving I know that moving interstate can be a very stressful so I wish you peace and a smooth transition with that.

I am glad you did find a good psychologist that  he said you can have a phone session if needed, I am sure that will help you out just even knowing that you have someone to call when you are in need.

 Thank you for the suggestion to watch that doco I will make sure I will check it out this week.

So  I did go to my GP today just for a review of my Antidepressant’s and because I been sick and when I started talking about the meds she asked me if I was still seeing my Psychologist and when I said NO she asked why not. As it is supposed to be a very important part of my treatment plan. And when I told her, without me even asking she started to do up a new referral for me to see another Psychologist and did not give me a chance to refuse.

I am glad she did that  and that I felt  like I had no choice, I had to see a new psychologist as apart of my treatment plan.  As I would not have bought up the conversation and sometimes I need a huge push in the right direction.

So I just need to ring the new Psychologist up this week to see if she will accept me as a new client. I was accepted into the online CBT program the other day starting in November. I am relay looking forward to that as I think spending 4 hours a week working on a CBT program will be very beneficial in my recovery.

If anyone who is reading this thread have any tips on approaching my new psychologist after being mistreated with my old psychologist please share.  

Sparkles

[Sparkles183]

Hi everyone

I just thought I give you an update

 I have been feeling relay exhausted from trying to fight this depression on my own.I feel like no matter what I try nothing seems to work which can be very frustrating.

My mood has been like a roller coaster this past week most of the time I feel low and some of the time I either feel half normal or emotionally numb. The last few days I have felt relay apathetic and feel like I don’t care about anything anymore. This is not the person who I am and it even makes it hard for me to write this post.

I can’t get an appointment with the new psychologist for another month and I feel like I am alone in this fight and I have no one to talk to about this.

I have been tempted to go out and get drunk this past week which scares me as I gave up drinking 12 years ago ( when I was 18 ha ha) I have never had that temptation and I don’t want to start drinking again just  becauseI have depression.

 The other day I had a best day I had in long time. And that night I felt like everything came crushing down once again and felt relay low I looked myself in the mirror, and started to ask myself why have I let myself get like this.

 I relay do hate the person who I become in the last 6 months this is not the person who I am.

 I am normally a joyful and loving person that cares for everyone. I relay do look forward to becoming that person once again.

Thanks for letting me vent

 Sparkles

[shelby76]

WOW, I think that you are amazing, that you are feeling all these moments, and still come through every day, and took your exams and....just wow!

You are stronger than you think, remind yourself of that. Keep pushing on Sparkles, we know that you can do this. One day that joyful and loving person will come back.

As for not seeing the psych for a month (?) that is a hard one. This happened to me, and I ended up going to the ER when I just couldn't take it anymore. Best thing I ever did. 

Keep posting, get it all out there, and stay safe x